Giving up work until our children are all in school

[WombForTwo]

I’m posting this here as I want proper advice, not snarky comments about our circumstances.

I am currently pregnant with twins. I’m 14 weeks and haven’t had an easy time so far. I don’t want to keep working if I can. My husband is fully on board with this.

My husband is a magic circle associate and earns £235,000 a year. I run a marketing agency and I am set to earn £275,000 this year, but it varies depending on contracts we secure etc.

My husband gets a performance related bonus each year and this tends to go straight into his pension, or investments.

we have circa £750k equity in our home and a remaining mortgage of about £750k. Repayments are £4,135 a month.

We have both had considerable inheritances from great grandparents. My husband’s was around £2.5 million, mine was about £1m. These were originally in trust and we continued the investments and financial advice past age 25, and they’re generally growing healthily.

ideally I would stay on at my company in a sort of remote boss role, drawing a salary and dividends but not working. But anxiety is holding me back and I don’t know why. We’ve become very comfortable and save/invest a lot. The idea of losing that, even just for 5 years, terrifies me.

My hesitation in fully endorsing your idea is that you may lose your confidence around work unless you remain ‘current’ and never really get back into it. This is much more common than you’d think.

My fear is that you stop work ‘for five years’ to stay home with the twins (congratulations, by the way!) and then, when they start school, you can’t easily make the transition back to work.

This might not feel important, given the fact that you are in a great position, financially, but if - God forbid - you find yourself single in 10/15/20 years time (your husband runs away with a sailor, let’s say) you may feel ‘out of the loop’ if you have not worked properly and may miss the sense of identity, pride and connection that it brings.

There are obviously other ways through life than just working but I’d really advise you to be cautious and keep just a toe on the ladder. I know it doesn’t feel like it but being part of the working world is a precious thing.

I have been a SAHM and, whilst I loved it, I would do things slightly differently if I had my time again.

I understand this viewpoint too. Everything just feels totally overwhelming. I wouldn’t give up my share in my business, because this is my baby. But I’d definitely consider taking a step back for a while. I don’t know

I understand this viewpoint too. Everything just feels totally overwhelming. I wouldn’t give up my share in my business, because this is my baby. But I’d definitely consider taking a step back for a while. I don’t know

Oh OP, you've got such a lot going on! I thought I'd give you a couple of things from my experience. I am a twin mum, I also had a 27 month old when my twins were born (following a healthy, if uncomfortable pregnancy, at 38+4 via a planned section) so it was full on at times, but there were lots and lots of moments of joy. Everybody told me it was going to be a nightmare, people seem to revel in making unhelpful comments from 'ooooo, double trouble' to 'you'll have your hands full, prepare never to sleep again'. My enduring memory though is of my amazing midwife who supported me through the twin pregnancy saying to me at the booking in appointment as my 18 month old was tearing up and down the corridor laughing his head off "imagine if you have two more like him..." I waited for her to say "you'll be exhausted" or something and she just beamed at me and said "won't it be WONDERFUL!". Twins is a gift, and hard work, but full of joy.

I am a high earner and very career driven, and I recently had to step away from work for a while to support a family member with their health. I found it very hard in similar ways to you, and I kept a helicopter role so I could keep an eye on things. It was really really good and changed my perspective on what's important to me - letting go of working was really hard, but in reality my teams are amazing and they all did a fantastic job while I was away. Being off and focusing on my family was very restorative to me, and actually I think it helped me to recover from some of my own issues as I was living in a way which was much more connected to my values.

ignore people on here reacting to your financial situation. In a way that's the smallest part of this equation, you have the ability to take time away which is a privilege- I certainly felt very lucky to be able to do it. Stepping away was really hard because of how hard I've worked all my life, but life goes on at work without you and people are generally keen to do a good job too so things would be likely to be completely fine!

OP were you sent to boarding school by any chance?

Please don’t worry about what anyone thinks except you and your DH.

I’ve been a SAHM for the past 7 years. Best years of my life, zero regrets, only sad it feels like it’s coming to an end with my youngest off to school all day from Sept. Time is everything to me.

My DH earns £45K as a teacher, we haven’t struggled to pay our mortgage or bills and have a good standard of living. I resigned from a £40K a year teaching job. I definitely wouldn’t hesitate to do it in your financial situation 😊

Decisions can always be reviewed and reversed as well, nothing has to be forever. You are allowed to change your mind and change it back and change it again 😊

Good luck!

Age 5-16, I joined the local grammar sixth form for my AS and A-Levels

I wouldn't plan to have 5y off. I would be reducing my hours now though, plan to have 18 months off and then decide what is best for you and your family unit.
It might be to have 5y off. It might be to have 18 months off and go back 4 days a week. It might be 3y off back to work 2 days a week followed by another year off when they start school.

