Funeral costs

[LML1989AL]

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer (told on Friday, so all very fresh/overwhelming) we are still waiting for treatment options/prognosis, he’s seeing a specialist nurse & consultant on Thursday.

I have a complex relationship with my dad, so discussing this with him at this moment in time isn’t something I can do. I’m not saying I won’t discuss it with him, just looking for some advice.

I can’t help but thinking of worst case scenario. If that does occur I know my dad has no savings, rents his home & receives UC/PIP.

I’m on maternity leave (so our savings are needed for bills)

My question is & I'm aware this comes across as insensitive but how will he have a funeral? I’ve been googling & it appears you only get help with paying with funeral costs if you (the person organising the funeral) receives benefits. Unless I’m interpreting this wrong.

He has no siblings. My grandmother (his mother) is alive but she is in the same financial situation. I’m his only child (he separated from my mother 30 years ago) So there is no one else who could pay for a funeral.

I feel awful writing this. It’s just been on my mind & causing me anxiety on top of worrying about his health.

Thank you I will do this if that’s the case.

My experience here is a decade ago when my Aunt died without any savings/cover. Her children were the same - however they were not entitled to help from Gov because one of my cousins was working. My pensioner Grandparents had to pay for it.

We have a young family, myself (when not on Mat leave) and my DH work full time, we live a high cost living area, childcare is expensive (even with 30 hours free term time) and we don’t qualify for any benefits. Taking on credit card debt would be irresponsible, interest free credit cards aren’t interest free forever.

But frighteningly this maybe what we have to do.

Yes it’ll fall on me to pay for.

I don’t have £1500 to spare.

I hadn’t even thought of covering the cost of a gathering/wake after a funeral. If I’m savy with my food budget I could put £20 a week in to a pot that could help pay for a buffet/drinks at my house.

A friend of mine died earlier this year. His son (who is on benefit) arranged an "unattended" cremation and I believe it still cost 3k. He is playing it off on a plan. There was a video which he emailed to all and a wreath on the coffin but no actual service to attend. It was all very nicely done but I thought it was still expensive considering no service.

OP, you don't necessarily have to do any of this. There is no need for a wake/gathering, and a low cost direct cremation or public health funeral is an option - neither of those is a bad thing at all.
But, as mentioned, it's really too soon to worry about any of this. It would be far more productive to apply for any benefits which might be applicable for both your father and grandmother (and yourself, as working families can often get tax credits).

OP has no money and her grandma has no money so how can they work it out? £3k is a lot of money to people that don't have any savings. A council funeral may be the only option. Even a direct cremation with no funeral service is about £1500.

If your grandma is 93, it is highly likely that she is on the lower pre-2016 state pension which would mean that she would be eligible for pension credit which opens the door to other benefits so she may be eligible to apply for a funeral grant.

There are a small number of charities who do help with funeral costs, your local funeral directors may have details. A quick google brings up these guys https://quakersocialaction.org.uk/we-can-help/helping-funerals/down-earth who provide support and info, although not necessarily funding

Sorry if I’m making you feel pressure, my mum died this year really fast after a cancer diagnosis. Her funeral cost so much but I can’t imagine not having given her a proper send off. I’m probably not coming from a very level viewpoint.

Did you have to pay for it on a credit card?
sorry about your mum.

I know people are trying to help by telling me it’s £1500, £3k etc, (I’m assuming that’s possibly not that big of deal to them) but all the savings we have are allocated for bills/essential whilst I’m Mat leave, returning to work earlier isn’t an option as baby would need to be in childcare full time but they won’t qualify for “30 hours free” as they are not over 9 months, so 80% of wage will pay the bill… so I’m no better off.

You know, if this were me and my DC’s and I hadn't (for whatever reason) made provision for my own funeral, I wouldn't want them to waste their own money or go into debt for me.

I'd know nothing!

No she actually paid for it herself! She transferred the money, planned it all. She only had 17days but it was the last thing she could decide. With the wake it was about £12K. But I would have got a credit card if she hadn’t been able to do so.

