How much personal allowance would you take to be a SAHM?

[DonutEnvy]

Assuming all bills are paid from the joint acc, you have young kids, and DH works full time and saves abit every month, how much disposable income would you want to have in order to not work and be a SAHM instead?

My DH would rather I not work as we have 2 kids under 3, but in order for me to enjoy being a SAHM and not being too frugal, I wanted around £4/500 disposable income a month which he can’t provide yet. The money would be for me and kids as fun money and so I have suggested to work part time so I can obtain that myself but he feels I will be stretching myself too thin and should be happy with a tight budget until the kids start school.

I wouldn’t be a SAHM unless was enough income to allow £500 per month each (your DH should have the same amount as you), also enough to add to savings each month and for a family holiday each year.

I wouldn't want an allowance but full access to all family money.

What would you need to cover with the 'fun' money? Does it cover clothes, hair, kids' activities, having a coffee out? What about joint socialising with your husband? Holidays?

Also you need money out into a pension for you otherwise you’ll lose out on that too by not working.

Did you post this yesterday as well?

I'm a SAHM and I don't have a budget. I spend what I want to.

The only acceptable allowance is no allowance IMO. Doesn’t mean we have endless money, but unlimited access to what we do have.

I wouldn’t become a SAHM because my DH wanted me to, end of. And I certainly wouldn’t do it without full access to a joint account which all earnings go into.

You'll only be stretched too thin if he's intending to do absolutely fuck all. Assuming he does something around the house and with the kids it'll be fine.

Didn’t you post this the other day?

If he hasn’t got the £500 you want spare, then he can’t give you £500 a month ‘fun money’.

So either you:

• get a job, share the cost for childcare, ensure you’re an extra £500pcm up a month to make it worthwhile
• stay at home, but accept there won’t be spare money for spending on ‘fun things’.

We have roughly £400 left, but that's after taking some of our "spare money" for DS nursery fees (not entitled to funding as a SAHM, but want him to experience it.) So we pay all bills, have a separate account for house shopping, nursery fees, car and petrol, and putting small amount away. Then roughly £400 to play with. That's just for me and DC to do activities/days out and travel during the week! Works great for us, always enough money. Me and my wife also have separate little personal spends accounts that normally have around £100/200 in at a time, just for our own little bits.

I wouldn’t be a sahm if I had an “allowance”. Yikes.

I am a divorcing sham and we have a joint bank account, I would not be happy to have an allowance, it wouldn’t make me feel like a partnership.

At the very least you need £2,880 to put into a pension - even that isn’t necessarily enough for a good pension.

My DH would rather I not work as we have 2 kids under 3

That instantly gets my back up, as does his aversion to you even working part-tim. Why does he think your career is so pick-up-and-put-downable? Why isn't his? If you've had 2 kids under 3, this must've been part of the decision-making and it really should be more shared, not just he wants xyz but can't afford it so you suck it up. In answer to your question, I'd want to keep working to stay in the job market and have a mix of childcare and work outside the home, and allowance-wise, I'd want access to the joint account and to be trusted and treated like an adult to make my own decisons, not given a set amount of spending money from mr (not quite enough of a) breadwinner. If you want to be a full-time SAHM and he can fund that sufficiently, that'd be your choice, but as you've vaunted working and he can't afford for you not to, then I'd worry less about what he wants and thinks and keep control of your own time, money and career.

I stayed home for eight years and the idea of having an allowance never entered my head. I had a credit card on my husbands account which I used for the food shopping, things for my daughter, and, very rarely, clothes for me. My husband was obviously paying all the bills during the years I wasn’t working so I certainly wouldn’t have expected him to subsidise me any more than the absolute essentials. When I had my daughter, I made it clear that me staying at home until she at least started school was completely non negotiable, and he was happy with that. We moved house when I was six months pregnant, to our current house which was semi derelict, to the point where I had to stay with my mum for three weeks while we had a bathroom installed. Money was very very short, and we didn’t have a holiday for several years, no new cars, very few clothes etc, but we agreed it was worth it for our daughter to spend her early years with me. The idea of having my own allowance of £400 per month during that time is just bizarre!

Why are you making suggestions about working? Did he suggest him working to you to see if you’d agree?

Any word of allowance and I wouldn't be a SAHM.

I would want to have the same discretionary spend for myself that my DH did, separate from money spent on the DC, and an appropriate contribution to my pension comparable to what it would be if I worked.

We could never have afforded that though, and tbh I wouldn’t have wanted to sacrifice my career, a decision that has paid off dividends as I now earn double what DH does, when previously I was on slightly less than him.

To be a SAHM the following would be non-negotiable for me:
*joint access to all funds & main bank accounts in both your names. Decisions over finances are joint and you both have an equal say (also reliant on you both being on the mortgage as equals)
*he pays into a pension for you that is equal to his
*he doesn't use you being home as an excuse to contribute nothing to the household (other than money)
*you work if you want to
*set times where he is responsible for the kids and your time is your own - he has no say over what you do with this.

Another one for don't get sucked into an 'allowance'. I was on £350 a month which was supposed to be 50% of any remaining money after bills. Turned out he hadn't mentioned the other £4000 a month he was earning which I had no access to. He didn't save any of it. It got frittered away on his expensive hobby and memberships.

Unless you have complete financial transparency, you could be signing up for pocket money as a reward for no job but doing all the grunt work (that enables his career) and basically being the lesser partner in the marriage.

To be fair to OP I think she means budget as opposed to allowance. If we didn't have enough money on one wage to do the hols we want, the extra curriculars and general lifestyle then I would work. As it is DH and I have our own discretionary fund and budget for other nice things too which makes being a SAHM nicer.

I wouldn't be in a situation where my finances where solely at the whim of another person's generosity/employment status.
I'd imagine if your partner is earning a lot then you'd have a good amount to use for yourself? But if he started claiming he's giving you less, what could you do about it? Other than get a job or divorce him.

As an adult I wouldn't be expecting pocket money as you have described. If you both have a mature and sensible attitide to money and you are going to be not earning for a while it should be possible to manage money from a joint account without being doled out pocket money like a child.

Your DH would rather you didn't work. Do you want to work?

Or this a situation, which I read all the time on MN, where if you worked your wages would be solely responsible for paying childcare costs so it's not worthwhile because you will have little/no money left?

I have full access to all accounts and investments. We both have a personal budget of £1000 a month. Mine is in a personal account, DH’s is in a joint account.

I have £650 a month, but also full access to all other money as and when I want it.
The allowance as such just means that if I want to spend on something for DH he doesn’t need to know what I’ve bought so it’s still a surprise and he also doesn’t need to know how many seeds I buy or bits for the house he wouldn’t be bothered about buying!

I wouldn’t be a stay at home mum full stop , no matter the allowance amount, not for the money but for the independence, purpose, socialising , divorce etc.
9 out of the 10 working parent will at some point become resentful .