Kids dad doesn't want to help financially

[ThisOliveOP]

I really need some advice or help. Am I going crazy? I have been seperated from my partner of 17 years for about 5 months now. We live separately and have 3 children together under the age of 15. I am out of work at the moment and he works full time. He believes he shouldn't be helping financially as I get help from the government and that's money for the children- which part of this is true. But I am struggling financially and whenever I keep bringing this up he has to always say why do I go out with friends if I'm struggling- which is once a month. He has the kids stay over about 3 Saturdays a month. Although this is happening he wants us to work out our relationship, but I have lost alot of respect for him as he can't provide for his kids.
He keeps telling me once he's rent and bills are paid he is left with literally nothing but past messages I have looked back on he has told me he's saving £150 a week. I have asked him about this and he's said no he's not now. It's like he's telling different things all the time. I feel stuck and then I'm thinkim if I go down the CSA route will he really be left with literally nothing

Many women live below the poverty line because the father of their children won’t contribute to the cost of raising them. Don’t let him guilt you into accepting nothing. Go through CMS. He might get angry, but he will just have to deal with it. If he becomes nasty get a co parenting app and only communicate through that. He is taking food from your children’s mouths.

You're still his emotional support and enabling him. Minimise contact, you can get an app for co-parenting and block him everywhere else. He can't weasel out of responsibility for his children. He either shares care 50/50 or he pays maintenance.

And then get on enjoying your lovely single life!

Who cares if he’s nasty verbally? You don’t want him back anyway! Go to CMS and fight for the life your kids deserve.

It doesn’t really matter what he thinks. He has three children. Stop engaging in conversations about it and go through the CMS.

We don't have a mortgage but living now seperately

I said this to him before and he said my moneys been given to me for free which is for the kids and his money is what he's worked hard for so can spend on what he likes

Remove yourself from this and contact the CMA.

Stop being nice to someone who isn't nice to you.

You aren't asking for the money for gin and cigarettes.

Stop talking to him your children are old enough to relay any important information on illness and medication and no more discussing things and don't ask him for any money as he is clearly going to throw it back in your face. Superficial conversations at the door if you even need to do that.

Ring CMS this morning, go for the middle option if possible there is a small one off admin fee and they review his wages every year and send him a payment schedule and he sets up a standing order. It is useful to have a 'middleman' take the emotion out of the finances

He can get nasty verbally, you can just ignore him and not get into it with him.

1 CMS.

2 Stop talking to him.

CMS and then grey rock him. You only need to communicate with him for child arrangements. Set up a dedicated email or use an app. Block him on all other communication routes until he shows he can behave in a civil manner.

Just tell him as this is a contention you are unable to agree upon - you will get CMS to decide whether he should pay or not for his children.

Pass his details over to them and his place of work etc

He will probably throw his dummy out of his pram - but thats his look out

Thank you. I did this yesterday. I'm abit nervous knowing I'm going to have all this abuse coming my way but it had to be done!

Think of it like this: you are doing it for your children. He is supposed to contribute financially like all parents no matter where his income comes from. Letting him off the hook is letting your children down so well done!

Of course he should be paying and if he won't CMS is the way to go but is there a reason why you arent working?

100% this. He sounds like a nightmare, at least you don't live with him so don't need to listen to his rubbish or put up with his moods. Why is it on you and the government to pay for the children?

You don't need to communicate with him at all.
Get a parenting app and only communicate on it, solely about contact for his kids. Block him on every other platform.
You seem to be giving his thoughts, musings and words value, stop this. His words and opinions are worthless and none of your concern.
CMS will take money from him.

Hes a bit thick isnt he?

Oh FFS, come on! Of course you go to CMS if this waste of space isn’t paying for his children. They are his responsibility (and yours), not the states! He is doing his kids out of the money they need to support them (as are you if you dont go to CMS and force the issue). Dont bother talking to him if it’s too stressful, there’s nothing he can say that justifies not supporting his children. I am sorry your ex is yet another financially abusive loser.

Ignore anything emotional from him. It's purely about numbers and maths, nothing else.

Just to be clear, how separately are you living? If there is no mortgage is that because the house is owned outright, by one or other of you, or jointly? If not who is paying the rent?

Strictly speaking you are both responsible for your own expenses and then CM payments are for the children's costs payable to the resident parent based on how many overnights and the paying parent's income.

The CM system allows the Government to be the arbiters of what is rightfully due for the children. If you think of it in this way and you aren't expecting more for your ex then you can hold your head high and not feel guilty.

Its not about him giving "help" with the cost of bringing up his children if he feels like it. It is his RESPONSIBILITY to do so. Stop being so placatory to him. He is getting away with shirking his responsibilities. What kind of man thinks the state should be paying for his kids if he can do so himself? What a deadbeat wet lettuce he must be.

Don’t answer the phone, don’t read the messages

greyrock him

only talk about your child and don’t enter into any discussion with him about anything else

its really hard to do, really hard but don’t bite - stay silent. It’s far more powerful to stay silent

My last job got made redundant and its been difficult trying to find employment. I do promotions work at events now and again but that's not consistent

Paying to raise the children you created is not optional. Ask him what would happen if you had the same attitude. I wish our country was more rigorous about taking childcare costs from fathers - it should be deducted from their pay at source.