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Original poster

Just married finance advice

76 replies

Sunflowerinmygarden · 01/05/2025 22:07

Good evening
I'm new to mumsnet and would like some advice on marriage and finance.
I just got married a few weeks ago which was lovely and just perfect etc. I don't live with my husband yet his house is only a two bedroom, no parking and he lives with his daughter who is 17. My husband has a mortgage and owns his house, whereas I rent a very small house which is only 2 bedroom very cramped with my 13 year old daughter lives with me.

I have been claiming Universal credit for 5 years and also work.
I told them I'm married as and have to show them my marriage certificate, which is fine, and I'm happy to do this, as they said I can claim as a single claimant even though I'm married, as we can't live together.
What's really upsetting is I don't like being on Universal credit and having to reply on help, I can't expect my husband to pay my rent and his mortgage, so I have no choice but to claim as my earnings are too low.
Is there another solution to this nightmare as I only see my husband 3 nights a week and we really miss each other. I'm 46 and he's 55.
Please help x

OP posts:
safira · 01/05/2025 22:13

Well presumably you need to move to a 3 bed house, either by buying together or renting if you can't afford to buy. How could you think that getting married without discussing this was a good idea?!

Original poster
Sunflowerinmygarden · 01/05/2025 22:18

Evening Safria

Thanks for replying.
We have had many conversations about him buying a bigger house but his daughter needs security and to stay where she is, he doesn't want to disrupt her life.
It's a tricky one xx

OP posts:
helpwillalwayscometothosethatneedit · 02/05/2025 07:19

Does your husband work? What are his wages? Could you both afford a bigger house?

Original poster
Sunflowerinmygarden · 02/05/2025 08:07

My husband has his own business as a graphic designer and works from home, his mortgage is quite big and the payments are large each month about £1300. He has about 15 years left.
He earns about £40k on average a year.
He has said he can't move his daughter and it's her home and she won't like the disruption, which I understand. She is very homely and doesn't go far.
Feels like we are stuck between a rock a hard place xx

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 02/05/2025 09:08

Do you work? ETA, sorry, I see you do. Can you increase your wage / hours? That's the only way to increase income and reduce reliance on benefits.

What was the plan you discussed with him? Wait for his DD to move on before living together?

CalypsoCuthbertson · 02/05/2025 09:13

You’ve committed to each other in marriage but he won’t commit to setting up home with you and working through the change with his daughter? Just seems a bit odd. Are you happy with this? I’d be a bit wary about getting in any deeper full stop tbh.

Original poster
Sunflowerinmygarden · 02/05/2025 09:26

I do work full time but on national minimum wage.
He stays with me twice a week and I stay at his once a week. His daughter is off to university in September but he needs to keep his house running for when his daughter comes home.
He thought about turning his property into an airbnb, and then moving into mine, but he hasn't got the money to do his house up, plus he would need to keep his daughters bedroom available for when she comes home.
I have no storage no garage no room for a shed, there's no room for him to live with me to cramped. Xx

OP posts:
shalamakooky · 02/05/2025 09:28

Is there any compromise that he is making for you now that you are his wife?

what else has he suggested if he doesn’t want to move?

Namechangetheyarewatching · 02/05/2025 09:44

Just why?!

Why didn't you sort all this out before you married this selfish fucker

Outnumbered99 · 02/05/2025 10:37

Seems odd you have wound up in this situation, but what about extending his house to provide an extra bedroom? Does he actually want to live with you- i feel like he could have done before now if he really wanted to, i have a homely teen too but she could move a couple of miles or whatever into another home- you are married for goodness sake not a casual fling he's been seeing a couple of weeks

ThejoyofNC · 02/05/2025 10:40

Did you spend money on a wedding when you can't even get a house together?

CalypsoCuthbertson · 02/05/2025 10:54

But what do you want, OP?

arethereanyleftatall · 02/05/2025 11:04

How can there be a solution to not living together when he has clearly stated he won’t move and it’s too small for you all? There isn’t a solution is there. Either you all move in to a bigger house or you don’t. He can’t simultaneously not move and move.

