Adding me to mortgage with credit card debt.

[flipflop76]

We are thinking of moving house this year and my husband wants to add me to the mortgage. Our current house is in his name and we've been here 11 years. I wasn't on the mortgage when we bought it as he's the main breadwinner and I had a couple of defaults with a year left on my credit file. I'd had some debt issues in my 20s but paid it all off on a debt management plan which was settled about 10 years ago now. He earns about 6 x my salary so will be the one paying the new mortgage but just wants my name on the deeds etc.

I'm really scared to tell my husband I've got £1.5k on my credit card. It built up over time and I've been doing minimum repayments. I feel sick at the thought of him finding out as I'll have to tell him when we apply for the mortgage. I won't be paying towards the mortgage though. My credit rating is good at 926, it's just this credit card amount. He's so good with money and has never had debt. I feel so ashamed. I guess I'll have to declare this credit card amount when we apply? Not sure what the form asks. We are staying with the same lender.

You need to talk to him and work out a household budget that recognises your non financial contribution, ie childcare, plus likely cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin etc.

Tell him he needs to pay your debt off, and that you want a say in how much is saved each month and that the amounts going into savings and pensions are equal between you. Also that you want more personal spending money. If he doesn't want the same, he can save his instead, although for what, I don't know.

Point out that if you earned more by working more, he'd need to do a lot more at home.

This he should frankly be ashamed that his wife sacrificed her career to look after his child and the amount he gave her was not enough to live off and she had to get a credit card she was frightened to tell him about.

OP of course he doesn’t have money issues he earns an awful lot more than you

what is it with all these marriages and not sharing finances

Thank you both. Really appreciate the responses. To be fair he does pretty much all the cleaning and domestic tasks as he's a bit of a clean freak. But yes, I've obviously done more child care and that kind of thing. I suppose I feel guilty about not paying towards the mortgage and bills but I contribute in other ways.

You need to switch your attitude before talking to him. It's not a confession or something you should be ashamed of. The 'pocket money' 🤮 he's been giving you doesn't cover costs therefore you've needed to use a credit card to bankroll those family costs.
He might be really sensible with money, and that's a good thing in itself, but it does sound like it's edged into him controlling money and that is financial abuse. You saying 'he genuinely didn't see that there was anything I'd really need to be spending it on while a sahm' rang alarm bells. Did he just think you'd be sitting at home in the dark, wearing a sack? Further alarm bells that you're scared of telling him this. Is he abusive in other ways?

Do you have access to the savings etc? Do you know how much there is, and what it’s for? E.g. holidays, home improvements, emergency fund? When I hear about Jen giving their wives or partners an allowance, I always feel it’s a bit of a red flag. Do you not have a joint account with a debit card?

*men, not Jen. No idea who she is!

Exactly this. As a couple, you are wasting money on interest that you probably don't need to. I would be more cross about that than the debt.

Talk to him. Get it paid off before the app. Work out how you will communicate in future if you don't have enough to cover your outgoings.

He's a gentle guy, I just feel shame about the money stuff, probably going back to my debts in my 20s.
I do have a salary now as I work 3 days a week and although it's not a patch on his, I guess it should be enough to manage and save a bit. I've probably spent too much on incidentals, skin care and coffee etc. Haircuts are expensive!

I don't have access but I could if I asked. He does show me his money spreadsheets. I think I've just put my head in the sand.

Sounds to me like you are being financially abused. I was the 6 figure earner in my (ex) marriage. Believe it or not I handed almost all my salary over to him as he said that I wasnt good with money. There was no joint account, it was all his! Sounds crazy but over time you just get used to it. I retained a small amount - coincidently £250, but that was never enough to cover my travel to work, expenses and things for our child. He would be very strict on what she could have, and I used to supplement. I ended up spending £3000 on my credit card by the time we split (he left me for someone else). As it turns out I wasnt bad with money, and i have far more now than I ever had (I appreciate that i am in a privileged position in this respect). My point is - you are married, each person in my opinion should be equal. In my relationship now, we have a joint account and all our money goes into it, and all bills etc come out, and we have the exact same 'play money'. I earn more, but he does more in the house etc. That's equal. It feels to me that you are being controlled, no matter how 'nice' you think he is. It's not normal to be scared to raise things or be forced to spend on credit cards.

