How do you manage finances with husband and DC?

[Whatisgoingoff2024]

We have always had our own accounts where our wages are paid into. Then we send a percentage of our wages into a joint bills account that covers all household costs/ nursery and then another account for food shopping.

My husband has always been the higher earner so I’ve always paid less. He gets frequent bonuses that have always covered family holidays and I was fortunate it paid a large proportion of our wedding. I’ve always felt financially supported, he will pay for the majority of meals out etc with me paying for the odd one here and there.

Since going part time after our DS was born, I’m not in a position to save anymore as I’ve taken the wage cut. I use to be able to save around £300 per month which was my safety. My savings are next to zero now as I spent a large proportion through the unpaid months of maternity leave,

We got married last year and I can’t help but think that we would be much better making all accounts one. Then, having a fair distribution each of spends, saving a proportion jointly or separately.

The issue is that my husband doesn’t seem to be on the same page. We are due or second DC later this year and I feel so stressed that I don’t have a safety net behind me. We do have joint savings but we are planning to move house later this year. Whilst my husband pays for the nice things (holidays etc) I have never expected or asked for him to fund day to day costs.

On my PT wage after my bills, I have around £600 left which doesn’t seem to go far after petrol and days out with my DS.

My question is, do you have separate accounts? Or is everything joint?

If everything is joint, does this cause arguments? Do you manage to put aside your own savings?

Personally this would not work for me. It is not fair. Unfortunately he has no incentive to be more open and reasonable. In your situation I would go on the offensive and give him an incentive. I would state I am uncomfortable with the status quo as I refuse to be treated as less than equal in my marriage. As a result I’ll have to look for full time work so I personally have sufficient access to secure finances. Therefore he obviously needs to take over his share of the childcare and home running. You might be willing to do more than half, in line with your respective % fair contributions to the household budget - something to discuss. I personally would add I’m not prepared to pay a penny into joint finances and bills until he can demonstrate to me we have the same amount of money left over at the end of each month after joint expenses. You are obviously willing to share your financial details with him to make this happen.

Everything is joint and we have equal access to discretionary spending. I would not have had a child with a man that didn’t believe in this system. I definitely wouldn’t have reduced my hours at work if my husband didn’t follow this system.

I only make financial sacrifices because he truly views us as a team. If he didn’t, I would do whatever it took to protect myself and my career. That wouldn’t be best for our SN child, but it would be necessary.

I wouldn't be comfortable with that personally. You are being financially disadvantaged in your marriage by working part time to look after your joint child! Our pay goes into our individual accounts and we both transfer the majority into a joint account, leaving the same amount for 'fun money' each, despite the fact his income is much higher than mine (work part time, three DC)

Everything on a spreadsheet, when we both get paid (fluctuates slightly due to on call etc) , those numbers go at the top all household expenses come off incl bills, mortgage, groceries, we have an amount monthly for DS spending, then joint savings (various pots eg short term slush fund for things like car repairs , holiday pot, Christmas and birthday pot, then long term savings that we don't touch) DS savings, then whatever is left gets divided in two for our personal fun money.

DH often spends all of his I often save a fair proportion of mine but that's mine there's no expectation that's family money, so I've just used some of mine to pay for a trip away with friends. Regardless of who gets paid what we both have the same disposable income. Our salaries are more equal now but up to recently I've been the higher earner, I still am but not by the same margin as previously.

I don’t get any way that isn’t everything being both of yours. Some of my friends seem to have very complex systems with various accounts, my life feels hard enough without adding more admin :)

Everything goes in one pot in our house. We’ve each taken the title of the higher earner at various points over the years but ultimately none of that mattered as everything is shared. We don’t have separate savings every expense is ‘ours’ every bonus, lotto win etc is ‘ours.

I’d find it really hard to raise children and not share finances. It makes things very transactional.

Joint account into which both salaries are paid and all bills and family expenses come out. Equal ‘spending money’ into personal accounts and we each have individual pensions and ISA. I’d consider the savings accounts joint even though they are in one name - holidays and big purchases (car, new roof) etc would come out of them. We now work fairly equal amounts as our kids are all teens but for much of our marriage I’ve been the one working part time, earning less and caring for children. DH/the joint account contributed to my pension whilst I was on mat leave. Our spending money is for gifts and personal spends without being answerable to the other person. Over 20 years we have weathered 3 periods of mat leave on statutory pay, husbands’s redundancy, a period of me not working because daughter was ill. There has not always been money for anything beyond the basics but the system has always served us well. I just would not contemplate having children with a man that did not acknowledge the massive hit to the overall family earning capacity and seek to even that out - having kids means either one parent drops hours massively or you shell out for huge amounts of childcare.

He expected you to pay bills while you weren’t earning, and you were growing and giving birth to his child?
FFS, I hate men who allow this.

However. £600 on petrol and days out is a lot. Prioritise saving.

We are older and kids all grown up but have always had separate bank accounts with dh paying the majority of the bigger bills and car repairs etc. We always intended to set up joint accounts but it just never happened ! In the past few years he has earnt around £600 pm more than me. he is more than happy to cover bigger items. We have two kids at Uni and each support one each.
He inherited quite a sum of money but used it for the benefit of us both ( paid off remaining mortgage and paid for an extension) but does have significantly more savings than me as he has the rest of his inheritance. If I do inherit ( can never bank on this due to possible care home fees) then obviously I would share with him. We will retire in a few years time and will have similar pensions.
I am due to lose my job in a few months( fixed term contract coming to an end) and if I can't find another he will have to support me more although I have saved a bit to cover up to six months.

DH’s money is our money, my money is my money. Any expenses I have go on the joint card, he pays it. I’ve never paid a bill in my life. It works well for us but not an arrangement I’d like my own daughters to have.

