Giving up work until our children are all in school

[WombForTwo]

I’m posting this here as I want proper advice, not snarky comments about our circumstances.

I am currently pregnant with twins. I’m 14 weeks and haven’t had an easy time so far. I don’t want to keep working if I can. My husband is fully on board with this.

My husband is a magic circle associate and earns £235,000 a year. I run a marketing agency and I am set to earn £275,000 this year, but it varies depending on contracts we secure etc.

My husband gets a performance related bonus each year and this tends to go straight into his pension, or investments.

we have circa £750k equity in our home and a remaining mortgage of about £750k. Repayments are £4,135 a month.

We have both had considerable inheritances from great grandparents. My husband’s was around £2.5 million, mine was about £1m. These were originally in trust and we continued the investments and financial advice past age 25, and they’re generally growing healthily.

ideally I would stay on at my company in a sort of remote boss role, drawing a salary and dividends but not working. But anxiety is holding me back and I don’t know why. We’ve become very comfortable and save/invest a lot. The idea of losing that, even just for 5 years, terrifies me.

Thank you 🩷 it can, but I’m worried about stepping back. It’s just a horrible feeling all around. I know a lot of people say it’s got to get worse before it gets better when it comes to working through trauma but I’m finding this process horrible

If it's about mental health and not finances then why throw all the numbers at us?

Because numbers are a huge thing I focus on

Yes, it's called bragging. Even with anxiety, you know your income will sustain you.

You've had some really solid advice so far but, if you are feeling vulnerable and anxious already, please consider taking your post down. I can see you were genuinely asking for help, and that you need support, but can you imagine how this might read to the many women on MN who are struggling financially, and the responses you might get? If you are not in a good place to be able to handle this, then I'd follow the advice given for alternative ways of discussing your concerns more privately. Remember these threads are open, public access. All the best with your pregnancy and I hope you find the peace of mind you are looking for.

No, it’s called a whole host of mental health issues stemming from my brother dying in a car crash I was also involved in when I was 17. But thank you for your horrible
comments.

I gave up work to be with my babies, in part because I was barely breaking even after childcare costs and also because my child wasn't happy in nursery. It was the best choice for our family but evert day I worry about money evert month is a struggle. Enjoy your kids and chuck us a spare million?

Can you start reducing you hours/taking a step back now?

I mean, don't wait until you are forced to because you have had your babies, do it whilst you have some control of it. You've potentially got 20 odd weeks to slowly disconnect yourself slightly. You can do a gradual handover to trusted staff and when the time comes, it might feel like less of a challenge to "let go".

This is a good idea. I was essentially signed off for two weeks, told to stop working because of my mental health. So I’m in a phased return back and I’m not enjoying it at all.

It really isn’t the OP has been on other threads and it is all part of trauma and control issues

Thank you. I lost control of my life at 17 and I’ve fought everyday for the last decade to have a sense of control over all of it

Come on love, theres some people on here struggling to feed their kids everyday and you're sitting on a fortune.

Your problem is anxiety and (understandable) fear of not being in control, not money 🙂are you having any therapy specifically for antenatal anxiety? It sounds like you’ve achieved a huge amount as an adult after a difficult early life - with the right support, you’ll be able to relax and enjoy that! You’re in a position to throw money at the problem - perhaps consider high-level CBT in addition to your existing therapy?

Probably better speaking to your GP

Is there any rational reason why you want to have a career break until they're all in school?

It doesn’t come across as that though. It comes across as bragging about your wealth status.
You don’t want to work? Fine, pack your job in!

I have a good friend who is in a similar position to you, not as wealthy but extremely comfortable, children are grown and their futures secure. She is at retirement age, works like a demon and wants to take better care of health but without sacrificing financial security or social status.

I'll say to you what I said to her: what is it all for? Once you have secured a home, a pension and enough to give your kids a good start in life, what else is it that you think you're buying? My guess is a sense of safety in the world, but money can't protect you from cancer, environmental destruction or nuclear bombs? On the other hand, think of what you are buying for your kids by investing time in them in the early years.

Also: be flexible. You might hate being a SAHM. Your dh may lose his job. You may decide you miss your job too much and you'd all be better off with a great nanny.

You've had a life of making the 'right' choices, from choosing the right parents onwards. That may have left with you perfectionist tendencies, and a fear of not being fully in control of your destiny. Some therapy may help you unpick this?

Yes. It’s incessant! I had to have sharp words eventually after one horror story too many. Here’s another story for balance. My twins were born at 38.5 weeks. They were, and are, perfectly healthy. They weren’t twice as hard as one newborn. They both slept and grew well. Yes it was hard, but my mum helped, and dad, and when they couldn’t, I hired someone in to help me a few hours a day. Because I could. You can, too.

That makes sense completely of the what you said the worse thing to happen to you would be because making it something you have control of means you can prevent it from happening

I think its because you're viewing it as losing money. No one wants to lose money. I think you may need support refraining it. It's not money being taken off you but rather an opportunity to look after your kids the way you want to.

Also I suspect your outgoings are huge - a £4k mortgage with bills etc even for your husbands salary is substantial. I wonder if you are from a poor background and struggle with accepting these outgoings?

On the other hand is there a way to work part time and pay for a nanny?

Thank you. Everyone seems to delight in saying how awful it is and it’s just killing me

It isn’t! I mean, the last bit of pregnancy was a killer but my abiding memory is the night before my babies were born, I woke up to them having a little party in my tummy. I lay there and smiled to myself in the darkness, just feeling them wriggling about. I thought I must remember this. These are my last babies, I won’t ever feel this again.

Two newborns are hard, sure, but remember the little moments of joy. Don’t let your anxiety rob you of that. Good luck.

Honestly the thought of letting it all go terrifies me. I’ve worked for years to build my life to exactly how I wanted it, I lost control years ago and I never want to again.

That sounds amazing and has made me tear up a little!

Goodness, I made the decision to do this with considerably less financial security (although I had a ‘Big Job’ and my husband has a bigger one…). I’ll never look back though - in fact, I’m sad this chapter of my life is coming to an end in the next couple of years. I would do it again without a moment’s second thought.

All the best.