Splitting finances on maternity… fair?

[MiaRosexo]

Just curious as to how others worked out finances on maternity leave and whether mine seems fair as I try my best to be good with money but I’m not great!

Me and my partner will be trying to conceive our first baby soon, for context we have a mortgage together but are not married, I earn a fair bit more than him however we go 50/50 on bills etc, we have separate accounts and he tends to pay for date nights and stuff as he’s a very generous man. Generally this means I have more money left over, which I do put into savings.

Unfortunately my work only do standard SMP which I believe will be around £750 a month. My contributions monthly to the house, bills, food, car finance etc is roughly £1.1k so we are both equally putting money into a maternity savings account with the aim for 9 months worth of this so roughly £10k, with the idea that my portion of the bills will be covered and the actual SMP will be my money to keep on maternity for days out, baby classes, lunches etc. So far we’ve managed £5.5k saved and that’s without us even trying to conceive yet so I’m very happy with our progress.

I feel like on paper this does feel fair as we are both putting into the pot now, so technically I will be paying a quarter of the household bills throughout maternity.

I just wanted to check I’m not being caught out anywhere and how others did it.

And please no lectures on being married etc first I am aware that’s the sensible thing to do however we can only save for one thing at a time realistically and timescales make me feel as though a baby is more important first, marriage will be on the cards eventually.

Thank you x

I have had therapy on and off for years for various anxiety related issues and abusive relationships (not the one I am in now!) but haven’t had any therapy recently, perhaps something to consider

in Jan 2025 you were telling mumsnet you were TTC and worrying about finances www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/5246064-how-much-to-save-for-maternity-leave

and since then multiple threads and you say you have severe financial anxiety

Please do. And park TTC

Ah the older ones are not showing on my account which is strange!

I thought going through posters old threads and commenting on them on current threads was not tolerated on mumsnet.

I have been on past threads. It’s increasingly
concerning

OP you can plan all you like but children are literally unable to plan for - when, how much, what costs etc.

It’s like a birthing plan that can almost be ripped up when you enter the hospital as the baby doesn’t care about your plan.

Separate finances are fine before marriage but honestly ask yourself if you split what will
happen. You will be on you own paying for everything - can you afford that?

There isn’t a right or wrong here as you aren’t married but like others have said I would get married before to allay some of your fears and ensure some of your planning is easier. You can have the big wedding later.

Take care x

it has crossed my mind yes but surely not every woman that has ever had a baby has thought they could pay for everything entirely themselves if worst case scenario, unless I am naive! X

Hard to say - I was married so didnt need to. That’s kinda the point?

We jointly saved up the amount of salary that I would lose while on maternity leave with a bit extra to cover pram, cot etc. Our pay is combined, we take off savings, bills, food, fuel, child expenses (and childcare once I went back to work) then what is left is halved equally between us for our personal spends. When my pay dropped on maternity leave the savings pot covered the shortfall.

I was the higher earner on my first maternity leave but DH had overtaken me by my second and earns much more now as I’m part time. We have always pooled everything and had equal spending money since we married, and if we hadn’t married would have done for the first baby. With your set up it seems like your DP is disadvantaged as the lower earner.

Statistically, your career and earning power is going to be negatively impacted by pregnancy, even if you are the higher earner.

so your approach to each fund a savings at 50:50 is unconventional but not crazy. It reflects the negative impact you will feel later.

However, you need to be sure that you are not paying more than half of the child related expenses. It is very easy for the primary parent to end up paying more without even realizing it is happening. Even things like maternity clothing should be a joint expense. So are the incidental expenses of entertaining and educating your child during maternity leave.

I also have pt agree with everyone. Marriage is cheap. Only weddings are expensive. Prioritizing a wedding over the legal protection of marriage is shallow. You might be the higher earner, but you are the person taking the risk with pregnancy. You are the one who could lose your job because of health problems during pregnancy or a birth injury. If your child has additional needs, you are the most likely person to reduce your work to care for your child. That was the choice my husband and I made even though I earned more. It is the choice I know many others have made in the same position. Being married protects mothers regardless of income because mothers are the ones taking all the risk with having a baby.

For someone with extreme money anxiety I am amazed that you wouldn't protect yourself and the child financially by getting married.

There is no reason not to.

It doesn't cost, it's just a simple legal contract but worth it's weight in gold.

I think if you’re in a position where sharing finances doesn’t seem sensible, then you shouldn’t contemplate sharing a child.

Maybe I’m just really unknowledgeable on the topic of marriage but I struggle to see how if it would be so beneficial to me if I am the higher earner… I don’t think I quite understand the legal ins and outs

Also I appreciate all the comments about marriage but do we not wait for proposals anymore?! I know it’s happening as we talk about it constantly however I can’t speed things up via pressure as much as I wish I could haha

You're thinking only about the now and not considering the future. There are two main things to consider

First
Statistically speaking motherhood will have a negative impact on your career path and future earning potential. You may well not be the higher earner in the years after having a baby. Your entire life's earning potential may well be reduced. You may make choices to work part time. You will be less available for unpaid overtime and out of work socialising - so you may be passed over for promotion/mentoring opportunities. Or you may choose not to go for promotions because you want to be more present for family life

Second
Your partner, however much you love each other now, may leave you in the future. Living on a single income is harder than two incomes. If he leaves and you're not married you'd get maintance for your child. If he leaves and you are married, you get half (give or take)of everything (yours and his) - savings, investments, pension, house, plus child maintenance. If you're the lower earner at this point and have poorer earning potential due to motherhood, as explained in my first point, this matters.

You can easily look up online the legal benefits of being married. It's not just financial but some of it is, tax benefits, pensions, inheritance tax, etc.

The reason you should get married before you have the baby is because your earning potential can dip drastically and your outgoings will definitely increase.

You will either have to pay for childcare or reduce working hours. You have also just indicated that your partner may not agree to marry so it is a risk to have a child anyway. And no, you should not wait for a proposal, you should take control of your own legal and financial future.

You have said that you are on the mortgage but are you actually on the deeds of the house?

Thank you for explaining. This makes total sense 🙏

We bought the house together and everything is split equally - same amount of deposit, same monthly payment contribution etc :)

How would you split the childcare costs?

Unsure yet, I can imagine it will depend on how many days I go back to work, if it’s full time then most likely 50/50, nursery where I am with the funded hours we’re looking at roughly £500 a month total for 4 days a week x

But if you child ends up woth additional needs you will likely want to stay home abd care for them. You might not be able to face using a nursery for a myriad of reasons anyway. In those circumstances you would be entitled to far more than 50% of the house. I know couples where the court ordered the mum and kids to remain in the family home until the youngest was 18 , with dad paying the mortgage. Another friend ended up disabled due to a horrible birth Injury. Was granted 80% of everything because she was married. Don't leave yourself vulnerable!!! Refuse to try for a baby until a date has been set for the marriage.

I was the higher earner by a big margin and continued my stellar career after Baby 1, but then Baby 2 turned out to be twins, and something had to give. By then my husband was climbing up the big career tree, and his job came with tenure and a DB pension, whereas my job was much more volatile, and my employer considered working mothers ‘less reliable’ - the promised promotion did not materialise and I ended up treading water.

Even today, working mothers are discriminated against in so many different ways. Don’t underestimate how tough this can be. And that’s before we get to the other possible spanners that might land in your way. A disabled child, a husband who wants to procreate but refuses to do the hard graft, serious illness, divorce…..

Marriage cannot protect you from life’s slings and arrows, but it can help mitigate the potential fallout.

Have you factored in you might need IVF? Given you have been trying for a couple of years?