Splitting finances on maternity… fair?

[MiaRosexo]

Just curious as to how others worked out finances on maternity leave and whether mine seems fair as I try my best to be good with money but I’m not great!

Me and my partner will be trying to conceive our first baby soon, for context we have a mortgage together but are not married, I earn a fair bit more than him however we go 50/50 on bills etc, we have separate accounts and he tends to pay for date nights and stuff as he’s a very generous man. Generally this means I have more money left over, which I do put into savings.

Unfortunately my work only do standard SMP which I believe will be around £750 a month. My contributions monthly to the house, bills, food, car finance etc is roughly £1.1k so we are both equally putting money into a maternity savings account with the aim for 9 months worth of this so roughly £10k, with the idea that my portion of the bills will be covered and the actual SMP will be my money to keep on maternity for days out, baby classes, lunches etc. So far we’ve managed £5.5k saved and that’s without us even trying to conceive yet so I’m very happy with our progress.

I feel like on paper this does feel fair as we are both putting into the pot now, so technically I will be paying a quarter of the household bills throughout maternity.

I just wanted to check I’m not being caught out anywhere and how others did it.

And please no lectures on being married etc first I am aware that’s the sensible thing to do however we can only save for one thing at a time realistically and timescales make me feel as though a baby is more important first, marriage will be on the cards eventually.

Thank you x

Posters should be aware that this Op has intense money anxiety - to a debilitating extent ,
and has been posting about money and maternity for years

We are married, went to the registry office with two witnesses. We only have joint finances. Everything into one pot. I can't imagine doing it any other way, though I know others keep separate. It seems weird to me though.

@Whatsnextforbea
Thank you.

You’re the higher earner, so ignore the usual Mumsnet tosh about getting married and ensure he goes part time not you to rebalance after mat leave

Woah I wasn’t expecting this to blow up! Really appreciate everyone’s replies, although overwhelming I think this has truly shown me that there is no right or wrong answer as there’s so many different opinions here!

Just a few things to reply to -

Current set up of 50/50 bills - a little extreme to call me a financial abuser I think! I don’t rinse him for his money, I don’t make him spend every penny on me, we really dont do loads of expensive things, he just likes to pay for the odd meal out. When I said I earn a lot more I guess that’s open to interpretation/I probably accidentally exaggerated a little, I earn £44k and he earns £30k. But the difference doesn’t feel that bad as in I’m not left with tonnes of money whilst he has none, I am not unreasonable. I also find that I fork out in other areas (which is fine!) I.e. I have a big family and we do a lot with them so there’s always birthdays, celebrations etc to pay for, which I cover.

Marriage - maybe I’m naive or maybe it’s down to who you grow up around/associate with but marriage before kids seriously isn’t a ‘be all and end all’ situation where I am - I have plenty of family members and friends that have children before marriage. It is on the cards however I am being realistic in the sense that it’s ok for a girl to dream of a nice big wedding (without taking it too far!) and also knowing that we’re just not quite there financially yet to blow so much money on one day. I am probably a little uneducated in the legal protection sense of marriage so it’s never really striked me as hugely important.

50/50 care etc - yes we will absolutely be fair sharing in this sense, to the best we can, I know there are limitations in terms of breast feeding etc, of course. I truly have the most wonderful man who does a lot at home, I’ve never once doubted that he would slack when it comes to childcare, household work etc. He is genuinely so excited to be a dad one day and he’s also hugely supportive of my career, I know we would never have the typical set up of “the man goes to work and pays all the bills and the woman does all the childcare” so I’m not really worried about that.

Splitting money after maternity - if I’m honest it’s not something I’ve thought too far ahead of, I suffer with extreme anxiety (as someone on here has noticed) particularly when it comes to money and planning and the future so if I’m not careful I will drive myself insane. We’re not even TTC yet we’re just planning so I have no idea if I would work full time after, if my salary would drop yet and all that! For now I’m just trying to plan for the 9 month salary drop.

Extended paternity - something I will definitely look into as I don’t know much about it right now!

