How to stop comparing to wealthy family members?

[boganss]

DH and I are very average earners, in a pretty average 3 bed house, 2 young kids, a second hand car and another on finance.
Our holidays are usually staycations or euro camps.
Both DH’s bro and my bro are higher earners, with partners who are also high earners. We are really penny pinching at the moment to be able to fund a couple of unexpected problems, one is the 2nd hand car and the other a plumbing issue in the kitchen.
I find is soooo hard not to feel a pang of envy towards these family members. They drive round flasher cars, go away all the time, and in my opinion like to show us this and remind us of this when we see them. I know that makes me sound totally jealous but one of our family members is a total bragger and it grates on me.

I am so grateful for my lovely little family, and we have a great time whatever we do. But seeing BIL and SIL today just brought me down.

Anyone else have similar? How to feel happier with what we do have?

This reminds me of another recent thread a while back with almost similar circumstances except was NCT group and not families.

Are you happy? Is your partner happy? Are your kids happy? 3 bed house, jobs and healthy kids (I hope) is pretty good going. If you really feel terrible about it, retrain in something really lucrative.

Btw anyone who brags with money/possessions etc is deeply insecure imo. It's also crass.

I am so guilty of doing this - compare and despair. I do think that people who show off in front of others with less are absolute dickheads.

I think you can either call them out on it: “Dave I’m really happy for you that you are going on safari, but it’s quite hard to hear when we are struggling, as you know. Keep that in mind please!”

or if you are more immature you could portray yourself as absolutely loving your life and everything in it. “We are SO excited for Eurocamp, it’s an absolute blast. I am SO proud of DC for their school report this term. I am REALLY delighted that I’ve managed to get my 5km run down to sub 30 minutes.” Etc etc. Show off about the things you can show off about. It’s not edifying but might make you feel better.

But either way it is worth remembering that people usually show off from a place of insecurity and there will absolutely be areas of their lives they are unhappy about, they just don’t talk about them. It sounds cheesy but if you have your health, food on the table and a roof over your head, you are winning at life and have much to celebrate. It’s hard to be grateful just because someone says “be grateful”, but reminding yourself every day of what you’re happy about and grateful for is a fantastic habit to get into, for your own happiness.

Not family but some people we know. I try to ignore/brush it off. Equally, they may not be bragging as such but just mention the things, I can’t be sure.
My (hidden) feelings are such: well I didn’t do well in my life and didn’t marry well (financially). Tough shit. Then I wonder if (and how) I could improve the financial situation. Realise I can’t and count my blessings. End of story

I hear you. Only it's my adult children who don't seem to have same disposable income as their cousins. I cringe inside and die a little when I hear what my nephews and neices are up to compared to mine .
My children have good jobs but are married to minimum wage earners so the imbalance of salaries really tells. My neices and nephews don't have as good job/education as my children but they all seemed to marry money or higher earners . It just KILLS me .

Honestly you need to get out of this mindset or you will be thoroughly miserable and start to become envious
I am so grateful that I don’t dwell on what others have, I just try to appreciate what I have
Focus on your little family, be thankful for everything you have .
There are people who would love to be in your position

I do this all the time and then loathe myself for it. This week I met a friend for coffee who spent like their pockets were bottomless. Meanwhile, we live very small. I know happiness isn’t about money and it’s probably very much a question of perspective, remind myself how lucky I am to live in a country that is both peaceful and democratic, but right now I’m oddly fixated on people who have more. Following with interest!

I had this problem with my brother and SIL. Don't have contact with them anymore. Problem solved 😜

You sound like you have a great life, and the only issue is because of comparing yourself to them.

Money isn’t everything - you have a nice home, kids, holidays, car, happy relationship etc.

And - there will always be someone richer than you. So - even if you had the same as them, you’d be looking up to the next person annoyed you hadn’t done your long haul in business class, or that you don’t have an expansive holiday villa in Ibiza etc.

Quote recently a colleague of DH inherited some money after his nan died. It was ££££££ and he ultimately bought a new house. We got invited for the house warming party and it was mentioned during the conversation that he decided to keep 50K as saving/emergency pot and asked my DH if he thought it was enough. This made me feel uneasy but I got over it quickly enough

Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be someone in life better off, better looking, more fortunate than you.

Just as there are many people worse off. Live in the moment and enjoy the small things. You'll be far happier.

