Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

[PrimeCrush]

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

Since op works part time, I hope very little

Absolutely not. Also, my kids belong to my H. The child benefit goes into my account. It is not family money. It pays for things for the children like clubs, school trips, ect.

If he's in your house.e maybe he needs to move out. Check if you would be entitled to any UC if you dumped him. Also consider savings like single person council tax discount. You probably wouldnt be that worse off without him.

You need to revisit this amount with his Dad . Things have gone up in price. You're on here moaning about your current partner but you're not willing to get into it about the child's biological father 🤷‍♀️

I agree with this, but it's complicated, this man has too much leverage over you and your child and I think this type of situation is to be avoided.

Yep. They need a proper discussion about how they'll cover costs, because the original agreement has now become obsolete. The CB is a red herring.

I'd start by looking to see if there's any fat that could be trimmed on the bills, switches or cancellations or whatever. Unless that's already been done recently. Then go from there.

She should move out then? Because they are currently renting a place with an extra bedroom for the child that I'm guessing the partner doesn't need. He IS subsiding the child and he's asking for an extra contribution from OP to help with the cost of rising bills.

This is a classic case of a thread where the replies would be totally opposite if OP’s partner had been the one with the child and the lower contribution.

He’s already paying more as a proportion of his income than OP, so he’s subsidising OP’s child when it comes to housing, bills and food. Why should he be the one who makes up the shortfall?

The bottom line is that they need more money in the joint account to cover essentials. It’s not unreasonable for him to ask OP to contribute more. He probably mentioned CB as a hint to OP that she should increase her contribution slightly to cover more of her son’s expenses.

What, he should get a maid, a cleaner and a housekeeper because he lives with a woman who spends fewer hours in paid employment that he does?

You are joking I hope? OP works 30 hours a week and does all school pick ups. She is caring for her child.

As someone else said, if her partner wanted to be a family he could share in doing these.

OP your partner is getting a very good deal here. Lots of personal spending money, far more than if he lived alone as he would not be entitled to universal credit. Plus I am sure he gets housework and cooking done.

Don't worry about him, focus on your son. Don't muck up your ability to provide for your child by putting your partner's preference to have lots of personal spending money first.

If you lived on your own you would be better off because universal credit wouldn’t be assuming your partner is paying towards your child etc too so you’d get a top up of that plus a reduced council tax! I would look at how much better off you and your son would be on your own as this controlling arsehole isn’t good for you long term

I’m kind of on his side, sorry.

Children are expensive. You’re not working full time and expecting him to pick up the slack, yes it’s not huge amounts of money but it should be used to cover the things he uses.

@Loveofeclairs of course the replies would be different if OPs partner had a child living with them. If you live with a child, you accept that child should come first.
I actually pretty much said hat in a step parenting thread to a step mum. You don't get to put yourself first as an adult and literally take child benefit from that child so you can pay the same whilst bills are rising. Everyone's bills are rising. It's not the child who should pay for that.

Hi OP, if all money goes into the joint account at the moment and all DS’s expenses are taken from there, I think your partner will do slightly better out of it…at the moment.
However, teens are more expensive to fund than a child of 7, so in a few years he’ll be doing worse with that arrangement. If you do alter the current arrangement it’ll need to be reviewed from time to time to keep it fair.

All his dad’s money and child benefit money should be solely to support your son, but with the sums involved that’s probably a given anyway. It’d cost more than £280 a month to house, feed, clothe, entertain him.

He doesnt do school pick ups as he works days and I do the school run before work on the days I work later. He has picked ds up a couple of times if Ive been stuck but its not a regular thing. Ds dad has him alternate Saturdays but otherwise its mainly me.

Housework is probably more me if Im honest. I do most of the washing and sorting ds’s stuff out, shopping is a bit of both and he does cook sometimes, probably more at weekends. Its not like he sits there and does absolutely nothing but I do end up being the one who notices what needs doing.

The house is a three bed, we both wanted the extra room. We didnt move somewhere bigger just for the sake of it, we needed somewhere that worked for all of us. The rent is paid from the joint account so yes thats already included in what we both pay in.

Before we moved in together I was renting a smaller place with ds. It was more expensive for me on my own which is one of the reasons we decided to get somewhere together. I was happy with how we split things at the time and still am mostly, its just this argument thats made me question it all.

I dont want to make him sound awful because he isnt, and he does do things around the house. But I can see why people are asking about the childcare and housework because I suppose you have to look at more than just the money going into the account.