Your finances give you plenty of options and what you think will be right for you now might not what turns out to be right for you further down the line but that's ok you don't have to decide everything now.

I had a hard pregnancy with my daughter with hyperemesis and recovery from a bad car accident. I kept working as much as I could. I went on the develop post natal depression and psychosis. I had planned on taking 9 months off then going back full time to work. What happened instead was I sent my baby to nursery 2 days a week and was admitted to a mother and baby unit as my mental health was so poor and trying to manage my mental health and an infant was too much and I needed help with my daughter in order to improve my mental health. I went back to work at 13 months and did a phased return working up to 4 days a week by 15 months. I needed that day off for me and my mental health. My daughter was in nursery 4 days a week.

I did a lot of work on my mental health and got better and stronger. Flash forward to this year. My daughter started school and I found she actually needed more from me not less. I was made redundant in Feb and now on a career break as I'm also pregnant. I'm really noticing the benefit in me being pregnant and not working. It's my 4th pregnancy (2 miscarriages) and it's been the easiest so far. I think the slower pace of life has helped. We have also noticed a huge impact for the better with my daughter with her having me around more. I don't think I would have coped with this life outside of work previously though. When my mental health was worse I needed work as a buffer between my mental health and working on improving it. I'm sure you are finding working on your mental health can be exposing and make things feel very raw. For me that 24/7 is too much, being able to put on a persona and be someone else for a day whilst my brain processes the therapy at a safe pace really helped. I made much more progress with therapy after I returned to work compared to the months before I returned to work.

In a nutshell. It's absolutely feasible for you to take the next 5ys off. Don't get ahead of yourself, look at what you need right now to be the best version of you and best of luck with your pregnancy

Thank you. The more I think of it the more I want to do it and get us out of London into the surrounding countryside, but I think that would be far too many steps at once!

So you went to boarding school from aged 5? That’s maybe where a lot of your MH issues are coming from, I only asked as you come from a wealthy family so I assumed you might of and there’s been psychologists who’ve spoken out about the harms of it

I am a twin mum.

my twins were born at 36 weeks and were absolutely fine.

we’d planned for one parent to stay at home until they were in school but actually we both went back to work part time when they were 2. Dh had taken redundancy from his job when they were 1.

it’s good to have a balance.

the first year is quite tough and I’d plan to get help in - cleaner, whatever.

It may do. I don’t think I have the best attachment to my parents. A lot of it comes from losing my older brother when I was 17, he was teaching me to drive and one thing led to another and we ended up in an accident. I’ve never really forgiven myself for it and I blame myself for losing control, so it’s the one thing I’m scared to do now.

Why haven't you paid off your mortgage? If this is real, you have had more good fortune that most people have in a lifetime, and you're still not happy.

Apologies, did not see your last post. More financial good fortune. Sorry for your loss.

My advice would be to keep your foot in the door. Even if you don't need the money, you'll need the adult company and to keep a piece of your old self.

You can pay off your mortgage today from your inheritance.

Why are you worried?
You do not have to decide now for five years .
You can afford a ton of help. Nannies housekeepers etc day and night.
Take off a year then decide

Maybe you will feel like keeping your work in hand
Maybe not

Decide the next year . Or months. Then review.

And I guess you have never had that gone with your Mum - do you have a relationship with your inlaws

They are huge salaries as you are aware. In your circumstances I would certainly consider working in a reduced capacity until school age and hiring a nanny/housekeeper to help you. Most of us don’t have that luxury but if you can grab it

Sadly no, my MIL is horribly abusive and has created a huge rift in the family recently.

Sadly no, my MIL is horribly abusive and has created a huge rift in the family recently.

My experience with magic circle firms is that the men earn a lot so they can house the wives out of the way. I would be making sure that all my money was very safe if I was going to drop out of employment for 5 years.

And I totally have a double PhD from Cambridge and am dating a supermodel. lol

Health - mental or physical is worth so much more than money. If you died tomorrow you would not wish you had worked more…
I think the best legacy and gift you could leave your children are the memories of being there for them. It’s not as though you won’t have anything to pass on to them.
But do consider how being at home with the children full time will affect your mental health. Will you feel isolated? Will you feel resentful? Will you lose confidence in yourself and insecure about not providing financially (you shouldn’t but some people do feel this).

Sounds to me like you can afford to take a break and when the kids are at school you can get back into it.

The first 3 years of a child’s life are said to be the most important and will help to shape who they become.

Fucking hell, what a horrible thing to say.