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Original poster

Son not paying us back

83 replies

Ciderida · 17/07/2025 20:52

Hi,

about 6 months ago my dh helped our son out by taking out a 0% finance deal to get him and his gf a few new appliances for their home, they couldn’t get the 0% themselves and they needed the goods. It works out to about £78 a month for 2 years and it was agreed that they would transfer the money in to our account each month- we never agreed to pay.

I admit that we should have taken more notice but we’ve realised that they haven’t paid anything back yet. I’ve addressed this and he’s apologised and said they were just disorganised, and forgot. DH has gone mad and has said he “considers it theft” which I feel is disproportionate- we could actually very easily afford to just pay it but I accept that wasn’t the deal.

is my DH being OTT?

OP posts:
Wayk · 18/07/2025 07:37

Personally I could not see my son struggling with a new baby. I would not take the money back.

BunnyLake · 18/07/2025 07:54

I don’t really understand why you couldn’t have gifted some or all of it as a housewarming present if you could afford it. They are obviously struggling so reduce the monthly payments for a longer amount of time. If I could afford it I’d help my son setting up his first home, especially seeing as there’s a baby.

BunnyLake · 18/07/2025 07:55

Wayk · 18/07/2025 07:37

Personally I could not see my son struggling with a new baby. I would not take the money back.

Yes, some families are weird.

BunnyLake · 18/07/2025 07:57

BruFord · 17/07/2025 21:49

It sounds like you’ve got it sorted now @Ciderida. Even if it wasn’t malicious, it’s important for your DS and his partner to realize that they can’t burden their parents with their debt. If they were having trouble finding the money every month, the right thing to do was be honest with your DH and work something out.

If they’re old enough to have a child together, they’re old enough to manage their finances.

Burden? They didn’t even notice and OP said they could afford it.

Benefitbettyquestion · 18/07/2025 07:58

Deciding to help your children pay for new things is fine if you can afford it. And perhaps the OP has done so. But that wasn't the set up for this arrangement and I wouldn't particularly want to waive the payment when the son has behaved so poorly.

Blueberrycake12 · 18/07/2025 08:03

I don't believe in lending to family - too dangerous. I would only give if i could.

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 18/07/2025 08:05

How old is DS?

Is DH his father or stepfather? I know this shouldn't matter but sometimes it does. Is he annoyed because he has done this before?

£1872 - is this a lot of money to you? If they have just had a new baby, could you gift them it or part of it and reduce the monthly payments

JustAnInchident · 18/07/2025 08:07

Wayk · 18/07/2025 07:37

Personally I could not see my son struggling with a new baby. I would not take the money back.

I’m glad my in laws feel the same way as you do, when DH and I have been struggling in the past, they helped us without even being asked. If you didn’t even notice the money not being there for six months op, surely you can well afford to either reduce monthly payments or put it over a longer timeframe, or indeed waive it altogether. In your position, I’d want to do the latter. It’s not frivolous spending, it’s household appliances and they’ve a young family.

BlessedMa · 18/07/2025 08:53

What’s your own financial situation like? If you didn’t even notice the money coming out are you already pretty well off and sitting watching your DS and his family struggling?

I’d be having a chat to my son and seeing how they are and if we can help.

StitchHappens · 18/07/2025 10:30

To me that seems like a lot of money on appliances.. what did they buy?? Was it needed at that particular point in time, or could it have waited and been spread out over time but they wanted to get everything now?

sashagabadon · 18/07/2025 15:50

I’d just consider it my help towards my son and his new family. I wouldn’t ask for it back

beAsensible1 · 18/07/2025 15:52

He is correct they should’ve set up and standing order it can be done in any banking app.

it’s cheeky and they knew they weren’t doing it. they need to send a picture confirmation of the standing order by end of the day.

they weren’t disorganised when they asked you to take out a loan for them were they?

beAsensible1 · 18/07/2025 15:55

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 17/07/2025 21:30

If they have just had a baby £78 a month is a lot.

Show quote history

Then they shouldn’t have taken out the loan and managed with the older appliances a bit longer.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 18/07/2025 16:04

They didn't forget.
Every time they use those appliances they got a reminder they hadn't paid for them, so there is no way they forgot for months on end, with neither one ever recalling they were supposed to pay for the items.

I'd guess that what really happened was they thought you'd forget about it so they didn't bring it up in the hope you'd just pay them off, and they could keep the money they should have paid you back.

