Living frugally: denying yourself pleasures but not getting depressed

[stillsleeptraining]

Any ideas for reframing / having mantras for when I deny myself a coffee out / don’t buy treats / whatever it is at that minute?

We’ve made some poor choices in the last few years, had some bad luck and so while our friends are going on extravagant holidays constantly, upgrading cars, buying second and third homes and sending their kids to private school, we’re downsizing, shopping at Aldi, occasional trips to friends/family houses as a holiday and watching literally every penny. We’ll be fine if we can keep at it for c. 5 years but that’s a long time to be staying upbeat on the outside for the kids whilst feeling utterly despondent that I can’t even buy a flipping coffee.

I would like to reframe - something so I feel like I’m doing something really positive whenever I make that choice that I can feel good about myself instead of just shit.

Any advice appreciated!

I really struggled to adjust but now I see myself as totally lucky that I get to drink my tea outside in beautiful places. I take hot water, milk and a tea bag and set up. I even have a gas hob for beaches etc. Feels like such a treat.

We also visit our local places but make them more exciting for the kids by visiting at sunrise or sunset and having a picnic!

You do need some treats, but you can reframe cheaper things as treats. Like a nice box of chocolates or an okay bottle of wine, maybe £10, you can allow yourself one per week or one per fortnight. Save up a few quid each week for a little day out. Depends on your budget but it’s worth having something that feels like a treat and that you can look forward to, even if it’s tiny.

Be generous. Give to charity. I know it sounds ridiculous and counterproductive, but find a cause you really care about and give a few pounds a month. Doesn’t have to be a lot but it can help to remind yourself, when you can’t have the nice coffee, that there’s something else more important that you’re contributing to or someone else who needs the money more than you do. It’s not only a situation that’s being forced on you but something you’re actively choosing in line with your values.

Don’t hide your financial situation from friends and family. I mean, you don’t have to tell them all the gory details but also don’t be ashamed of letting people know you have to be careful for a while and can’t afford treats. It helps to get rid of any shame you might fee and if you have decent people around you they will likely respond by suggesting fun and cheap / free things to do together, and sharing experiences with others makes it all much more enjoyable. (They might also start to be a bit extra generous occasionally — obviously you can’t expect this but if it’s offered freely then you shouldn’t be ashamed to graciously accept. Just remember to pay it forward when you’re in a better position again.)

Appreciate the natural world and remember that living on a budget is almost always more environmentally friendly than living expensively.

We are in a similar position. We try and find as many cheaper alternatives as possible. For example, instead of going to the pub to sit outside in a beer garden on a sunny Friday or Saturday evening. I’ll pack a cool bag of wine, beer and soft drinks and we drive somewhere fairly close by in the country with our camping chairs, the kids run feral and we sit outside with a beer and a glass of wine. I’ll be honest, it’s actually become more enjoyable because the kids can run a bit feral and no one cares. It’s so much cheaper than going to a pub. We’ve also invited some friends and their children.

If it helps, I dropped the kids at school a week ago and had to wait around for an hour for another appointment and decided to treat myself to a coffee and pastry from a well known chain of coffee shops. My pastry was burnt and the coffee was sub par AND it cost me £7.20. I was livid and wish I hadn’t bothered and had just bought a pastry for £1.20 from Waitrose and got a free coffee

Is it 5 years until you’re debt free, @stillsleeptraining ? I’d rather make it 6/7 years and live a little. You never know what life will bring so might as well enjoy yourself a bit along the way.

I’m trying to knuckle down on debt repayment for another year but I find I hit the ‘fuck it’ button too often if I’m too strict with myself. So it might end up being 18-24 months instead.

Every time you don't buy the expensive coffee, pat yourself on the back. You just treated your future self and made you and your family one step closer to financial security.

I've switched my mindset, so I love thrifting, batch cooking, Olio is awesome for free food and things. We have a local Buy Nothing Group on Facebook that's always great for freebies. Ive found a few book libraries to pick up a free read (and the library is also fab)
Once you switch off to consumerism you are amazed how much you can save. We waste so much money on things.

As for holidays we often do UK holidays. Youth hostel accommodation, camping, cheap city breaks when travelodge or premier inn have a sale etc

Martin Lewis MSE is great to follow for tips.

Good luck. You can do it

Be a bit careful with the going home made. All too often, depending on what stuff you already have, going home made can cost more than shop bought. People can be drawn into the going home made/home grown because it feels like economy.

Don't feel shit ..... you are helping the planet by now buying unnecessary shit........
My children are adults now. We were never rich and the idea of a coffee I a cafe was pit of our league. But they were surrounded by love and have turned out just fine.

