How to Help with hidden debt?

[CalmAquaEagle]

My wife has said that she is in debt by around 37k. I knew that she had used her cards in the last three years (was nothing three years ago) to pay for a couple of holidays. I fully anticipated that she had some balances on there, but more like 7, not 37, so slightly taken aback. That being said, she has been said about it, and seems really worried about it. She earns around 40k a year, works full time.

I am perplexed as to how this has got so big, as she paid in the past for half the food bill each month, some swimming lessons for the kids, and childcare after school for a couple of days a week. Childcare has stopped now, as I get the kids and carry on with work so she can save that money to her cards. That means she only really needs to pay for fuel, insurance on the car, her MJ injections and any fun things for the kids.

I am getting an inheritance that will cover than debt and help with some jobs that need doing on the house.

I want to help my wife, as I figure that I could pay off for her in full now, and then she could give me money towards the mortgage and and all the bills, as I have asked for help in past, but she was very reluctant to help and we kinda agreed for her to just pay for a holiday, and I get everything else.

I have a tiny nagging doubt about how to help, reason being she sat me down at the start of the year and told me she didn't love me anymore. We get on great, and don't argue, but having kids has been tough. We have had some good times since that, a great summer and it's almost as if that conversation never happened which is really weird.

I guess I am catastrophising in my mind, what if I help her, and she gets in a mess again. I have a brother who I helped years ago, and he got in a mess again, the money I gave him was a sticking plaster to a mess that I should have said about but didn't as was too young at time. Equally, what if I help her and what if she doesn't want to contribute to running the house too as she thinks that should stay the same as was. Or equally what if I help her and we split up.

Any advice welcome, but do want to find a way to help take some the money and mental load off her mind.

Dont pay the debt for her

I think you need an honest conversation about where the money has gone, could it be hidden gambling? Sounds like you both keep money separate. I would also be cautious about clearing it off if your concerned that it could / would mount up again.

Why do you think I shouldn't help?

She, or realistically both of you, need professional advice.

Try https://nationaldebtline.org/

or https://www.stepchange.org/

Moneyhelper is another good starting point as is CA www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/.

Be very careful about using a search engine; there are a lot of charlatans out there.

I’d have the conversation OP and go through the accounts. See exactly what you are both dealing with. If you don’t it could be something addictive like gambling and she will do it again. When I was in your position it took a lot of therapy to work out how it had happened.

When folk like you pay off the debts of your partner the spendthift just rebuilds debt. Also this makes the fiscally prudent person, you in this case, feel used and abused, you thought they would reform and address the spending problem, but for folk who spend until they have 37k in debt they cant usually even recognise that they have a problem.
Also your relationship is profoundly unstable, she told you she doesnt love you. That elephant needs addressing.
I have no idea how she spent all the money and neither do you, in order to help her, if you aren't in fact about to end the marriage, she will need to speak to a professional. And make a repayment plan and probably a therapist to address both the not loving you and the spending like a sailor on shore leave.
Paying off the debt is not going to help. Its like buying an alcoholic a case of wine.

She has a huge overspending problem.

She's got into debt at a rate of over £1k pm for the last 3 years on top of at least another £1k pm spare from her salary (CBA to work out what the things she pays for adds up to but it won't take anywhere near all her £2-2.5k pm income).

If you pay her debt off, she'll almost certainly run it up again and you'll be back in the same position in a few years however you'll be down £37k and she'll likely be expecting another bail out.

Honestly this level of deceit and recklessness would have me reconsidering my marriage. I would want full access to bank accounts, I would talk with debt charity like step change. I would NOT accept my inheritance until it was resolved as to whether I wanted t9 continue in the marriage.

I think you need to both agree financial goals and spending and some tough decisions need to be made. If this is credit card debt then interest could be huge and that has an impact on family finances. One solution could be for your dw to only have a partner card so the bill comes to you and you have oversight of all expenditure. Holiday expenditure should also be budgeted for and agreed by both parties. Did you know how much the holidays were going to cost?

I would not be paying the debt. She needs to contribute more towards the household with that level of income. Just think of all the wasted opportunities for you as a family to have built a sizeable amount of savings/investments without the need to require an inheritance to pay off the debt. She could have easily saved minimum £500, probably even more. You need couples counselling as things cannot continue to go on as they have been.

Because that is a crazy amount to rack up in that time. Keeping it from you was dishonest and you don't even know if she has other debts. You don't know that she wont rack up something like that again. Shes also told you once she wasn't in love with you. You would be crazy to pay this for her

Dont pay it. She earns enough to sort it. She can use stepchange or similar.
If she wont pay towards the mortgage then she can atleast cover her own debts.
She has probably been nice this summer so when you get inheritance you pay her debts

What has she spent it on? Is it accruing more interest each month or is she paying some of the capital off? Has she stopped the spending now? What else has she done to address it?

Unless she has habits such as gambling or addictions which are driving this you may need to accept some responsibility, taking a share of the reasons behind it. Were the holidays extravagant, are you as a family living beyond your means? if so you may need to contribute if you can afford ot,

I would probably ask to look at the bill, if she was willing to share it.

I wouldn't want to step in to assist without some understanding one what it has been spent on. Purely because there is a lot of shame and guilt about mismanaging finances. So people bury their head in the sand and don't address the root cause. By sitting down and looking over it together it forces the issues to be confronted. Without that step I don't believe many people fully learn and history repeats.

It is not necessarily gambling or drugs or similar.
It could be just shopping. Shopping is also an addiction. Designer clothes, handbags, etc.
Add in socialising with friends, drinks, restaurants, taxis, etc.
Then the same level of spending on the kids: constant new clothes, toys, hobbies, clubs and activities.

Basically living way, way, way beyond her means.
Don't bail her out - it would be pointless as she will just carry on spending.

Ask to see all her statements.
Then consider either marriage counselling or divorce.

Don't forget: she has actually said out loud that she doesn't love you. Take that at face value and take it seriously.

Oh no, do not pay the debt for her. She racked it up, she needs to sort it. If you want to be fair, make sure you support her when she tightens her belt, and help figure out how her expenses could be reduced. But do not pay it for her. Because 1) otherwise she won't learn how to manage her money, and 2) to protect yourself

I wouldn’t help her pay it unless she showed the statements for 3 years and how the debt has been incurred.

£40k a year salary is a lot to be making no contribution to the household budget beyond half the food and kids swimming.

I think you can both only resolve the wreck less spending if you sit down together and go through all of the bank statements. Where is all that money going? You both need to know. If she refuses to do this personally I'd end the marriage because she has already told you she doesn't love you anymore and I'd need to know what exactly she was spending this money on. Not telling you until it reached this level of debt is deceitful. I'd tell her you are open to helping but only if she is completely transparent with you. She probably needs counselling too. Some people spend recklessly because they are unhappy.