Son keeps borrowing money

[Mistymagpie]

Hi, I need to get some perspective on the situation with my son and his constant request to borrow money from me and his dad.

we are both 58 and our son is 31. He is married with two young children and I know that financially they have been struggling. For the last couple of years he is regularly asking to borrow money from us which we normally agree to however we’ve seen little in the way of repayment. for example he will ask us to lend him 2 to £300 to pay a bill with the promise of paying us the money back a couple of weeks later when he’s paid. We transfer the money but then it doesn’t get repaid. There was always a reason why he can’t repay it as agreed. and one or two later he will ask again as we don’t want to see our grandchildren go without ultimately we usually agree . We can afford it so it’s not leaving us short however I estimate that over the last two years he’s borrowed about £3000 from us and it’s probably only paid back about 200. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want it to damage our relationship but ultimately we cannot keep giving him money that he’s never going to be repaid. My husband is much more laid-back about it and things that if we’ve got it and we can help then we should but I just feel uncomfortable with it all.

Just start saying no?

There are other ways to help. E.g. offer to give budgeting advice if problem is poor budgeting, offer advice to review CV if low pay etc. Try to work out where things are going wrong.

I think it very much depends on whether he fritters away cash on expensive unnecessary things all the time, or if he’s living a simple life from pay check to pay check.
If the former, I’d be closing the doors to my bank, if the latter I’d be looking at how I could help them live a better life.

What is it that makes you feel uncomfortable? I’m with your husband here, if you know they are struggling and you openly admit you can afford it I honestly can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to help.

Are you sure he's not got himself a little addiction going off?

I’d be wary of where he’s spending it. Are you sure it’s going on family expenses and not gambling, alcohol etc?

Personally I’d just say no. He’s an adult & needs to stand on his own two feet. I’d be so embarrassed to ask my parents for money.

I absolutely agree with this

If he can't pay it back but is wearing brand new clothes and just booked a holiday that's one thing - if he's borrowing because he's struggling to feed his kids and is doing all he can to keep his outgoings down it's quite another

I’d probably write off so far, and initiate a conversation to say you’ve tied up your money, so can’t give him any more, but hopefully as you asking for the rest back, that’ll give him some head space.

Depends why he is short, do he and his wife work or are they gamblers/spenders etc
Why is he short before his bills are coming out? He should be staggering his bills so as soon as he's paid they're paid then just have to budget the rest - common sense. Is it unexpected bills or just mismanagement

You could buy more practical stuff like pay for the kids childcare/clubs/a food shop rather than cash

Can you have a chat with him, find out if he can't make ends meet. Is it because of COL or a gambling habit etc? Give him some budgeting advice, or a stern talking to and signpost professional help as appropriate.

If you want to help and are thinking most about the GC, offer to pay a kid related expense, monthly by direct debit to the provider (not to him) such as swimming lessons, after school club, their hobby fees etc up to around £100 a month since that's about what you're already providing

I would not wait until he asks again until you let him know.

Unless he is very careless with money I would possibly write off some or all of what you have lent him but sit him and his partner down and present him with the sum of £3000 and be very clear that it can’t continue and they shouldn’t ask.

The reason to include the partner is in case he is hiding any outgoings from her.

It depends on why your son is borrowing money. My BIL used to ask my FIL for money, and my SIL - he'd usually give some plausible reason but actually he had a gambling habit. No, they weren't particularly well-off but they'd have been better off if my BIL hadn't been squandering money on gambling, that they didn't really have to spare.

You need a conversation with your son and your DIL!! My BIL's partner had no idea he was borrowing money from my FIL and SIL! Yes, you want to help, can you help with budgeting but you aren't a bank and the money he promises to pay back never materialises.

Does his wife know you’re giving him money?

Your enabling your son. He sounds irresponsible. Stop giving him money it sounds like he doesn’t respect you unlikely this is for living expenses he has a wife they both should be sorting this out involving you sounds like he’s lying to his wife with emotional guilt thrown in because he has kids. In fact check what you lent him and ask for it back. If you want to help his kids then save into an account for them.

Do you have other children? Who could feel that this is unfair treatment?
And as others have said what is it being spent on?
You probably need a full discussion around money and budgets but that might be uncomfortable.

If he is not a high earner, why can’t you just help him out?

my parents have always helped me when I needed money, and now I am doing the same for my dd

What is their lifestyle like. Are they constantly wasting money on takeaways and things they don't really need, or are they trying to live within their means but just struggling with the cost of living? Are they both working as many hours as they should be? The answer to those questions would make a difference to how I would view it. Either way, you need to have a conversation with your son about how you respond to future requests. He's not borrowing from you, he's taking.
If they're genuinely hard up and doing their best in difficult circumstances, perhaps you coukd agree to take on a particular expense for the Grandchildren to help them out, instead of just being expected to give cash handouts.

If they’re both working full time and your daughter in law is aware and there are no drug or gambling issues and they’re both responsible I would be happy to help out.

Young people with young families and childcare bills are hit the hardest and making ends meet is likely impossible. You’ve likely paid your mortgage off? Have a decent income if so?

Young families have it really tough at the moment.

If you have the cash, he's working hard and saving etc and they need the money to survive just let it go and help him out.

If you are feeling the pinch and he sits on his backside gaming all day then that's different. Or he going in holiday and splashing money around then I would stop lending the money l. Just say you don't have it.

I

@Mistymagpie - are you planning to return to your thread and answer people’s questions? As it is, it’s difficult to advise.

What is the root cause? Is it underpaid, one income family, or is it a budget issue? Is there an underlying problem like drink/drug/gambling/shopping addiction (on his or wife’s part)?

My personal experience is that it’s hard not to lend money to a child in trouble. But as others say, what you may be doing is enabling rather than helping. And I think your boundaries are poor: if you choose to give, give. Nit you say “lend” in which case you set up when it’s coming back and you do t lend more until the first lot is repaid. It isn’t about what you can afford, in my view, but about what you are teaching your child.

I'm 31 several children from 3-16 married hubby works full time. We make sure bills are paid,no debts made. Only twice ever borrowed from my parents once last year to add to what we had for a car and a few years before that for a month's rent up front for a house. We paid it back from our wages over the following 3 months and went without our treats and days out. It wasn't hard. I would never dream of doing what your son is it's also part of trust and he breaks it every time by not attempting to payback and now he knows he's not really expected to. My brothers have also only ever borrowed similar things and same always pay back within the agreed time. I can't imagine just because my parents can afford it to have the attitude then I don't pay it back

I would say no but offer to do a food shop (either do it yourself or get a online delivery to their house if they live further away). I wouldn’t lend anymore money if hes not repaying. Ive only ever borrowed money three times off my parents when unexpected bill has come out and i can’t forward to do a food shop. They aruge with me and tell me to pay it back over a few months but I always repay it instantly on my next pay day.

He can ask, but it’s up to you whether you give it to him.

On threads like these, I like to post moneysavingexpert budget planner. It’s a sobering exercise to do, to work out your finances, where the money is going, income etc, but it’s worth it in the long run.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Give the op a chance. S/he only posted at 19.57pm last night, then probably watched The Traitors, went to bed afterwards, and hasn’t checked the responses yet.

Cost of living and two young children, with possible childcare to pay makes it really tough to make ends meet at the moment. If it isn’t being frittered away then I’m sure they would appreciate the help now at this period of life rather than inheritance much further down the line. If you can afford to help your children out I do not understand why you wouldn’t; as long as it’s not being spent on gambling etc obviously!