Moving in to look after parents

[Moneypitminefield]

Feeling a little lost working out the best thing to do and where to go for advice.

Do to my own previous health conditions and circumstances I live in a HA secure tenancy flat as a single parent with 1 DS living with me. DS is in year 10. I now work full time from home.

My parents still live in my childhood home some distance away, which is in need of repairs (upstairs is inefficiently heated off a coal fire back boiler, no double glazing!). The whole house needs re-wiring, part of the roof needs work and it will likely need bathroom adaptations in the near future if they stay. They both now have health conditions and are only just coping. Neither of them want to move and want to stay where they are until it becomes impossible. We are also in agreement that they are beyond the point of moving now as they would likely quickly deteriorate. They want me to look at moving in with them to provide care, and so that when one of them dies the other is not alone and between me and the remaining parent we could afford to run the house between us, which neither of them would be able to do on their own. Without me there, the death of either one looks to be really quite traumatic for the remaining one as neither would cope on their own. There is an amount of equity left in the property (approx £70,000) which could be released to make improvements.

This isn't a huge budget for the total amount of work needed to the whole property, but I do think we could look at converting their double garage and another room into a self contained annexe that would be suitable and safe for them for the remainder of their time. I could make do in the old part of the house, in the same way they have been doing for the past couple of decades.

Obviously this would likely be the best decision for them, but I am worried about me and DS and the upheaval to our lives and whether I'm sleepwalking into disaster. Primarily as he will be in his exam year from September, so a move of school would not be great timing. The benefit to him would be that with no care costs through me providing care, means he and I would likely inherit at some stage. I worry about his future as it is, as I have nothing to pass on to him and neither does his father. Is this grabby? Or a situation that works fairly for everyone?

Is it awful of me to consider him moving in with his dad (who is a good dad and has him 50:50 anyway) and I just see him at weekends until he finishes school and can decide what he wants to do next? I'm running myself ragged as it is with keep going up and down to my parents and trying to work full time as it is, so I'm not sure I'd be any less available to him than I am now tbh.

I've no clue either about home ownership, inheritance, care costs etc if either of my parents need nursing care. I need help thinking this all through and proper advice, but not sure where to go - I'm assuming a financial adviser wouldn't be interested in helping as there is no money to invest in anything right now, other than back into the house?

Any thoughts/suggestions greatly appreciated. Just want to find the right thing to do for everyone.

Totally agree with this

I have a friend who has given up everything to care for her mum with dementia. She is a qualified nurse as well. Even she has realised that she needs help and has another carer to take shifts with. And that's looking after one parent with dementia, not two and also parenting a teen.

She also, sorry to say, literally looks 20-30 years older than she and I both are. The last time I met up with her, I almost didn't recognise her. It's taken a huge toll on her.

Wow.

are you a professional carer OP? Did you intend to become your parents carer? They could live another 40 years! Are you willing to make this your life?

Gosh, don't do this. It will be detrimental to your relationship with your son (guaranteed), your work will suffer (you will be unable to continue to work and care) and your secure tenancy will vanish. Your own health will suffer. Your friends will disappear. You will be at their beck and call 24/7.

Take a step back, stop running backwards and forwards (albeit there'll be a struggle with guilty feelings). Tell them you cannot do this.

Once you get further down the track and get to the point of having carers going in please do not even mention this thought to the assesors!

Put on your own oxygen mask, support your son at home and continue to work. Figure out what you can do for your parents without stretching yourself.

Literally zero pros for you in this. It is worrying that you think there are - is it difficult for you to be objective when it comes to your parents more generally?

They've signed part of the house over for equity release and want to mortgage the other part to maintain the property, so what would you be inheriting exactly?

If they can get out now and move in somewhere manageable it might not be too late for that to work. Even if they have to rent that's better than living in a death trap with a coal back boiler. How are they getting the coal into the house just now?

To me, that presumed 'benefit' is the key problem. However strong the intention of caring for someone in a home environment until the end, it can very quickly become impossible, especially where there is dementia. People suffering from this can star to do all sorts of things, like wandering around the house in the night (and possibly getting out), turning on appliances like cookers, and/or becoming violent.
For the safety of all concerned (not just the aged person), residential care can suddenly become unavoidable, and years before the sufferer actually dies. I have seen this happen to close relatives who dearly loved their mother and always swore that they would never put her into care.

Until they witness dementia for themselves, most people (me too until I saw how it affected people close to me) picture a confused old person sitting quietly in a chair, needing little more than waiting on hand and foot. Believe me, in most cases that is so far from the reality.
You are obviously a kind person to want to care for your parents but please don't go into this lightly, putting your own and and your son's future well-being at risk.

