I can’t afford to live

[Meeemeee88]

Just that really . I’m feeling extremely depressed over it and I can’t see anyway my life is going to get better . Basically I spend 14 years bringing up my 3 kids for my relationship to then break down . I did a degree and had kids straight away so always did low paid minimum wage jobs so my partner could get a career basically ( I was the main childcare provider) my degree is useless as it’s an art degree and where I live I can’t get anything in the field plus I have 3 kids youngest one is a toddler and primary school ages kids . Ex kept the house and bought me out but half my money went on personal debt plus he kept all the contents so I had to buy everything new again (even tho I had no extra money for this ? Just half the equity) and I’ve almost spend the other half just to get by every month for the last couple years . I live in a council house , I have no family as parents passed away so no support network really . I’m limited to what I can work as I have to pick up kids three days a week from school as well as take them to school 4 days a week as he can’t do it due to his job so I’m really tied . I have them half and half with him so only have every other weekend off but even on weekends off I have to take one child to rugby on Saturdays and one to football Sundays etc as the both play the same time at different places . I’m so down about the fact I’m almost 40 with a shitty minimum wage job ( I can only work a couple days due to child commitments) I’m more upset how rubbish my future looks , I have no career, no house etc and I feel like it will just get worse . I spoke to citizens advice as I can’t even afford to heat my home anymore …and I’m more upset again as she worked out just to cover my basics for living compared to my income etc I’m actually £80 under every month 😣 I’m worried now as all my savings will be gone soon and then what ? No xmas gifts , no birthdays , no days out ( hardly doing that anyway ) but what a shit sad life . I just feel hopeless . I want to study to do nursing or something but it seems impossible due to no funding or time or support with children. How do I commit to anything

Geez your ex really screwed you over didn't he?

Make sure the DCs know he's why you all suffer.

I think teaching would fit in much better as a single parent than nurse training , it will be hard work but the hours are better . Seriously though you aren’t 40 yet , loads of time to make a good life for your family but don’t let this man keep using you .

You've probably spent enough time justifying everything thats wrong with your life, rather than everything thats positive about your life.

From your initial post, i can think of a few:

• You are a mum to three children - something i'm sure you are incredibly proud of.

• You live in a council house, that's a secure tenancy. There are millions of people who rent and could be served an evicition notice at any time.

• You have a degree - that's better than most people.

• You are only 40, that's still young. You have plenty of time to re-train. Plenty of time to determine what it is you want to do for the rest of your life.

There's always an answer to everything. You just have to figure out what that answer is.

The only thing holding you back is your negative thoughts. Why not reverse the negative thinking and replace with positivity. Afterall, Its the positive mind that will actually get you out of this situation.

Think about what you want your job to look like Shifts vs regular hours, is the option to WFH important? What courses and training routes are actually available to you practically without moving, what jobs are in demand and pay what you need them to etc.

If everything is 50:50 any child care costs should also be 50:50. I hope you are not still looking after the children on his days.

Breakfast and after school clubs with uc funding then work full time. Get your ex doing his share asap.

I agree with this. It sounds like all your thinking is on a negative spiral.

It may.be worth looking at counselling or coaching to reframe your thinking. You have a lot going for you. A stable house and 50/50 childcare with your ex. Children you still get to see on your ex's weekend (even if it's taking them to hobbies). And it sounds like you have a house full of new furniture which I definitely didn't have as a single mum, in fact even now we still have the 2nd hand furniture as I always seem to find something else we need instead.

The PGCE sounds like a good plan, only one year to build on your degree and turn it into a well paid career. There are also some routes to teaching where you can be paid as you learn I believe although I don't know much about them (just saw some adverts at my children's school)

I was homeless with two preschoolers and no help or maintenance from my ex. After a manic decade of juggling (and working late into the night when the children were asleep) my life was completely transformed and I had a senior career and was a homeowner (and I had plenty of fun with the children along the way). Start finding solutions not obstacles. If you really are amicable with your ex ( not just keeping the peace with him) then all the better as hopefully he can help out where needed to enable you to juggle.

What about becoming an art therapist?

Or teaching art at a further Ed college? You only need a degree to teach there and they will send you to get your PGCE (FE). Lecturers in FE also get the school holidays off

You can get most of your childcare covered by UC so you can work full time. Register with agencies and you should have lots of office jobs on offer. It’s a start and will get something on your cv and give you some extra money. At this point, you can have plans for a career but just need to get any full-time work to tide you over and get you some experience and an up-to-date reference.

