Adult kids and inheritance

[pollyglot]

Please bear with me for this long tale - I really need some advice.

Several years ago, at the age of 70, I inherited quite a lot of money from my DM's trust. I have 3 kids, all in their 40s, who each received $30,000 out of my inheritance, as DM expected. The middle "child" has always been bad with money, or at least his ex was, and they ran up massive debts. I was driven to despair by the demands on my money while I was working a 70-hour week for the last 25 years. They were always about to lose their house, etc etc. In short, he's had at least $100,000 more than the other two - loans which they promised-and failed-to repay. His marriage broke up, the rent (she got the house and kids) and child support payments are killing.

I spent quite a lot of my inherited money on a really nice house and garden, in a family trust, to have a happy and relaxed retirement after 47 years of working and supporting everybody (I was effectively a single parent all their childhood). I am fortunate to have two rental properties which return a good rent, but it's mostly swallowed up by the expenses of owning, and improving, 3 properties, and slipping the kids money from time to time. The properties have gained a great deal in value as I've been working on them, and I was hoping to leave them a good inheritance while having an income myself.

Now DS2 wants me to sell one of the properties and buy another in his area that he can rent off me. I was hoping to have a bit of a lump sum to take a trip abroad, but buying another house would take all of the capital. I fear that he would be unable to pay the rent and I'd be left without an income other than my pension. I would also not be able to travel nor have a few luxuries in my old age, and the other two "kids" would be disadvantaged.

What do I do?? Watch DS struggle, knowing that the situation he's in is largely one of his own creation, and he's had so much more than the others, or be a bit selfish, for once? Look, I know it sounds ludicrous, but my sister - DM's executor wanted me to give them all $100,000 each, and told them that. Living in a million dollar (family trust!) house makes me feel guilty, and perhaps I should be a lot more generous, but I've worked so hard all my life and supported everyone, and feel that I'm entitled to a bit of comfort in my old age.

Please advise, oh wise ones, and thanks for putting up with the long text.

And renting you would be cheaper because... he wouldn't pay you market rate, then? So, in the very best case scenario, you would be subsidising him and losing money. (In the most likely scenario, he would pay you little or nothing, and rely on getting free housing because you wouldn't kick him out.)

We are in a similar position with 3 rental properties and substantial value in our own property. The rental properties also give us a comfortable lifestyle after working hard for over 40 years. Our intention for all to go to our 3 children who all work hard with lovely partners , two are more wealthy however I would never make a difference, they should all be treated the same.
We feel there is no point in saving money now as the current government seems to be constantly taking away from pensioners so we save the annual allowance in junior isa’s for our six grandchildren.
However I would not in your circumstances risk my current circumstances for a adult child who showed poor ability to manage his own finances or who has been bitten by a partner who caused debt.
You need to look after yourself after working so hard and enjoy holidays and a nice retirement you deserve it. Good luck in whatever you decide.
can I add my children would not expect us to do what your son is suggesting.

I'd say no, you are old enough to stand on your own two feet, tge gravy train has stopped - its unfair on your siblings. The extra 70k he's had would be equalised upon my death/his inheritance.

Yes, you do watch DS2 struggle because it is all of his own making in one way or another. Prioritise yourself. Don't enter into discussions with him, just tell him 'no'.

Enjoy your travels.

I’d sell all the property and upscale to a £2m mansion and screw the lot of them, leave it all to a dogs home.

OP, you know jolly well that if your DS rents a house from you, the first thing he’ll default on will be the rent when he finds himself a bit short (and he will) but you will nevertheless be expected to carry on maintaining the property and repairing anything broken. Just don’t do it. You have helped him out and he has defaulted on loans - why throw good money after bad? Your other DC have just as much right as he does to be subsidised, so unless you have enough money and houses to let them all live rent-free, just don’t do it. And make the most of your own life - it sounds as though you deserve it.

It sounds as though it's not just your financially flaky DS who is the problem. The other child expecting you to maintain a home by the sea so that they can benefit in future is also a problem.

Managing rental properties is increasingly tiring as one gets older. Speaking as the person in my family who maintains a holiday property in a nice place that other family members have various strongly held opinions about, if you're the person carrying the financial and administrative load and you are the owner, it is ABSOLUTELY OK to consider selling it and doing whatever is best for you with the proceeds.
No guilt needed (and therapy is very helpful for grappling with lingering FOG!). Good luck with holding your (very reasonable-sounding) boundaries and listening to your gut. Put your own needs first.