How to stop comparing to wealthy family members?

[boganss]

DH and I are very average earners, in a pretty average 3 bed house, 2 young kids, a second hand car and another on finance.
Our holidays are usually staycations or euro camps.
Both DH’s bro and my bro are higher earners, with partners who are also high earners. We are really penny pinching at the moment to be able to fund a couple of unexpected problems, one is the 2nd hand car and the other a plumbing issue in the kitchen.
I find is soooo hard not to feel a pang of envy towards these family members. They drive round flasher cars, go away all the time, and in my opinion like to show us this and remind us of this when we see them. I know that makes me sound totally jealous but one of our family members is a total bragger and it grates on me.

I am so grateful for my lovely little family, and we have a great time whatever we do. But seeing BIL and SIL today just brought me down.

Anyone else have similar? How to feel happier with what we do have?

I am what would be classed as a high earner. I’ve been lucky enough to travel abroad a few times this year, and am financially comfortable. I really can’t complain on that front.
On the flip side, I’m single, live alone paying extortionate London rent and if I could wish for anything it would be for someone who loves me as much as my brother in law adores my sister, and for kids as gorgeous, happy and healthy as my nieces. So I have your envy in reverse - a few nice holidays doesn’t always mean the grass is greener.
Envy is a totally natural human emotion so let yourself feel it, but there are probably people out there who are totally jealous of you too!

Honestly I couldn’t give a toss 🤣🤣 my bro earns 300k a year and I am so proud of him and happy for him. I would say all of my family earn well and are doing well for themselves. I work part time earn 20k per year and am a single mom with 2 kids. My life is happy and busy and yes I would love to have lots of money but I don’t and that’s that. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say.

Comparing yourself to others is a route to misery. There will always be people, richer, happier, taller, thinner, etc, etc than yourself. Don’t measure your happiness by other people’s standards.

Also be careful about reading into others behaviour that they’re bragging, I mean people are entitled to tell others where they’ve been on holiday, etc. May sound like bragging to you, but not to them.

My dh's brother and wife are very wealthy. They don't make a big deal about it and they are lovely people. But my dh is never happy with his lot as he keeps comparing our life with theirs. It's incredibly frustrating.

Are you sure they’re bragging rather than just discussing what they’re up to? Between family would seem about the only place I’d think it fine to be able to really discuss exciting trips etc. If not with family then with who?

I do get envious when I go out with wealthier friends who seem to spend without even having to think about it. I've realised I'm envious of them not having to stress about money every day, rather than coveting expensive cars or clothes. Still not a nice character trait but one I find hard to prevent when worrying about money takes up so much of my headspace day to day.

I don’t entirely know how people hide what they do. We used to drive to relatives in our car. We took them out in said car! They didn’t have one. We might tell them an anecdote from a holiday but that’s it. We invite them to stay. Yes, our house is bigger. We’ve stayed where we grew up and DH ran a business. Yes, he was confident! They’ve worked and complained about work but they live where they like. Are they jeolous? Probably.

They hate southerners so we don’t see them now. They are ultimate northern parochial under achievers with degrees. Their decision. Nothing in common at all so no point pretending. So if you don’t like what people have, and cannot see past it, there’s always the nuclear option! It’s saving me lots of money (they didn’t say thanks for presents) and energy. And driving. My DCs don’t have any communication with them either for very good reason.

I used to be married to a high earner and owned a summer place in Tuscany. I divorced him. I am now remarried and considerably poorer than every other member of my family and friends. Do I care…NO! If I did I’d be miserable.

I’m in the same position. Some of my partners siblings are high earners, ones a consultant another a dentist etc. But I grew up without a pot to piss in. I literally had all my sisters hand me downs, didn’t get Xmas gifts, no school trips, it was bleak. My partner is a teacher on 45k and I’m a SAHM, we have 3 children living at home and we aren’t flush at all. But we have way more than I had growing up and I’m so grateful for that. It’s all about perspective. We are all healthy and I’m beyond grateful for that. It’s all I need. Materialistic things don’t matter in the grand scheme at all.