Mumofteenandtween · 02/05/2025 11:39

I guess once his daughter goes to university then he will be able to stay over at yours more often. Would that improve things? Other than that the extension is the best suggestion I have seen (or can think of)!

I guess 10 years from now both girls will have left home and you can live together. Maybe even sooner than that.

Paulettamcgee · 02/05/2025 12:09

What can you do to help improve this situation? You said you don't like being on universal credit and relying on help so how can you bring in more income? This isn't all on your husband as you also have a child to accommodate.

Pennyswimsplash · 02/05/2025 17:43

I’m shocked that you got married without discussing all of this first. If you don’t want to rely on benefits, you need to get a job that pays enough to keep you and your son. Also does your son‘s father contribute?

Chonk · 02/05/2025 18:10

It's a bit dramatic to call this a nightmare. You're both adequately housed, your finances haven't worsened and you see each other several times a week.

angela1952 · 02/05/2025 18:20

Sunflowerinmygarden · 02/05/2025 09:26

I do work full time but on national minimum wage.
He stays with me twice a week and I stay at his once a week. His daughter is off to university in September but he needs to keep his house running for when his daughter comes home.
He thought about turning his property into an airbnb, and then moving into mine, but he hasn't got the money to do his house up, plus he would need to keep his daughters bedroom available for when she comes home.
I have no storage no garage no room for a shed, there's no room for him to live with me to cramped. Xx

If she's going off to university I hardly think that she should be bothered by coming back to a different house. Does she have mental health problems?

BooneyBeautiful · 02/05/2025 18:22

May I ask why you decided to get married, even though you knew you couldn't live together for the foreseeable future? Is there any particular advantage to you being married in these circumstances?

TwoBlueFish · 02/05/2025 18:24

It seems strange that you married without a clear plan for joining households. At what point will he consider moving? When his daughter finishes Uni, when she gets a job? That’s several years away. I can understand if your respective children are finishing an education stage (A levels, GCSE’s) that you don’t want to disturb them but otherwise surely things change when you marry. Do the 2 girls get on? Has he got a dining room at his house that could be a bedroom? Does he have a loft space that could be converted so you could all live together?

Holdonforsummer · 02/05/2025 18:26

i don’t mean to be harsh but I am wondering what the point of getting married was if you don’t have plans to combine your lives? It seems an awful lot is being done to accommodate the 17 year old (even after she goes off to uni) and nothing done to accommodate you!

MoominMai · 02/05/2025 18:35

Sunflowerinmygarden · 01/05/2025 22:18

Evening Safria

Thanks for replying.
We have had many conversations about him buying a bigger house but his daughter needs security and to stay where she is, he doesn't want to disrupt her life.
It's a tricky one xx

I appreciate his daughter needs security and I assume as she’s a homebody that the uni will be local that she’s going to in Sep. However, surely that doesn’t prevent you both from searching for something larger but still in or around your current area. Even if it’s a doer-upper, as long as it’s large enough fir you to at least be together would be better than your current situation.

Newmeagain · 02/05/2025 18:37

This is not really a money problem is it?

user2848502016 · 02/05/2025 18:40

Can’t he airbnb his house when his daughter goes to uni but not accept bookings when she’s home for holidays and stay there with her then, but spend the rest of the time at yours? Depending on how much you charge airbnbs don’t have to be fancy, I have stayed in some that were definitely someone’s home that they lived in part time. They just need to be clean and clutter free.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 02/05/2025 18:42

It doesn’t really sound like you are in a ‘nightmare’, you’ve chosen and planned to marry a man and live in separate homes presumably until at least one of your children leaves home. So why is it suddenly a nightmare? Reframe it as temporary until one or both kids leave home. Hopefully in 5 years things will be different. Can you increase how much you earn?