Guilt over no financial safety net

[MiaRosexo]

Not sure what I'm trying to get from this, maybe I just need to rant...

I've come to realise recently just how different my financial situation is compared to those around me in terms of safety nets... I have a decent paid job, I work really hard earning £45k a year as does my partner (although does earn less than me, £30k but also has side businesses that he's trying really hard with), we managed to scrape together 5% deposit for our house that we currently live in, as first time buyers. I know everyone is going to say don't compare and I 100% agree but I can't help but feel bitter that I'm surrounded by friends who were gifted with house deposits, wedding funds, holidays, just general financial back up.... although I work super hard it does worry me that me and my partner quite literally have nothing or no-one to fall back on if life ever went wrong, no inheritance coming, nothing. I'm constantly in a state of panic that I don't have enough savings etc, I know that literally anything we need to pay for in life (like future weddings) we will have to scrape entirely ourselves together. My partner was brought up in what I would almost consider poverty so has zero back up either... between us it just doesn't feel very comfortable and I get worked up a lot about it. If anything my situation is literally reversed with my parents, I sometimes have to lend them money as to put it bluntly, they are not very financially literate.

I really try not to but I just can't help but feel very jealous of the friends I am surrounded by who have never had to struggle. I have had to work solidly from university, never got the chance to explore what I truly want to do etc as never had the freedom to live rent free at home in order to save. I'm not sure what I'm getting from this I just wonder if others feel the same.

Another point is we want to plan for children soon and again I know I shouldn't compare but I already feel this intense amount of guilt that we won't be able to provide properly... holidays, extra activities etc, not in the same way that my friends will be able to do for theirs as they have no money worries. My parents work full time so no childcare available to us - it will be all full time nursey which I know is a killer. All my friends have retired parents. It almost puts me off having children completely as I feel as though I've failed as a parent before I've even started. For context we are 30 years old.

How do I shake this?

You need a plan of action in order to take control. Look at your finances properly, ensure you know exactly what is coming in and going out. Cancel anything that is not necessary or underused.

Start small, you’ll be amazed how things build up. Look for the best interest rate. My bank has a savings account that pays 5.5% but you can only put a max of £150 a month in. I opened one almost 2 years ago and it has more than 4K in now.

Agree you need a plan of action. Do you have any savings, emergency fund, investments, pensions? You’re earning a decent salary and if you don’t have kids you should have extra left over each month?

I’d start with going through the last few months bank statement, write down all your outgoings and income. What have you left over each month and what are you doing with it? Can you increase the gap, cut out any subscriptions etc?

Once you actually know exactly where you are financially, it’s amazing how much you can do with what you’ve got.

Always focus on what you have, decent jobs and your own home. I was very much like you in my late 20's but we had a child, paid down our mortgage year on year and lived cheaply but perfectly happily. We did face a major financial issue at one point but we did get through it with no savings but we managed. There will always be people around you with more, more support, more money, better opportunities no matter how much you earn. Do not feel guilty, it is hard to struggle but owning a home is a massive achievement and one thing you never know is how much people have on credit etc.

I can relate to an extent and think you need to focus on what you can change or control because this will start to reduce the worry. Do you know where all your household income is going? You have a fairly big household income so unless you’re servicing a big mortgage or paying off a lot of debt you both should be able to save a lot. Save as soon as you get paid (pay yourself first).

Or do you mean no safety net as in no financial support from both of your parents?

Everyone is focusing so far on what you could cut back on - but how could you and your DP earn more? Aim for a promotion, take on additional responsibility, change career? You’re only 30 and already on a good salary. Could you move jobs in the next year aiming for something more highly paid? Does your current employer offer decent maternity pay?

A lot of those gifts you quote are non essentials (big wedding, holidays). I would happily accept an expensive holiday, but would far rather pay off my mortgage.

Decide your priorities and make a plan. Don't get dragged into a 'lifestyle'. If you don't have a back up (lots of us don't) then prioritise savings for a safety net. There is plenty of fun to be had for free or very little, once you follow your values and priorities and ignore social media expectations.

The people with the extras are very visible, but not necessarily the norm.

You can either compare yourself with people who have (or appear to have) more, or people with less - and then value what you do have.

Agree with all the above, see if you can save an emergency fund and then a few months of living expenses, see if you can increase your income through better paid jobs or cutting living expenses, then make a plan of how you would budget if you had children, they really don't have to cost that much! children love your time and activities, so taking them to the beach or on a camping holiday means just a much as a holiday abroad - and contrary to popular belief they don't all want designer gear at age 6. Some kids activities are expensive and some are cheap, it balances out, nursery is expensive but council run nurseries or childminders are cheaper and then you get the free hours the older they get.

When i was pregnant with DC1 a colleague was explaining how he'd just spent £1500 on nursery furniture for his first child - and this was 15 years ago, I honestly almost had a panic attack thinking I can't afford that, but my director spotted that I was worried and said to me that when she was pregnant with her first child a couple of years before that, her parents gave her a £50 Ikea voucher and a friend gave her two bags of second hand baby clothes and she made do, so we went to Ikea and got a nice sturdy cot, babies don't know if the cot costs £50 or £1500.