For me, it was the “show us your kitchen” thread that put it all in perspective.
So many marvellous magazine worthy kitchens, no doubt costing loadsa money, the like of which I do not have to spend on my kitchen.
I thoroughly enjoyed seeing them, and all the gadgets.

I decided not to show mine, as it is unfashionable and not really a Mumsnet sort of thing… but I love my quirky kitchen, with its old but sturdy wooden units, those dated random pattern tile splashbacks, old table, salvaged church pew and scuffed wooden floor. Even my Le Creuset pans on display were second hand.
I know I will never have a new posh kitchen, but paint and varnish are cheap and it is full of colour, my family and friends, and a nice place to be.

l don't have a lot of money but have enough for what l really need.

Scratch below the surface of some of these well.off people and you may find just how unhappy they are. Not everybody of course.

They think by accumulating more expensive stuff and posh holidays. It makes them feel better.
happier and more superior than other people. And that hey enjoy life more than the poor.

As in

Oh, the good life
Full of fun, seems to be the ideal
Mmm, the good life
Lets you hide all the sadness you feel

Life is quite short really and our time is very precious.

Your real life seems very fulfilling to me.
Enjoy it with your lovely family while you are still here.

🌠😻👍

Xxx

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’

I can’t remember who said this, I think an old American President but it’s very true and good to make it your mantra!

I don’t go on holidays to be superior! I go because I can and want to explore the world. I’m very happy too. This idea that better off people are not happy is ludicrous. I’ve never ever had to worry about money during my marriage. As a child we had next to nothing. No heating, outdoor loo, no bathroom etc. I know what being unhappy and poor looks and feels like. Now I’m very happy to have a lot more. Yes, I like decent cars too! They make me happy as well.

However nearly everyone we know isn’t well off and they are happy too. You need enough money to be happy but utter poverty is the thief of your life. You cannot actually live it.

Okay so here’s a turn out for the books.
Being the little Sherlock thatI am, I thought I’d look up BILs company on Companies house. This led me down a rabbit hole, he seems to create a new company every couple of years and dissolve the old one.
So it then, for some reason.. occurred to me to look at employment court tribunal results and search via previous company names, well well well, he’s only been sued twice, both by women, (now I know my intuition is right, have never liked him!), for unpaid wages, he was ordered to pay the first 2.5k and the second 4K, what a crook, and those poor women!
So if that’s not dodgy I don’t know what is.

Anyway. I just wanted to share this because I wanted people to know that although some rich people are doing it fairly and legally some are just dodgy and that is not something to be envious of!

I can almost guarantee that both of them are up to their eyeballs in debt.

So now you can happily feel superior 🙄

Jealousy is not an attractive look OP.

Wealth is relative… it bring you freedom but not necessarily happiness

I value health over cars houses etc etc… it’s depends on your values

@Hitchens Why are high earners in debt? We never were except for mortgage. Everything else paid for up front. DH didn’t even have business loans. The better off can have better things. I don’t believe they really show off either. It’s perception. It’s the less well off looking for faults. The op has and found one. She’s now superior. Not sure why anyone gets into this tit for tat.

Flashy cars seem such a dick way to spend money, IMO.
And there is nothing admirable about being ostentatious.
Anyone who is happy, has put a roof over their kids heads in a 3 bed house and runs 2 cars is doing well.
How do you think people living on a lot less than you do view your life?
Look forwards, not sideways.

If it helps, when I was in a very unhappy marriage but with a decent amount of money, I was very jealous of my friends who had considerably less money but a loving marriage. Now I'm divorced and in a loving relationship myself, I am so much happier. Money does not bring happiness if other areas are lacking.