No way I would give up my HA secure tenancy flat and leave in my parents' house with my kid.
What happens then they either need too much care for you to provide or die?

How would you manage this whilst working FT too? Think about how you'd cope with the possible situation where one or both of them become incontinent, unable to walk, unable to bathe themselves. The physical challenges of dealing with that is massive! It would be a 24 hours a day job.
If the house is owned jointly, then they’d likely not get anymore equity release as one of them has diagnosed dementia so may be considered to not have capacity to make that decision.
If one parent has to go into care, then they’d likely house will not have to be sold to pay for their fees, but their income will be taken into account, meaning the remaining parent will have a reduced income to live off.
At the end of the day, nobody is entitled to an inheritance, and putting yourself and your DS through what may well turn out to be a very stressful few years seems madness.

I think your priority should be keeping your HA housing and having completely stability for your DS as he comes up to GCSEs etc. He could feel a bit abandoned by you if you go to your parents' home and he goes to his Dad.

The renovation doesn't seem worth it, 70k for converting a garage/etc to make room for you - but the house seems in a very bad state of disrepair and no double glazing or central heating would be freezing! I know we used to live like this, but if you are not used to it then it's tough to go back to.

We used my parent's money for my Mum to go to a care home after she passed away. Don't discount this option, yes it takes money but actually my Mum was a lot happier than being with us! It doesn't always work out when family members look after each other and it can be utterly relentless.

Adding to the other replies strongly advising against it (which raise very valid points), I would suggest you look at the Elderly Parents board for more reasons why this is not a good idea, beyond the financial implications.

Your parents desire to stay in their own home is simply not a good enough reason for you to sacrifice your own security or relationship with your son. What sacrifice will they make to meet you half way? My sister in law cared for her parents in similar circumstances and the physical and psychological damage from lifting, carrying and wiping has really limited her own quality of life.

Don't do it. 70K will go in a flash if one of your parents needs care for end stage dementia. I know you said you feel they shouldn't move and I don't know if it would effect benefits if they're on any, but the house could be sold and the money used to subsidise private rental of a flat or bungalow near you. I don't think a care home can force a sale while there's a surviving spouse in the house, but once both parents are gone they can recoup those costs. You'll be giving up on secure housing for a possible inheritance that you may never get.

@Moneypitminefield is the house fully paid for. your post is not clear? are any monies due on it or has equity been released? are you the only child who would inherit?? this is a major decision. would your name go on the lease to protect your future?

This is an awful idea. They’re already running you ragged and you don’t live with them, it’ll be worse once you move in. I’m sure your son doesn’t want the upheaval moving him in Year 10.
In regards to you moving in and if they need to sell their house and fund their care, you would need to move out.
Don’t do it.

You have said a couple of times you think they will deteriorate if moved. But they are deteriorating now. The house sounds completely unsuitable. Moving them to an annexe after having building work for 3-6months is also going to be a change.

I think you are looking at this wrong. They don't want to move but having somewhere suitable, with no stairs, no heating worries, carers etc will make a huge positive impact.

Do not do this. I don't think I'd forgive my parent for abandoning me at GCSEs to care for my grandparents. They are selfish to even ask.

No No and No

The strongest argument I can put to you to give you a shake is to ask would you ask/expect your son to leave his teenage child and see them onky at the weekends in order to move in with you and care for you? Horrendous thought. The same applies for making him leave his friends and school to live in an old wreck of a house in a new area with 90 year old grandparents dominating his home life.

Your parents no longer get out much or integrate into their community much (I assume). Their house is in desperate need of modernisation. If anyone moves it should be them. If they are not interested in moving that is their choice and a care plan would have to consider that their relatives are not nearby.

You have a secure tenancy in a home that is maintained by the housing association. You want to give that up to live in a cold single glazed/ poorly heated/ dodgy electrics house and care for your parents. One of whom could easily live to 100.

Look at over 55 housing near you and show your parents the possibilities. If they choose not to move that's up to them. I am horrified at the thought my own child would trash their family life and quality of life to care for me.

I was going to say 'No, don't even consider doing this' even before you shared their ages.
Seriously, please don't do this.

Talk to Age UK for advice, but it can't include this vague plan of moving in, building an annexe (still not clear where the money is coming for for that? But also don't think you have thought about the impact on your parents of having building work for months ?).

You say there are pros and cons to different thoughts, but I can't see any positives to you giving up your home, moving away from your son, getting to a position where you probably won't be able to work due to the increased hours of care work, to live in a house that isn't really fit to live in, with building work that you can't afford going on.

