Guilt over no financial safety net

[MiaRosexo]

Not sure what I'm trying to get from this, maybe I just need to rant...

I've come to realise recently just how different my financial situation is compared to those around me in terms of safety nets... I have a decent paid job, I work really hard earning £45k a year as does my partner (although does earn less than me, £30k but also has side businesses that he's trying really hard with), we managed to scrape together 5% deposit for our house that we currently live in, as first time buyers. I know everyone is going to say don't compare and I 100% agree but I can't help but feel bitter that I'm surrounded by friends who were gifted with house deposits, wedding funds, holidays, just general financial back up.... although I work super hard it does worry me that me and my partner quite literally have nothing or no-one to fall back on if life ever went wrong, no inheritance coming, nothing. I'm constantly in a state of panic that I don't have enough savings etc, I know that literally anything we need to pay for in life (like future weddings) we will have to scrape entirely ourselves together. My partner was brought up in what I would almost consider poverty so has zero back up either... between us it just doesn't feel very comfortable and I get worked up a lot about it. If anything my situation is literally reversed with my parents, I sometimes have to lend them money as to put it bluntly, they are not very financially literate.

I really try not to but I just can't help but feel very jealous of the friends I am surrounded by who have never had to struggle. I have had to work solidly from university, never got the chance to explore what I truly want to do etc as never had the freedom to live rent free at home in order to save. I'm not sure what I'm getting from this I just wonder if others feel the same.

Another point is we want to plan for children soon and again I know I shouldn't compare but I already feel this intense amount of guilt that we won't be able to provide properly... holidays, extra activities etc, not in the same way that my friends will be able to do for theirs as they have no money worries. My parents work full time so no childcare available to us - it will be all full time nursey which I know is a killer. All my friends have retired parents. It almost puts me off having children completely as I feel as though I've failed as a parent before I've even started. For context we are 30 years old.

How do I shake this?

I think that you simply need to give up two things:

1. Giving money to your parents who are both in work and need to sort their own lives out.
2. Comparing yourself to others.

At your stage in life we were living on an overdraft so the concept of saving was a joke!
I did not and do not make comparisons with others.
At your stage things are always tight as you are setting out in the world.
The fact that some people you know have had money fall in their laps is neither here nor there. In reality you are more the norm ... indeed above the norm. You both have decent jobs, you have bought a home and you have each other. I think you will find that many on this site would envy you!

Totally agree in terms of timing of children! it's definitely an option for us to wait a little.

We are completely on the same page financially, he just struggles a bit more than I do to save as he doesn't have as much disposable income however he does put into the maternity pot every month, he never goes into debt, he is extremely sensible, I don't sub him for anything. He works very hard and earns additional money outside of his job on evenings, weekends etc. He's also starting a new job too where there is more promotion/progress aspects, so there is hope!

The thought of weddings isn't even on the cards to be honest, there's no way we can drop £30k on one day like we've seen our friends doing, who have had significant help!

Thank you I think this has made me realise I'm probably being too harsh on myself!

It never used to be the norm that people started out with lots of financial help, and most people don’t have parents able to hand over substantial sums of money to adult children despite what you read on here.

In your shoes I’d work on getting my career well established before having kids. That one thing meant that I started from a place of a good salary, a good professional reputation and a sought after skill set. When kids came along I could flex my hours, work in places with good parental leave, sick leave etc and move jobs when the time was right. That’s paid dividends because my kids have complex needs and being able to work around them has been invaluable. Don’t prioritise one career over another - both of you earning slightly less will be more valuable in the long run than one high salary and one not working or on a low wage, try to keep in tandem with your partner - the long term gains are worth it.

You're saving where you can and you have a plan, so stick to it. And stop bailing your parents out - it took years for me to understand that I was compromising my financial security for theirs. They’ve made their choices, and need to live with the consequences.

You sound like you’re doing really well, focus on that.

@MiaRosexomy grandad used to say, money comes and money goes, as long as you have a roof over your head and food in your belly you are rich.

I don’t know how old you are, but I’m 42 and was in the same situation as you in my 20s/ 30s. I outworked everyone at work and said yes to everything because I was so petrified of losing my job. I also focused not just on cutting back, but on earning as much as possible (as one of the previous posters noted) - always took that job offer, always said yes to more responsibility. It was exhausting but we are now much more secure and I’m proud of what we achieved alone. We live in London and don’t have one single friend who didn’t have help with house/ wedding/ all the stuff you mention. Life’s not fair but we are healthy and capable and that’s more than many others have! Be grateful and proud of what you have, I’d say. Even from the way you wrote your message, it sounds like you’re so intelligent and aware. This is worth more than any financial help.

