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Original poster

Kids dad doesn't want to help financially

53 replies

ThisOliveOP · 10/12/2024 22:40

I really need some advice or help. Am I going crazy? I have been seperated from my partner of 17 years for about 5 months now. We live separately and have 3 children together under the age of 15. I am out of work at the moment and he works full time. He believes he shouldn't be helping financially as I get help from the government and that's money for the children- which part of this is true. But I am struggling financially and whenever I keep bringing this up he has to always say why do I go out with friends if I'm struggling- which is once a month. He has the kids stay over about 3 Saturdays a month. Although this is happening he wants us to work out our relationship, but I have lost alot of respect for him as he can't provide for his kids.
He keeps telling me once he's rent and bills are paid he is left with literally nothing but past messages I have looked back on he has told me he's saving £150 a week. I have asked him about this and he's said no he's not now. It's like he's telling different things all the time. I feel stuck and then I'm thinkim if I go down the CSA route will he really be left with literally nothing

OP posts:
Sofabookhotchoc · 10/12/2024 22:42

Definitely go to CMS. Then it's resolved and he can't mess you about. Or use it as a tool to manipulate you with.

Silvertulips · 10/12/2024 22:45

Got to CMS he has to pay to help raise his kids.
They take a percentage.

The government fund the basics, he should be funding them too.

Original poster
ThisOliveOP · 10/12/2024 22:58

This is what I've wanted to do for a long time now. But to be honest I'm worried for how he will react as he can turn nasty verbally. But I do know I can't cope with this anymore. He did say after Xmas he will be able to help and pay about £40 a week. But I was told this is not enough for 3 children or should I just accept this as its better than nothing?

OP posts:
bridesmaid1024 · 10/12/2024 23:06

He is never going to willingly pay for his children.
Go to the CMS - they won't backdate so ring them tomorrow.
If he's employed PAYE it's quite simple; trickier if he's self employed .....

£40 a week lol - I get £40 a week and I have 1 child by my ex ..... go and have a look on the cms calculator
He says £40 after Christmas but I bet he won't pay it - it's another stalling tactic

ChloeCannotCanCan · 10/12/2024 23:06

Go to the CMS - he should be contributing financially to his children. Letting him get away with paying nothing so he doesn't get cross is letting him dictate what happens to the huge detriment of his children and you.

MyrtleStrumpet · 10/12/2024 23:13

He doesn't want to pay for the children. He thinks it's his money now. And it's financial abuse. He's exercising control.

One solution: CMS. Talk to them tomorrow and start your claim. It's your and the children's right. And it sounds like he's working in The Script. Full details here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Midlife crisis: this is the script! | Mumsnet

This is from the midlife forum! As my H followed this almost word for word, I thought you might find a chuckle of recognition, too. PS Women can also...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2024 23:14

You are being far too nice here op given that he isn't extending the same courtesy to you or your dc.

Of course a father should be paying for his children. Of course it leaves him with less money. That's the choice you make when you have children.

CMS definitely.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2024 23:17

Is he paying towards your rent or mortgage? If not how is he claiming he’ll having nothing left after his rent and bills?

Go via the CMS first thing tomorrow.

purpleme12 · 10/12/2024 23:19

ThisOliveOP · 10/12/2024 22:58

This is what I've wanted to do for a long time now. But to be honest I'm worried for how he will react as he can turn nasty verbally. But I do know I can't cope with this anymore. He did say after Xmas he will be able to help and pay about £40 a week. But I was told this is not enough for 3 children or should I just accept this as its better than nothing?

Edited

My child's father does the same. I've had £70 from him at the end of July and nothing since.
I can't go to CMS because it would make the relationship so much worse. But let's face it that's the only option isn't it if they're not paying.
So you've got to make the choice about if you want to go down that route or not

cestlavielife · 10/12/2024 23:22

Of course you go to cms
He gets angry so what? Just don't engage except thru official channels

Original poster
ThisOliveOP · 11/12/2024 00:08

Thank you everyone. We don't have a mortgage and are not married. It's frustrating as everytime I bring this up he says that's all I want is money like every woman! He will then break down my benefit and how I should spend it and says I should prioritise things in order to survive 😳 it's shocking the things he comes up with. But then in another conversation he would pour his heart out and say he feels less of a man as he knows he should provide for his family but can't at the moment! Its confusing

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisOliveOP · 11/12/2024 00:11

purpleme12 · 10/12/2024 23:19

My child's father does the same. I've had £70 from him at the end of July and nothing since.
I can't go to CMS because it would make the relationship so much worse. But let's face it that's the only option isn't it if they're not paying.
So you've got to make the choice about if you want to go down that route or not

Show quote history

Do you have 3 children with him too? He paid halves on their uniform in August which he constantly brings up. He also brings up things he's paid for in the past when we lived together

OP posts:
Passwordsaremynemesis · 11/12/2024 00:12

Just go to the CMS, he is never going to pay voluntarily. Who cares if it makes the relationship worse, he’s a dickhead anyway, and will remain one whether you go to the CMS or not. Your kids deserve better.

