Help

[Slsjhn]

So I'm on maternity getting smp, partner works full time, we get some uc and child benefit, since being on maternity my partner keeps saying I'm bringing nothing to the table, that I should get a better job and stop depending on him, we have 4 children. If we argue he says I'm bipolar (im not) he says this when I finally lose my shit... and i should get out of his house that he pays for every month, I've worked since leaving school whilst he's only worked for the past 2 years.. am I being a sponge??

You may be better asking for this to be moved to the Relationships board rather than Money matters. Your issue is your relationship with your partner primarily.

I think you need some serious help OP. The BP stuff looks like gaslighting to me.

Are all 4 kids his?

Bloody hell OP, you are in a tricky situation there.
4 kids and not married?
Your partner sounds awful but its going to be very hard for you to leave him and presumably its his house so you may have no claim on it at all and in theory he CAN make you move out.

Yeah all the kids are his over the past 13 years, I just feel like he's trying to push me constantly it's hard to be a parent and put up with this shit at the same time

No not married been together 13 years but also says if he throws me out the kids stay with him and I won't see them, so this obviously scares the life out of me

I very much doubt he wants to parent 4 kids, especially one so young.
However I think you do need to try and make plans to leave if thats at all possible rather than put up with this abuse.

Do you have access to funds? I would probably try to squirrel away a small amount of money so that you are in a position to leave him and get yourself another place. He won't stop doing this now.

I bet he was sponging off you before he started his job. Why wasn't he working?

He looked after the kids so apparently he didn't need to work, he knows exactly how much money I get it goes into his bank and I don't have anything after bills I'm only recieveing 728 pound smp each month, I get cb and uc but that's not my money either apparently it sounds ridiculous as I type

So he is the SAHP?
Even more complicated as you may be liable for maintenance and he will get residency.
I think you need legal advice OP

No he's not now he goes out to work full time he was forced to get a job as our youngest started school but now I have a 4 month old I'm the stay home parent

If you aren't allowed to have any of that money you are being financially abused.

Does the CB go into your account?

No absolutely no payments go into my bank

You're in an abusive relationship. He's financially controlling you and emotionally abusing you.

Luckily you have a job. You need to leave and should call the council housing department first thing tomorrow morning. Here is some information on housing.

You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation to get advice on leaving safely. Your council can tell you who to contact.

Here's information on financial abuse. There's a helpline you can call.

I've thought this alot of times but when I say it he accuses me of needing a doctor and that it runs in my family ect ect then he will be lovely as can be until next time, I can't go to the council last time I had a council property he didn't help with the rent (he had a gambling problem at the time) which put me In arrears and sadly I lost our home this was going back 10 years we only had one child at this point, so unfortunately I cant go down that route it would cost me thousands to take a private let I don't want any hassle I just want to leave, have some independence and peace but it's so so complicated it's no wonder people feel like there's only one way out sometimes

@Slsjhn I'm not sure that what happened ten years ago will automatically stop you being housed by the Council now. Talk to Shelter about housing and to organisations concerned with financial and/or domestic abuse about how to get away.

If you have to take a private let UC will help with the rent.

Hi OP,

We're sorry to see that you're experiencing this. Would you like us to move this to our Relationships board for you as you may receive more responses and support there.

Contact the council and discuss it with them. You have the details for Shelter if you have any questions on your rights. The council can put you in contact with the local domestic abuse team.

Thankyou 😊

speak to women's aid - and in the meantime change CB and UC to pay into your own account. He is a gaslighting abusive prick. And a gambler too. What a prince

You are in an abusive relationship, but I think you know this already. Try to get help from outside agencies. He can't stop you seeing your children so please don't worry about that. He is a toxic abusive man and has probably crossed the line as regards coercive and controlling behaviour. Please contact Women's Aid and see what can be done for you and the kids.

Hi can anyone help me of where to turn if I'm struggling for food, baby milk ect please?
I'm currently on maternity I have 4 girls and I'm really struggling, I don't really have much support as my parents passed away when I aas younger, obviously I know there's food banks out there but my girls won't eat soups ect they're just little and don't understand that sometimes it's all I have

It would be better if you started your own thread about this and say where you are so people can try and signpost you to local help.

Hi Slsjhn,

We've compiled some useful links posted by Mumsnetters into a financial issues webguide, so that people experiencing difficulties can find all the relevant information in one place - we hope that it's useful for you.