Living frugally: denying yourself pleasures but not getting depressed

[stillsleeptraining]

Any ideas for reframing / having mantras for when I deny myself a coffee out / don’t buy treats / whatever it is at that minute?

We’ve made some poor choices in the last few years, had some bad luck and so while our friends are going on extravagant holidays constantly, upgrading cars, buying second and third homes and sending their kids to private school, we’re downsizing, shopping at Aldi, occasional trips to friends/family houses as a holiday and watching literally every penny. We’ll be fine if we can keep at it for c. 5 years but that’s a long time to be staying upbeat on the outside for the kids whilst feeling utterly despondent that I can’t even buy a flipping coffee.

I would like to reframe - something so I feel like I’m doing something really positive whenever I make that choice that I can feel good about myself instead of just shit.

Any advice appreciated!

Me too. I’d rather eat my own packed lunch at work than a meal deal or whatever.

Very Difficult OP!

All the free things get boring quickly and everything is so expensive now. Im single on a salary of £28k a year and struggling.

Best thing you can do is buy some budget vodka or other budget alcohol and drink it on your own each weekend like I do to make you forget your crap life when you cant afford anything. Its the only thing keeping me sane when I work full time and I cant afford anything I want to do.

What poor choices did you make? The Waitrose suggestion is a good one for a coffee. Hope things get better

yeah no do not do this.

It's wildly unusual to buy 2nd and 3rd homes, send kids to ps and still have luxury holidays so don't beat yourselves up or compare!
Do you have flex in your budget to set aside a small treat account, keep it separate, maybe its only 10 or 15 quid a month that goes in, maybe more if possible without depleting your existing living standard. Once a year agree either a personal or couples treat or do it for everyone - family day out, meal, any kind of totally frivolous treat you want. Obvs it'll need to be within the budget you've saved but it can be utter joy and have nothing to do with daily life and standards of living.
Also find joy in day to day life - a dog walk, a cuddle on the sofa, a nice cup of tea in the morning. Some people write this stuff in gratitude journals - that's not my style but it is a good idea to just savour a few moments that are simple and beautiful.
One of my small joys is getting absolute bargains on Vinted, nothing beats someone saying "like your top" and going "FOUR QUID VINTED", or making a takeaway at home and the kids actually liking it. Saving/being frugal can also be an absolute achievement and fill you witha a sense of a job well done.

Whizz up a shot of coffee with your milk of choice, ice and the key ingredient- one tsp of Nutella. That recipe got me through lockdown. It is honestly better than any iced latte I've had in a coffee shop.

Don't worry about fancy holidays- our kids' favourite holidays have been staying with friends, going crabbing, fishing, having picnics by a river and looking for tadpoles etc.

I love eating out, so try to recreate that with a fun alternative. E.g. divide into teams and have a cooking competition (or compete individually if the kids are old enough) where you take it in turns to make a fancy Saturday night dinner. Or eat around the world - research and cook a meal from a particular country.

@godmum56 why not

Id go insane otherwise. If i was on a great salary of £40k then I would spend money and not do what Ive posted but it looks like I wont ever earn tht much

Is it possible to loosen the strings slightly?
Martin Lewis tells people to factor in a bit of fun money if possible so you dont feel like you are just surviving or become more likely to blow it.
If there isnt room in the budget, there isnt room but if there is, might it be worth relaxing it ever so slightly? 5 years of not have enough for the odd coffee is going to be really tough.

Kindly, this isnt healthy and is going to cause you problems. X

Practice

It’s like dieting for me. Hard to cut out sugar / bread whatever to start with. After a while I get used to it and have no appetite for it.

Find it’s the same with casual spending and frittering of money. Do a month cold
turkey and you’ll kick the habit.

It is a habit as you get a dopamine hit when you buy something. Just like cigarettes or social media scrolling. Let us know how you get on. Good luck!

I’m sorry. If I might ask, are you lonely? Would having company help? People generally don’t get boring.

