We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

The crisps and biscuits can happily go. I bet OP doesn't eat many of them anyway.

No one in this scenario has 3 kids.

Each parent has 4 kids of their own!

That’s excessive when you can’t pay for them.

If you're not throwing food away every week you obviously need what you buy. Also, if you mostly shop at Aldi you probably can't save much by swapping brands. I think sitting down together and going through bank statements for the last six months would be good. If your partner is using credit cards and paying interest on outstanding balances he's definitely wasting money.

They need to pursue his lazy ex who is happy to have their children raised without her input now, as well as the other measures regarding his spending. MN is never as quick to pursue deadbeat mothers as they are to pursue deadbeat fathers!

She's being allowed to be bone idle, that's why she is not paying any support towards their children.

Why did you decide to have two more kids when you already have 4 between you?

Honestly OP, I don’t know what you expect. Your salary is also extremely low.

To those saying £850 pcm is cheap rent, we own two 3 bed rentals; one is £550 pcm and the other £600 so £850 is dear to me.

I think it's very unfair of him to blame you when he has credit card debts and spends on his hobby. His overspending on cards has caused a lot of your problems but obviously they need paying off. The cards need to go!
The way forward is to list ALL expenses and decide how much needs to go in a joint account to cover them. This has to include your annual payments such as insurances etc.
You can then have personal spends and as I said the credit cards need to go. Personally I'd have both salaries paid into the joint account and personal accounts for an equal amount of pocket money.
As others have said the girls' DM has to contribute as well. For all you know she might still be claiming UC for them. Bloody hope not!

This is a sensible suggestion. You need a budget and there are many apps (Snoop, Emma, etc.) out there that can help you create one once you have gathered the three months of accounts and ease the tracking of spending in the future.

You need to distinguish between the must-haves (healthy food, warm clothing) and the nice-to-haves (junk food and hobbies). And if DH's Airfix hobby needs to take a backseat while DH pays down his debt, well that is part of adulting. If there is a free financial planner available to assist, sometimes hearing it from a neutral third party, versus a spouse with all the emotional baggage attached, can be more effective.

Also on the food shop, if someone has not been in the grocery store for a while they may not realise just how much inflation has hit food prices. The older kids can babysit while you go grocery shopping with your other half. Let him see the prices for himself.

Good luck!

Has anyone else wondered how a bloke with 6 kids has time to play with airfix?

Can they? Are they not on the children's lunch boxes? What are they to be replaced with? Children need calories as well as other nutrients. Removing crisps (which are a cheap food stuff) will likely leave the children hungry and a second or third piece of fruit will a) cost the same and b) likely not full them up c) not meet their calorie needs.

An occasional biscuit as a pudding or treat is hardly breaking the bank and most families have some kind of snack or treat a couple of times a week.

This. You have SIX children. Of course it is expensive. Please tell me he's had a vasectomy !!

I allow £30 per head, per week, which includes basic toiletries like toothpaste & loo roll. That's quite economic. No eating out, no takeaways. Where dcs are too little to eat that much, you'll pay the extra in nappies & wipes etc.

It's very simple, your household doesn't earn enough. Your DP has £500/month going out on debt, and obviously you can only work part time with that size of family.

It will carry on being tight until a) the little ones are at school and you can work more, and b) he gets pays off the debt. So I guess another 4 years.

You need to sit down and work out a proper budget. Also, are you receiving correct child benefit for all the children?
You should be able to demonstrate by sitting down and using receipts how much the food/household costs are and also get him to understand that a 'food' shop usually also includes laundry, cleaning, as you say packed lunches (otherwise school dinners would have to be covered for all the children) toilet roll etc etc. It's a lot of people to cover. Have that budget conversation asap. Look at the debts together- you are a couple so you should be discussing all income abd outgoings together to see where any savings can be made.

At the very least he should be contributing to the child care. Plus where's the maintenance money going that he's not now paying out? Is he using that as personal spending.
It sounds like you are working and doing everything. Frankly you must be exhausted

It depends on where you are. If you are not near the OP then it's not relevant.

Come off it. You have 6 kids and a moderate income plus debts. It’s not rocket science that you’re skint.

Your rent is actually extremely low but if you add in his debt repayment it’s actually £1350 committed spend. This should be manageable on your income (£4650) as it leaves you with over £3000 for bills and everything else. Your problem is quite frankly that you have 6 children - you can’t expect to have spare income with that many kids on very average wages.

We take home £5454 a month so £800 more than you, our mortgage is £1788 but no debt payments so functionally it is similar in terms our outgoings to incoming but we only have one child.

Obviously you can’t send any back so you need to come to terms with the fact you can’t be rich and have that many children. Also if you’re taking home £1450 you can’t be working full time so can you up your hours?

He's got a liberty. If he's got £500/month of credit card debt he can't afford a hobby. If it's credit card debt he's never going to clear it if he keeps adding to it every month and that will just drag on for years. I know this from bitter experience.

My financial position improved significantly once I got a handle on credit card debt and is even better now it's all cleared.

With 6 kids between you, you really need a better financial plan and to get on the same page. Trimming bits off of the food bill might help a bit but that significant debt is having a huge impact.

regarding the food shop you’re definitely not unreasonable

send him to the shop to get food for the week and let him understand how much it is

Whatever maintenance he has paid before needs to go to the food shop, clothes etc for the children. Rent has not gone up because they are there… it shouldn’t be that he has MORE money because they are with you, and he has less. Work out bills overall, have a joint pot, and any debt he runs up needs to come out of “his” left over money. Not his credit card debt got his hobby before food for the children.
but really, you don’t have that much money for six children. That is your luxury and your hobby (for both of you)

Didn't wanna be the one to say it, but this. ^

It's enough of a struggle with a decent income, with TWO kids. But SIX?!

Thing is with 6 kids asking OP to increase hours will be tricky I suspect because the basic household workload will be very high

£235 is reasonable for a weekly shop for 8 people especially with extras like toilet roll, toiletries, nappies and baby food. He needs to get rid of his debt and stop spending on credit cards and wasting money on interest. I'm assuming these are not just monthly bills he is paying off every month so the interest must cost. You need to get your spending and budgeting under control now because the kids are going to get more expensive as they get older. I'm not surprised you struggle on £5k although your rent isn't too bad, there is 8 people to pay for and that is a lot.

Have you done a monthly budget - start with all the fixed costs - rent, council tax, bills. Then add the other less fixed/optional costs - phones, streaming services, etc. Then debts, food, travel, etc. And see where that leaves you. You need to look at every entry by category to see whether you can reduce or cut it out You will end up with a budget for food, and hobbies. He needs to cut up his credit cards and think about transferring the balances to a zero percent card.

You'll also both need to look at how you can increase your income - can you increase your hours? Can he get more overtime?

I think focusing on the food spend is a waste of time if you're only looking at it in isolation - you need to look at your whole budget.

It sounds a reasonable income but it's stretched when you have six kids. You both need to cut back all round or earn more. If you feel you can manage finances better on your own then live apart. And £500 towards debt is a big chunk of your income.