If you have a new style bank account like monzo, you could set up a pot where every time you resist a treat, you move the equivilant in cash to the pot. At the end of the month you can see how much you've saved by resisting and give yourself a wee pat on the back. If you can stretch that out over a year you'll have a mega pot and be able to give yourself a mega pat on the back and maybe treat yourself with what you've saved

If you have a new style bank account like monzo, you could set up a pot where every time you resist a treat, you move the equivilant in cash to the pot. At the end of the month you can see how much you've saved by resisting and give yourself a wee pat on the back. If you can stretch that out over a year you'll have a mega pot and be able to give yourself a mega pat on the back and maybe treat yourself with what you've saved

I reframe it and tell myself that I'm choosing to live more frugally. To consume less, slow down and live more simply. It is better for the environment and my health anyway. I lost a lot of weight during the first Covid lockdown and it was because I was no longer eating out and was making everything at home.

Only today I baulked at the price of my favourite coffee in the supermarket, which is now £7. But then I reminded myself that it will last me a month and £7 wouldn't even cover two coffees from Costa. I could spend £3 for the Supermarket coffee and save even more but I choose to compromise by buying myself something I genuinely like but making it at home.

Similarly on Saturday DH mentioned getting a takeaway for us all but I went and got the ingredients from Tesco instead and made it at home. It was lovely and cost about £6 rather than £30. That's more expensive than our usual dinners but becomes the treat. And it's also way fewer calories.

I've really learned to enjoy the free things. Going on a walk, listening to podcasts, visiting the library etc. DDs and I have got into geocaching and spent two hours yesterday out in the countryside doing that. It cost us nothing and got us some fresh air and exercise.

We socialise at home more. It's cheaper to have people over for a BBQ than to go out for a meal. Get everyone to bring a dish....people don't mind and it can become a reciprocal thing. Or just enjoy an afternoon sat in the garden with a nice drink and a book. Tell yourself you're slowing down and appreciating the little things.

I listen to the Money to the Masses and Meaningful Money podcasts. They're interesting and keep me motivated.

Bless you.

You are doing absolutely the right thing - bravo - and it is hard.

You need a supportive community to tap into. People who are doing exactly what you are doing and can walk with you. Commiserate when it sucks, share tips and celebrate the little wins. Like AA.

I think Money Saving Expert has a Debt Free Wannabee forum - that might help? Or start a chat on here in the money section? I bet there are a plethora of other resources out there. There are a few of YouTubers who I like - The Financial Diet, Dave Ramsey, The Humble Penny. Watch these when you’re ironing or something to help you stay focussed and realise you are not alone.

I’m cheering you on from here - keep on keeping on. One day at a time. Stay focussed on your ‘Why’. Make a vision board of how life will be when you are debt-free, savings and investments starting to grow.

Sending you strength and courage.

Were sent challenges in life to teach us different lessons. Maybe your lesson is to let go of being materialistic and learn to stop comparing yourself to others. It sounds like you have to live on a tight budget but you can still have fulfilling and healthy lives while living on a budget, so long as you stop coming yourself to others and stop caring what other people think. There are lots of skills you can learn during this time that will help you for life, home cooking from scratch, growing veg in the garden, budgeting, try not to give yourself a hard time and see it as an opportunity for a different experience for a while.

I binge eat cheap chocolate

showyourqualit

would love to know more about the sm and frugality etc please!

Alstromeria .. that is beautiful and very very wise.
Alstromeria are also some of my favourite flowers .

I think with younger children in particular, it is not only easier to follow the many fantastic suggestions here but also possibly better in terms of inculcating good values at an early age. I do think a lot of this is much trickier with teenagers, especially iv they have gotten used to a certain lifestyle. I would advise anyone outside of the super rich to not waste money on younger children's ANYTHING when they are either oblivious or just as happy or even happier to do the simple cheaper thing. If there is money going spare it will be more unavoidably needed for the teenage years.

What's your coffee making set up at home? If you haven't got anything to make decent coffee with I recommend an Italian Moka stovetop coffee pot- they're about £10-12, and make coffee nearlyas good as what you can buy in a coffee shop.

Buying things like furniture from Facebook Marketplace can be very interesting- you can end up visiting parts of your area and meeting people that you never would otherwise- it's like a mini adventure! If you have a Facebook site where people give stuff away for free, even more so.

Every now and again allow yourself a splurge and shop til you drop....in the charity shops 😆 I honestly find them way more fun than normal shops.

It seems to me that wealth insulates one from a lot of simple pleasures, especially connecting with people. Taking the kids to a nearby town to buy a chest of drawers for a fiver from Marketplace, where the kids get to make a fuss of their cats and dogs and you get chatting to the guy and he's a retired teacher at a school you used to work at too is just a whole load more fun than wandering around DFS like zombies!

Volunteering for a community group and having a laugh and getting to know all your neighbours and ending up having a BBQ at the community centre is way more fulfilling than going for a posh meal and not talking to anyone else.

