What support do grandparents give to their kids and grand kids, especially in retirement?

[Yammer94]

What support do people give to their kids and grabd kids in their retirement? Money? Childcare support? Fees?

We are trying to plan for this. It will be important for us to be around to help with childcare if our health allows regularly (we dont have that, I think its crucial for relationship development in families). But other than that, we dont know what is reasonable to expect to give in our retirement.

Surely that will depend on the circumstances in which someone is when they retire. Relocating to the other side of the country (or even to another country) may be a good decision and enable you to offer childcare and perhaps have familial support for yourselves in older age. But it may not be feasible or recommended for other retirees. Giving money also depends on how much you have. If you are going to have an estate that's liable for inheritance tax, then, it's a good decision. If you're worried about how your own social care will be paid for, then it's not. It's also dependent on how many DC and DGC anyone has and where they are all located.

My parents helped me with childcare one day a week when they were retired (in their late 60s / 70s) and I had small children. Now they're in their 80s and my children are teenagers, they're more likely to help out financially- they give me a monetary gift (within the annual allowance) to reduce future inheritance tax and to help me and DH to support our DC at uni. Basically it depends on what they're able to give and what I'm most in need of at a particular time. My parents are lovely btw and I really appreciate all their support.

I would help with any childcare health allowing but I probably wouldn't have any extra money to help them as pension will be low but would if I could.

@Yammer94

Surely that depends on the resources available to you, what you want to give and physically able to do.

I've had zero financial support from my parents - they don't have it to give.
I did have plans to give my own son a contribution to a house deposit but I was diagnosed with cancer this year and lost my job. Fortunately for him I'll probably die before my home needs to be sold for care fees for me so at least he will have that.

My parents were not able to provide child care because they lived too far away. They did visit in May half term and would baby sit for me. They did have him in Feb half term and a few days in the summer but I had to take him and pick him up

Thanks, im interested in other people's experience of what they actually mamage to provide and why. Other than my sentimental dream of hanging out with grandkids I have no real understanding of what is the range of norms. Without kids and grandkids we could much more easily afford to retire soon.

FWIW my parents provided me no financial support other than roof over my head and then I left home at 18. My parents are completely reliant on SP and have poor health. Despite living an hour away they dont help with childcare. They somehow still find time to drive past us to go visit random other family though 🙄

In laws have lots of money, but chose to live far away, cant cope with kid(s) other than for an hour or two. So we only see them for a couple of weekends a year as we have had to limit their usual one or two week visits as it was too taxing for us to host them as well as look after 3 young kids. They gave us £3k for our wedding which i was grateful for and about 10 years ago helped us paint our house when we moved. Theyre too old for that now in their 70s but grateful we had that at the time.

Both sets of parents get frustrated theyre not closer to our kids, but I think thats not really on us.

Consequently I want to plan and do better for our kids. I just want ideas of what other people do typically to organise our finances/plan for retirement around it rather than for cruises (not for us, not judging others).

@TruffleSlinky I feel v jealous when I hear of grandparents supporting with care, though im probably over sentimental about it!

I don't do any set days of childcare because I have a life-limiting condition, which can involve several appointments per week and I frequently wouldn't be capable.
I take DGD for a day out or pay for a family meal most weeks. We've recently been to soft play, a play farm and Sealife.
I enjoy buying things for DGD. In the last few months I bought her a highchair, a new carseat (I bought the original one too), a lightweight stroller and a wooden swing and slide set for the garden.
I'm fortunate I can 'spoil' DGD with quite a lot of clothes (I've just bought her some Uggs), but I always run everything be DIL first and get her to choose larger items.
I also buy all their nappies, wipes, baby toiletries for DGD at Costco.
I wish I could physically be more hands on, but I figure what I spend on DGD helps to offset the two days per week she spends with her lovely childminder.

Fuck all. I phoned my mother the other day as I was upset about something important regarding both my children she just wanted to get off the phone.
I recieve no child care help, no money (despite being very well off), and barely any support. I actually had something horrific happen to me and my mum made it about herself. So while that's probably not the norm long as your there for your kids do not sweat the small stuff.

Wow, im sure your DiL is v grateful!

Im sorry to hear that @SnappyPenguin Thats more akin to my parents tbh. I think for my parents theyre a bit oblivious rather than vindictive, but its still hard not to take it personally sometimes. Anyway, my wish is to do better when my time comes!

Very little. MIL comes across one week a year to look after DD during the school holidays. No financial help, no regular childcare.

Don't have GC yet, have adult children in their 30s. We don't provide any financial help. We're on a pension and they are all working and earning more each month than us.

Besides which, they are adults. At what point do you financially stop supporting other adult family members?

It was not a 'thing' when I was growing up and none of my kids would expect it. We've never had spare money. Like others, I left home at 18 and was on my own. My own parents didn't help out financially or with childcare and it wasn't expected.

Thanks everyone. Reading othe MN posts too I think we need to try and plan for some uni fees, driving lessons, and housing costs, then be around to do regular childcare. Some help is better than none.

Not having had much help from family, i was not expecting much myself, until I came across people who do have wider family support and see how valuable it is.