Definitely a mindset. These days the thing that makes me the most happy is seeing my savings grow. Just from last month to this one my stocks and shares have gone up in value by £780 and I haven't even had to do anything.

I have a detailed budget that I follow so at the start of every month I put money away to invest and then that's locked in and I can't touch them. I have £2K as an emergency fund in a regular savings account but otherwise I have to follow my budget. If I go over in one line item I have to go under in another. It's a bit time consuming but I check my online banking every day and put in every little bank fee, top-up shop or streaming service. It really, really helps having to note it all down.

I recently saw this and I realised just how true it is:

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.
(Epicurus 341-270BC).

Don't compare yourself to others. Just because they appear to be doing well doesn't mean they are - they could be mortgaged to the hilt and maxed out on credit cards!

Regardless, you've set yourself a target to pay off your debt which is highly commendable. Write the amount outstanding in bold figures on a piece of paper and put it on the inside of a cupboard door where you'll see it regularly. Once a month, replace it with the new, lower figure and congratulate yourself. This will keep you motivated and on track.

As others have said, look out for good quality second hand. This doesn't necessarily mean they've been worn. I regularly search Ebay for new/unused goods. Last year, I bought a pair of new, still boxed, leather Clarks shoes for work for less than £20 in an auction (RRP £70.) My biggest bargain though was £5 for a Woolovers 100% British Wool Aran jumper, in its original packaging and with tags on, again in an auction (RSP £65- £70.)

I also find Amazon is a good place to bulk buy branded detergents at cheaper prices than the supermarkets.

I keep back a small amount of money a month for supermarket special offers and stock up on anything with a long shelf life that I use a lot of.

I personally don't see the point of regularly replacing cars. My motto is buy the best you can afford, keep it well serviced and it should run for years. My last car was 18 years old (Honda) and still going strong when I part ex'd her for my newer one.

I really don't understand why you look down on Aldi. There are all kinds of gems to be found in the middle aisle and at excellent prices. I'm still using an Ambiano glass kettle I bought pre-Covid and I had one of their large dehumidifiers, which despite heavy use, lasted 7 years. I buy most of my weekly shop there and find the quality is mostly as good, if not better, than other supermarkets.

One final tip. Replace shower gel and handwash with good quality soap (get some silicone soap savers.) I did this to reduce my consumption of single use plastic and it has had all kinds of benefits. I use Italian Nesti Dante soap, which is not a cheap brand, but it is very cost effective. The bars are huge so I cut mine in half with a soap cutter (£5). The scents are gorgeous and last right down to the last little bit. They're triple milled, have no nasty chemicals and leave your skin lovely and soft. Also, even allowing for the price per bar, I am still saving money by not buying bottles because the bars last such a long time. Limonum Zagara (Italian lemon) and Portofino are my favourites for showering; the Olive and Tangerine one for hand washing. Amazon and Notino.co.uk have the best prices.

See my username
flip your mindset into paying yourself first rather than paying other people by spending on consumables .

No-one needs constant " treats" but they do need financial security.

Aim to pay off debts and don't take on anymore debt
Build a £1000 emergency fund
Save monthly for all regular short term things , Christmas, school uniform, car expenses, new tyres, vet etc
Build up 3-6 months outgoings in savings

Then look at longer term savings

You will at this point realise you have financial security and those coffees feel like a waste of money

Came to say this, quoted as it's worth repeating

get different friends?

Slightly tongue in cheek, but obviously you're going to be struggling if you're comparing yourself to the top 1% (salary of approx £180k places someone in this % of earners which, if you're talking buying a third house you probably are. Even "only" the top 7% for private school), rather than the vast majority of normal people. The fact you think shopping in Aldi (the UK's 4th - soon to be 3rd biggest supermarket that has won loads of blind tested awards) is an indicator of huge disadvantage says a lot.