OP, I would really recommend a visit to your local Citizens Advice. They will be able to do a benefits check and make sure that you are receiving everything you are entitled to (families on low pay are sometimes entitled to benefits to help them make ends meet). They can do the same for your Gran and that could top up her income and make her life more comfortable. If either of you has entitlements that you were not aware of then that could open up access to financial support with a funeral (Citizens Advice will be able to advise on that too). Once your Dad has had his diagnosis and knows his prognosis get him along too to make sure he is accessing all his entitlements - that could help make his life more comfortable now and may also give him enough to start putting some money away towards a funeral plan. It sounds like you and your DP work hard to provide for your family, and you deserve everything you are entitled to from the benefits system.

Could he possibly have anything to sell that might help with funds?

My partner had no relationship with his Father. His new family made him homeless whilst he was dying. My partner organised a non attending cremation, which cost £1500. You can always have a gathering later on, without all the costs.

Something similar happened in my in law's family. The son of the deceased didn't want to pay for a funeral so he told the hospital to go ahead arranging a direct cremation, no funeral or memorial. Didn't cost him a penny.

@LML1989AL am so sorry to hear of your news, and the likely diagnosis. I think you are wise to be planning ahead, given what you have told us so far.

As I understand it you have a difficult relationship with your Dad, which probably makes this all the more difficult.

Whatever anyone says here only you know your individual circunstances, what you want to do versus what you feel obliged to do, and what you can afford.

But I did want to say this, you are not obliged to pay for a funeral. Nor should you or anyone else go into debt for a funeral. Funerals or acts of remembrance are for the living, and there are plenty of ways to celebrate your Dad's life without spending a fortune. Direct cremation is increasingly popular. And public health cremations on the increase due to the exorbitent costs of more mainstream funerals. Consider this and a Thanksgiving ceremony instead.

If it is helpful to think through options I have just set aside for a relative (from their own estate) for a funeral plan. For a basic 15 min crematorium ceremony it is a little over £5k. That includes a single hearse to take the coffin to the crem, a basic coffin, a flower arrangement and the ashes returned to be scattered where they want them. There will be a follow on celebration of their life at a later date.

Sorry @LML1989AL just read your update.

If I were your Dad I wouldn't want yout to use your savings for a funeral. I would be mortified if I thought my DD and my grandchild were missing out to cover the costs of my funeral. I won't be around to see it after all. This time with your LOs is so precious and you won't get it back. Hug them tight.

Thank you for this, I’ve always been a practical person, hence this very morbid topic I’ve asked for advice on. My relationship with him does complicate things, although I love him our relationship is strained.

I guess I was hoping there would be some kind of grant/fund to ensure people could have an attended funeral service.Obviously I would provide proof of his & our lack of available funds, but it seems this is only available to those who claim benefits (I don’t mean that nastily)

I’ve probably given the impression that DH & I are on the bread line, we are not, we can afford our mortgage, bills, outgoings etc, it’s just a tight year given I’m on Mat leave & I'm only receiving statutory mat pay, so our savings are needed due to the shortfall in my income I truly wouldn’t not be able to use them for a funeral.

The issue with my Dad is he tends to bury his head in the sand, I predict I’ll bring this subject up & he’ll become frustrated or withdrawn or be in denial, this way he doesn’t have to deal with it.

From previous experiences with my Dad he feels incredibly guilty anytime I’ve helped him out financially or had to step in help him out with life admin, but he doesn’t change his behaviour.

I sound awful talking about my Dad like that but it’s the truth. I love him but he’s a complicated human

Thank you. This is very kind.

However I think I may have given the impression we are on the bread line, we are not, we can afford our mortgage, utilities, cars, bills, out goings etc but this year is just tight as I’m only on Stat Mat pay (which is abysmal) so our savings are needed for the short fall in my income over the next 8 months & incase any unexpected costly issues arise (think broken boiler, car fails it’s MOT)

Going back to work early (which would break my heart) but I would do it if I had to makes no sense, my baby doesn’t qualify for “30 hours free” until September 2026 (the full term after they are 9 months) & realistically the waiting list for nurseries ear us are 6months +. Full time nursery in my area is around £400 a week.

Oh sorry I got mixed up I thought you meant you’d paid for it on a credit card.

Im glad your mum got the send off she wanted, but do really think your mum would want you to go into £12k of consumer debt for her?