Adult kids and inheritance

[pollyglot]

Please bear with me for this long tale - I really need some advice.

Several years ago, at the age of 70, I inherited quite a lot of money from my DM's trust. I have 3 kids, all in their 40s, who each received $30,000 out of my inheritance, as DM expected. The middle "child" has always been bad with money, or at least his ex was, and they ran up massive debts. I was driven to despair by the demands on my money while I was working a 70-hour week for the last 25 years. They were always about to lose their house, etc etc. In short, he's had at least $100,000 more than the other two - loans which they promised-and failed-to repay. His marriage broke up, the rent (she got the house and kids) and child support payments are killing.

I spent quite a lot of my inherited money on a really nice house and garden, in a family trust, to have a happy and relaxed retirement after 47 years of working and supporting everybody (I was effectively a single parent all their childhood). I am fortunate to have two rental properties which return a good rent, but it's mostly swallowed up by the expenses of owning, and improving, 3 properties, and slipping the kids money from time to time. The properties have gained a great deal in value as I've been working on them, and I was hoping to leave them a good inheritance while having an income myself.

Now DS2 wants me to sell one of the properties and buy another in his area that he can rent off me. I was hoping to have a bit of a lump sum to take a trip abroad, but buying another house would take all of the capital. I fear that he would be unable to pay the rent and I'd be left without an income other than my pension. I would also not be able to travel nor have a few luxuries in my old age, and the other two "kids" would be disadvantaged.

What do I do?? Watch DS struggle, knowing that the situation he's in is largely one of his own creation, and he's had so much more than the others, or be a bit selfish, for once? Look, I know it sounds ludicrous, but my sister - DM's executor wanted me to give them all $100,000 each, and told them that. Living in a million dollar (family trust!) house makes me feel guilty, and perhaps I should be a lot more generous, but I've worked so hard all my life and supported everyone, and feel that I'm entitled to a bit of comfort in my old age.

Please advise, oh wise ones, and thanks for putting up with the long text.

They are adults and so are you.

They are of an age when they really should have learned to be independent by now. They've already had significant amounts of money given to them. If they haven't learnt to be independent, then giving them more money is going to make that problem worse, not better. How will they learn from being bailed out? What are you teaching them?

Your assets belong to you and not to them.

As someone dealing with a nightmare of a legal and financial issue regarding my late mum's rental property, I can tell your kids right now, that it would be FAR easier for them to take on responsibility for that lovely property now, than have to deal with it when you die. And that's without the added complexity of having a sibling who's likely to be a nightmare when they're trying to deal with your will and property.

You might want to give them a heads up on that. A year on and I'm nowhere with my mum's estate and the only winner so far is my solicitor. It's going to be at least another year, and that's without any difficult siblings.

OP: you deserve a break, you deserve to come first after your years of parenting, and YOU inherited this money, just as your kids will inherit from you in due course.

Your DSis had no business interfering and telling you and your kids what she thought about how much they should get.

Your Dc2 is bring outrageous wanting you to miss out on the full benefit of YOUR inheritance from your Mum and shirt cut his way to his inheritance from you.

Do what works best for you. Keep money for travelling while you are still fit and able.

This is your time.

Yet another one where the first reply nails it

In particular don't even THINK about entering some kind of rental agreement with someone this entitled - that way lies madness

Edited to add that, from later posts, it seems they're all at it
Personally I'd be shutting this down right now

@pollyglot there is a reason on planes they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first then help children etc. it’s because if you don’t save yourself you can’t help anyone else.

You need to take a long hard look at what is right for you now and long term.

• current home - you love this home and want to continue living here. To do this you need income from either rent from your other 2 properties or the interest on the money if you sold them. Long term what if you need to pay for care (this can be at home) - where will the money come from? Long term will you need help to maintain your home and garden - where will the money come from.

• Beach House - you have offered to gift it to your DC and they have said no. It is causing you anxiety because of the distance and maintenance. You also potentially need the income from rent or investing the money from selling it. Unless you are getting a good rent you need to decide what is right for you, continue to rent out, sell or gift to DC. I would decide what is right for you then tell the DC this is what I am doing.

• rental property - this is currently up for sale and not rented out. You need the money to provide you with an income and clear debts. Get it sold and invest the money for you.

WRT your DC they are adults and you have been more than generous. They all need to learn to stand on their own feet. You are not doing any of them, particularly DC2, any favours giving away your future to keep them happy. They sound like they will take and take if you let them and then leave you to manage on your own when the money runs out. Part of being a good parent is about knowing when to say no.

