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Living frugally: denying yourself pleasures but not getting depressed

75 replies

stillsleeptraining · 05/07/2025 12:04

Any ideas for reframing / having mantras for when I deny myself a coffee out / don’t buy treats / whatever it is at that minute?

We’ve made some poor choices in the last few years, had some bad luck and so while our friends are going on extravagant holidays constantly, upgrading cars, buying second and third homes and sending their kids to private school, we’re downsizing, shopping at Aldi, occasional trips to friends/family houses as a holiday and watching literally every penny. We’ll be fine if we can keep at it for c. 5 years but that’s a long time to be staying upbeat on the outside for the kids whilst feeling utterly despondent that I can’t even buy a flipping coffee.

I would like to reframe - something so I feel like I’m doing something really positive whenever I make that choice that I can feel good about myself instead of just shit.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Avidreader12 · 05/07/2025 12:17

It doesn’t sound like you are comparing yourself to friends but anyone who can afford expensive holidays, second homes and private school are normally in a income bracket most average people will not achieve. You sound sensible to not overspend have a treat budget then you are not completely denying yourself any pleasures. Why would you think it’s shit to give your family financial security a lot of people with outside trappings of holidays, cars better houses etc etc fund it/ live on terrifying levels of debt.

iamnotalemon · 05/07/2025 12:46

It’s tough if you have friends with different finances. Can you not work some little treats into your budget? Like buying a coffee or other small things. It will help keep you sane. I used to get a real kick out of hunting for bargains and freebies and loved moneysavingexpert.

Alstromeria · 05/07/2025 13:00

IME this is all about mindset.

If you can't afford it today, you can't afford it tomorrow with interest. You logically know this, so you know you're doing yourself a favour to stick to it and not run up debt.

Understand that sometimes others don't feel the same. Some people are irresponsible. Some even have the mindset that they'll die before their debt is paid off ie it is their intention to never pay it off. When looking at what others have, remind yourself that a lot of them haven't paid for it.

If disaster falls, an unexpected large bill or redundancy for example, it's those without debts who will cope best (leaving aside the issue of the stinking rich who can throw money at any situation that arises in life).

Practice gratitude and you'll find a greater degree of contentment. Eg, you and your friend both need a table. Your friend goes to the shop and buys one she likes even though it's not the cheapest. You can't even afford the cheapest one in the shop or any shop. So you look in the charity shop, or second hand sale, or you find one abandoned by the side of the road. Maybe it needs a little fixing up, is a little wonky or needs a lick of paint. You can at least clean it, with whatever cleaning agents you already own. You needed a table and now you've got a table. It might not be perfect but your life is improved for having it. No use looking at what you can't have, look at what you do have and be glad.

Get used to bringing your own food and drinks with you. Don't treat yourself to a coffee every month, save the money up and treat yourself to a cute picnic bag, so you don't feel like a tramp carting your lunch around in a battered carrier bag. You can smile at its cuteness as you pack it in the morning, knowing you're going to be able to fuel yourself throughout the day and not having to go hungry or thirsty. Instead of sighing at its tattiness and feeling "less than", if you're packing a battered carrier bag.

It's priority. Alter your perception of who you are. You're not someone who buys shop made sandwiches. You're someone who is organised enough to make your own, with healthy ingredients to nurture your body, it may have come out of necessity but is actually a good thing. The only thing you're denying yourself is junk that's full of preservatives.

You maybe don't go out much but maybe you could go out more if you wanted to, it would mean eg rehoming your dog though. So you're choosing to stay home instead, because your dog means everything to you. Sunny days are free and you enjoy your dog walks and the people you meet during them. It's a lifestyle choice, are you eg a weekend drinker or a dog owner, what means more to you?

Things like that. We all have our income, from whatever source and whatever the amount. We are in charge of our own priorities and what we choose to spend it on. You can have (a version of) most things. The question is, are you prepared to give up whatever it is you'd need to give up in order to afford it? Don't think of it as denying yourself, think of it as choosing differently.

You might not have many clothes but if chosen carefully, wherever they come from, you can ensure you love every one of those items and enjoy wearing them. Focus on that, not on all the things you'd like but can't afford. Step away from society's expectations of a constant stream of new new new. Whether it's clothes, décor, cars, hobbies etc. Look to what makes you happy and prioritize that.

If you're achieving a home that's clean and relatively tidy, if you're warm enough and not constantly hungry, if you're clean and tidy in your personal style, if you obey laws, love your children and have people with decent morals as friends, then you're a success. The rest is just details, optional extras. Don't spend on the details whilst ignoring the foundations. Even if all you have is the foundations, your life will be solid. Details only bring fleeting happiness.

This altered lifestyle and mindset probably needs different friends. If you don't fit with who you're surrounded by then of course you'll feel not great. I don't mean closing off old friendships completely, although in some cases it'll naturally occur where the friendship was based purely on convenience. A true friend will still like you no matter your financial situation, but realistically you're going to see them less, because your lives are heading in different directions and you're on a different path. It's natural. There's others on your path though, connect with them. Going to the park with the children won't feel so bad if the other family can't afford the ice cream van either. You can still have a good time without ice cream.