At least you know this is a comparatively short term limit - some people will have to budget for the rest of their lives - forget having the luxury of knowing things will probably get better, they're just hoping things won't get worse (i.e. someone with a life limiting condition desperately hoping their PIP won't be reduced or cancelled by a new govt).

Compare yourself to the majority who have less than you rather than the minority who have more and you'll feel a lot better about yourself.

On a more practical level - rather than only looking for ways you can save money by making cuts, look for ways you can make money as well - even if just a few quid here and there. Part time job over christmas, selling things on vinted, tutoring if you have a skill, doing cashback on everything, matched betting, competitions, those apps that pay you for doing surveys or scanning your receipts or walking however many steps...whatever works for you. At least then you'll feel as though you're actively working towards something rather than constantly saying no - and you'll hopefully make enough to earn money for treats so you're not always saying no.

I listen to the Ramsey show and it keeps me motivated.

Hi @stillsleeptraining
I havent RTFT but make sure you use the loyalty schemes if you ever do weaken and buy coffee (at least save the stamps).

Mantra best in uour words because it will reflect your values but something along the lines of "I am making a future for me and my family" (when you avoid impulse spending or overspending)?

You could remove the option to spend by not taking your card and only using cash for impulse buys?

You seem to have a plan and a timeline so sticking to that will get the results you want?

Best of luck x

I’ve done this a few times when I’ve needed to really save, although I’ve never done it for as long as 5 years.

I think that the key starting point is “if I won the lottery tomorrow, what would I still do from my current life”.

For me, it’s surprising how much free stuff I wouldn’t change. Stuff like playground, local woods, hikes, junk modelling, playing in the garden, having a fire and marshmallows (ok, not technically free), play dates etc.

I’d definitely look at what freebies you can get, some energy companies and rewards sites you may have already used and have rewards available? Look for clubcard points and boots points and use that for small treats?

also shop your cupboards, look at what you already have and how you can use it differently.

I don’t think free or cheap is boring.

Look at things you like to do, and work out how to do them cheaper or free

Do you like flea markets, museums, art , active activities, food, music, history etc?

For example this weekend with small Ds and dh we have been to a local food market ( bought a loaf of nice sourdough, lots of free samples and demos). Bike ride, paddle in water and picnic. Short hike in woods. Then gardening and bits at home.

We often host friends here for a bbq,
afternoons tea, or pizza night as it’s cheaper and more relaxing. Kids can play in garden or with toys, adults chill. It’s nicer than a restaurant. Everyone brings something

Last week I went to a free cinema showing, as it was covering a climate topic so sponsored by local council. Very interesting.
Theres an art exhibition opening next Friday our neighbours have invited us too. It’s Free as opening night, and will just be the cost of a drink. It’s always full ( happens a few times a year), and lots of interesting talks, artists, music.

Many things are reasonable price or free if you look into what’s on in the area based on your interests.

I would try and gamify money-saving as much as possible. Find apps that help you track progress and hit milestones. Use things like Plum to create little savings pots that you can use for emergency coffees. Set yourself the challenge of earning £10 a day (pretty sure there’s a thread on this somewhere). Hunt out free cinema tickets, find free events going on near you, make the most of your local library. Celebrate the little successes and you won’t feel the sacrifices so much.

I would also come off social media and distance yourself from any crass friends who can’t help themselves but talk about money. It’s so easy to compare and despair but that way madness lies and ultimately other people’s behaviour can’t affect your situation, only your mood.

🤣
Stop comparing yourself to those people OP, they are one of the lucky few of top earners. Most people live how you live. Infact you are lucky you still get to go on holiday, I can’t afford them.

Some great advice on her. I would reframe it as the opportunity to live a simpler life for a few years- to escape the consumer/hedonic treadmill. Stop buying all that stuff/cramming diaries with events and just slow down.

Go homemade, borrow library books, enjoy nature and ruthlessly declutter (much easier to appreciate what you have if not buried). Get healthier and fitter (cheaply) and use your creativity. Plenty of resources and inspiration online (but avoid social media).