I felt the same but have reframed it a bit in my mind.
I have done brilliantly with the hand I was dealt. We will leave something for our kids and have been a safety net for them.

Standing on your own two feet and making a good job at building a financially stable life in difficult times - you should be proud of yourself

providing properly for kids is giving them love, attention , doing things together not horse riding and stage school. Keeping them warm, fed, safe. Full time nursery is a killer though.

life is unfair and there are people who had a worse hand in life too.

I think you've had some great advice in this thread so far.

I would just add - instead of marinating in envy, do something about it. Action banishes fear. Make your next project to learn as much as you can about financial wisdom and building wealth. There are lots of podcasts, books, courses you can do to learn about this stuff, if I were you I'd make it my mission to dive into it all and learn as much as I could. Think of how much more productive and interesting this is than sitting around feeling bitter and wounded. Do the work, learn it, become an expert on it.

Remember that we always compare upwards to people doing better than us. Remember to also balance this by comparing downwards - there are millions of people who would think your life was perfection and something to envy so dont ever forget that and find ways of incorporating gratitude into your life, its really transformative.

look for inspiration and you'll find it - there are so many people who have gone from nothing to becoming rich (and not by gifts but by smart working)- find those people, seek them out and learn from them.

I love this quote from Samantha Harvey's The Western Wing: “Laziness is a man wasting time, greed is him wasting food or money, anger is him wasting his peace. But envy – envy is him wasting his fellow man. Wasting the solace of other men.”

Wind not wing!

I think the other thing you need to do is get married on the cheap and make yours and his money our money. If you have kids together it’s a joint responsibility to save up for May leave and pay childcare not just yours.

My brother earns 30k and lives alone and manages. You don't need to spend lots of money on a wedding. Lots of people don't have a safety net from family. Not everyone's family has a lot of disposable income

He bought a flat two years ago.

Comparison is the thief of joy! Good income, which will only increase with progressing, own home, a lot better than many if you need to compare. Putting a bit away every month into savings adds up,you will be mortgage free one day. Starting out in life as a couple, both working, is a favourable position. Those friends who have had expensive things paid for are just lucky, I don't know many who have and those who have were either very well off or their parents are still paying the debt!

Be thankful for what you have, which is a lot and only the beginning of your life together ❤️

Focus on what you can change/do and not what you can’t. In life there are always going to be people in a better financial position. If it makes you feel any better they may be struggling in other areas - maybe didn’t get the love or emotional support you may have got from your parents. Everyone is dealt a different hand in life and it’s not fair. But that will never change so there’s little point dwelling on something you can do nothing about. Focus your energy on something you can change or build for yourself.

I came from a pretty poor upbringing no financial buffer, I bought a flat then my then partner now DH and I bought a house, then got married then had DS when I was 35, I'm now in my 40s our household income is over 120k (I'm also the higher earner) which I know isn't MN well off but I feel comfortable and my child will never know the worries about the electricity going off and egg on toast for dinner not by choice but because that's all we had. You're doing it by yourselves you earn well for your ages and hopefully that will continue to increase. Be proud of what you're achieving.

This - a plan. I had a terrible time financially a few years ago until i took control and made a plan. 1. Please both get life and critical illness insurance. - its easier to get and cheaper when you are younger and worth every penny especially if you consider the % cancer rates. 2. Sign up to Rebel Finance School - its free. 3. Make sure you are putting a decent amount into a pension- even if uou think you cant afford it, these years go by quickly and your future self will thank you. My partner didnt do this and so im working longer than i wanted to. 3. Seriously conaider how to help your parenta. Everything you give them is detracting from your future self. Though i agree its nice to help your parents put, just be careful it is not being fritterd. 4 make some good memories either way your parents - try and take them on even a cheap and cheerful holiday. Its easy to go theough life thinking you cant afford and then the chance is gone . Finally - best advice ive evwr neen goven. Dont make decisions about having children influenced by finance. You will manage and noone ever thinks they can afford them! Good luck

Focus on what you have got and not what you haven’t

you are young
healthy
have a dp
you own a house ( you got this on your own )
a massive achievement on its own

