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Original poster

I can’t afford to live

76 replies

Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:01

Just that really . I’m feeling extremely depressed over it and I can’t see anyway my life is going to get better . Basically I spend 14 years bringing up my 3 kids for my relationship to then break down . I did a degree and had kids straight away so always did low paid minimum wage jobs so my partner could get a career basically ( I was the main childcare provider) my degree is useless as it’s an art degree and where I live I can’t get anything in the field plus I have 3 kids youngest one is a toddler and primary school ages kids . Ex kept the house and bought me out but half my money went on personal debt plus he kept all the contents so I had to buy everything new again (even tho I had no extra money for this ? Just half the equity) and I’ve almost spend the other half just to get by every month for the last couple years . I live in a council house , I have no family as parents passed away so no support network really . I’m limited to what I can work as I have to pick up kids three days a week from school as well as take them to school 4 days a week as he can’t do it due to his job so I’m really tied . I have them half and half with him so only have every other weekend off but even on weekends off I have to take one child to rugby on Saturdays and one to football Sundays etc as the both play the same time at different places . I’m so down about the fact I’m almost 40 with a shitty minimum wage job ( I can only work a couple days due to child commitments) I’m more upset how rubbish my future looks , I have no career, no house etc and I feel like it will just get worse . I spoke to citizens advice as I can’t even afford to heat my home anymore …and I’m more upset again as she worked out just to cover my basics for living compared to my income etc I’m actually £80 under every month 😣 I’m worried now as all my savings will be gone soon and then what ? No xmas gifts , no birthdays , no days out ( hardly doing that anyway ) but what a shit sad life . I just feel hopeless . I want to study to do nursing or something but it seems impossible due to no funding or time or support with children. How do I commit to anything

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 10/02/2025 22:08

You've got a council.house for life. when your dc are older you can study for your nursing degree. Things will get better.

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:10

RedHelenB · 10/02/2025 22:08

You've got a council.house for life. when your dc are older you can study for your nursing degree. Things will get better.

I’m really grateful for my house don’t get me wrong . It’s just when they do get older I will loose all my benefits. How will I afford to study nursing then ? I can’t get any funding as I already have a student loan etc plus I would be on placements etc that are unpaid ? I won’t be able to afford to do it surely ?

OP posts:
ChaosAndToast · 10/02/2025 22:12

At the moment (not sure if that will change in the future) you can get a second student loan that will pay for the course and maintenance for nursing and medical degrees.

Octavia64 · 10/02/2025 22:14

If you have a council house you are better off than many - it's a secure tenancy.

Can you look at other ways to improve your income? Does the children's school have breakfast clubs or after school clubs? If so then potentially they could go to these.

Your children will get older and as they get older you are less tied to them.

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:14

ChaosAndToast · 10/02/2025 22:12

At the moment (not sure if that will change in the future) you can get a second student loan that will pay for the course and maintenance for nursing and medical degrees.

Really ? Oh I had no idea . I spoke to a lady from the job centre and she said I wouldn’t get anything . Thank you , I’ll try phoning about to find out properly

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 10/02/2025 22:15

If your ex has 50/50?custody he should be doing school runs on his days not you or else he should arrange and pay for a child minder. And on his weekends he must look after DC's himself., You presumably get no maintenance so it's ridiculous you should be doing more than half the childcare, I would go back to.court and get this sorted out. You have got a poor deal.

ChaosAndToast · 10/02/2025 22:17

You also get an NHS bursary thing - completely forgot what it's called but with that and maximum student loan it worked out at the equivalent of £27k a year so don't give up on that dream - sorry no advice for the meantime but hopefully someone more knowledgeable and helpful comes along.

YourChirpyFatball · 10/02/2025 22:18

I think you need to take the additional pressure off yourself by worrying about the future. Try to give yourself a break and it sounds like you have enough to contend with right now. Three little kids and working. You deserve a pat on the back for coping with all that. It is very tough when they are young. Practically though are you able to find help from a foodbank or community pantry? This might help free up some money. I hope you feel better soon. Also Spring is around the corner. This awful weather would challenge even the most optimistic person!!

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:20

Octavia64 · 10/02/2025 22:14

If you have a council house you are better off than many - it's a secure tenancy.

Can you look at other ways to improve your income? Does the children's school have breakfast clubs or after school clubs? If so then potentially they could go to these.

Your children will get older and as they get older you are less tied to them.

Thank you . It’s the actual jobs that I keep seeing posted . It’s so hard to find anything 9-5 week days etc . Most of them want weekend availability and evenings etc so it’s really difficult to find anything suitable . I just want to build something better for the future but it’s so bloody hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:22

Viviennemary · 10/02/2025 22:15

If your ex has 50/50?custody he should be doing school runs on his days not you or else he should arrange and pay for a child minder. And on his weekends he must look after DC's himself., You presumably get no maintenance so it's ridiculous you should be doing more than half the childcare, I would go back to.court and get this sorted out. You have got a poor deal.

Hi thank you . We have no court order etc . We are very amicable. He helps me with the kids too when it’s my weekends to have them by taking them to football etc so it works well both ways . With school runs I think I need to chat to him about a school run thing .

OP posts:
Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:23

ChaosAndToast · 10/02/2025 22:17

You also get an NHS bursary thing - completely forgot what it's called but with that and maximum student loan it worked out at the equivalent of £27k a year so don't give up on that dream - sorry no advice for the meantime but hopefully someone more knowledgeable and helpful comes along.