Thank you for this and you’re absolutely correct, it is debilitating and I honestly drive myself insane thinking about it all the time and trying to plan every single thing - I am probably making things worse by asking for opinions to be honest as it gets me overthinking even more

We got engaged and DH moved in within three months, renting out his flat. From that moment (at DH's suggestion), all income was put into a joint account and all bills paid from that account, no matter what our circumstances in life, 31 years later it's still the same. We both have the same amount from the account each month.

Also another thing to reply to regarding joint accounts, I don’t really understand what the right thing to do is as I thought the general consensus these days was that women should protect themselves by having their own money, own account, separate from men

I have no idea if I would work full time after, if my salary would drop yet and all that! For now I’m just trying to plan for the 9 month salary drop.

You won't have any idea what you want until after you have the baby. Some women can't bear the idea of putting them in nursery, being separated from them after mat leave and work as little as possible or quit. Some women can't bare to loose their identity to motherhood and miss the freedom from dometic/child care roles and adult conversation going out to work gives them

I thought the general consensus these days was that women should protect themselves by having their own money, own account, separate from men
If you're married then it's all legally joint - ish, so why complicate it by keeping things separate? Marriage is financially protective, not separate accounts.

If you're not married then yes, this argument does make sense, but only if the agreement on future child related expenses is fair and the wages are equal. Realistically, most women get screwed by keeping things separate because they mostly cover the day to day child costs and end up earning less due to motherhood impacting their career choices

For now I’m just trying to plan for the 9 month salary drop.
I understand you are anxious about this and want/need to plan. You seem to be thinking about this in terms of the next immediate chunk of time eg mat leave. And are planning the fine details of this. Is it possible to harness your anxiety for a good use? As an emotion, anxiety is in all of us and is helpful to make us act. Cave men were scared of lions, anxiety kept them alive. Can you use your anxiety to plan in a more helpful way? People with no money anxiety will make short sighted, un researched choices through life and end up broke or in debt. Your anxiety makes you think and research.

is it possible for you to change the focus of your thinking from the immediate to the most important life decisions? If you get the fundamental decisions made well, you're starting from a position of safety and security. The smaller choices you make matter less.

You know you want to get married. You know you want to have a baby. You know you want to enjoy a full maternity leave. So plan those things in the order that leads to most financial security. Ie inexpensive private registry office wedding - - > joint finances - - > baby - - > large white wedding/blessing

You do have your own account, and that's where your salary should go...
Then you also have a joint account and joint saving account, where you transfer what is needed for the household. Bills, childcare,. mortgage etc comes out of that account. The saving account is useful for holidays etc.

At some points in life, it could be that all or most of your salary goes into the joint account - for us that was the case with 2 kids in nursery, or when we saved for our wedding.

But ideally everyone should keep a portion of their salary for their own expenses and savings.

Do not fall into the trap of the babies expenses coming out of your pocket even on maternity leave
I remember asking my ex to pay for a £30 car seat and him looking in absolute shock as to why he would have to do that
It was very much a case of your kid. You look after it.
That’s one to avoid

Your proposed arrangement sounds fair and perhaps a better deal for you.

Your DP can’t have much money left each month after paying the £1100 and saving towards maternity leave.

You have asked many many times in the past
and have done for years

you need to think whether you’re mentally in the right place for TTC

Correct! He’s doing all he can and for that I appreciate him more than anything. He does have side businesses too (unpredictable income) and he’s desperately trying to increase his salary

You’re probably right, this stuff isn’t for the anxious! Although I can’t imagine il ever feel fully ‘ready’

That’s crazy! We are on the same page in terms of bigger purchases like that. When I say baby expenses I more just mean cheap baby classes etc during the week x

I’ve been married 35 years this year. Had DC now grown up. Always had separate finances. Works for us.

Seems fair to me. Madness you are doing all this not even pregnant though. Dont get too focused on planning for it, you can’t control when / if it’ll happen.

No, seriously. This is a debilitating anxiety that seems to be getting worse with time.

You need to address your mental health and then TTC

This has been ongoing for years.

Yes I agree, you are correct, my anxiety and need to plan is intense

Have you had any therapeutic interventions for your severe anxiety @MiaRosexo ?

Years is a bit of an exaggeration as my first ever post was June 2025 but I appreciate what you’re saying x

It wasn’t
it was 2024