Son keeps borrowing money

[Mistymagpie]

Hi, I need to get some perspective on the situation with my son and his constant request to borrow money from me and his dad.

we are both 58 and our son is 31. He is married with two young children and I know that financially they have been struggling. For the last couple of years he is regularly asking to borrow money from us which we normally agree to however we’ve seen little in the way of repayment. for example he will ask us to lend him 2 to £300 to pay a bill with the promise of paying us the money back a couple of weeks later when he’s paid. We transfer the money but then it doesn’t get repaid. There was always a reason why he can’t repay it as agreed. and one or two later he will ask again as we don’t want to see our grandchildren go without ultimately we usually agree . We can afford it so it’s not leaving us short however I estimate that over the last two years he’s borrowed about £3000 from us and it’s probably only paid back about 200. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want it to damage our relationship but ultimately we cannot keep giving him money that he’s never going to be repaid. My husband is much more laid-back about it and things that if we’ve got it and we can help then we should but I just feel uncomfortable with it all.

He’s come to expect regular gifts of money whenever he wants and however much he wants (because if you are lending more without repayment you are tacitly accepting that they won’t be repaid) so tell him proactively before he asks again you can’t “loan” any more because it’s making your cash flow unpredictable or whatever the reason is.
I would offer to buy the children’s shoes and winter coats or whatever you can afford so you are helping them in a way they can rely on. If you have more spare cash than them you could buy ahead in the sales.

Maybe offer to take over one ore two bills and see if that makes a difference. It might be a legitimate need ATM while kids are young. Also avoid giving him cash just in case he is using it for vaping or gambling or whatever. Offer to help with creating a budget and offer to pay for a financial advisor to consult with him and wife. He may be over paying for various services like many folks.

If he's genuinely struggling then I wouldn't expect him to pay it back.
Only lend money that you can afford to lose. If you can afford to help him, why would you see him struggle? As long as his needs are genuine and he's not pissing it away on drinking or gambling etc I be happy to help out.
My parents are very comfortable in their retirement. I am on the bones of my arse every month. It's their perogative to keep their money and spend it on themselves but I wish they would offer to help me. I feel too embarrassed to ask for help. Its a different era for the younger generation.

“Hi son, know it’s uncomfortable to talk about money but we need to be honest that we won’t be in a position to lend you money going forward particularly since you haven’t been able to pay us back for the money we have lent over the last few years. It concerns us how frequently you are falling short, so want to check if Partner’s Name knows how much you have borrowed from us and if they are across the issue? A look at budget and your spending seems like a sensible next step and perhaps more openness on budgeting between you. We are always here for you but we need to be clear that financially we are not in a position to give any more without it being paid back. Let us know whether you can get more budget support, or if there any other issues you want to open up about in regard to spending and where the money is going.”

Say no. He isn’t paying it back and coming to rely on bank of mum and dad

That’s what stood out to me. Why not?

But they might not always be able to afford it and could be threatening their plans to retire.

Plus why should a grown man still be reliant on his parents?

Fine if the OP is wealthy and her DS is struggling to pay for essentials but otherwise, they could be enabling a spendthrift at the cost of their own financial security.

That’s not what the OP said, you’ve made all of that ‘maybe’ up!

This could be dh and his 40 year old ds. He has just told him NO. Still owes him a lot of money and has never paid anything back over 10 years. Acts like hes a teenager.
Luckily he lives on another continent and we will likely never see him again.

Op it would depend on how my DS was choosing to spend money. If they are just short then I’d want to help out if I could afford it. But as pp have suggested maybe offer to pay for something specific for the GC.

Requesting to borrow money that £3000 in he must now realise he doesn’t really intend to pay back is very disingenuous and no way to treat your parents.

If you want to treat it as a loan not a gift, as your DH seems to, then you need to keep a tally of what he owes and when he said he’d pay it back by. Then the next time he asks for a loan just mention the previous underpaid loan. That is, if you aren’t comfortable simply saying no.

He's not borrowing the money, you're giving it to him. He's just expecting you to plug the shortfall in his finances all the time.

If he’s genuinely struggling and you can afford it, why don’t you just give it to him? We have regularly given sums of money to our adult DC - sometimes for an unexpected bill, sometimes for an extra treat etc - and we’d far rather they have it now, when they need it, than inherit it further down the line when they don’t need it as much.

I totally agree.

My parents always helped us out when we were struggling. They said they'd much rather have the pleasure of seeing the money put to good use than leave it behind when they're gone. I am so appreciative that they did that and I will be doing the same for my kids.

There are plenty of reasons why a person maybe couldn't or shouldn't do this but the OP hasn't given a single reason for her stance.