Son keeps borrowing money

[Mistymagpie]

Hi, I need to get some perspective on the situation with my son and his constant request to borrow money from me and his dad.

we are both 58 and our son is 31. He is married with two young children and I know that financially they have been struggling. For the last couple of years he is regularly asking to borrow money from us which we normally agree to however we’ve seen little in the way of repayment. for example he will ask us to lend him 2 to £300 to pay a bill with the promise of paying us the money back a couple of weeks later when he’s paid. We transfer the money but then it doesn’t get repaid. There was always a reason why he can’t repay it as agreed. and one or two later he will ask again as we don’t want to see our grandchildren go without ultimately we usually agree . We can afford it so it’s not leaving us short however I estimate that over the last two years he’s borrowed about £3000 from us and it’s probably only paid back about 200. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want it to damage our relationship but ultimately we cannot keep giving him money that he’s never going to be repaid. My husband is much more laid-back about it and things that if we’ve got it and we can help then we should but I just feel uncomfortable with it all.

Perhaps be more proactive about it - DS you’re regularly asking to borrow money off us which you aren’t repaying, we don’t really want that to continue, however we know times are hard with cost of living and two small children. Please could we pay for the kids clubs/towards nursery fees/after school club/uniforms (delete as appropriate up to the amount you want to contribute) each month so that you’re struggling less with bills? I’m afraid we aren’t willing or able to loan any more money as we don’t want you to fall into further debt with us, it currently stands at about £2800. We will write this off if we follow the new system, or if you don’t want that we can set up a repayment schedule for you”

She posted on Thursday - today is Saturday…

A difficult one. If I genuinely know the money was helping will bills/food, I would have no objection to helping out. I give my DS/DIL £10,000 every year to help out as I know they are struggling to pay the increased mortgage/ food costs. They are extremely grateful and my DS does do a lot of DIY for me.

I don’t know why people are assuming the cost of living is the cause for the son and his partner to be struggling.

I would tell him and his wife there will be no more money coming in, ask why they’re struggling, and ask if there’s anything you can do to help, then take it from there.

I am not going to lie, I have been in some very hard financial situations and borrowed money from family many years ago. It was always as a last resort and I had to be so desperate to be humiliated to such an extent. I did not have an addiction, or even have a night out, nails done or anything else ppl deem as unnecessary. Just what came in was so much lower than what was required to go out on standard bills.
When you look at cutting back there's only so much you can do in reality if your frugal to start with. So at this point paying someone back is almost impossible in itself.
One family member did offer to set a budget with me, I found this beyond insulting. There was nothing else to cut back, thankfully times have moved on and I am glad that if my kids were In such a position I would not judge and wouldn't expect repayment if it was genuine hardship.
The kindness of acquaintances at that time humbled me, an old neighbour gave me £20, I will never forget that generosity, another gave me 3 dozen eggs and lent me his car.
Few ppl possibly have experienced being so low I guess, it was a combination of being between uni and first teaching job(summer)ex withholding maintenance, benefits not being paid in a timely fashion, I never want to be in that position again.

It depends on what he is spending it on. If it’s everyday bills & he’s just trying to manage it’s not the same as if he’s driving round in a fancy car on HP & going abroad on hols. My parents used to help us a bit when kids were little but we had a really old car, went camping & never went out for meals, never got take out etc…

If you feel they are being sensible & just struggling to meet bills then you could help in a more organised way - my parents used to do things like pay for a set of swimming lessons, school shoes at start of the year, winter coat. They wouldn’t have just kept on handing over £200-300.

I wouldn’t help if for example were regularly getting uber eats, driving a SUV, getting take out coffees all the time, taking kids on expensive days out & living a lifestyle beyond their means. Also do both parents work?

I feel sympathy for your ds. Early 30s, two young children, life is very hard for young families these days. I don’t know why some posters have jumped to the conclusion that he is drinking or gambling.
You have said that you can afford to help.

If you really don’t want to give money, could you offer to pay for something like new shoes, swimming lessons, winter coat, a big grocery shop, etc?

@converseandjeans i genuinely hadn’t read your post when I posted mine. How strange that I also suggested new shoes, swimming lessons and a winter coat..

I would absolutely keep helping my child as long as they weren’t gambling away the money or using it for drugs or alcohol.

ultimately we cannot keep giving him money that he’s never going to be repaid

Why? You said you can afford it.

Simple stop giving it to him

It's up to you, but if you keep handing over money, it's fairly obvious that you aren't going to get it back.

