How to stop comparing to wealthy family members?

[boganss]

DH and I are very average earners, in a pretty average 3 bed house, 2 young kids, a second hand car and another on finance.
Our holidays are usually staycations or euro camps.
Both DH’s bro and my bro are higher earners, with partners who are also high earners. We are really penny pinching at the moment to be able to fund a couple of unexpected problems, one is the 2nd hand car and the other a plumbing issue in the kitchen.
I find is soooo hard not to feel a pang of envy towards these family members. They drive round flasher cars, go away all the time, and in my opinion like to show us this and remind us of this when we see them. I know that makes me sound totally jealous but one of our family members is a total bragger and it grates on me.

I am so grateful for my lovely little family, and we have a great time whatever we do. But seeing BIL and SIL today just brought me down.

Anyone else have similar? How to feel happier with what we do have?

So will this help you sleep better at night? Op.
I had a bit of sympathy for you when I read your first post now it is obvious to me that you are the one with the problem. You are jealous
Dissolving companies and not paying staff a few thousand pounds is hardly the crime of the century ffs.
Give your head a wobble and focus on your family .

If he’s going on a safari, and says he is going on a safari that’s surely not showing off?
He is just having a conversation.
Do you expect wealthy people to withhold this kind of information so less wealthy family members/friends don’t feel jealous?
What should they than say when someone asks about their holiday plans?
” Can’t say”
?

It’s all very well people parroting ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ but it doesn’t make one jot of difference to the horrible feelings when it seems everyone around you appears to have a lot of material comfort and lovely times - meals out, holidays etc that are not possible for you.

And yes, you can be perfectly aware that ‘loads of people are richer’ and that ‘rich people have problems too’ but again that’s cold comfort when other people can treat their kids and you can’t.

It’s help for the feelings op needs. Not sneering platitudes.

I struggle with this op. I think despite what pp are saying, many people do. And it has got worse since social media allows people to give some curated keyhole view of idyllic lives and homes.

These are my sanity touchstones -
Counting my blessings. Cliche I know, but every night before I go to sleep I thank God for the many things I am truly thankful for - things could always be a lot worse.

Ask myself - would I truly want that life? That dickhead as a husband? That suffocating need for the house to be sterile and tidy all the time? All that lawn to mow! Those spoiled whiny kids? All that hassle at airports and 10 hour flights?

Make the most of the life you can afford. A lovely chicken dinner after a nice walk on Sunday or a day out to the seaside. A real laugh with friends over a bottle of wine. Family board game night. Simple things that don’t cost a lot but still are hugely enriching.

Accept the jealous feelings and don’t compare your life to theirs. They’ve done well. Wish them well. They’re not living your life so concentrate on your own and filling it to the max with great things. ‘Plough your own furrow’ as my gran would say!

But either way it is worth remembering that people usually show off from a place of insecurity and there will absolutely be areas of their lives they are unhappy about, they just don’t talk about them.

Talking about your problems is even worse than talking about your safari! You'll totally get it in the neck for moaning - newsflash - rich people still have problems, they know they won't get any sympathy and often will get verbally attacked and outdone on the problem score if they mention anything - so don't be thinking we're only talking about the good things like the safari to boast because we're insecure (not sure how that works but for the sake of arguement), most of us will have tried the "being real" and it pisses people off more - you have money you can't have problems.
Best to say nothing about your life - ask all the questions about your family, sympathise and be interested and then make your excuses and leave.

My problem was the relatives who didn’t like us made next to no effort themselves. It’s just pure jealousy and they could have improved their lives with effort. They didn’t make much and, despite a degree education, preferred low paid work - part time. We have a different attitude.

I agree that not having money worries is wonderful. That doesn’t mean there are not other worries and you definitely don’t mention them! So it’s never an honest relationship. Money just means one less thing to worry about!

OP, when you are feeling envious or resentful of them for having so much, just stop and consider what you do have. I have a family member who is this very day off on their umpteenth holiday (and we’re not talking Spain here); they have a huge house and hot and cold running workmen; children all have massively high paying jobs - absolutely everything in their life is just perfect. The thing I most envy them, though, is that they married the right person and stayed married. The things I am thankful for - I have a house, a husband, lovely DC and DGC, enough to eat etc etc. You have only to turn on the news to see that everyone in the UK should count their lucky stars. As others have said, comparison is the thief of joy. Your glass needs to be half full rather than half empty - the only person you are upsetting otherwise is yourself.

My DSis (banker husband, two boys at Eton, inherited house in the Cotswolds) stresses because all her friends are wealthier than she and DBIL. She feels the need to keep up with them but finds it a struggle. I love my DSis and BIL but I don't move in the same circles, have a mortgage, public sector careers will never make us wealthy etc. It saddens me that her sons and mine might drift further apart as they grow into adulthood because of this disparity. We won't have any savings left after educating our children, we reach our OD limit every month, we stress about money. But... I live in a beautiful Tudor farmhouse, have wonderful boys receiving a brilliant education, have financial security via our pensions, go skiing every year etc. So I realise that voicing any kind of financial woes makes me sound really out of touch because compared to most people my life looks pretty gilded.
What I'm trying to illustrate is that there will always be someone both richer and poorer than you. Your financial position looks like wealth to others. Your well-off family/friends may feel like paupers alongside some of their friends and so on. Comparisons will always make you unhappy, so focus on those things that aren't financial- health, relationships and being a good member of your community. Everything else is irrelevant to your self worth or happiness.

I know someone like that. Her husband has a very successful business, drives expensive cars and take at least 4 luxury holidays a year. She loves telling people what things cost and is basically very materialistic. She brags about her 2 DS achievements and comfortable lifestyles. She rarely has a thing nice to say about anyone. In reality, her husband is a sex pest, DS1 has a problem with alcohol, and DS2 has anger issues and no friends. Money does bot but happiness.