Funeral costs

[LML1989AL]

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer (told on Friday, so all very fresh/overwhelming) we are still waiting for treatment options/prognosis, he’s seeing a specialist nurse & consultant on Thursday.

I have a complex relationship with my dad, so discussing this with him at this moment in time isn’t something I can do. I’m not saying I won’t discuss it with him, just looking for some advice.

I can’t help but thinking of worst case scenario. If that does occur I know my dad has no savings, rents his home & receives UC/PIP.

I’m on maternity leave (so our savings are needed for bills)

My question is & I'm aware this comes across as insensitive but how will he have a funeral? I’ve been googling & it appears you only get help with paying with funeral costs if you (the person organising the funeral) receives benefits. Unless I’m interpreting this wrong.

He has no siblings. My grandmother (his mother) is alive but she is in the same financial situation. I’m his only child (he separated from my mother 30 years ago) So there is no one else who could pay for a funeral.

I feel awful writing this. It’s just been on my mind & causing me anxiety on top of worrying about his health.

I recently had to organise my son's funeral. I could have walked away and told the hospital I could not do anything as he did not have any money. I did use my
limited savings to pay for a basic funeral.
For the poster who said they would not pay for their parents funeral - would they pay for their adult child's funeral? You don't expect to bury your child.
The wake did not cost anything as we held it in a local bar and another family member just made some sandwiches.

If needed look into the funeral grant for your Grandma.

Also what is your dad's occupation? Some places have funds that help - there's a civil service benevolent fund if he ever worked for them, when my grandad died my Nana was given some help by the union he was in. Think about things like that as well.

This absolutely isn't your financial responsibility though. Do not get into debt for it

Has he got any possessions he could sell? Anything at all. Jewellery, antiques, clothes etc etc.

Thank you, I’m 99% sure my grandma has a funeral plan as her late husband (my grandad) did with CO-OP funeral. So I’m pretty confident she will also.

My Dad is a retired joiner, he was mainly self employed for the last 10 years of his working life, but became disabled & couldn’t work hence the UC/PIP.

I would have done the £3k version, she wouldn’t have had any expectations of anyone else. It’s really sad all round isn’t it, when people can’t even afford to die. I understand your circumstances 100% , I hope that he’s actually ok , for the short term at least.

I’m sorry for the loss of your son, from your comment I can see you also had a strained relationship.

I think I’ve just never realised how expensive funerals are.

Im on the fence on “who should pay for who’s funeral” given how expensive it is I wouldn’t want my children to pay & definitely not go in debt for it.

After being faced with this possible situation I’m going to put something in place for DH & I, not necessarily a pre-paid plan but something in writing regarding our wishes.

@Turnerskies I am so sorry

No, and if he did he’s probably already sold them.
When he stopped working & had to rely on benefits he struggled to adjust his spending habits (he’s always been terrible with money but being self employed in a trade meant he could always “get back on track”) so I know he sold his van &some old records just to get some extra cash.

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/information/grief/paying-for-a-funeral

This link might be helpful. It also has the number for Quaker Social Action who may be able to provide information etc around funeral costs/ help

Even if you don't think you'd be entitled to any benefits on an ongoing basis, it might still be worth talking to them about support for funeral costs. They'll know about everything available locally. And definitely worth getting benefits checks done for you Gran and Dad too. Every little helps at times like this, and that's what Citizens Advice are there for.

Make sure your Dad applies for higher rate PIP. I think if you have limited life expectancy you get prioritised and payments made quickly. This money needs to be put back towards his funeral costs. The cheapest funeral seems to be £1500. Maybe his Mum and you could go halves to pay for it. That's about £750.

Get a benefits check for your Dad. When my beloved MIL was dying she had money thrown at her from all sorts of places. More money than she’d ever had in her life and at a time when she couldn’t enjoy it. It added up and could go some way to paying for a funeral.

I did manage to get her some treatments for symptoms associated with her cancer and they were a luxury, made her feel better. So some of her extra money was spent wisely. The rest I think went on extra heating, aids, food to tempt etc

I am asuming your post referred to me. If not i apologise.

Yes of course i would pay for my own children. 100% without a second thought. It just doesnt sit right with me to ever think my children should ever have to pay for my funeral costs and in the same vein, i wouldnt have considered paying for my parents funerals.

It may sound harsh but tbh my parents had long since instilled this opinion into me and i knew that they had their funerals covered years in advance.

I would rather be given a paupers cremation than have my children pay towards my costs.

Agree with this - you are getting way too far ahead of yourself here.

nope, I disagree - with metastatic pancreatic cancer thinking about funerals is unfortunately very sensible.

Op, while I hope the diagnosis is not terminal, you are absolutely right to be thinking on this.

The last thing you should have to do is make a decision at the time of his death. Have been there with MIL, & the care home demanding the name of a funeral director at 3 am. It gives you no time to think.

I agree with PP that talking to Citizens Advice is a useful starting point. If he does get a terminal diagnosis, he possibly an claim attendance allowance, which could be saved towards the cost.

There is absolutely no need to have an attended funeral, unless that is something that you , yourself, want.

A wake / memorial tea in your own home, or his, is a nice idea if he has family & friends who you want to attend.

Do not put yourself into large debts for this. Funerals are about the living, not the dead.

Higher rate PIP will only be prioritised if the GP/specialist clearly says the condition is terminal. My DS died before his PIP claim was processed - it would have helped pay for his funeral!
The cheapest funeral costs vary in different parts of the country. The cheapest funeral we found, in the south east, was £3000. Where I live in London it is over £4000.

Tessasanderson - I would absolutely think it normal to pay for a funeral for the death of a child or young adult, who would be dependent on you. I am in my 70s and do not think it normal to pay for an independent man in his 50s - is that what you really think?

LML1989AL I didn't have a strained relationship with my son. What I meant was we did not have any unnecessary "Extras" for the funeral. We did not have a funeral car from the house, just met at the crematorium. We had a basic coffin.We did not have a recording of the service made or have a slide show. We had a simple spray of flowers, without roses. We provided simple food at the wake but people bought their own drinks.
A direct cremation would have been cheaper but I felt a proper service helped with the grieving process.
Funerals cost a lot and could easily have cost double what we spent.
Some people also create a Gofundme when finance is a problem.

You can do a direct cremation for about 1k which is probably the cheapest option available. It’s possible that your Dad has that amount in the bank. It costs extra to get ashes back and you could have a rememberance for family.

Are we reading the same thing @Turnerskies ? I agreed with you about paying for children & young adults. Sorry i dont understand what you think i think

The grant is about £900. It doesn’t cover it. If no family member has the means to pay (which the council will check) then they will take respnsibility.

Just googling I’ve seen direct cremations for less that £1000. You can have a wake at your (or mother’s) home and a self directed memorial.

I wouldn't get into debt for it and I wouldn't discuss funerals with him either, no need to upset him unnecessarily. If he mentions it just say 'Don't worry, we'll sort something out' without actually committing to anything. Funerals are for those left behind and if nobody can afford to pay then so be it. He could have made provision during his life but chose not to. Look into any financial help you can get and decide on what will happen accordingly. You'll be better off spending time with him now and caring for him so he feels loved - dying can be a lonely business but the rest of it.....don't stress yourself. Good luck 💐

Tessasanderson - Apologies but we seem to misunderstand each other.
You said "Yes of course i would pay for my own children. 100% without a second thought."
I paid for my son's funeral. He was in his 50s and I am in my 70s. Would you expect to pay for the funeral of your middle-aged child when you are elderly? I am not talking about someone with learning disabilities. I wasn't expecting to have to do that.