We are in the brothers situation, we had in the past casually talked about our lives - might have mentioned a holiday we were going on and we were told we were being completely insensitive, we were told our kids doing well was so easy for them (our kids went to state school and had to work hard like everyone else). We don’t talk about anything we do, haven’t down for nearly a decade. We don’t tell them what grades our kids get, when they get a job promotion, we don’t talk about our holidays either or new cars we buy. We are very guarded on what we say (it feels weird not to share our kids achievements but we all understand why) - dh’s family now find out these kind of things out months after they happen and by accident.
We share no info with them and they continue to talk about their holidays and celebrate their kid’s new jobs etc and we show lots of interest with their kids, congrats etc, I hope this has made dh’s sisters happier but being very guarded on what you can and can’t talk about over the years has impacted our relationship - I find it difficult to spend time with them - I feel quite stressed about letting anything slip - we had to tell them about me going to a semi prestigious event which meant dh couldnt meet an unexpected family obligation - the shit I got was really horrible - we really should not have named the event - but we just weren’t thinking.

@Recoverypro We gave up on this. We cannot spend our lives pretending to be different people. DH was never going to do that for decades!

It did mean we had nothing to talk about as politics differs (never talked about that!) and way of life is too divergent. It’s all too stressful. The main issue is they hate southerners and being political left, (Militant) think everyone owes them because they are all rich in the south. They have now gone silent on all forms of communication and my DDs have been removed from their social media so no contact with their cousins. This happened after these cousins (and their parents) didn’t go to my DMs (their grans) 100 th birthday celebration. My DDs were utterly disgusted about this. They came to her funeral and then asked to see the will.

We have no idea what they are doing now and it’s a relief not to tip toe around them. We just get on with our lives. They live their lives and we live ours. Relief all round!

We still have Mil to look after, so while there is that we’ll put our differences aside. Agree there is nothing to talk about - our politics are more left and theirs is more Reform 😁 - we get annoying political WhatsApp jokes that aren’t funny - we ignore. We even got attacked for having a long happy marriage! After we’ve spoken about their kids, mil, their holidays and jobs we’re out of topics - we don’t talk about our kids or our lives.
I felt we used to get on quite well but they had been quietly seething for years. After the explosion - when they ripped us apart for everything we said or did, and our subsequent shut down on most topics, we were so shocked we didn’t even defend ourselves - both of us were just dumb founded. Spending time with them has became more uncomfortable. Of course now they complain that the family aren’t close anymore and blame dh for not leading on this being the man of the family now fil has passed. If someone shits on your head - you don’t forget, we will never trust them with our affections again, they may think we moved on and improved our attitude but we haven’t moved on - a wall went up and we stay behind it, they won’t hurt us again.

We are not poor but we went on Eurocamp holidays every year as the kids loved them and they have great memories of the fun there. I didn't realise that was a sign of poverty!!!
Some people might be envious of that. It's all relative. I am retired now and my friends are off to Cuba/ Mexico etc mostly on inherited money but l couldn't care less. A few of them have houses abroad but I don't even give it a second thought.
Just be content...its a great way to live.

@Recoverypro I think too much time can be spent on hopeless family associations. The final rift occurred over DM and their absence through her illness, a major birthday then subsequent death. No return from that and no help offered at any stage to help DM when she was trying to cope at home. Managed to arrive quickly enough to take what they wanted from the estate though.

So enough is enough. I got the distinct impression that, as we had more money, DM was all down to me. I said this wasn’t fair and DM wanted to see all her DC, but communication then stopped. So no love or affection at all. Just see MiL and leave it at that. She will be pleased to see you.

We have 1 set of Reform friends. Difficult to cope with them! I also cannot cope with people blaming successful people for their woes either. My family went to university. I didn’t. I don’t believe life wasn’t fair to them. They just didn’t want to work and I did. Apparently it’s due to living in the south that gives advantages! There’s no point in having much to do with people who are blaming everyone else all the time. It’s a relief to have a forced separation!