Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

[PrimeCrush]

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

@Constantrunner But in terms of CB.; that is to be spent on the child and nothing to do with a step-parent. Likewise, she shouldn't expect stepfather to support her child financially. That is a matter between both herself and bio father. Father pays maintenance here (quite rightly). It is ultimately her duty to house her child appropriately alongside other bio parent; not the role of a step-parent.

How short are you both in the joint account each month? If you’re going over by £100 suggest that cost be split equally by the two of you so you are both putting in more

@FunPartyIdeas how many times? The state does expect the partner who lives with the child to support that child. It's why OP does not get benefits. If she was alone she would get benefits for the child.

You may think this is wrong, but it is how the UK state is set up.

Having all money go into a joint account does not make a family a ‘proper’ family

Putting any children first does. Rather than putting personal spending money before a child.

Classed by who? The benefit system?
Not worth it for who? Points for consideration.
I never worked less than 37.5 hours pw as a single parent and had full responsibility for running the home too.
I appreciate that this is deferring from the point of original thread but I need to make the point that not all single parents choose to reduce hours and top up with benefits. That includes those who don't earn higher income.

STOP with the state talk. The “state” has never been pro family. They don’t encourage women to stay married and be a homemaker and bring children up. The state want women to work themselves into the ground and prop a family up at the same time. The state lies so let’s leave them out of it

@PrimeCrush
He's only interested in the money isn't he??
You may be a two paying into a joint account scenario
But I think he wants that "bit more"
And the guff about you not seeing you all as a "famerlee"
I think that's a guilt trip right there
Which might turn to control if you get pregnant and are vulnerable
So
Keep the money separate
Don't get pregnant
If your DS is around longer than he'd like and is then a young adult he may use money/exspenses as an excuse to oust him
I'm vaguely sensing his resentment already towards your son

At the moment, your DP is subsidising your DS' living costs which doesn't seem right. The maintenance you're receiving from DS' DF sounds very low, especially as he only stays at his one night a week - what is his income?

Are you losing out on benefits that you would get if you were living alone with DS? Did these reduce or disappear when you moved in together?

When I say not worth it, I mean by the time you pay childcare, and the added stress, the small increase in money is a often not worth it. OP is not a high earner.

@Newyearawaits I meant if she lived apart from her partner she would ge5 universal credit and would be classed as working full time. At the moment she would only be entitled to help with childcare and her partner us expected to help support the child.

I ran the numbers for the following scenario (the "proper family" scenario that a few people suggested).

Assume bills, which includes all child related expenses come to £2000 (because it was an easy number but it sounds about right in terms of what the OP has posted here).

The OP's income is £1450 (job) + £117 (CB) + £180 (CM) which comes to £1747
DP's income is £2200

If they pay bills proportional to their income then OP pays £885 and DP pays £1115 (I'm rounding here).

Personally I think that is a good compromise, and leaves OP with a bit more personal money that she has now (if she's literally spending all the CB and CM on her child), but of course means that DP can then critique the child spending as he can any other bill, which might not be what OP wants.

And not even being treated like a 50s housewife because she still paying if she was the 50s housewife she would not be paying he would be paying for everything

If they did go with that scenario though (which I think is a fair enough way of working things) then “partner” would have to accept that all child expenses are paid from the joint account, because the child benefit and child maintenance payments are contributing to the joint account. However currently most of the child-related expenses are paid by the op alone, not from the joint account.

I keep mine to be fair but it’s because I’m more likely to pick up the incidental expenses like trips out, treats, toys, haircuts, rather than sticking it all on joint account which is primarily used for household bills, online food shop.

I do understand what your partner is saying. The extra money you receive is all household income afterall. If you pay it into the joint account for household expenses, then your partner must expect you to then use that account for anything extra your son may need. Or, he leaves it as it is. Just curious, how would you feel if it was the other way around and your partner received £280 per month for a child living with you both, but he didn't add it to the joint pot?

He is supporting your son financially and paying the majority of the household bills, taking on a greater share than he is actually responsible for.

Instead of asking for the child benefit to be added to the joint account, it would be make more sense for him to reduce his own contributions.

Having read your updates I would send him a list of ds costs from the last few months. Hopefully he will see that you don’t have a secret pot of money thanks to being subsidised and he will hopefully learn how much stuff like school shoes cost. He will hopefully back down when he realises that he was wrong.

If you put CB and maintenance in the joint account (if you put in CB, he’ll be able to argue CM easily) then make it clear that all ds costs will come from there and since he averages around the cost of maintenance plus CB, it’s not going to save your partner money.

It's a whole extra bedroom. They are renting a 3-bed house when they could be renting a 2-bed but for the child. That would usually be at least £200/month difference. Plus food etc would be the same.

He is paying the lion's share and isn't - as some people are saying - looking to contribute less. He is looking for OP to pay a bit more as they are short every month. The elephant in the room is the child's father, who is contributing a paltry £180/month.

This whole setup is strange to me.
I’m not keen on the idea of separate accounts with some expenses shared, as it can create issues over what counts as shared and how much money each person should keep for themselves (as it did already).

Personally, I would never move in with someone with my child if we weren’t married. I wouldn’t want to share my income either, because I need to make sure my child comes first. And unless you’re married, I don’t think you should be combining your finances in the first place.

@Ophy83 they only need a two bedroom for the child. They have a three bedroom as they both wanted the extra space.

He is looking to contribute less. Bills are rising but he wants to pay the same. That means paying less as inflation is a thing.

I assumed they wanted a spare bedroom. Without the child they have a spare bedroom in a 2-bed property.

@Ophy83 strange thing to say. Yeah they could also let the child sleep in the bath and send them out begging so they don't have to spend any money on the child.

He sounds mean and unreasonable

Very good point.

Child Benefit (the clue is in the name its not called Partner Benefit)
It is a big red flag that he wants to take your £80 a month that you need to spend on your child's clothes, shoes and general living.

You already contribute to bills. OK so you've had a few more joint expenses recently. but The whole idea of Child Benefit was so that it would help support the child. Some people use it to build up savings for the child's future when they can afford to..
It's not for sharing with your partner and the fact that he keeps on about it, I would find very troubling. Begruding your primary school child benefitting from heating in a house that is already heated for both of you - well there are no words. They are not eating the same as a fully grown adult either.

He sounds mean and penny pinching and worse he's being resentful towards your child.