I have about £4k in my own savings (it was wiped when we bought our house as that was entirely the house deposit, fees, furniture, general moving costs etc), we also have £5k in a joint maternity pot that we are both putting into so I can take maternity leave when the time comes. No investments as I don't know too much about it and wouldn't know where to start, and pension is just standard monthly contribution through work, maybe 5%?

We do have money left over per month and I really am trying to save as much as I can, I guess my fear will decrease a little when my savings are built up more :) x

Thank you so much this has really helped x

Household income is fine at the minute to be honest, that's less so of the problem, I am saving as much as I can and so is my partner although he does struggle a little more as admittedly £30k isn't too great in this economy so his monthly income doesn't go as far.

I think I more mean no safety net from family, I think I'm just comparing a little too much to all my friends who have house deposits paid for, holidays, wedding funds etc... it really is just me and my partner in this life if you know what I mean?

There is definitely scope for me to move up in my career and my partner is currently changing jobs too so he's hoping to be able to move up in the next few years! He also has a few side businesses that really help.

Current employer is standard maternity pay which is a real bummer to be honest but I know plenty of companies only offer enhanced once you've been there a year etc...

Thank you so much x

You haven't failed at all, you are both breaking the pattern of your parents, that's brilliant. Plus you are thinking about how to secure your financial future, that in itself is a massive first step to being comfortable.

You've had great advice already about starting small savings etc. Never opt out of your pension scheme either!

Your focussing on the feared outcome

Refocus on the solution - see advice above AND the process of achieving the solution.

We were the same and have after fist house and young kids stage passed started to build up a security net

Even of you save £50 per month for 10 years the value of compounding interest is worth understanding- it is my one regret that we didn’t even save a little bit over a long period of time - now we having to heap it away to prep for retirement

I can understand why you feel like this @MiaRosexo but I would turn it round and look at what you do have and what you've already achieved. There will always be people with more than us, but it doesn't necessarily make them any happier. There is a lot to be gained from knowing you've worked for what you've got and you will be excellent role models for children.

It made me think of this: https://youtube.com/shorts/8_cucp8jwVI?si=MmFg0Vu5JI_yqQP8

You’re actually doing flipping well - that’s brilliant to have bought a house by 30.

Peronally before kids I’d be working as hard as possible so that when they arrived I had a fully funded emergency fund, (3-6 months of expenses) no debt at all and be paying into my pension. Having said that if I didn’t have those things and kids came along you will survive - kids can be as cheap or as expensive as you want them to be. I took my tweens to the cinema on Tesco clubcard points yesterday and got sweets from B&M for a few quid. I watched another mum buy tickets and popcorn at the counter who spent over £50.

im a big Dave Ramsey fan and would totally be focussing on income. Not just your career but with no kids you could do a second job or side hustle. Earn a. Extra £500 a month for two nights working in a pub and your emergency fund is sorted in a year. Depends on how many hours you both work. At your age I was doing 60-70 hour weeks. Not for ever but for a few months it’s great - earn more and spend less.

But do yourself up not down, you’re changing your family tree! What a difference your kids will have if you have a paid for home, a pension and you can help them a tiny bit when they’re older.

Oh, also, stop giving your parents cash. They’re old enough to make their bed so they have to lie in it. Your family future is more important

Thank you so much I needed this x

100% going to look into investing!

Thank you so much, I will give it a watch!

If you are looking at investing the first place to go is make sure you are happy with what your pension is invested in. That’s where your real compound growth will occur

Thank you so much this is all great advice, appreciated! x

You will be a lot happier when you stop comparing yourself to others who are better off than you. Life isn’t fair.

I completely agree, it's something I really need to work on x

People on here will tell you that you have no time to wait to have kids. It’s almost certainly not true. Another two or three years of working and saving hard and you’ll still only be 32 or 33 and in a much better position.

Is your partner completely on the same page as you when it comes to saving and spending? This is so important, and even more so when you earn a lot more. Does he live within his means, or are you subbing him for takeaways, or his hobbies and so on?

Joint mat leave savings sounds sensible, but again are you contributing 50-50 or does he have full access to savings that you’ve put most into?

I know this sounds cynical, but you’ll never build financial security for you and future children if you have a financially irresponsible partner as a drain on you.

A wedding is a daft thing to spend big money on when you want to build security. A grand, tops, will get you a register office ceremony and a drink and nibble afterwards for friends and family.

I get where you’re coming from, we also have no family help, financial or practical. But you need to take control and make what you want in life, there’s no point in comparing to others or getting upset about it because it’s not going to change. We’re in our late 30s and have 2 DCs and feel financially comfortable. We made a plan of what we wanted to achieve and what we wanted to be able to provide for our DCs and made it happen. If you want more of a safety net and to provide holidays and experiences then make a plan of how to get more money, whether that’s working towards promotions or getting a new job or extra side hustle. It sounds like you’re on the right track though, you’ve got a house, some savings and a maternity pot so that’s pretty good going really.