Adding me to mortgage with credit card debt.

[flipflop76]

We are thinking of moving house this year and my husband wants to add me to the mortgage. Our current house is in his name and we've been here 11 years. I wasn't on the mortgage when we bought it as he's the main breadwinner and I had a couple of defaults with a year left on my credit file. I'd had some debt issues in my 20s but paid it all off on a debt management plan which was settled about 10 years ago now. He earns about 6 x my salary so will be the one paying the new mortgage but just wants my name on the deeds etc.

I'm really scared to tell my husband I've got £1.5k on my credit card. It built up over time and I've been doing minimum repayments. I feel sick at the thought of him finding out as I'll have to tell him when we apply for the mortgage. I won't be paying towards the mortgage though. My credit rating is good at 926, it's just this credit card amount. He's so good with money and has never had debt. I feel so ashamed. I guess I'll have to declare this credit card amount when we apply? Not sure what the form asks. We are staying with the same lender.

OP’s DH does sound a bit controlling although not sure he is financially abusive.

OP, if I understand this correctly your DH pays the mortgage and all bills? The remainder of his money goes into savings for the entire family and he spends virtually nothing on himself. You could access/see the amount of these savings if you wanted to but haven’t really looked into the family finances as you’ve buried your head in the sand (your words)?

You work 3 days a week and your DH is puzzled as to why your salary isn’t sufficient for your needs. What do you pay for? If you are expected to cover childcare costs, household bills etc then clearly your DH is unreasonable as he earns 5x your salary. However if your salary is for you to spend on yourself alone then I can kind of see his point of view (unless you are wages are extremely low).

The £250 a month allowance when you were on mat leave was low. Did you say anything about this at the time? If not, why? You say he is a gentle man so presumably you were not scared to speak up. Or were you? Since that is when your debt on the CC accrued then you need to use the family savings to clear it.

Finally, I suggest you become less passive about finances and sit down with your DH and have a proper conversation about how money is spent and saved in your household. You’ve allowed him to set up spreadsheets, savings and dictate this, that and the other. Meanwhile you have been worrying yourself sick over a relatively small amount of debt, your comments read like a scared child afraid to tell their parent about something they’ve done run and the dynamic in your marriage seems very unhealthy.

By the sounds of it he could pay off the £1500 and the end of this month (and imo he should).

Whatever his salary is being spent on it sounds very unequal and you'd be best to have a conversation with him about evening that up. Lovely that he is saving loads, overpaying mortgage etc but not if that means one of you is living in hardship.

What are you paying for from your salary? Hopefully it's not all the child related costs childcare etc? Tbh if not I'd struggle a bit to see why you can't live within your means.

£250 a month was ridiculous by the way.

Thank you again for all your replies. I just thought I'd update since Monday. So he has paid off the balance of the cc and I'm going to close the account. He asked for peace of mind that I show him my online banking so that he can see the balance as zero which I have done.
Since then, he's been quiet with me and I feel really bad about keeping it from him for all this time. I'm worried now that he doesn't trust me and this will really affect our relationship. He's not ignoring me and we're still talking but there's a distance. We normally get each other valentines cards each year but he didn't think year and when I hugged him today, he didn't really reciprocate. Not sure whether the intended house move is still on! Having any kind of deep conversations is hard as he struggles with that sort of thing and doesn't show emotions.
I do feel we are quite different in approach to finances. We said we could have a joint account but even then, when he says about what I could keep back from mine, I feel a loss of control. He genuinely doesn't think I need to spend much. He did grow up in a household where money was scarce.
Feeling quite sad and low to be honest. I'm sure it'll blow over.
Re what I paid for out of my salary, I think I am guilty of spending too much on my own stuff but I was paying for childminder, my car payments, my daughter's activities and some food, bday presents, cards and other misc things like that as well as my counselling.

@flipflop76 glad that the debt has been paid off.

With a fair and equitable setup, you and he should have equal flexibility for spending on yourself, equal control of and power to withdraw from savings, and any spending on the kids is a separate and equally-shared category, not something that reduces your own financial flexibility.

I don't think closing the account was very sensible though. The debt you had in your name will actually have boosted your credit score as you paid the minimum every month and every time you honour a financial contract and abide by its rules you get points added. Having a small amount of reliable expenditure on a credit card (eg buying your monthly petrol) and paying off the balance in full every month would give you a healthy credit score with no additional expenditure. Him wanting to ensure you shut the account down looks like controlling financial abuse.

Half of those things you said you spent on were not just for you to pay for! Please don't feel guilty for it, I am not a spender and really careful with money but what you were expected to survive on was way too low.

I am sorry he is treating you this way and I hope he can recognise that he is being unreasonable. There needs to be a balance between saving and enjoying what you earn, after all you may not be here to enjoy your savings in the future!

There is a big difference between being sensible and good and leaving you with no personal discretionary money - I would personally want money pooling with equal spending money after a certain amount into savings

You sound so browbeaten and ground down. Why are you accepting this treatment? You deserve much, much better than this. He’s treating you like a child.

OP, I’m seeing a lot of red flags here regarding his behaviour. He’s not got you a valentine’s card and is being generally cool with you since you told him? I think it’s entirely understandable at this point, as to why you weren’t keen on telling him in the first place. You built up a debt because he was giving you an allowance (like we give children!) which didn’t cover the costs you were trying to cover. Of course he should pay it off, and actually should be apologetic that you put in that position in the first place. Do you now have full access to the family finances?

You're not an equal in this relationship. He pays for mortgage and bill things with his big salary and you pay for child things with your far smaller salary - with no assessment for what this actually means in real terms for you. You've taken a hit on your earnings to care for your joint child whilst his life hasn't been affected. And now he's giving you the silent treatment. He sounds like a bullying, sexist twat.