Friends on weight loss drugs no longer want to split the bill... hmm

[CornflakeMum]

Just want a bit of a rant really... I know the answer will just be I just have to 'suck it up' etc but...

For many years I've been the friend in the group who doesn't drink much (I tend to drive due to where I live) and I've never had a big appetite, so often just have a soft drink or water and a single main course or salad.

Over many years I've avoided causing a fuss and just tacitly accepted that I'll be subsidising the meals of my friends who happily tucked into three courses and cocktails/wine and then cheerily announced 'let's just keep it simple and split the bill, eh?'

Two of the big eaters are now on WLIs and when we met recently they announced that they'd be getting separate bills, as obviously they won't be eating very much!

Anyone else had this?

The only person the OP should be annoyed with is herself. Basically her logic is ‘I’ve been a mug for years, and I resent the fact that other people aren’t prepared to be mugs in their turn.’

Why would you go out for meals with a group over such a long period of time whilst secretly resenting the amount you're paying?

Why even be friends with people you think are "greedy and cheeky"?

Just weird game playing to be saying "the boot is on the other foot" now to a group of people who are supposedly your friends. Just don't go out with them if it's that bad.

Agree. You were a mug before. That should stop now.

This is certainly one of the more…imaginative WLI-bashing threads I’ve seen.

But isn’t this the problem -

There was once one friend who kept tabs on the meal, only wanted to pay for her own and never contributed to the tip. People stopped inviting her because it was a bit awkward. She was very well off but just didn't like spending money.

There should never be a problem with someone just wanting to pay for what they ate? But it’s often seen by the others (who are effectively being subsidised) as a ‘problem’ and ‘awkward’ to the extent that they stop including them. And it’s irrelevant whether someone is well off or not? The issue is not wanting to spend money on food and drink you didn’t eat.

In my case sometimes these groups are quite big (8-12 people) and might include not just my friends, but new partners or visiting siblings etc - people I don’t even know, so it’s not really a case of me not liking them - more not knowing them!

I always include a tip.

I agree, now that I see how the tables have turned, but as I said there are some big personalities who would decide to call for the bill and declare ‘how much each’ it was…
As another poster says, someone wanting to just pay for what they ordered is seen as awkward / tight and probably won’t be invited back!

Eating out in groups isn't for everyone. There are other ways to socialise. Most of my friends want to pay their way. I don't mind subsiding other people or sometimes pay for them entirely. When someone comes a long wanting to pay for just their bit then it can make everything awkward as it makes people self conscious about what they have ordered.

Your fault for not speaking up!

YABU to be annoyed they are sticking up for themselves when you didn’t.

Well, you’ll never know, will you, because you never did it? I suppose now at least you can see whether the friends on weight loss drugs turn into social lepers if they do what you could have done, but chose not to.

“When someone comes a long wanting to pay for just their bit then it can make everything awkward as it makes people self conscious about what they have ordered.”

Blimey, that’s a new one! So everyone should pay the same so as not to embarrass someone who has eaten and drunk a lot?

Self-conscious about what you order makes no sense to me. Order what you like, eat and drink what you want, but be prepared to pay for it, surely.

It's easy to say after the event but you can see now that your 'tacit acceptance' has left you out of pocket and these friends have no worries causing a fuss when the shoe is on the other foot.

Learn from it and move on.

I don't drink and have never been made to feel i have to subsidise drinks. It's worked out on average rather than exact pence but I've always appreciated friends who mention when the bill comes that i should pay less.

It's not mercenary to notice/acknowledge that these friends are changing the established social etiquette of group meals to suit them, without regard for heir own past behaviour. I think most people would be put out by this sort of behaviour because it implies a lack of consideration for others and is hypocritical.

Being a bit upset by this doesn't mean OP dislikes her friends, that's a big leap. Friendship doesn't mean never having any emotions other than positive ones, you're allowed to be upset with your loved ones sometimes.

OP I'd be annoyed by this too and I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to point out to your friends that you've subsidised their meals/drinking for years without complaint so you're surprised that they're now changing the goal posts. Many of us struggle to speak up when we're uncomfortable especially if you're more introverted, so don't beat yourself up for going along with the subsidising but do find a way to speak up for yourself going forwards when your friends are being unfair. Sometimes people are completely oblivious to unfairness so there's a good chance your friends just haven't connected the dots here.

You should’ve spoken up. I’m vegetarian and don’t drink wine. I used to go out to eat frequently with 2 friends who would order bottles of wine and eat meat dishes which were generally more expensive. I would always get my own bill and they’d usually split the remainder between them and we were all happy with this as no one was left out of pocket.

The reason I posted last night was because I was about to go for another meal where I sensed this might become an issue.
Anyway, buoyed up by this thread I decided I’d speak up and say I’d just pick up my own actual share of the tab.

So…
2 people on WLIs said up front they’d not be splitting the bill
I jumped at the chance and added that I’d do the same as was driving/ not drinking etc
Another (female) friend piped up she’d do the same!

There was a bit of muttering about ‘why the faff’ and some eye rolling, but no outright challenge.

At the end the four of us paid our own bills + share of tip (and yes, it was a bit of a faff) and then gave the outstanding balance to the rest of group to split.
There was some discussion at that end of the table and one person saying ‘that couldn’t be right’ and asking us four what we’d eaten, but in the end it was paid.

When I got home later I had two separate WhatsApp messages from different members of the group who split the bill. One saying they thought the WLI people weren’t ‘acting in the spirit of the evening’. (WTF?) and another still arguing that she thought there’d been a mistake as she’d had to pay over £90 for her meal!

I sense the dawn of a new era…

With herself yes.

It sounds as if your WLI friends have inadvertently done you a favour. From now on you can just pay for your own meal, and save a fortune!

That’s just silly. Why would the OP expect to be compensated for being a wet lettuce for years by other people performing wet lettucery likewise when they have no problem prioritising their own wishes and saying so? She invented her own social ‘rule’ and apparently believed with no evidence that she would be ostracised if she suggested not splitting the bill equally. Now she’s annoyed other people have broken her rule with no consequences.

You've been a total mug for splitting it over the years.

Had friend who paid £90 not checked the bill for the cost of her own items before blindly agreeing to pay it?!

Well, I think OP expected it because that's the social norm her friends imposed when they spent the previous years of dining out together saying they wanted to split the bill evenly! Hardly silly, but we can agree to disagree.

But no one 'imposed' it. The OP always had the option of saying 'No, I only had water and a salad, I'll just pay for my own', she just chose not to take it because she imagined there would be consequences. She's now discovering there aren't and is getting cross at the wrong people.

Look at this as a win. You say “that works well for me, let’s always each pay for what we each have in future”. In six months or so they’ll be a off the drugs and eating more normally again, but the precedent has been set so you can insist on separate bills forever more.

People who insist on doing things differently depending on whether it will be to their benefit or not are obviously annoying and selfish. I’d never let my friend split the bill evenly if I knew her portion was less than mine. You could say that she’d be a mug for doing that, but I’d also feel like a dick for going along with it.

But now you know what they’re like.