Absolutely this. If they can't cope they need to sell the house and go somewhere more suitable.

This sounds like a really dangerous thing for you to do and I don't think you should.

If they do equity release to make the repairs needed to their home this will mean you will be homeless when the 2nd parent dies at which point you will have surrendered your secure tenancy and will have no inheritance. Equity release is fine in situations where no inheritance is needed or expected but you would be left extremely vulnerable by this plan.

I think you should stay put in your secure tenancy and they should use what resources they have to buy in additional support until such time as their assets are below the level at which state support is triggered. If you are in your secure tenancy then there is no issue with them using up their assets in this way.

Surely if they have done equity release. You are going to be left with nothing. As the house will revert to the company that owns it. You will be homeless.

OP you would be mad to give up your own suitable, affordable, secure home to appease two elderly people who haven't bothered to plan for their own future. Stay where you are. They are already beyond the point of being able to remain living there and need to face this, not using you to kick can down the road until there's an emergency, by having you uproot your entire life to move in and provide 24/7 care (which will burn you out btw) just so they can continue ignoring reality.

Thrice no!

We had a similar situation and found a care home where DPs were able to share a large room as they had similar medical needs. DF sadly died during covid and DM then moved onto the dementia ward in the nursing wing. There was no way unless I cloned myself that I could manage a ft job, care for 2 immobile and incontinent DPs, as well as running around after 3 DC. Do I feel guilty, of course as I loved them dearly. But better to feel guilty than dead or sick myself from the stress of attempting to juggle everything!

Having cared for both parents (in their home) please, please don’t do this.
It will absolutely break you.
Once any outside agency sees a live-in carer, they pretty much back off and leave you to it.
For anyone who had been a member of this club, which is one nobody wants to join, no it’s not a privilege. It can be soul-destroying. It is 24/7, and the more you do, the more that is expected of you.
Follow the advice of previous posters.
And I know it’s really tough but please dampen this worry that if you move them, they will die, and that they need to stay in their home in order to survive. It’s narrative that causes so much damage. No they won’t want to leave.
But between them they have lived 180 years.
You have a young son and while he has a great dad, he lives with you, and you are his mum. Think far more about the damage done to him if he has to move.
And finally, please stop worrying about what you and his dad will leave him. You have many years to go, and your son needs the love and support of his mum right now rather than some legacy which isn’t needed yet.
I am sorry if I have sounded a little harsh.
But I thought it was better to be truthful.

I wouldn't even be contemplating this, you can't uproot your son, and even if you think the plan will work you may not be able to provide the care your parents may need, sometimes a team of carers is needed.

This is a vital point. Dementia can make it impossible to look after someone in their own home for all the reasons listed above. You’d have to be on call 24/7 - how will you keep your job? You could end up unemployed, out of your secure HA tenancy, with very little ‘inheritance’ if a care home is eventually needed.

The equity release is also worrying. My parents looked into this some years ago, but didn’t go ahead. When I was sorting their paperwork when we cleared the house after they’d both died, I found the equity release paperwork with an illustration of the costs, and to borrow £25k would have been nearly £100k after 15 years. If your parents have borrowed £70k, how much do they owe now?

My dad is 91. He was living at home, no carers, then he got admitted to hospital at the beginning of Dec and was discharged to my brother's house. Brother thought he could have him stay with him - they are in Scotland and carers coming in are free of charge - but within days it was clear he could not cope with the care my dad needed. A few days later dad was back in hospital.

Please don't underestimate how much care elderly people can require. It is often not doable. My mum had carers come in and give her a shower - she wouldn't have wanted me washing her and my dad felt the same re my brother.

Thanks for all the replies - I think it's a resounding no

One of those rare 100% in agreement threads!

Head firmly back on shoulders.

A social care assessment first, I hope will bring the much needed reality into what they need now, how safe their home is and what's practical in the short term, with any adaptations and care going in. If they have to sell now and whatever is left put towards their care, together hopefully, somewhere they can then remain for the rest of their days and be looked after, so be it. I've worked hard to get back to a full-time time wage, somewhere I enjoy working and where I'm supported and appreciated and both DS and I need the stability that brings. It was worth looking at, but the time for grand renovation plans is past.

Re equity - they took £50k around 10 years ago. That's up to £125K now owed. Another 50-70 now might mean they could stay there longer, safely with carers, but I guess that needs to be looked at with the LA as to whether that would be seen as deprevation of assets? Might be better to just rip the plaster off, sell and move them now, based on any social care needs identified in the assessment.