Adult kids and inheritance

[pollyglot]

Please bear with me for this long tale - I really need some advice.

Several years ago, at the age of 70, I inherited quite a lot of money from my DM's trust. I have 3 kids, all in their 40s, who each received $30,000 out of my inheritance, as DM expected. The middle "child" has always been bad with money, or at least his ex was, and they ran up massive debts. I was driven to despair by the demands on my money while I was working a 70-hour week for the last 25 years. They were always about to lose their house, etc etc. In short, he's had at least $100,000 more than the other two - loans which they promised-and failed-to repay. His marriage broke up, the rent (she got the house and kids) and child support payments are killing.

I spent quite a lot of my inherited money on a really nice house and garden, in a family trust, to have a happy and relaxed retirement after 47 years of working and supporting everybody (I was effectively a single parent all their childhood). I am fortunate to have two rental properties which return a good rent, but it's mostly swallowed up by the expenses of owning, and improving, 3 properties, and slipping the kids money from time to time. The properties have gained a great deal in value as I've been working on them, and I was hoping to leave them a good inheritance while having an income myself.

Now DS2 wants me to sell one of the properties and buy another in his area that he can rent off me. I was hoping to have a bit of a lump sum to take a trip abroad, but buying another house would take all of the capital. I fear that he would be unable to pay the rent and I'd be left without an income other than my pension. I would also not be able to travel nor have a few luxuries in my old age, and the other two "kids" would be disadvantaged.

What do I do?? Watch DS struggle, knowing that the situation he's in is largely one of his own creation, and he's had so much more than the others, or be a bit selfish, for once? Look, I know it sounds ludicrous, but my sister - DM's executor wanted me to give them all $100,000 each, and told them that. Living in a million dollar (family trust!) house makes me feel guilty, and perhaps I should be a lot more generous, but I've worked so hard all my life and supported everyone, and feel that I'm entitled to a bit of comfort in my old age.

Please advise, oh wise ones, and thanks for putting up with the long text.

You look after those who help themselves (that is: yourself) without guilt, and in your will you will enough to the other two children to *compensate for the money DS2 drained throughout the years. And frankly, consider willing half of DS2 remaining part to his children directly.

Good luck!

Ds 2 can whistle imo...

Think about the difference between helping and enabling. And also what about the other children? Read a few threads on here about parents favouring the child that can’t seem to cope and how the responsible children feel-that might help your consideration. You have nothing to feel guilty about so if you continue to feel that way, do some work on yourself, talk to someone independent like an counsellor, and then decide about the children.

Don’t get into any financial arrangement such as renting with DS2 - it could go so seriously wrong.

Whatever you do for child no 2 it’s not going to be enough and he’ll be back needing more in a couple of years

I really appreciate your input. Thank you so much.

So will your three DC inherit the million dollar house?

I think I’d sell one of the rental properties give each DC a third each now and enjoy my retirement.

I wouldn’t do the DS’s rental request.

1. it isn’t selfish to protect an equal inheritance for your other Dc. Throwing more money at Dc2 robs them
2. Is it even viable? I am not sure if you are in the UK as you use $ , but if you sell a rental property I think you will lose a big chunk of money (40% of the increase in value since you bought it) in Capital Gains Tax

So DS2 got $130K while the others got $30K (though they've all got more over time)? Don't rent to him. If he hasn't paid you back for loans in the past, he'll fall behind in rent quickly and pretend he always thought the arrangement was to live rent free.

I would've given them more than $30K from the inheritance. I agree with PP who suggested it might be an idea to sell one rental and split (some of) the money between them now. And then no more money for them while alive. And in your inheritance leave DS2 $100K less than the other two to balance things out.

If I'd spent £100k more on one of my kids than the other, there's no way I'd be leaving them the same amount in my will. Especially if that one had thrown it all away and expected more.

You tried to help him, he blew it all, so it's down to him to find himself now. It would be different if he was just the victim of bad fortune/illness/accident, but he's just feckless and your other children shouldn't lose out because they've been financially sensible.

To make it easier I think I'd be selling one of the houses and giving the other two their £100k not, actually. It's easier to make things equal while you're alive, than in a will.

I don't think it's anything to do with your sister, is it? She's the executor of the world, not the fount of all knowledge about what you should do with your money. Tell her to keep her opinions to herself.

I couldn't stand being hounded by my children for money. Does your son work? It's horrible to think of him pleading with you for money when you've worked so hard and he's lost so much money by being so stupid.

