How much personal allowance would you take to be a SAHM?

[DonutEnvy]

Assuming all bills are paid from the joint acc, you have young kids, and DH works full time and saves abit every month, how much disposable income would you want to have in order to not work and be a SAHM instead?

My DH would rather I not work as we have 2 kids under 3, but in order for me to enjoy being a SAHM and not being too frugal, I wanted around £4/500 disposable income a month which he can’t provide yet. The money would be for me and kids as fun money and so I have suggested to work part time so I can obtain that myself but he feels I will be stretching myself too thin and should be happy with a tight budget until the kids start school.

How tight is the budget he is proposing?

My DC loved nursery and looked forward to going everyday. I was part time so they were never in a full long day though. Surely there is a balance? Be careful about your DH expectations as you as a SAHM too. My DH loved his kids and would take them as soon as he walked in the door to spend time with them he never made me feel I had to compensate for being part time.

What is his motivation for you not working at all and being a SAHM?

If you need to have a budget then you don’t have enough money to comfortably enjoy being a sahm.

Speaking as a sahm

I can’t think of any circumstances where I would be a SAHM or reliant on someone else’s money.

I had a career break for four years (nursing)until my Dds went to school and l had access to the joint account and spent what l liked within reason of course.

I didn’t find I really needed any money to enjoy being a stay at home mum. Parks and picnics are free, and I had my child benefit for things like swimming, soft play etc.

Your dh sounds like he’s stuck in the 1950s - being married to a guy with such old fashioned attitudes would make me even more determined to work.

I agree with all of this except the pension bit. If your taxable income is zero and your spouse* is in full time work, then paying anything into your pension is likely be be a very tax inefficient decision. Because to get tax relief you have to be paying income tax. Better to pay it all into your spouse’s pension, get the tax relief, and if you ever split up then you get half in the divorce settlement.

*Obviously this advice doesn’t apply to unmarried partners. In that situation you should absolutely pay into your own pension. But also probably not agree to be a SAHP.

ETA I’ve just learned there’s a small allowance for non-earners. But not much.

No budget, full access to all the money

@pompey38 the working parent has no right to become resentful, the SAH parent is working too.
OP I would do it on basically no extra budget when the kids are v small because I would rather just do free stuff than leave them, and DH felt the same. The free & v cheap stuff is often more fun with really little ones anyway..

That's presuming you do mean extra budget and not allowance. All our money has always been shared.

Husbands giving their wives "allowances" is a form of financial abuse. There's no "his money" and "her money" in a marriage (bar legacies held in separate accounts and a small personal "fuck off fund" in case you find out he's been cheating), just "family money". Big purchases should be discussed beforehand and smaller ones, by either partner, are up for challenge.

I wouldn't take kindly to DH saying he'd rather I not work.

I'd never be a SAHM for any amount of money if it involved financially relying on someone else.

I had 500$ per month and this paid for clothes /shoes/ coats/ hair makeup/ personal care/ gifts for my family/ licensure fees/ restaurant bills/ anything remotely resembling a “girls night out” and any charitable donations which honestly were absolutely part of our lives back then. It wasn’t enough some
months. Don’t listen to @Growlybear83. You will need money plain and simple money to spend at your own discretion in addition to him paying all bills all holidays and funding pensions savings and kids uni funds. Think it’s too much….add up full time nanny and housekeeper and see what that will cost him. Now if you are happy putting all your needs new things entertainment etc on hold until you go back to work in 5 to 6 yrs or so then maybe you can get by with nothing like @Growlybear83

We don’t get child benefit (well we do, but I opt out rather than having to pay it back) and I don’t want to spend all winter in the park having picnics. I want to be able to spend my days doing fun things the kids would enjoy without feeling like we have to just do whatever is free, rather than what they actually want to do. I think it also depends on how much you spend on yourself. I have 2 school aged children and 1 child who goes to the childminder 2 days per week so on those days I actually like to do things for myself, and I don’t think that’s unfair. Or free! My husband works away 3 days a week so the rest of my time is very full on. I’d hate to be on a budget which didn’t allow me to enjoy my time off, I’d rather work and give myself the ability to enjoy my time off.

I’m currently a SAHM to a 6 and 2 YO. I have an allowance as such of £500 PM but this is just what my husband gives me each month as fun money to do what I like with the kids. I use it for days out, softplay, coffees out etc with the children. I still have full access to all other money in the family. All wages into the joint account that I use to do food shopping etc. We also add to joint savings and children’s savings each month so definitely don’t feel like I’ve been put on a budget by my husband. I see it more as money I’m given without feeling guilty about spending to do as I want with. It works for us so I think it all depends on what you would be expected to use this money for and if you would feel like it would be a struggle to buy everything you want/need with this.

I can't wrap my head around all the premises of this question.

Are the children yours and his?

Why isn't this a back-and-forth conversation between the two of you? Why is either of you telling the other how things will be?

Your marriage sounds like an adversarial, negotiated relationship rather than a partnership of equals.

I’d want access to family money. I’m not a SAHM but work part time. I have as much access to family money as DH with everything being split. We work on £250 each personal spends each month but sometimes it’s more, sometimes less and we use joint acct for days out and spends for kids

My time at home with my daughter was full of fun and we spent countless hours on the floor playing with her toys, reading, and drawing, which is what she wanted to do most of the time. And no, we didn’t spend each day in the park in the winter months 🙄. I was fortunate enough that we could scrape by with me being at home full time, and I certainly didn’t expect my husband to subsidise me any more than was absolutely necessary. I saw raising my daughter as a full time job for the first five years, albeit the most important and enjoyable one I’ve ever done. I had no time away from her until she went to school, and saw no need for time on my own. Things are very different now, but during those years, I spent very very little on myself, because we didn’t have the money for me to do so as any spare money went towards the cost of our house renovations. But I wouldn’t change any of it and it was worth all the scrimping and saving to be able to be at home with my daughter full time.

I'm a SAHM, I don't get an allowance. We have a joint account and I spend what I want. It sounds like you've worked out what you need and his salary isn't going to cover it. I would find it very weird to get an allowance, and find it weird that people who are married with children would have separate finances.

This. I am a SAHM. I don't have an allowance: the money my DH makes is family money. We have a joint account and that's it: fun and necessary comes from the same place. We try to budget though, so we do agree in how much to spend.

Calling it an allowance doesn’t sit right with me.

saying that there needs to be 1000 of discretionary spending in the family budget each month feels better. I put it that way because I would not want all child fun money going on mine and DH free to spend on himself.

plus in our household we tend to give and take casually. He splurges, I splurge, and we don’t keep track to closely as long as we both get a turn

No allowance. I want to be in charge of the joint account and he put his wages into the joint account directly. Basically in charge if the family finance. I would then make sure after savings and investments, any spare money is split in half. I would not agree to have a smaller share.

I would also want money paid into a private SIPP pension, matching my current level of contribution by me and my company. This also needs to allow for promotions, so maybe increase at the same rate as the contributions to his pension.

Both parties get half of all the money. It has nothing to do with who earns it. You certainly don't get a bloody allowance!

If he wants a SAHP, why doesn't he become a SAHD while you go out to work full time. He will no doubt be able to manage on a tight budget.

I wouldn't be staying at home because someone else wanted me to, no matter how much they paid me.

Not really helpful, if there isn't enough money to spend as you want to then it's not affordable to be a SAHM.