Aw that’s given me a lot of hope . Thank you I had no idea about it but I’ll look into it !

OP posts:
Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:26

YourChirpyFatball · 10/02/2025 22:18

I think you need to take the additional pressure off yourself by worrying about the future. Try to give yourself a break and it sounds like you have enough to contend with right now. Three little kids and working. You deserve a pat on the back for coping with all that. It is very tough when they are young. Practically though are you able to find help from a foodbank or community pantry? This might help free up some money. I hope you feel better soon. Also Spring is around the corner. This awful weather would challenge even the most optimistic person!!

Aw thank you so much that actually made me emotional. I’ve had a really bad couple of years with losing both my parents on top of everything . I have spoken to citizens advise and they are going to sort out the food bank for me yes . Hopefully that will help as I spend a fortune on food . X

OP posts:
summer3219 · 10/02/2025 22:26

If he has 50:50 then he needs to do 50% of drop offs and pick ups, or pay a childminder if he can't. This would enable you to look for more hours / longer days / overtime. He can't have it both ways, he should be either taking 50% of the responsibility or paying maintenance.

Floralnomad · 10/02/2025 22:29

Your ex can’t say he’s having the kids 50/50 if you are still dealing with them on his days , be that weekends or school runs . You need to have an amicable chat with him and say that when you were together you didn’t mind doing the grunt work whilst he had his career but now you need to find a career so he needs to step up and deal with his kids on his 50% . Or you get more custody and he pays accordingly - his choice . Stop being a doormat for this man .

anonhop · 10/02/2025 22:30

Could you train to be an art teacher? The PGCE would just be one year. I think there is a £10k bursary (tax free, don't need to pay back) on top of about £12-13k maintenance student loan so about £22-23k to live on for the year.

Then after 1 year, you'd be on about £32k starting salary (more in south east). I know hours aren't great, but you'd have the holidays off & on your wages could hopefully afford childcare for your 50% of the time during term time.

As PP said, I think nursing is funded even if you have a previous degree. I think that's 3 years though whereas this could change your situation significantly in 1 year.

Maybe when the kids are older you could do nursing anyway!!

anonhop · 10/02/2025 22:31

& just to add, that's £22-23k take home (equivalent of earning about £29k!)

November10000 · 10/02/2025 22:36

if you have spent 14 years bringing up your children you must have a 14 year old? Can he/she help with some childcare to make life easier?

EwwSprouts · 10/02/2025 22:36

As PP said something to think about. https://getintoteaching.education.gov.uk/life-as-a-teacher/explore-subjects/art-and-design

Food banks often have other bits so do ask if they have toiletries, sanitary products and washing powder.

ShyMaryEllen · 10/02/2025 22:40

There are civil service jobs where a degree will get you in at a higher level whatever it's in. Also, might you fancy teaching the subject? You can train to do that free. The pay isn't great, but it's not awful and teaching can fit reasonably well around family life.

You are in a much better position than many, as you have a degree, and obviously have the staying power and determination to get it. That shows that you are very employable, and outside of the employer's view of you it means that you have the mental capacity to get ahead. You will be ok.

Having small kids is tough. Even with a supportive husband it is tough. You will be ok. You have youth on your side, and you are brighter than average and capable of turning up and getting through a degree.

You will be ok. Hang on in there.

TiredArse · 10/02/2025 22:41

You could also look into nursing apprenticeships? As then you receive a salary to train.

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:47

anonhop · 10/02/2025 22:30

Could you train to be an art teacher? The PGCE would just be one year. I think there is a £10k bursary (tax free, don't need to pay back) on top of about £12-13k maintenance student loan so about £22-23k to live on for the year.

Then after 1 year, you'd be on about £32k starting salary (more in south east). I know hours aren't great, but you'd have the holidays off & on your wages could hopefully afford childcare for your 50% of the time during term time.

As PP said, I think nursing is funded even if you have a previous degree. I think that's 3 years though whereas this could change your situation significantly in 1 year.

Maybe when the kids are older you could do nursing anyway!!

Aw that’s a great idea too …I’ll definitely look into this thank you . I just had no idea about funding or anything so I’ve always put things off tbh x

OP posts:
OldChairMan · 10/02/2025 22:49

I bet he's amicable while you're picking up some of his 50% childcare. He's using your time for free.

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 10/02/2025 22:50

November10000 · 10/02/2025 22:36

if you have spent 14 years bringing up your children you must have a 14 year old? Can he/she help with some childcare to make life easier?

Hahah sorry that was a typo ! I was typing too fast to realise … I meant 11 years !

OP posts:
Longhotsummers · 10/02/2025 22:54

Don’t give up - you’ve had a LOT going on so must be emotionally exhausted. There are some great suggestions here and I hope they’ll give you the lift you need to take small steps to a more secure future. Good luck.

AnAntisocialButterfly · 10/02/2025 22:59

There are career change/mature study threads on here.

I'm not trying to put you off nursing, but I assume once qualified there will be lots of shift work, how would that align with your childcare commitments? Maybe something like occupational therapy or SALT would be better?

Or something not healthcare related at all, like IT? Lots of different entry routes, some of them more apprenticeship-like or self-taught.

Maybe start a thread on the work board and see what people suggest?
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Retraining changed my lifestyle.