Your son is very cheeky and entitled in my mind. He needs to wise up and learn to stand on his own feet. I would also write my will to ensure the financial unfairness in what he has had over his siblings is eventually rectified. You deserve your holiday by the sound of it and seem to be have made excellent provision for your adult children.

Just tell him it’s not fair on the other two, so it’s no.

Thank you once again. It's too outing to be any more specific, but the youngest recently had $50k in shares as an asset to show the bank when their spouse lost their job while they were in the process buying a house. I can't sell one of the properties as it's at a beautiful beach which is highly sought-after, but a very long way away from where I live, and the eldest, in particular, wants to keep it for the future when it will be extremely valuable. They are all too busy to maintain it, though, with young kids and demanding jobs. So it's a real anxiety for me, but I understand their desire to keep it. I have offered to give it to them so that they can take on the worry, and can run it as an airbnb or rental, but they don't have the time to manage it. It's within a day's return drive, though to be fair, quite a distance. I have the other rental on the market, which is very slow just now. So no rental income but I've run up lots of expenses after bad tenants. I'm not going to sell my own lovely house, with the garden I've been working on for years and turned into a place of joy.

If I split the proceeds of the rental when/if it sells, I'll be left with little capital and a property they want me to keep for them. Yes, I know I'm a bloody doormat, but I'm in my mid-70s and in poor health - I just don't need stress.

Thank so much again for your advice.

If you're in your mid 70s and in poor health, then your other two kids should have the decency to take on the valuable house (which would be a gift, FFS!). I'm sure they could pay someone to manage it for them if they want it keeping that badly.

Agreed. Talk him you want to treat all equally, and that he has gotten far more than the other 2 at this point. Tell him you don't want to cause a rift in the family and that he has to stand on his own two feet.

You know that your DS2 won’t pay the rent regularly if you buy a property for him and then you’ll be stuck between making him homeless or letting him live there for free.

It wouldn’t be fair on you or your other two children.

Agree with PP that you sit down your children and tell them the beautiful house far away is too much for you to look after, do they want to take it on or do they want it sold?

You cannot want things for them more than they want them.

DS2 doesn't want to be sensible with money? Then he doesn't have sensible money. Kids don't want to have a beautiful beach house that need looking after? Then they don't have one.

They are either rather unthinking or very unkind.

I can't believe how entitled all of your DC are OP.
Fancy treating you like this .
Do any of them actually care about you as their Mum or is it just all about them and their needs ?
I think you need to look after number one for a change OP . Take that holiday life is so short and you have worked all your life for your DC . Time for them to look after themselves bless you .

You can’t sell the house because they want to keep it but do nothing to help maintain it, your middle child has used you like an ATM.. you poor love. Don’t facilitate this nonsense anymore, what a greedy bunch of vultures. One house is on the market, that’s all you can do with that, and you want to keep the other one (do you though? If not, ignore their protests and sell up. ‘Might be worth a fortune’ in the future, might flood and be a chain round your neck, nothing is guaranteed so do what YOU want with YOUR house)

stop pandering to the middle one. Be a sounding board, not a bank.

Oh dear - now the eldest sounds as bad as the middle child! I feel exhausted OP just hearing about your burden and workload. I’d understand a little better if the beachfront property held good family memories and they felt emotionally tied, but just so they can wait for it to appreciate even more?! What about YOU? Please look at your situation as a whole and reassess everything. Definitely don’t buy any more property though. You sound like a mum to be cherished - I suspect some of this is down to you trying to appear strong for your children and not letting them see any of your own troubles? Not a criticism! Now’s the time to get them all together and lay out your full situation including worries for the future. Good luck.

@pollyglot surely when middle son's children reach the age of 18 then the house can be sold and he will be entitled to his share??? we always kept ours equal. if one needed money then the other got the same money. same with grandchildren, if one gets, then they all get. wouldnt rent to son because you will not receive rent. he perhaps needs to own his stupidity and get his act together!

They're all taking the piss frankly

Shut down these conversations.

In fact, change your will to bypass the dcs and leave everything to the dgcs.

Live your best life and stop thinking of what your DC will or won’t inherit. Your other DS sounds selfish too.
You don’t have to do anything, you don’t have to keep the soon to be valuable costal property because one DC wants you to.

They do ask seem very interested that you fund and manage stuff for their benefit, as long as they don’t have to be responsible in any way!

Say no to middle child as it’s not fair, and tell the eldest that you can’t manage it so it’s up to them as to whether they take that on or you sell!

Although you should probably just sell everything and use the money to fund multiple dream trips and a comfortable retirement for you- and just you! Ungrateful lot!