Moving in to look after parents

[Moneypitminefield]

Feeling a little lost working out the best thing to do and where to go for advice.

Do to my own previous health conditions and circumstances I live in a HA secure tenancy flat as a single parent with 1 DS living with me. DS is in year 10. I now work full time from home.

My parents still live in my childhood home some distance away, which is in need of repairs (upstairs is inefficiently heated off a coal fire back boiler, no double glazing!). The whole house needs re-wiring, part of the roof needs work and it will likely need bathroom adaptations in the near future if they stay. They both now have health conditions and are only just coping. Neither of them want to move and want to stay where they are until it becomes impossible. We are also in agreement that they are beyond the point of moving now as they would likely quickly deteriorate. They want me to look at moving in with them to provide care, and so that when one of them dies the other is not alone and between me and the remaining parent we could afford to run the house between us, which neither of them would be able to do on their own. Without me there, the death of either one looks to be really quite traumatic for the remaining one as neither would cope on their own. There is an amount of equity left in the property (approx £70,000) which could be released to make improvements.

This isn't a huge budget for the total amount of work needed to the whole property, but I do think we could look at converting their double garage and another room into a self contained annexe that would be suitable and safe for them for the remainder of their time. I could make do in the old part of the house, in the same way they have been doing for the past couple of decades.

Obviously this would likely be the best decision for them, but I am worried about me and DS and the upheaval to our lives and whether I'm sleepwalking into disaster. Primarily as he will be in his exam year from September, so a move of school would not be great timing. The benefit to him would be that with no care costs through me providing care, means he and I would likely inherit at some stage. I worry about his future as it is, as I have nothing to pass on to him and neither does his father. Is this grabby? Or a situation that works fairly for everyone?

Is it awful of me to consider him moving in with his dad (who is a good dad and has him 50:50 anyway) and I just see him at weekends until he finishes school and can decide what he wants to do next? I'm running myself ragged as it is with keep going up and down to my parents and trying to work full time as it is, so I'm not sure I'd be any less available to him than I am now tbh.

I've no clue either about home ownership, inheritance, care costs etc if either of my parents need nursing care. I need help thinking this all through and proper advice, but not sure where to go - I'm assuming a financial adviser wouldn't be interested in helping as there is no money to invest in anything right now, other than back into the house?

Any thoughts/suggestions greatly appreciated. Just want to find the right thing to do for everyone.

Re: equity. They've already taken out equity release to do some major work a few years back. They can take another £70K. I would have to sell when they both go and repay the equity. The house is on a good plot in a sought after location, so even though a money pit/total refurb job, it still has good value and there would be a half decent amount left.

Totally agree with all of this

Prioritise your DS and yourself.
The suggestion to move in with your parents is madness.
If your parents need care and can't afford it from savings/income, a charge will be put on the house.
Don't give up your flat.
I know you say they don't want to move, but why? It's a daunting prospect but they could look at renting a LA flat, specifically for older people. I think the waiting lists are much shorter. They could be nearer to you. Just move what they need.
Then clear and sell their house.
Have their remaining years in a warm, serviced property that has a layout suitable for older people.
We tried to do this with PIL but FIL died before we could get anything sorted. MIL then moved into a care home as she couldn't cope alone.
You have to be compassionate but realistic in supporting older relatives. You cannot turn yourself inside out to keep them happy.

I was dreaming that we could separate the annexe into a sperate dwelling eventually, or plot with planning permission, to fund the renovation of the other half. But with potential care costs in the running that could be back claimed from the estate, nothing seems viable in that respect.

I honestly think your DS benefits far more even just looking at it financially from a secure housing tenancy and a parent who works than £70k and a parent who will likely end up losing their job and care full time.

Far from convinced the £70k would ever materialise anyway as others have pointed out

I'm running myself ragged as it is with keep going up and down to my parents and trying to work full time as it is, so I'm not sure I'd be any less available to him than I am now tbh.

This also stuck out to me, it really doesn't have to be this way - your parents can pay for some care, it sounds like, you really don't have to do everything

I seriously think they would both deteriorate rapidly in a new environment and be at greater risks of falls etc.

Given their age and declining health you need to wary of it looking like your parents are trying to give away assets.

Please don't underestimate the burden of looking after a parent with dementia - especially when they are in the late stages. You say that you have had health problems too - you do not want to spiral down. Also 70k would not go very far if you are thinking about having a granny annex built plus all the work in updating the house. I would think very carefully before giving up your secure HA flat. Your parents may not want to move but that is very selfish of them. I would be looking to sell the house and find a small bungalow near you where you will be more on hand and with the help of some carers life could be made easier.

If they've taken equity release there may well be nothing left. Interest rates on those products are huge.

Yes, the only benefit would be that my living there means no care needed, which ultimately saves the LA any care costs.