It sounds like you are doing great. Partner, house, jobs, healthy kids, cars. I always think gratitude for what you have is the best way of tackling these feelings..things could be significantly worse so be thankful for the way they are and speak positivity into your life and situation.

And laugh at those who feel the need to show off. I have much experience of relatives with status anxiety, not giving a flying f*ck is a great way of dealing with them. Zero acknowledgement for attention seeking behaviour.

I’ve got a couple of very rich friends. On paper they have it all - big fancy houses, extravagant holidays, multiple cars etc - but they are also both in very difficult marriages and jobs they hate.
I wouldn’t swap my much more modest 3 bed house, lovely husband and a job I like (most days) for that in a million years.
Try and keep it things in perspective- health and love is worth so much more than material goods.

i hear you. My sister married a seriously wealthy guy, and didn’t have children. They moved recently, bought outright from savings and spent more on their new place than DH and I have in our entire pension pot 🙄. we have two lovely children and I wouldn’t change that for the world, but we’ve definitely made choices for their benefit that mean we have less, materially. She’s not a bragger but she doesn’t have to be - it’s obvious how much money they’ve got and that the lifestyle they lead is way beyond ours. I’m determined not to let my jealousy spoil our otherwise good relationship, but it’s hard sometimes.

Dh was self employed for many years and there were periods where we were on the bones of our arses. Yet we are rich in other areas of our lives - very happy marriage and three wonderful children.

My brother is quite wealthy, we are NC now but Real estate, cars, skiing holidays etc were always the topic of concersation prior to NC, and sometimes that was hard to swallow. However, my brother is in a loveless marriage and given he is a dickhead I suspect he commits financial abuse on poor SIL but she is Catholic so won't divorce him.

My other two brothers are also well off, however are much more humble and have always been generous to me.

Thanks everyone. Good advice here.

My hidden feelings are: I went to uni and got a degree too, I just don’t have the confidence to push ahead and ended up in a job that I didn’t love so I didn’t want to progress and feel others have been luckier than me.
However I know these are thoughts and not the truth!

What I do have is a happy marriage and a beautiful little family, plus DH and I aren’t on low wages. We have a lovely house which we can afford and it’s decorated beautifully (IMO ☺️)

I think sometimes my braggy BIL does brag to get some validation, he does seem insecure and I think the more he does it, the more we dislike him, so the more he seeks our validation. If only he realised we’d like him for being a good person, but unfortunately I don’t think he knows how to be that, so in his mind the only option he has is to brag!

Also, I don’t know others probably have the same thing, but it’s irritating when parents/PIL talk insensitively about what the other sibling is up to. Like I don’t want them to keep secrets from me because that would be even more annoying, but you can say someone is going to the Caribbean in a much more neutral way instead of “they’re to to the Caribbean, how lovely is that and they must be so excited! Are you excited for them too?” Type thing!

I realised a few years ago that the people I admire and, in some ways am the most envious of, are the ones who are very comfortable in their own skin and largely at peace with their life. These people aren’t generally the richest or have the most high powered careers. Once I had this realisation, envy of other people’s lifestyles etc largely fell away.

Also, from the outside, I know I look like somebody who materially has a lot and I don’t generally have to worry about money. But there are some things in my life that are genuinely very hard, so I don’t think my close friends or family would ever see me as having it all. Remember that every one of us has the potential for life to go seriously tits up in ways that we often can’t anticipate.

“My hidden feelings are: I went to uni and got a degree too, I just don’t have the confidence to push ahead and ended up in a job that I didn’t love so I didn’t want to progress and feel others have been luckier than me.”

gently, they haven’t been “luckier”, they have made different decisions. It sounds like you have a great life despite this, but it had been your choice not to pursue a career you enjoy and maximise your earning potential. It’s not too late to change that if that’s what you want.

Don’t assume they don’t have problems theirs just won’t be money related.

Well, why can't you just be pleased for them? It sounds like they're just living their lives and talking about the things they are doing, places they are going, presumably the same as you do, it's just that you're jealous. Own it.

@HoorayHarry88exactly, the whole purpose of my post, I am saying exactly this!

Well you said "make me sound totally jealous", like you aren't. You obviously are. My point was, try to chance your mindset and be happy for them.

• change not chance

@HoorayHarry88
My point was, try to chance your mindset and be happy for them.’

^ this is a better way to post - thanks.