Etc etc...

This is so true, I had a couple of very hairy and frugal years financially speaking when I left my marriage but my main memories of that time are lots of picnics, having our own version of afternoon tea, swimming in lakes, staying with my sister in the city and taking advantage of free cultural events, connecting with lovely new neighbours over tea and yes, buying bits and pieces on donedeal.ie and in charity shops and being both delighted with myself and getting to meet all sorts of interesting people. My life felt more real in some way than my previous upper middle class bubble and I definitely think the children benefited from it. You need a lot more imagination and moxie to build a fulfilling and fun life when you're not just throwing money at it.

Not necessarily totally relevant but some utility apps have free coffee rewards - Octoplus, and maybe O2. Probably MSE can help with freebie treats - better treat than paying I always think!
I actually should be able to just buy a coffee etc, and was happy to finally get to such a place but the prices in chains particularly just feel such a waste, and tbh I’m a fairly don’t care about small wastes person, so they must be seriously over priced in my head. Anyway I don’t bother now unless it’s free! As above pp said above it’s just a habit and I don’t even think about it now - easier to get out of this one than some things too. I do get gift cards for coffee sometimes from the kids as presents and then it’s a nice treat, maybe align your present wish list to things like this if you get some?
I would build some treats in to your budget though - or you may just have a duck it day and spoil your hard work more than a few bits would have done.

When we were struggling, I reframed it as Minimalism. I followed a couple of minimalist and living simply blogs (zenhabits.net, becomingminimalist.com, thre's loads more). That made me feel part of an intentional movement rather than missing out or restriction. It was a tough few years for us after DHs redundancy and when he got another job it was a pay cut during the expensive childcare years but we came out of it the other side still financially liquid and we now have good spending and saving habits. I still shop at all the cheap shops, I don't see the point of spending more for the same thing. When we do treat ourselves, it is proper treat now that we really appreciate. Now we are focusing on building our savings for long term financial goals, instead of short term spending.

Anything you want to buy - that coffee for instance - multiply it by 365 and work out how much you are saving in a year when you don't buy it - it feels so much more worthwhile/significant that way. You're not saving £4, you're saving over £1,400 - (or more if you're paying interest)

That’s a really really good way to look at it… it’s so easy to think it’s a small amount of money.

Love the idea of reframing… I’m frugal as want my limited money to go as far as possible. I also like the added bonus of environmental benefits - buy majority of mine and two year olds clothes from vinted so reducing textile waste!

I do think some treats are important. Good to have nice things to look forward to. Can you set even a small budget for treats?

Can you work out what is free / low cost? I’m really lucky that I can walk to town etc. My town has free museums, library and low cost cinema. If I get to soft play before 9:30 it’s £1 entry! We also have a lot of free activities over the summer months - you’ve just reminded me to note a few things I want to go too!

I often take a coffee out with me in a thermos style cup (from b and m!) can get a chocolate croissant or similar from supermarket or even nice cake shop and feels like a real treat. We have a really pretty walk from our door that ends in a cake shop… literally one of my fave treats to myself!

Walking and the outdoors are free… picnics are low cost (nothing wrong with a regular sandwich, piece of fruit, yogurt and some kind of treat!) I’ve been known to nip into b and m for a packet of ice creams for literally the price of one fancy!

We get the Asda two pizzas and a bottle of pop for £6 instead of a take away. Feels like a real treat. And no real washing up!

Have friend round for tea, do an everyone bring a dish. Meet for a walk - I have several friends who enjoy meeting for ‘walkie talkies!’

There’s something important in grieving the life stage you just had and the ease of that. It’s okay to feel sad about the life changes.

as others have said, the things that help me is remembering that I’m reducing overconsumption. Looking into the depths of capitalism and consumerism and realising so much of what we feel we need are just being marketed to us to line someone’s else’s pocket and actually not needed at all.

prioritise the treats that mean something to you. I’d much rather buy no clothes and have a coffee once a fortnight. Then see if you can make a treat fund.

theres no shame in shopping in Aldi or going on camping holidays. Why spend more for the same thing at the end - good food and fun times?

I'm utterly wiped after buying a house and having to cut everything right to the bone until I can stabilise. I started to feel quite hard done by and decided to reframe frugality as intentionality.

I'm finding that easier to live with. My intention is to rebuild a cushion and it can feel bleak at times.

However, when I check my bank statement carefully at the end of the month if more money than I intended was frittered on coffees I'm quite cross at myself.

How much enjoyment is there really in buying a takeaway coffee and pret sandwich? Or a new top, eyeliner, lipstick etc?

As an aside, Octopus has a free coffee and a free cold drink every week, I really look forward to my freebie. There's also tesco points which I'm currently saving for one night at my favourite hotel, it's half price with the points 🤷🏼‍♂️

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