Avoiding falls is virtually impossible. You can reduce the risks as far as you can, but unless you supervise someone 24/7 there's scope to fall. Plus it's not as if you could catch them anyway.
My MIL fell and broke her hip in the care home.

i do agree that the needs of your son and you must come above the wants of your parents. They want to stay where they are, they want you to move in to care for them.

You need to be present for your son during these exam years and you need to hold onto the certainty of the HA tenancy as well as keep your job.
If your son was with his dad more than 50:50 then surely you would need to factor paying some child maintainence to him as well as taking on a share of the bills in a bigger, older property needed work.

No OP, please don't do it. You may never get another council/HA property again or you could be forced to take something horrible. The housing situation is dire. I know very little about care fees etc but I think you could still end up selling the house to pay for them. In which case you and your son are stuffed.

WHY would you do this?
You have a son, your own life.
Just why??? 😳
Maybe I'm projecting, sorry, had abusive parents, but I would run as far as possible!!
Actually I moved to another country...

“The benefit to him would be that with no care costs through me providing care, means he and I would likely inherit at some stage”. OP@Moneypitminefield sadly the likelihood of you being able to care til death for 2 very elderly parents, one with dementia , on your own is highly unlikely. Apart from the stress of supporting anyone 24/7, generally at some stage people need 2 carers in order to give personal care and to move them. I am in awe of people who do manage to care for their elderly parents ,having worked in nhs community for a long time , but the toll this takes on some people is significant…you do need to prioritise your son, you may not have seen how unwell and distressed people with dementia can become. I would be wary of exposing a child to this who has important years ahead.

I'm considering it because I'm trying to explore every option thoroughly to make sure I'm not missing anything I'll later come to regret.

Gosh this being is so helpful to air it and stop it all rattling around in my head! Really grateful for the help in thinking it through. I think I've swung in all directions at least 3 times each this last fortnight. There are pros and cons to every option. I will chat everything through with Age Concern and arrange a social care assessment as a starter.

The equity release could potentially be very problematic for you. You need to find out exactly what they signed up to.

www.saga.co.uk/equity-release/what-happens-when-you-die?srsltid=AfmBOooyWjAt9ZtjgFYausZkmddnnlzwzI3EJaZmnZ9ajdGkhzKQxwK9

@Moneypitminefield I hate to say it but in your situation as you would be giving up a secure tenancy on the basis of the hope of one day inheriting, there are no pros for you, whereas we can all see the pros for your parents!

In your shoes I would say clearly it's something to be considered the other side of his year 11 exams. Yes, he could stay with Dad but the loss of his home with you is not to be underestimated. He will need you more during that time.
As for the rest of it. I would urge you to think really clearly.
If one parent dies, if you can care for thr other, it will save care costs coming out of any inheritance, true. Buy in reality, what if you cannot care for them? For example dementia. Many people go into care homes because normal people just cannot cope, not because they don't want to. What about bathing/incontinence etc?.
My own dmum has dementia. Fortunately we were both clear before she had it that I would not do the caring. I would help, oversee and have POA. I would rather every penny goes to care, and it certainly seems likely that is going to happen. I have a sister who literally doesn't see her for 6 months at a time so it is entirely down to me. That is a big enough burden, without all the rest of it.
If you decide you are not doing caring, that £70k will buy a lot of help and support in their own home.

Absolutely not.
What if their home needs to be sold to fund care? You could be left homelesss. Please don’t be naive and think that you can provide care yourself until they die. Especially with dementia - it becomes impossible for one person to manage someone with advancing dementia. And I mean impossible - physically, practically, mentally.
I don’t know what the answer is (other than finding a good care home) but moving in with them is not it. Best of luck.

(and as I’ve said on here before, a good care home is worth every penny of lost inheritance)

Except it doesn't save the LA care costs, because if you are not providing care for free, the LA will provide, and the LA will claim the costs back from your parents/your parents' estate. But in that scenario you will still have your job, your gold dust secure HA tenancy, and your son will have had stability through which to do his GCSEs and A levels.

Talk to Age UK. Get advice on how to organise care for your parents, paid for either by then, or the LA.

Never give up a secure tenancy for promises of inheritance.

And as someone looking after a raft of older people just now, you need your own space. Even with well-meaning dependants, it may come to the point you involve social services, etc. It can get very tricky.

@Brombat ‘a raft of older people’ really amused me. Best of luck with it all 😅 It can’t be easy!

You need to look at the sums. How much value is there in the house? You mention equity release, how much needs to be repaid and how is the interest rolling up on this? When does it need to be repaid? You may find that on second death, there is nothing left for you to inherit.

How much work needs to be done to bring the house up to code and are there sufficient funds to do this?

Until you have a full financial picture, do not give up your tenancy.

Do not underestimate how much being a live-in will impact on your life. I do this for my remaining parent and have done since 2020. It works OK for us, but I don't work and I don't have children. However, my life is very much on hold for the duration.

It is not something I would recommend without serious thought and lots of honest, frank discussions. I would also recommend you have PoA as there are financial and health/care decisions / responsibilities which would be difficult if you don't have the legal right to make them.