Original poster
ThisOliveOP · 11/12/2024 00:15

Passwordsaremynemesis · 11/12/2024 00:12

Just go to the CMS, he is never going to pay voluntarily. Who cares if it makes the relationship worse, he’s a dickhead anyway, and will remain one whether you go to the CMS or not. Your kids deserve better.

Thank you. If I did this tomorrow when do they contact him? Sounds silly but I wanted to get Xmas out the way so the kids have a good day with all the family no arguments

OP posts:
MyrtleStrumpet · 11/12/2024 00:20

ThisOliveOP · 11/12/2024 00:11

Do you have 3 children with him too? He paid halves on their uniform in August which he constantly brings up. He also brings up things he's paid for in the past when we lived together

Show quote history

You're posting about him as if he has a point. Of course he should pay half of the uniforms if he earns £300 to your £100 he should pay 3-1. He is pretending that he is only partially responsible for the children now that you've split up.

He's telling you how to spend your money when he won't spend his own the children..

Fine hun the opportunity tomorrow to make a fair financial offer by the end of the day Tell him you are going to the CMS if you don't hear from him by 4pm and do it.

You can probably work out what his contribution will be before then. So if he offers you less you can just go straight to them. He's playing a game to get his way.

Original poster
ThisOliveOP · 11/12/2024 00:26

MyrtleStrumpet · 11/12/2024 00:20

You're posting about him as if he has a point. Of course he should pay half of the uniforms if he earns £300 to your £100 he should pay 3-1. He is pretending that he is only partially responsible for the children now that you've split up.

He's telling you how to spend your money when he won't spend his own the children..

Fine hun the opportunity tomorrow to make a fair financial offer by the end of the day Tell him you are going to the CMS if you don't hear from him by 4pm and do it.

You can probably work out what his contribution will be before then. So if he offers you less you can just go straight to them. He's playing a game to get his way.

Show quote history

It's always been 50/50 even when I was in work and he still earning more than me it has to be 50/50.
I have worked it out on the csa calculator it shows I should be getting £90 a week off him. The last time I had a payment was 3 weeks ago of £30. He pays for our sons football which is £30 a month and our daughters school bus fare which is £30 a month and says at least he's doing that.
I just feel like him not helping I can't do much things with my kids as it's too expensive with just me dealing with it. Whenever I tell him this he would give me an alternative for example instead of taking them to legoland for example, a lil picnic in the park would do as its free and the kids would still love that

OP posts:
PlantDoctor · 11/12/2024 00:35

He doesn't get to dictate how you spend the money you have. You've worked out your children are entitled to £90 a week from their dad. You need to put in the claim for them. It's to help support your kids at the end of the day.

Original poster
ThisOliveOP · 11/12/2024 00:42

PlantDoctor · 11/12/2024 00:35

He doesn't get to dictate how you spend the money you have. You've worked out your children are entitled to £90 a week from their dad. You need to put in the claim for them. It's to help support your kids at the end of the day.

Thank you I appreciate all of this x

OP posts:
sprigatito · 11/12/2024 00:48

You need to get it clear in your mind that you are separated, and it's permanent - this means that you don't have to give a shiny shit about his moods, his temper, whether he has enough to eat - none of it is your problem any more. If he is abusive or threatens you, call the police. Don't give him the chance to tell you sob stories or bully you. Don't interact with him at all beyond the basic arrangements for contact with the children. Get onto CMS in the morning and don't feel guilty about it!

Ihadenough22 · 11/12/2024 01:43

I ring CMS 1st thing in the morning. Tell him that he left you with no other choice because he refused to be fair with you. Ask him do you want me to ring your parents and tell them about your behaviour? Better still I can ring all your friends and tell them just how your mean you are.
Ask him would he like you to turn up to his work place and ask in front of his work colleagues and his boss when is he going to give you money for his kid's Christmas present?
If he works in a office building tell him you have a good chat with the company receptionist about his meanness and everyone he works with will find this out.

PinkArt · 11/12/2024 01:52

CMS first thing tomorrow. It's what your kids deserve.
And stop having conversations with him where he can espouse his bullshit opinions. He isn't funding you, so how you spend your money is fuck all to do with him. What his money will do, when it starts to come through as CM, is fund his children, who he is equally responsible for paying for.
Christ, what sort of a cunt doesn't think he should be financially responsible for his own children. Find your anger and get this sorted - take the power back.

Gingerkittykat · 11/12/2024 03:54

Who is paying the mortgage at the moment?

I'm assuming it is him if you have no earnings but I could be wrong.

Gowlett · 11/12/2024 04:07

If your money is for the kids…
Then surely his money is also for the kids?

mnreader · 11/12/2024 04:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

UpTheMagicChristmasTree · 11/12/2024 04:23

You don't need to involve him in any conversations about it. Just do it. Go through CMS and refuse to discuss it with him at all. They are his children, he should be paying. There is no more conversation to be had.