Caspianberg · 05/07/2025 13:01

Environmental and better own options

i buy nice tea for at home. Then it’s nice but far cheaper when I take a tea from home to the park with child. Disposable coffee cups are just a waste and also I find not as convenient as I have to hold not put decent lid on and into rucksack side pocket u til
needed
Buy yourself a nice thermos cup

Make cookies at home for kids out. You can make batch, roll into balls and freeze whole batch on silicone tray. When frozen into food bag. Then it’s fast 10 mins back from frozen on the day you decide to take them out.

Most home options are healthier also.

stayathomer · 05/07/2025 13:14

The things that you list are things even the people going on expensive holidays are doing!! I’d say remember the free stuff, the library, the walks, the beach, the pampery shower, meeting friends. And don’t deny your self all treats but do figure out what your must have for mh are and what are simply habit buying

Avidreader12 · 05/07/2025 13:15

It’s about choices when I had kids I forgot about nice clothes shops as I was so busy with their activities inc those that cost nothing parks, walks, library, museums etc now years later I occasionally look for new clothes but by cherishing what I have in my wardrobe, using the do I really need it want it mantra I don’t overspend. Some of my clothes are old but as poster earlier mentioned cherish what you have. At work so many women were buying on Temu or Shein cheap fashion for new sake. I’m more of a love what you have not want what you don’t or can’t afford. Cost of living has meant a lot of people shop smarter there is no shame in shopping at lower brand supermarkets aldi compared with M&S for example but if you do want a fresh loaf at M&S occasional buying this makes it a treat. I guess balance is the best way to live don’t completely deny everything.

77Fee · 05/07/2025 14:10

Waitrose still have their free coffee offer , if you've got one nearby. You don't have to buy the ££ stuff but waitrose own brand is decent enough and higher welfare meats etc. just need a waitrose card.

showyourquality · 05/07/2025 14:28

I agree that it’s a mindset change, there are quite a few living frugally and debt reduction SM people. Maybe see if any of those click with you. They would help you have a community around you that is behaving the same way as you which might help.
Thrifting, making treats at home, traveling cheaply all have massive followings that you could engage with if you wanted to. You need to find a new tribe for your current circumstances.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 06/07/2025 14:49

Maybe not quite the same but over the last year, before I buy anything at all I calculate exactly how long I have to work to afford whatever it is I'm about to buy. It’s amazing how quickly it puts you off buying stuff that isn't necessary. Its completely stopped my daily takeaway coffee!

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 06/07/2025 15:02

I think you are comparing yourself to some very wealthy (or showy?) people! That may be part of the problem. Beyond that - immediately after payday I’d allocate a small amount of money for treats. Maybe that’s £10 or £100 or £200 - I don’t know your budget. Spend that amount on a coffee and a magazine, or ice creams to take to the park, or chips from the chippy, or a small toy that the kids are eyeing up or whatever else. There are absolutely people who can’t afford even that, but those don’t appear to be your circumstances.

JillMW · 06/07/2025 15:05

Become proud of being frugal! It helped me. I take a flask of coffee when I go out and instead of a coffee shop I sit in a lovely park, on a bench in the high street or on the sea front and watch the world go by.
IfI see a fancy type of cake I Google when I get home and bake one.
I shop from Aldi, Lidl, markets, pay what you feel. I use recipes from tasty sources such as Ottolengji or Dishoom for eg. I grow my own herbs and buy spices from the refill shop. It pleases me to make fabulous family meals very cheaply. If you eat a lot of meat try substituting some with lentils and chick peas.
From age 8 my kids would cook Saturday meal. I gave them a budget. They would decide between them what to cook. I would drop them at the supermarket and they would buy the ingredients, come home and cook. They loved the challenge and always made lovely meals in budget. For help they could ask me or ring a nana.
I love clothes. People think I spend a lot but with 3 children that was not an option. I am good at finding items second hand, taking them apart and re making. Follow trends of good designers, buy items of quality fabric. Lately I made a trench coat out of a man’s coat. Baby clothes out of a Liberty lawn dress. Childrens coats out of an old sail. Once you get the hang of the machine sewing is pretty quick. One of my sons would watch and was excellent as a teen at buying leather jackets, repairing or remodelling and selling on.
I clean a lot. You can make huge savings buying washing liquid, bleach, floor cleaner etc from bulk sellers.
Camping holidays are really cheap. I bought an old touring van once I got sick of tents. We surfed, swam, rock pooled, went on adventures on the bus. All in all the holidays other than the campsite fee worked out no dearer than being at home and we had a lot of fun!
You mention staying with people. For a change get them to come to you. Showing visitors to the place you live enables you to see the things you usually forget to do.

Poonu · 06/07/2025 15:06

@Alstromeria I love love love your post thank you 💝

tanstaafl · 06/07/2025 15:11

Shopping at Aldi?
Right MN, let’s get a whip-round sorted for OP.

user101101 · 06/07/2025 15:18

Honestly, you can get used to anything. You won’t feel it as much after a while. And it could be worse. Like, alot worse. You have a house, kids. Some people would kill for those things. I stopped drinking coffee due to health issues and I thought it was the worst thing ever 😂 now i forget I like coffee

SalfordQuays · 06/07/2025 15:21

I’d make a note of the money I would have spent, then add it all up at the end of the week. Seeing how much I’d saved would make me feel better about the process.