You live in a country that despite all the crap that we read in the papers and on line it’s still actually a decent place to live

we have free education for kids / help towards nursery fees
free health care
you won’t go bankrupt or lose your home if you get ill or have a complicated birth

You don’t need a big wedding
a wedding is just a an expensive party
the marriage is what is important

i think 50 percent of people get divorced so why spunk 30k on a party

and get off SM - stop watching tick tock insta and face book - it’s all a load of bullshit

you have done really really well
university , home owner well paid job

you have more than many

That isn't mumsnet well off? The most I ever earned in a job 25 years ago in my life was 26k. My mum spent all her life as a teacher - retired ten years ago and was earning around 35k when she retired. My brother earns 30k working in a gym having worked his way up from pittance wages 17 years ago.

Honestly sometimes mumsnet people need to wind their necks in.

I'm just happy getting by personally.
It was also a stinking rotten job where they harassed me and then sacked me for complaining about my working conditions

As far as I'm concerned as long as you have enough and have enough put aside for retirement - that's ok

Also your friend , work colleagues
would they have achieved what you have if they didn’t have inheritance or generous parents - its unlikely

my son is 30 owns his home with his partner
and lives a very easy care free life - he is probably similar to your friends and colleagues in that he had a big inheritance from my parents and I am always happy to help him if he gets a bug bill

he had a big car bill of 1200 and I paid it for him because I can easily afford to

but i absolutely guarantee you that if he hadn’t of got that there is no way he would be a homeowner- unlike you who have done it all on your own - so be proud of yourself

Op, your post isn’t about feeling guilty, it’s about envy. And, let me stop you there. It’s a WASTE of your time and energy.
There will always, always be people who have more, get given more, seem to have had an easier deal. That is life. You are clearly a smart, motivated woman, so wasting your time being jealous of other people? It is absolutely a waste of your time!
Use your time better op. Whatever you want? Go and get it. You absolutely can and when you do? No one will have given it to you, you owe no one for it, it’s yours. No better feeling.

I got a very small inheritance when my gran died - I appreciated it. My mum chose to give what was left in her estate to me and my brother - I would rather have my gran.

If anything happened to my mum her home would be left to me and my brother and I would live in it, he's fine with that - he has his own flat and I'm in council - and if anything happened to me after that - he would get it

I would rather have my mum around than have money when she dies

I grew up in a single parent family where my mum was poor as my dad is a twat and didn't give her enough money for me - but both my brother and me have done ok in life. My mum has always helped me when she can and vice versa. My brother moved in with her four years ago when a horrible relationship of his broke down and he made the decision to walk away from the share of the house he owned because his ex was making it so hard for him to get his share. She was abusing him too - after he left.

She let him stay rent free until he got a decent deposit for his flat - but he went through a lot of crap and she was happy to do it

Don't compare yourself to other people.

I had my own flat that I bought - ex council but my landlord demolished it and I had to leave it and go back into council housing. Compared to some people I have nothing - but I have a roof over my head - and that's what matters

No one needs fancy weddings or fancy holidays. As long as you have enough - that's all that matters

I've been told on here that I don't earn well!! It's more than either of my parents ever dreamed of, but still not good enough for MN 😂

You have £75k a year and you’re worried?
I get £14k a year, bring up my granddaughter and still manage to have a nice life.
You’re getting £5000ish a month, what on earth are you spending it on? Most people don’t get inheritance or help with house deposits, I don’t I know a single person that has had help like that or is relying on an inheritance. Most people just get on with life. I don’t even know anyone that had their wedding paid for! Most people don’t expect parents to subsidise their lives.

my stepdad has around £15k in his bank and I want him to spend the lot. I encourage him to buy nice things and be comfortable, I didn’t get a penny when my mum and dad passed away and I didn’t expect any.

stop looking at other peoples lives and be grateful for the life that you have, you’ve worked hard for what you have and that should make you proud, not resentful because others have had it easy. You’ve had to work to get where you are, I personally think that is a much better thing, all I want when my step dad passes is my mums wedding ring!

Also a wedding is one day, why on earth people spend £30k+ on ONE DAY blows my mind.
my wedding (14 years ago) cost £1500, the only things I didn’t pay for were the DJ and the car, they were wedding gifts. In contrast my brother got married 7 months after me and his wedding was £45k+ and they were still paying it off when they split and got divorced 2 years later!

don’t spend money that you don’t have to try and impress people. I wouldn’t change a single thing about my day.