It started at uni when I came across kids getting parents help to buy supplies regularly, to help on essays and job apps, to no holiday work required so they could do unpaid internships and stuff. Their uni costs were all paid for by parents and grandparents. Needless to say this helped them all to succed with big jobs. Ive done fine myself, but definitely at a slower pace while I worked stuff out and I will not make top level as a result.

Then when we had kids we see grandparents do a day a week care or hols, pay for school/nursery fees, to day trips. Neither of our parents are reliable enough or near enough for that, but when DH and I are rushing around burned out both working, doing up our broken house, getting kids to and from school, managing illnesses, we just realised how we are coping great without help, but have no contingency for either of us getting sick or any job issues.

My mum is constantly saying how lucky I am to have a husband who does stuff like change nappies. She doesn't like to acknowledge she was mostly staying at home with us so could manage that stuff better. There are def downsides to being a SAHM though IMO. There's no way we can afford to live on one income and have the kind of house and life they have now.

In short I dont want my kids to be spoilt and privileged, but equally i recognise they will have challenges worse than I did, so feel the need to help.

I pick up and drop off 4 days a week. Babysit so mums and dads can go out as a couple. Buy clothing/shoes. Have them more in school holidays.

A bit OT, but on the "annual allowance" comment (assume you mean the 3k per year one?).

Your parents can give you as much as they like if it comes from their normal surplus income <not capital>, and doesn't deprive them. Not just parents/children - anyone can give anyone.

Of course it's up to them if they can or want to do that, but don't worry about the IHT implications if it meets those criteria.

(Random/non-endorsed link for info)

@Yammer94 my take on this is that it's nothing about expectation and all about choice.
Obviously dependant on circumstances but grandparents should provide as they wish.

lol. We got nothing. No house deposits, nothing towards our wedding, GC got £30 for 18th and 21st birthdays.
When FIL died it came to light they were millionaires. Now going on care fees (fair enough) and likely IHT.

Always write down and keep note of what you give financially. Ie print bank statement.We’ve been told that it is important so as not to appear as if you are avoiding inheritance tax.

I’ve provided regular childcare for my 3 DC, twice weekly and more during school holidays, for the last 20 years! I give the younger GC pocket money and when my DH died my DC each had approx £30k each from the money I received from his death in service benefit. I can’t afford to help them out financially as I have my own home to run and receive only the income from my pension. The DC will get the house when I die if I don’t need care.

I received no financial support or inheritance from either my parents or in-laws and didn’t expect anything. They helped out with occasional babysitting but it was made clear that they weren’t prepared to commit to regular childcare.

I honestly think that my adult DC are responsible for their children’s costs and that grandparents shouldn’t be expected to fund university fees, cars etc. If you are wealthy and can afford it that’s great, but for most of us that isn’t the case.

I have two children 6 and 1.
My parents weren't able to help us at all until my daughter was 4. My mum was caring for 3 of my grandparents and my dad was working, then my mum fell down the stairs and broke her back and used my day off to care for her instead.

My mum was doing better once my daughter was in school so she would pick her up from school once a week, take her to the park and watch her until half 5-6 when my partner got home from work. This allowed me to go straight from work to a pilates class.

Around once a month my parents would come over for a couple of hours at the weekend to keep my daughter occupied so my partner and I could get on with some cleaning and tidying without distractions which was incredibly helpful!

When I was expecting my second they started taking my daughter to swimming lessons once a week and having her for a day at their home on odd days through school holidays. Once baby 2 arrived they came over twice a week once to take her swimming after school and once to look after the baby so I could go to scouts with my eldest.

My in-laws are 4-6h away and they come up every 4-6 weeks. When they come up they look after us and do nearly all the cooking, get in the garden and sort that out, help out with DIY as well as playing with the children. If it's during school term they do the school drop off and pick up.

We go to my parents for lunch most weekends and they cook enough for us to take some home to have an easy meal in the week.

My in-laws have took both children for an afternoon in the summer so we could go to a friend's wedding and next time they come up with baby sit so we can go out for a meal just the too of us.

We are lucky in the sense that we don't need financial support but time is much more important especially as we have moved from 1 to 2 children and it allows us to have quality time 1 on 1 with the children as we know the other is having quality 1 on 1 time with the grandparents as well as giving us time to be people and not just parents.

My DM was incredibly supportive when my DC were small. She regularly had them in the holidays and with my youngest, picked up from playgroup one day a week and looked after all the children after school that day. Before then she was working, so she told me to organise a cleaner once a week when I went back to work and paid for that in full. It was a gift of time, so I could spend my precious non-working time with the DC. I will never stop being grateful for everything she did for me - or missing her every day. It’s not about the money really at all - it’s the kindness and care that it represents when life is so full on.

Really lovely to hear the range of things that people are doing to support their offspring/receiving from their family. Really resonates @EATmum that its equally if not more to do with indicating kindness and care during times of stress than anything else. I feel less stressed about not planning sufficiently to pay for everything now so thank you!

Firstly we have considered not burdening them with our elderly care - we will have enough to allow them to not need to give up their lives to look after us. That freedom is important but it is one that not many people seem to give consideration to.

I don't do childcare as too far away. I don't offer financial support because both my kids have heaps more money than me.