I also try to avoid buying coffee when out. I’ve got a really nice flask and I buy the coffee brand I like best, so I can take nice coffee from home. Way cheaper.

AlertEagle · 06/07/2025 15:26

stillsleeptraining · 05/07/2025 12:04

Any ideas for reframing / having mantras for when I deny myself a coffee out / don’t buy treats / whatever it is at that minute?

We’ve made some poor choices in the last few years, had some bad luck and so while our friends are going on extravagant holidays constantly, upgrading cars, buying second and third homes and sending their kids to private school, we’re downsizing, shopping at Aldi, occasional trips to friends/family houses as a holiday and watching literally every penny. We’ll be fine if we can keep at it for c. 5 years but that’s a long time to be staying upbeat on the outside for the kids whilst feeling utterly despondent that I can’t even buy a flipping coffee.

I would like to reframe - something so I feel like I’m doing something really positive whenever I make that choice that I can feel good about myself instead of just shit.

Any advice appreciated!

You can make your own coffee. Tbh I make myself and iced caramel late at home and it takes just fine to me. In my area an iced caramel latte is nearly £5 😳

godmum56 · 06/07/2025 15:28

stillsleeptraining · 05/07/2025 12:04

Any ideas for reframing / having mantras for when I deny myself a coffee out / don’t buy treats / whatever it is at that minute?

We’ve made some poor choices in the last few years, had some bad luck and so while our friends are going on extravagant holidays constantly, upgrading cars, buying second and third homes and sending their kids to private school, we’re downsizing, shopping at Aldi, occasional trips to friends/family houses as a holiday and watching literally every penny. We’ll be fine if we can keep at it for c. 5 years but that’s a long time to be staying upbeat on the outside for the kids whilst feeling utterly despondent that I can’t even buy a flipping coffee.

I would like to reframe - something so I feel like I’m doing something really positive whenever I make that choice that I can feel good about myself instead of just shit.

Any advice appreciated!

yeah yeah this is going to sound pearl clutching but you are doing better for the planet, you are modelling better choices for the kids. honestly f you can sort your circs by not buying coffees and shopping at Aldi as a regular thing and doing one downsize (do you mean moving house? its an expensive business, mught not save you much unless it massively reduces your council tax) then I'd say you are doing ok

godmum56 · 06/07/2025 15:28

AlertEagle · 06/07/2025 15:26

You can make your own coffee. Tbh I make myself and iced caramel late at home and it takes just fine to me. In my area an iced caramel latte is nearly £5 😳

I like my home made coffees better than the shop ones

AlertEagle · 06/07/2025 15:36

godmum56 · 06/07/2025 15:28

I like my home made coffees better than the shop ones

I meant to write tastes not takes 😂

JillMW · 06/07/2025 15:38

Creamteasandbumblebees · 06/07/2025 14:49

Maybe not quite the same but over the last year, before I buy anything at all I calculate exactly how long I have to work to afford whatever it is I'm about to buy. It’s amazing how quickly it puts you off buying stuff that isn't necessary. Its completely stopped my daily takeaway coffee!

I do the same. A cocktail is not so good when you realise you would need to work an hour to pay for it but could get one in Aldi to have at home for 9minutes. A round of ice creams from the ice cream man 2hours. Tub of ice cream 20 minutes, home made ice cream six minutes. An outfit for a wedding maybe a whole week take home pay and so I roll.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 06/07/2025 15:41

It’s definitely a mindset thing. I deny myself so many things that others do weekly/ regularly.
Going for coffee was the last thing that went but i can’t justify the cost. Now stuff I miss out on hardly registers anymore.

Tell yourself that it’s a gift for future you. You have a time limit on it. And be mindful and really enjoy it when you do treat.

DNLove · 06/07/2025 15:45

Think of this as a game you are competing in. Every coffee you skip is a win and worthy of a high five. The more wins you have the quicker you win the game. A treat is a walk with a pal, a good book from the library, etc.
Not only are you saving money by skipping these "treats" your skipping unnecessary calories so you're winning on your health too.
At end of this you'll be debt free and have a figure to die for.

BangersAndGnash · 06/07/2025 15:46

I can’t afford casual coffee when out. By not picking up coffees I am happy not to be wasting money.

Having enough is a satisfying state to be in.

Greed, ostentation, over-consumption are all demeaning characteristics, IMO.

Channel being a Quaker.

Or William Morris : “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful” . Beautiful does not have to mean expensive.

vovov · 06/07/2025 15:50

You're reducing overconsumption.
You're not building up cluttered shit.
Nobody needs a 2nd or 3rd home - it'd be a complete pain in the arse to look after anyway.
If your car is reliable enough, there is no need for an upgrade.
Private school is not the main determinant of outcome for a child - the educational level (and involvement) of the mother is.

StMarie4me · 06/07/2025 15:51

Comparison is the thief of joy.