As for surprises, this year DH was very surprised what he’d bought me for Xmas. I’d ordered what I wanted, he’d paid for them and when they arrived he wrapped them up for me. 👌

If It’s really important for you to have your own savings fund I’d be telling DH so. He should have no problem splitting some of the savings so that you have some of it in your name.

Ideally everything should go in one pot. Pay the bills, family savings and events, food etc and you split the leftover 50/50. You can move your 50% into your own account.
Same goes for leisure time. Equal hours.

I don’t think you should have used your savings up for maternity leave, unless he did too.

I also think you should be fully aware of your joint financial situation. Maybe he’s getting into debt paying for meals out, maybe you can’t afford to spend £120 on hair and eyebrows. Or maybe he’s saving £1,000 a month.

And how’s your pension? And his?

We’ve never had a joint account. When money was tighter when the DC were little we worked out who paid what bills (including childcare) so that we were left with the same money after bills each, approximately. I had a spreadsheet.

I haven’t re-calculated who pays what for years, money’s not tight now and I earn more than enough to save well. We’ll have to rethink for the uni years though,

I was wondering about pensions too

We paid into a joint account in proportion to our income. DH earned five times what I did, so he paid in five times as much for all joint bills. The remainder of our salaries was for each of us to spend or save as we wish. No ned to run anything by each other. He is a spender and I a saver. If he wants to spend £100 on a shirt he can crack on. No red flags. Together for 35 years and married 25.

One pot here. I understand mixed finances early on in relationship/before kids, but once you are married with children I really don’t understand why it wouldn’t all be combined. It’s family money for you all to share.

the only thing that is different between us is our pensions, but realistically if we split this would divided 50:50 anyway.

What is benefit to keeping separate?

Everything is joint. Joint account for wages to be paid in. Joint savings. We take what we want from the main account e.g. I pay for baby classes, we buy stuff for the kids, he buys lunches at work, if I go out for lunch then it comes out of the pot. We don't have loads of money but also don't do tit for tat - we just both make sensible choices as we are in it together. If we wanted something larger for ourselves then we would say to the other person but neither of us are greedy and we don't grudge the other one. I am PT and husband is FT.

I really don't understand separate finances.

But if you're going to do separate, it needs to be fair. So, for a start, you are saving the family significant money by not having to have nursery/childcare fees on the days you are with him. So you should be compensated for that. At the very least, calcualte it at the difference in cost between your hourly rate at work and the hourly rate for childcare.

Costs while you are out and about with your DS, should be shared. If you had a nanny, you would (jointly) meet the costs she incurred while taking your DC out, the same should happen with you and your DH.

If, because you are not working, you are able to save money on no cleaner or other bought in help, obviously you should be compensated for you doing this instead - unless he is genuinely doing 50%? If you did not have a cleaner before but now tha tyou're working part time, he is able to do less at home, is he compensating you for his share of cooking/cleaning etc that you are doing?

Is any of this happening? Probably not. And sure, he's paying for holidays and meals out and all the rest of it - great. But you don't have any control over that do you? Nothing is more infantalising than feeling you don't have control.

Also, I don’t think it’s good for kids to see it’s the dad always paying for the meals out/ holidays/ fun things (I know OP’s child is too young, I’m talking more generally). There’s a risk they end up grateful to the dad and not seeing/valuing what the mum contributes that’s less obvious.

Or the other way round of course.

We both earn the same so always paid 50/50. Obviously when kids came along this couldn't continue. I stared paying for everything until I resented it. We had a talk and he genuinely had never thought about it and immediately sorted it out.
We both pay and amount into the joint account which covers EVERYTHING family related. Days out, takeaways, bills, kids clothes and holidays. We both keep the same amount back for personal savings, own purchases, gifts etc. I said I never wanted to have to justify it feel bad about buying myself something frivolous and I wanted him to be able to buy expensive tech without me grumbling!
Anyway we both earn about the same again and it still works.

We have separate accounts and a slightly complex money go round system but it works for us and is equitable. Due to the way our finances worked for many years we needed to be able to make decisions immediately due to investing. We have retired now so no more high risk stuff. It has always worked for us as balanced, your set up in horribly inbalanced.

Start charging your sh his half of the child care you do so he can go to work - how does he get away without coughing up. Life is free for him to not pay, he has children

how else are you going to pay into your own pension?

We pay both our salaries (DH's is much more than mine) into a joint account and everything comes out of there, including joint savings, investments etc. We also get the same amount of 'fun money'.

We've done that since we moved in together pre marriage and kids.

He doesn't really look at the accounts so it's easy to surprise him. He either takes cash out for my birthday present or tells me not to look at the account for a couple of days!

You are in a partnership of marriage, you need to discuss finances with DH, especially if the chances of you returning to work after you’ve had your second child are slim. Whilst he’s said he’s happy covering everything, tell him you’d feel better knowing where all both your money goes each month, just for peace of mind. I was always a saver, even if some months I could only save a small sum, so I get you and would try and save some each month and then ask DH to top up joint account a bit more.

We both work, my husband a high earner, I’m part time nhs. We pool all our money together. We don’t have ‘yours’ and ‘mine’. It’s been this way since we bought our first house together 25 years ago

I’m a civil servant so I have a stable pension and my partner has a private pension through his employment.

I have no worries that he has secret credit cards etc.

Our childcare bill is £43 per month for 2 days per week with the 30 hours free childcare. I work 3 days, look after my DS for 2. My husband has a day off in the week to care for DS and works a day at the weekend and that works best for us.

From the response to my post it seems our way is out of the “ordinary” and everything should be split equal despite the wage difference.

However, there are also quite a few posts suggesting having your own personal savings too. So I’m curious how you manage this if all your savings are joint? Do you both then take your own personal savings away from the remaining amount?