I'd ask him what he needs the money for, if it's col can they work extra, cut back, budget differently, get financial support. I'd also ask why he never pays it back. If they are genuinely struggling then his wife should know, I'd take them on a food shop, buy clothes for the kids but wouldn't be paying for anything non essential or luxury.

If you can afford it I would continue to help, but have a word that he needs to stop pretending he will pay it back. He needs to be upfront and ask for a cash gift.

I thought this as well, having had experience of this with a close family member x

I don't think your son's way of borrowing with no real attempt to pay back is sustainable long term. You say you don't want to upset the relationship but you are already concerned about this and it seems to me that if you keep saying nothing about it, you will gradually become resentful and suppressed feelings can often end up coming out in a huge row that could have been avoided if addressed sooner.
Our own daughter is a hard worker and has had her financial struggles over the years but we have always been clear about what is a gift and what is a loan and always set up payment plans for loans. For example when she needed a car for work we gave her £1500 and like and her £1500 which she paid back by direct debit every month. This didn't mean that she didn't get financial help while the loan was being paid off but this wasn't in cash.
Could this be a way forward for you? Set up a direct debit for the money owed. It needn't be much ...even £50 a month shows a commitment to pay you back and you can still help him out in really needed ways. We helped with school uniforms, monthly tuition when one child needed it, met her for food shops she chose, went half on work clothes for her ext so in reality she was still receiving more than what was being paid back but I always knew 2 things which were important to me
One: that she had taken seriously the knowledge that some help was a loan and she was keeping her side of the bargain.
Two: that when the money was a gift rather than a loan it was always going on things really needed to help move them forward. This could also include treats like cinema with the kids or a meal out but I felt in control of my own spending too and what I was willing to help with so I never felt any resentment or anxiety about the choices I was making...they were always mine and my husbands own choice.
Every family is different where money is concerned. Some don't help their families at all and these are hard days for young families.
I have rambled here but in short I would try to get a small amount set up to pay you back by direct debit but continue to help, if you can and want to) by some focused buying of necessary items rather than cash. 💐

Not clear here. We gave her £1500 and lent her £1500.

It is horrible but you have to say no. He doesn't manage his money because he doesn't have too, bank of mum and dad will pay the bills.
I had to do this with my Step daughter, every single month she would ask to borrow money for "milk & nappies" I told her to bulk buy them at the start of the month. last time she phoned to ask she had just had her nails done. I told her this was the last time and maybe she should cancel Sky, Disney+, netflix etc I also suggested that as she was at home all day that should could maybe cook instead of the constant takeaways the bought. I set up an amazon delivery every month for wipes and nappies.
If he is an only child you could look at it from the point of view that he would one day when you are gone he would have the money anyway but if he has siblings then they will get less than him. He is making fools out of you both.

The borrowing doesn't happen without the lending.

I'd say that if your intent is not to disrupt the relationship, then lending money to anyone against your better judgment or wishes isn't the answer.

If he was looking to borrow from an official source they would want to see some kind of workings, and schedule for repayment. They'd also charge him for the service.

I would be very straight and say that you want to help him, and to do that you're need to get a better idea of why he's in this financial position in order to help best. Does he need a one off lump sump to clear a debt? Is it overspending on life essentials, or habitual splurging that could be curtailed?

On this basis I would lend further, otherwise how do you know you're actually helping not enabling something? I'd want some transparency and honesty before continuing, it can't be a one way street, he's an adult.

The only way he will learn to manage his money is if you say no. £3k is a lot.

Wow. Can you adopt me? 😂

Same. My parents were always very generous to me and I’m the same with my sons

Do you have other children?

I borrowed money from my grandmother for funinshings when I moved into my first flat. It was quite a lot by the standards of the day. I told her in advance how much I would pay her each month out of my salary. The money was transferred to her bank the day after it was in mine. I made sure that I paid it before any other expenditure that month. It was treated like an essential bill along with my rent and utilities. I would have felt uncomfortable not being able to make the agreed payment.

I never again borrowed money from a relative. It gave a feeling of being obligated as though my salary was not mine to spend until I paid it back.

My inlaws were incredibly generous when we had small children and helped us out with big costs like boilers, car repairs and childcare costs. It was never a loan and we never asked but they had money and wanted to help us. Are the obviously struggling or do you feel they are just spendthrift and living beyond their means? If they are working hard and just trying make endseet then why don't you just gift them money to help out I you can afford it. Life if very expensive for families these days.