You can check this link to see if there is a baby bank near you. They can usually help with children’s clothes, nappies, toiletries.
babybankalliance.org/baby-bank-map/

The Tories got rid of that. It resulted in fewer Nurses being trained. I’m not aware that was reversed.

I can see how grim it must feel to use your savings each month and worry that’s chipping away at your ability to invest in training etc long term. I do think getting your ex to do his share of pick ups and drop offs would help a lot here - for 50 50 he should be doing 5 a week and he’s only doing 3. If he does the other 2 as he should, then I think that would allow you to work an extra 2-3 hours a week which at min wage (if you can find the work?) should be enough to fix the £80 black hole. I know it’s not a career plan for the long term but it might help with finances right now.

Your ex needs to pay for them to go to wrap around care if you can’t afford to, especially on his days as working married couples who are together have to do as a minimum.
It gets easier as they get older most children go to school themselves y5/6.

If you have pre school kids, then a charity called Homestart might be able to help. You can self refer.
https://www.home-start.org.uk/

Well that is unfortunate as that is the one line of your post which would help you move forward a bit quicker!
On the positive in 3 years you will have one so my advice still stands.

It Sounds like 50/50 isn’t working for you, could you change to every other weekend and he pays you some maintenance? Otherwise insist it really is 50/50 so you can find a job the same hours he does.

Agree with this. At the moment he's having his cake and eating it

OP, some of this is the depression talking. Your ex really does have to take care of the kids half of the time.

As you have a degree, have you thought about training to be an art therapist. It is a masters course. It would combine your interest in nursing/caring with your degree. On NHS band six, salaries start at 39K. As you are an alumna of your university, you probably are eligible to use their career services office…they can help you with looking for suitable jobs/training, writing a c.v., etc.

Agree with PP I would look into some Allied Heath careers

My friend did a degree in respiratory physiology, she works 8-4 M-F, an assistant role was about 24k, she's now on 27k and she's getting a funded MSc now and the next step is 34k. This is all in 3 years since she graduated. There's OT as well so if she wants more money she'll work a Saturday.

There's loads of good careers in health that involve working directly with patients that aren't shift work & good for people with children.

Are there nursing apprenticeships? So you get paid while you learn? Not sure but worth looking into. What are doing right now? I know it's tough work but some care work might put you in good stead for going into nursing if that's what you want to do. Having care experience would probably be something really good to talk about on a CV/ at an interview for nursing and there are often jobs in care going, round here i know there is bank work so you just do whatever hours you can.
You might not be able to do exactly what you want to right now but start getting things in place ready for the future. You have loads of options OP, you just need to be more positive and plan for the future.

@StrikeAlways it's not the bursery you're thinking of, it's the nhs learning fund which is still available.

You’re facilitating him to work by doing his school runs on his days; he kept all the house contents; he doesn’t pay you CSA because he does 50% (except he doesn’t).

Fuck that.

Tell him you’re destitute and cannot afford to feed his children. tell him: You are either returning to work full time and will be putting his kids in full time year round daycare and insisting he does 50% of the childcare and bears 50% of the childcare costs including all their clothes and wrap around, holiday clubs and nursery fees, as well as 50% of their costs (food, clothes, etc) with one month’s notice from
now

OR
he pays you child support and backdates a lump sum to recognise how unfair it has become

”amicable” - of course he is! It’s all stacked in his favour

Honestly thank you all so much this has really been great advice!! I’m really thinking about doing a teaching qualification to teach ART now 😊😊 I’ve got loads of experience working in the field aswell as my degree . Plus as it’s only a year long course this means I have some time to wait until my youngest starts school etc which is only next year when she’s 3 with help of wrap around. I really can’t complain about the Ex tbf , he really does help me out a lot with the kids too , he always offers to have them when it’s my time like if I can get extra shifts etc , he pays for a lot of the the things the kids need ( more than me actually) i think maybe I’m just in that fustrating time of my life ( having a toddler to work around etc ) plus I have no actual family support of my own but I’m doing the best I can even though it’s hard . I do have so much to be thankful for and a lot of you are right … I’m looking at all the negatives when in fact I have it so much better than most . I think this is just a bit of a tough phase and that’s all it is but I will get there and I will make a better life with my family .

Hi yes I did look into art therapy but the nearest university that offers the course is almost two hours away from me 🫣