Guilt over no financial safety net

[MiaRosexo]

Not sure what I'm trying to get from this, maybe I just need to rant...

I've come to realise recently just how different my financial situation is compared to those around me in terms of safety nets... I have a decent paid job, I work really hard earning £45k a year as does my partner (although does earn less than me, £30k but also has side businesses that he's trying really hard with), we managed to scrape together 5% deposit for our house that we currently live in, as first time buyers. I know everyone is going to say don't compare and I 100% agree but I can't help but feel bitter that I'm surrounded by friends who were gifted with house deposits, wedding funds, holidays, just general financial back up.... although I work super hard it does worry me that me and my partner quite literally have nothing or no-one to fall back on if life ever went wrong, no inheritance coming, nothing. I'm constantly in a state of panic that I don't have enough savings etc, I know that literally anything we need to pay for in life (like future weddings) we will have to scrape entirely ourselves together. My partner was brought up in what I would almost consider poverty so has zero back up either... between us it just doesn't feel very comfortable and I get worked up a lot about it. If anything my situation is literally reversed with my parents, I sometimes have to lend them money as to put it bluntly, they are not very financially literate.

I really try not to but I just can't help but feel very jealous of the friends I am surrounded by who have never had to struggle. I have had to work solidly from university, never got the chance to explore what I truly want to do etc as never had the freedom to live rent free at home in order to save. I'm not sure what I'm getting from this I just wonder if others feel the same.

Another point is we want to plan for children soon and again I know I shouldn't compare but I already feel this intense amount of guilt that we won't be able to provide properly... holidays, extra activities etc, not in the same way that my friends will be able to do for theirs as they have no money worries. My parents work full time so no childcare available to us - it will be all full time nursey which I know is a killer. All my friends have retired parents. It almost puts me off having children completely as I feel as though I've failed as a parent before I've even started. For context we are 30 years old.

How do I shake this?

We were in the same situation at your age (now 50s) never had a penny from any one or help with kids but we have very much focused on creating financial stability. Saved a little when we could, over paid the mortgage and now chucking everything into pensions. I came to investment late and that is my one piece of advice as I think it would have made a huge difference. We are comfortable (compared to many people, very comfortable) but do seem to be surrounded by people with family wealth and earn significantly more. At times it’s bothered me but actually I’ve learned to be proud of what we’ve achieved. Both from working class big families, our families lived in rented accommodation and never had a bean. We now have no mortgage, a small amount in investments and we should have a pension that will give us a comfortable retirement. One thing we perhaps hadn’t factored in properly to our savings was university top up fees. Thankfully our mortgage finished at the same time the kids went to uni, if it hadn’t we’d be very strapped. Just focus on your own achievements, no one else’s matter.

@MiaRosexo Do your parents pay back the money you "loan" them? If not, stop doing it. Harsh, I know, but you can't support them. You don't need a huge wedding. We had an early morning registry office wedding, back to our house with close friends and family for an actual "wedding breakfast" of orange juice, coffee, croissants, danish pastries and fizz! It was a wonderful day ❤️

Have read any of posts so far but you have my upmost sympathy. I was the same. Came from a very large family and have had to work so hard all my life. I have been insecure as not having a financial safety net is very hard. However I will say that as you get older you will realise that money isn’t everything, your health is very important and that will,allow you to work and hopefully build up some funds for your security. It’s a very unfair world.

Hello , at age 30 my fiancé and I were living in a double room in a shared house, working 60 hour weeks and wondering what the future would bring.

Don’t panic. It sounds like you are like us: our 30s were by far the hardest decade for financial insecurity and “grafting going nowhere.”

You will slowly claw your way out in your 40s if you work hard. You have to time things cleverly. At age 32 I realised I needed to sort out my finances so I could afford a baby with my now-DH. I went out got a new job offer - same salary, but with enhanced maternity (75% of pay for the period after the SMP drops off, with handcuffs so I had to then return to work for a whole year). I went to my boss and said “look, I don’t want to leave. I work hard for you, but you don’t offer a competitive package. I got this job offer very easily. Match it, or I’m afraid I’ll be handing in my notice.” My company agreed, said my points were reasonable and matched the offer - and six months later introduced enhanced maternity for the whole company.

It is ALWAYS worth negotiating at work.

Nevertheless the baby years are worse. We were literally counting pennies. Actually full time childcare often is “5 days for the price of 4” so it is often worth going back full time, although it is soul destroying to leave that precious little baby with a stranger. Sadly, you get used to it.

Hold tight - better times are ahead. I’m now entering my 50s and financially much more secure - now we are saving to give our kids the head start we didn’t have, to avoid student loans and give them a deposit for a car or a home.

Regular saving is a priority. Pay it in immediately you are paid. Don't wait until the end of the month to see if you have anything left. You won't have.

The Coop Bank has a regular saver account max £250/min £1 a month 7% interest. ( Instant access in case of emergency). You could each have one and compete.

The secret of saving is not to save what is

I can remember being your age and now I’m twice your age.
To give a different perspective.
There are threads on here with couples who have been gifted something like a mortgage deposit - and then the parents feel entitled and want to get involved in their lives.
Parents who become grandparents who look after children and then go against every direction given - it usually involves food!
Gifts may be given generously by parents but they can come at a price - control, future care, getting involved with opinions, nightmares around holidays when two sets of in laws want this or that, young couples absolutely in turmoil over it.
No, it’s not every set of parents but it is frequent.
So I would look at this positive - you have absolute autonomy as a couple.
I know getting married is a big deal but in 2026, don’t let it eat into your finances. The most important thing is that you get married.
And finally - kids and stuff. Yes, it’s very nice to indulge and spoil but again there are threads on here with mums at a loss because they have teens they given ‘everything’ to who are now entitled. No, not every teen, but it is common.
You two are a strong couple, good health, on the property ladder. You have options and you are doing brilliantly.