Also to add, if you are married, it wont be viewed as 'his money' or 'your money' if you were to split. It's all the same money.

This would be a good time for a fresh financial start. You’ve incurred a relatively small amount of debt because your salary isn’t enough to cover what is needed. There is likely more than enough in savings to clear that debt in an instant (Im guessing you know this to be the case if he’s shown you the spreadsheets?). Under your circumstances as a married couple, it isn’t unreasonable to ask to do exactly that, and to pool your finances into a joint account with equal access. Same with the savings. And yes, get your name on the mortgage.

You have to tell him. It is perfectly reasonable to struggle after having a child as your income takes a hit. Paying minimums is not a the way to go. Tell your husband, point out the reason he earns 6 X what you do is because you bear the brunt of childcare for his child. Ask him what he wants to do so you can arrange to pay off this card together. He is not better with money, he just has more of it so easy to stay out of debt than when income restricted.

Thank you again, these responses have been so helpful. I can't concentrate today for worrying so I'll try and bring it up tonight or tomorrow but I feel sick as feel like been deceitful.

Are his money spreadsheets realistic for what YOU need

you need to tell him but also say that you cannot live off this

Do you talk about serious issues like money?

Almost identical situation here. The small cc debt is the least of your worries.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/5270917-dh-and-money-how-can-i-get-through-to-him-that-young-children-are-expensive

I've told him as i felt so stressed. He was calm but quite shocked. Haven't said the exact amount yet but will talk more once little one is in bed. Scared to say how much. Feel really awful like I've disappointed him and been 'bad'. I know that sounds quite child like though.

So don't approach it like a child who's scared of telling their parents they failed a test. Approach it like the adult of equal value and standing in the relationship that you are.
You've used that card because he is hoarding the family's incoming money, yes money he mainly earns but that he earns because you facilitate that by working part time.
Again though, if you are scared of him, people here can help.

What is the actual dynamic it comes across as being an unequal one throughout.

stop feeling bad - HE is as responsible for this for not being the partner you need as much as you are

Yes good points to think about, thank you. I feel like I'm cringing inside. He spends no money on himself whatsoever, just £5 a month on a game app on his phone - no leisure money or clothes buying.
He did say his initial reaction was wtf but then realised there must be a reason on his side why I can't talk to him about stuff like this.
He did say about my spending and how he feels like with what I earn each month (and he pays the mortgage and bills), he can't understand why I run out. Obviously the cc built up in the years I wasn't working which I did say. I'm going through my last statements to see where it's all going. I know I am a bit careless but have nothing to hide about what I spend. I just wish he spent more on himself as it's so unequal. All of his money goes on mortgage, bills, home stuff and savings.
Dreading the full talk later. Earlier was when our little one was around but I had to just blurt it out.

I think you need a chat about incomings and outgoings and include some spending money for clothes going out etc be a partnership together

I'm the main earner in my marriage - when DH did have a job we had spending money of £800 a month each. Your OH earns more than my OH and I earnt put together. £250 is a ridiculously low amount a month if there is actually lots more coming in!

People focusing on the period when OP had no money coming in and got a small allowance when things have moved on.
I don’t agree this is financial abuse from anything the OP has said.

It’s more a deep incompatibility on spending and attitude to money. OP sounds far more ‘normal’ and the DH sounds extreme.

Just because he gets joy from seeing money accumulate he shouldn’t assume she must have the same attitude. Him being the higher earner doesn’t give him all the power.

OP you need to help him understand that your spending is reasonable. That people sometimes have a coffee when they’re out and get their joy from life from a little spending.

He may feel worried and out of control. You may decide between you that some of your spending isn’t justified. What does your PT salary cover? Am sure it’s not just hair and coffees. Most mothers spend on the children, petrol, days out. As a family it’s good to have a budget that you BOTH agree.

What is he saving for?

If you have been making the minimum payments reliably then it's not a problem, having a debt isn't a problem if you aren't defaulting on payments.

£1,500 is nothing on the scale of a mortgage. Adding an extra £1,500 to the mortgage anount to clear it would barely add £5 to the monthly repayments, much cheaper than keeping it on credit card terms.

You and DH should be keeping all money as shared. Him being so wealthy and you just scraping by and accumulating debt is not a partnership, it's borderline abusive. A married couple is a unit, a team, you share.