Yes I too would check whether you would be better off on universal credit, living apart. And universal credit would be fine with you working 30 hours a week so you can pick up your son.

Remember you don't get universal credit at the moment because the state expects your partner to pay towards your child. Not to act financially as if he is in a house share with a friend.

I think OP should be putting more into the pot because of the rise in COL, and also because she has a dc.

However, I also think the DP is manipulative. Framing it as “prove to me we’re family by putting the CB in the joint pot” is him emotionally manipulating and guilt tripping OP into doing what he wants. They could have sat down together, had a mature conversation about the COL, looked at where money was going and how they needed to adjust what each of them was going to put into the pot going forward. Instead he demands money specifically designated for the child. That would get most single parents’ backs up.

I think @Gretalpetal has the right of it and would be my approach too. If he genuinely wants to be a family fair enough, great, but that isn’t what he truly wants is it. He wants to manipulate more money from you to reduce his bills. It would be worrying behaviour for me. If he is like most men, I suspect the cost of food for you and son together do not equal his costs. Heating is on anyway and the cost of the odd shower here or there is a joke. I’d tell him I am not using my son’s money to subsidise his lifestyle and if he doesn’t think I can contribute enough to the household you should live separately until son leaves home.

“He’s already paying more as a proportion of his income than OP, so he’s subsidising OP’s child when it comes to housing, bills and food.”

No he’s not, they’re both paying 45%. He has £1,200 left over for himself, she has £800.

How much extra is one 7 year old really adding in terms of electricity/water used and food eaten? Very little. They’d still need to pay rent/council tax/internet, cook dinner etc if it was just them as a couple and no children.

@PrimeCrush I am not going to advise you to do anything. It's hard to pay for everything on your own and I do understand that. But it does worry me that is the main reason you agreed to move in with your partner.

I do think you need to honestly look at what you get out of this relationship. You don't need to tell us here, just be honest with yourself.

I also think you need to look at what life is like for your son. Is it better for him living with your partner, ior would he be happier just the two of you living together.

It's easy to drift along and never really look at what things are really like.

Yeah men do tend to eat more than women and ime take longer showers. He is also having to do less housework and cooking than if he lived alone.

Ok so for me, I would need a bot more information before I could answer honestly.

Does the money for your child activities, clothes, food etc come out of the joint account or from your personal pot where I assume your child benefit goes? If you pay your child benefit into the joint account would the child related expenses that you would normally use the child benefit for, also come from the joint account?

Are you and your partner living as a family with him all but in name, being a stepfather to your child?

I moved in with my partner and he had kids. This was a committed relationship with the intention of permanency so financially that is how we embarked on it. Is this you because if so, this is how I would look at it.

I would add up your separate income. So yours would include any paid earnings, child support, child benefit or any state benefits. The same for him. Lets say he earns £2000 a month and you have £1000 a month or he brings in 2/3rd of the household income.

Then look at your household outgoings i.e. rent, utilities, insurance, cars, phones etc including child related issues, clothing inc uniforms, activities, food, travel etc. Put a contingency int here for holidays, presents and repairs etc. Lets say that comes to £2000 per month. He has 2/3rd of the income so he contributes 2/3rds of the bills to the joint accounts and you the other 1/3rd. But all expenses come from that account including for your child.

If he won't accept those expenses coming from the joint account then he doesn't get the child benefit in the account. Its fair the child support is included int he calculation of the joint income in any scenario as he is helping to put a roof over your child's head.

If he’s saying that the child benefit needs to go into the joint account then that means that everything you need to pay for for your son should then also come out of that account instead of your own. I’d tell him this and see his reaction then.

“I think OP should be putting more into the pot because of the rise in COL”

How come rise in col has only affected op and not her “partner”? Does he not eat any food or use any electricity?

If costs have increased, they both need to contribute more.

The issue is that more needs to go into the joint account to cover your living costs. You both need to identify what these are and agree a basis for your contributions. This should acknowledge that

1. you have higher outgoings because you are raising a child and that incurs costs beyond basic living costs. I’d recommend setting a budget for that.
2. an element of your child support and child benefit should go towards living costs.

IMO ideally you and the child’s father should be funding your child’s living costs and all the other costs for the child not the partner. But life isn’t ideal. I think you need to recognise that this partner is now taking responsibility for the cost of raising your child. Costs neither you or the father are contributing.

It might be useful if you budgeted what you can afford to spend on living costs and all the other things you need. Then live within your means.

@Imseriouslyyouguys ah but the partner wants to maintain his high personal spending money at the expense of OPs son.