If they were actually essentials I'd personally have just bought them for my own son and DIL, especially if they have a new baby, but they didn't ask to be gifted the items, they asked to be helped to get them on an interest free payment plan. Your husband is right to be angry, although he sounds a little angrier than I'd expect.

If they were not offered the 0% deals themselves, it doesn't sound like their finances are well managed in the first place though, which should have been a bit of a red flag that they were overextended at the time.

Roosch · 18/07/2025 16:05

Ciderida · 17/07/2025 20:52

Hi,

about 6 months ago my dh helped our son out by taking out a 0% finance deal to get him and his gf a few new appliances for their home, they couldn’t get the 0% themselves and they needed the goods. It works out to about £78 a month for 2 years and it was agreed that they would transfer the money in to our account each month- we never agreed to pay.

I admit that we should have taken more notice but we’ve realised that they haven’t paid anything back yet. I’ve addressed this and he’s apologised and said they were just disorganised, and forgot. DH has gone mad and has said he “considers it theft” which I feel is disproportionate- we could actually very easily afford to just pay it but I accept that wasn’t the deal.

is my DH being OTT?

YABU.

You can easily afford it. Your son has a new baby and not much money. Why on earth wouldn’t you just consider it a gift?!

How could you be so stingy and callous with your own child.

Coconutter24 · 18/07/2025 16:17

Ciderida · 17/07/2025 21:03

I get everyone’s point but I don’t think he did it maliciously. I think they are struggling a bit financially- new baby and maternity etc

Even if that is the case he should have had the decency and respect to ask you and your DH if he can start repaying it in a few months time once they are organised.

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 18/07/2025 16:28

Roosch · 18/07/2025 16:05

YABU.

You can easily afford it. Your son has a new baby and not much money. Why on earth wouldn’t you just consider it a gift?!

How could you be so stingy and callous with your own child.

Show quote history

Nonsense. If they are old enough to start a family, they are old enough to take responsibility for their own finances.

Maddy70 · 18/07/2025 16:39

So he starts paying you now

suburburban · 18/07/2025 16:44

Yanbu

he should attempt to pay you back. That was what he agreed to

do you think because you are well off he thinks you didn’t really mean it

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 18/07/2025 16:50

sashagabadon · 18/07/2025 15:50

I’d just consider it my help towards my son and his new family. I wouldn’t ask for it back

Same here. It’s less than £700 and it looks like OP could afford it, seeing that they didn’t notice it for six months. Maybe son was hoping that they’d let it go. I know I would.

StitchHappens · 18/07/2025 17:10

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 18/07/2025 16:50

Same here. It’s less than £700 and it looks like OP could afford it, seeing that they didn’t notice it for six months. Maybe son was hoping that they’d let it go. I know I would.

Show quote history

It's £78 month for 2 years, so more like £1900.
I think it's the fact that there's been no discussion about it that's the issue. The son has asked them to buy it to get the 0% finance, which they did. If they couldn't afford the repayments that should have been part of the initial talk. To say they were going to pay it back, and agree a payment plan and not follow it through is unfair. Whether they can afford it or not.

simsbustinoutmimi · 18/07/2025 17:14

Not theft. He’d get nowhere in court

but he shouldn’t have taken out finance for someone else. The council could help with white goods if your son couldn’t afford him

Nothing you can do

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 18/07/2025 17:38

beAsensible1 · 18/07/2025 15:55

Then they shouldn’t have taken out the loan and managed with the older appliances a bit longer.

Show quote history

It depends what the appliances were but anyway, if they are careful with money and don't waste it, why would any parent want to see their child suffer if they can afford not to?

If they are profligate, then of course they should not be helped.

BruFord · 18/07/2025 17:57

Re. Gifting the appliances. I could see myself doing that, but what we don’t know is how much the OP and her DH have already helped them out. Perhaps they’ve already given them substantial financial help.

crazeekat · 18/07/2025 18:01

He’s taken the piss out of you. He knows ur a soft touch and was hoping u would t ask for it. No one just forgets money they are due. The fact he can’t get credit shows he’s done it before and defaulted. He knows exactly what he has done and would have kept on ‘forgetting’ till u noticed. And his girlfriend is not to be trusted either the fact that she ‘forgot’ too, unless ur son lied and said to her it doesn’t need repaid back.

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