Recommend the Meaningful Money and Making Money podcasts if you want to focus on personal finance. The skills you are learning now in managing without a safety net are huge and will serve you (and any future DC) so well. Those who don’t have to work hard at it may seem like they’re doing well, but they won’t have the same ability that you have to manage when things are harder.

As someone who although from a decent background with good financial support available from parents, has always been (DH too) in low paid jobs and made some hard decisions regarding living options etc (been stuck in the rental trap for a decade now as i wanted to be financially independent, also we funded nearly all our wedding for same reason) you sound like you are doing well! You own a house and have not too bad incomes.
I know it's hard not to compare with others around you, but you need to focus on your own path and what is achievable within that.
We have 2 kids and one on the way, and some would say (especially on here) that we are crazy for that on what we earn (quite abit less than you) lack of support network, not having much in savings or any capital in property, but we manage the essentials and a fair few treats too.We don't go abroad on fancy trips and buy quite afew things second hand, but we eat out, go on days out etc often. Our kids are happy, do lots of fun activities and clubs, are well cared for and never go without in ways that matter.The financial support we have received from my mum makes it easier, but they would still have a decent quality of life without it, even without some of the extras.
Childcare is expensive yes (we use a childminder) but for me cheaper due to working part time and there is the funding from 10mths of age now, although some settings do require a top up payment.

There is too much focus nowadays on having the 'ideal setup'....especially on mums net.

I started small, use Moneybox, picked a set fund / portfolio and set it up to collect the 'round-ups' from my bank account. Slowly but surely I have learnt a lot and also changed the mix of my portfolio (S&S ISA). I dont worry when the value / markets go down. In fact, that is exactly the time I put more into it to take advantage of the lower prices!

We too have no family money or inheritance. I wish though that I had started consistently putting more bits of money away for the long-term. Think about when you want to semi / retire. Build a mix of pensions, LISAs, S&S, Cash in high interest- oh, and just a little in Premium Bonds as you never know.

The best way to say money though is to spend and waste less. It took me a while to learn this - and I could have done so much better - but now I am in the position of being semi-retired at 55 and more options and choices.

You are actually in a very privileged position.

You need to stop the comparisons and self pity.

Take a look at your finances. Get rid of any unnecessary expenses. Pay off any debts. Look into where you can invest for decent returns.

Make some plans. 1 year plan. 2 year plan. 5 year plan etc. Work out how you will achieve those plans and get on with it. Live within your means. Start saving. Small amounts add up quickly.

When we got married, it cost us about 300 quid. A registry office and then a lunch at a nice hotel. We told our 20 guests if you want to come, you have to pay for yourselves. Everyone came. Weddings are what you make them - they really can cost you as much or as little as you want to spend.

OP, same. My DH and I had to pay for everything ourselves. Our wedding, childcare, the lot. We also had to support various family members financially (both sides of the family).

Now together 24 years and married for 22 things have improved. We got through it. No longer supporting extended family members financially, still have a mortgage (and with 19 years to go) but we now have great LTV (60:40!). Our pensions are slowly growing, we’ll never be rich but we should manage. No longer paying for childcare (I worked out that in 15 years we paid over £65,000 😱) No debt. Some savings. Haven’t had a proper holiday since 2023 but hey ho. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

You are doing really well, keep it up, be proud you are doing it alone.

Don’t give in to lifestyle creep, keep saving, planning. Try to avoid expensive debt (sometimes 0% debt can work for you).

You have a house, a pension, some savings, a well paid job and someone to love. This is flipping awesome!

There will always be people better off than you, but someone is looking at you wishing they had what you have…there is always someone worse off too.

Thank you so so much this is the loveliest reply ever!! :) x

Op most people can’t afford activities/ holidays etc, they take lunches on days out, get loans for holidays, scrimp somewhere else to accumulate what they need that month. And I think if you did a nationwide survey the amount of people who can easily afford or who do receive help is minimal. As someone else said you sound on the right track, I do know when you panic it’s difficult- every so often I think about the kids being in college and us not being able to help but I got no help and worked a part time job while in college and it all worked out

I can’t believe you have started yet another thread about your finances. You admit to having an extreme anxiety problem around money @MiaRosexo .

You really need to seek professional support before continuing TTC

Not sure that the patronising tone is necessary but thank you I am aware, I thought this would be a place of support and community rather than judgement

Probably not helpful, but my DH has a very wealthy parent (multi millionaire), and we have been helped with the princely sum of £0. Thankfully, we are ok for money now that we are in our 50's, however, BIL is so poor that he can't even put the heating on. Meanwhile MIL is booking cruises and all types of far flung holidays. 🙄

Encouraging someone with a very clear mental health illness to seek professional help, especially before TTC is not being patronising. I too have been aware of all your threads and admission you have extreme financial anxiety. You can do this 💪 @MiaRosexo

I really do appreciate genuine concern, it's just language such as "I can’t believe you have started yet another thread about your finances" leaves me feeling a little humiliated x