What your son really wants is one of your homes...just in his preferred location. And this is an indirect way of getting his foot in the door. Once he is in there, you won't be able to get him out. Not fair on the other siblings.

What a horrible story. I’d do whatever works for you - your children don’t get a vote. Keeping a house you don’t even want is bizarre. Tell them they can have it now, or have the money if the choose (and you don’t need it yourself) and get rid of the rentals. These are headaches you don’t need.

Yes.

What's stopping your middle son from just renting a house in his preferred location right now, from a third party landlord? Why does it have to be a house owned by you?

Oh, that's right... it's the fact that he would actually have to pay the rent.

He blatantly is not planning to pay rent to you. If he was planning to pay rent, then he could just rent from anyone. He's just asking you to buy him a house to live in.

I wouldn't want rental properties at your age. I would sell them. Keep the money to top up your income - give some away ONLY if you don't need the income. You children can inherit when the time comes. Your middle child is asking you to be the landlord so they don't have to pay any rent. There is no benefit to you if the beach house appreciates in value because you need your money for a nice lifestyle now.

Enjoy your money, if there are any assets and money left when you die your DC will get them then. That’s it.

Sell one of the rental and split it between the other 2 dc to even it up. No more money no more hand outs.

You need to make a will balancing your assets to reflect ds2 has already had £100k more than other 2 DC. I did similar. My eldest 2 DC had help with deposits but youngest ds is 8 years younger and wanted to buy close to me so in a more expensive area than other 2 DC. I sold a rental property and gave him £55k towards a deposit and paid his solicitors fees, because I wanted him to have his own home and be able to afford his mortgage. In my will he inherits £50k less than other 2 DC. This reflects they had about £10k help for their deposits but youngest ds has had more help now than they have. I've told them all this is what is happening and all seems ok with it. You need to do similar. Don't rent to family it won't end well. Consider gifting your DGC some from DS2 money in trust from DS2 share directly. If your DS2 is poor at handling money I might be inclined to dribble feed him money over time rather all at once upon your death.

Oh my goodness, what wonderful answers, and so very helpful. You are, of course spot on, as my head knows. If you are my age, you will know how girls and women were taught, very firmly, that their wants and needs come last. At least that was how my mother behaved. Dismissing that child who was of no account from my own head has been a lifetime's task...but I'm getting there! I really do appreciate your kindness. Thank you again.x

What do I do?? Watch DS struggle, knowing that the situation he's in is largely one of his own creation, and he's had so much more than the others, or be a bit selfish, for once?

Yes. Absolutely. 💯 your son is a disgrace, and he needs to live by his continuous poor choices. You deserve to have a life beyond bailing him out.

this. He will take every single penny and still want more.

firm no. He doesnt get another penny.

This.

To be fair, he is paying rent, but has so many children (the base of all the problems) that it costs him half of his salary. Rentals with 5 bedrooms are brutally expensive. On top of the child support.

Put your self first for once.
Your DS will never take responsibility for his choices while the bank of Mum keeps bailing him out.

You’ve given the man well over 100,000 and he’s frittered it. Thats the basis of his problems not his children. Others could have managed.

dear kids, I find in getting grumpier and more willing to speak my mind as I get older. I’ve given all of you just about my whole life, working to provide, and am a bit horrified that you actually seem to expect it to be my whole life. I’ve done a will balancing out what you’ve received from me so it’s fair. I’d like to remind you wills are about what you get when I’m dead and I’m not dead yet so stop trying to get me to act as I am. No I will not sell off properties and hand you the proceeds so I just living off my pension and shame on anyone who’s thought that was a good idea. Also, if I can’t maintain any of my properties as I’m getting too old, then I’m selling it if that’s best for me and no children who don’t have time to maintain it either get a say in it. How dare you try and insist your 70yo morher carry on maintaining a property just because you want her to?

how do you want your children to treat you when you’re old?

your loving mother who hopes to have children remember that maybe they love me too.

@pollyglot He’s paying rent to his current landlord as they’ll evict him if he doesn’t. But would you make him homeless if he didn’t pay the rent to you? He knows that you wouldn’t so it’s a great way for get free accommodation.

You can’t afford to risk him not paying his rent so it’s a non-starter.

You are a total bloody doormat.

Sell all your properties, give the money to the first that asks and live in poverty for the rest of your life. It's what you want.

Why does he need a five bedroom rental? Presumably he only has the kids part of the time, and they can share bedrooms.

Tell them all to fuck off and wait until you've passed away to fight it out.

Because if she can't see how she's being used, she deserves to be ripped off.

The kids aren't the bae if all his problems. His continuous poor decision making is.