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Original poster

Husband not giving me any money

80 replies

SonK · 14/06/2024 17:35

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and already have a one year old daughter. After my maternity leave, I went back to work for a month, however as my pregnancy is high risk, I have been advised to take rest and decided to resign.

I was also working from home with my one year old which was very stressful.

My partner works part time only and is the main claimant for our joint universal credit.

We receive childcare tax credits, and some other benefits that I am also entitled to as I am not working at the moment. All the money is paid into his account.

However, he is not giving me my share for spending and I have asked him several times. In the last month I have had to purchase a pushchair for daughter, new car seat, dishwasher and now need to look into buying a double pram and other baby stuff for when newborn arrives.

I haven't even got into spending money for my own stuff or days out with my one year old.

If I contact the jobcentre will they give me my own amount of whatever I am entitled to separately into my bank?

Sorry if this is all silly but I have never been on benefits or universal credit (I have worked since 16)

I also have a universal credit appointment in a few weeks - I am pretty sure this is because I have resigned and did not work last week - the job centre is not aware that I am pregnant with my condition.

Thank you in advance : )

OP posts:
Original poster
SonK · 14/06/2024 18:08

TemuSpecialBuy · 14/06/2024 18:00

purchase a pushchair for daughter, new car seat, dishwasher and now need to look into buying a double pram

with "two adults, two children and half a job between you" why on earth would you buy a new pushchair AND then decide to look into a double pushchair

Misses the point...

My daughter had one that was given to us and really hard for me to manoeuvre around at this stage of my pregnancy (it was really old). I had to get a lighter push chair. I really do need a double pram but will be looking on Facebook marketplace first x

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 14/06/2024 18:08

SonK · 14/06/2024 18:02

Yes I work as an online fraud investigator for luxury brands. I was in office before but because my daughter was not coping in nursery I worked from home. My partner worked part time and would sometimes watch our daughter but would constantly call me to prepare her meal, make her bottles etc because I was at home he thought it meant I was available so it just added to the stress

Show quote history

look the guy is a clear a profligate loser and incompetent parent.

get the benefits in your name and for your own sake more than anyone else’s if must keep shagging him get on effective contraception.

Undisclosedlocation · 14/06/2024 18:09

SonK · 14/06/2024 18:06

He has some ongoing leg pain and his job is labour intensive (construction). This is something he is treating privately with physiotherapy and sports massage. I actually booked some sessions for him because I was able to afford it.

Show quote history

Cross posted.

then he needs to find something less labour intensive to do part time as well to supplement his income until he is fit again

Nottherealslimshady · 14/06/2024 18:19

Honestly I think you're going to find claiming benefits is not as simple as you'd like. There are two adults and half a job between you, by choice. Benefits aren't going to fund that choice. There are going to be lots of commitments and meetings for you both trying to find work. "Leg pain" doesn't mean he can't work. How you can afford private treatment for that is beyond me.

WithACatLikeTread · 14/06/2024 18:19

Nottherealslimshady · 14/06/2024 18:19

Honestly I think you're going to find claiming benefits is not as simple as you'd like. There are two adults and half a job between you, by choice. Benefits aren't going to fund that choice. There are going to be lots of commitments and meetings for you both trying to find work. "Leg pain" doesn't mean he can't work. How you can afford private treatment for that is beyond me.

Read the posts.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 14/06/2024 18:20

Exactly what @WithACatLikeTread said - start salting some money away to make your escape from this useless article, charmer and prince amongst men.

Not sticking the boot in OP, it sounds tough, but do you really want to be saddled to this lazy, feckless excuse for a husband and father for life. He is unlikely to change and become a prize worth keeping. Any family or friends with whom you can discuss it or who can offer you support? Good luck

babyproblems · 14/06/2024 18:25

Realistically he is a crap partner and a crap dad and he is also financially abusing you. The fact you have no communication and no plans made together is dire.. I doubt the relationship will last and even if it does you’re setting a bad example by staying. You cannot live your whole life with someone who won’t share money with you or even support you properly. Get rid op and build a good life for yourself and your kids. X

Original poster
SonK · 14/06/2024 18:36

He loves our daughter dearly and treats me well but I have just realised when it comes to money he is very stingy. For example on mother's day I did not get anything however for father's Day I have got him some bits supposedly from our daughter.

I really need a way to get through these few months and when my unborn child will be 6 months old I can get back to work and gain my financial independence again but I hate asking him for money...and not even getting it

OP posts:
Original poster
SonK · 14/06/2024 18:49

BusyCM · 14/06/2024 17:48

Goodness, two adults, two children and half a job between you?

I keep asking him to find another part time job and even helped him find a full time job working for Amazon delivery but he said he is looking into something just hasn't put it into action...

OP posts:
DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 14/06/2024 18:52

You can't separate out your benefits claims into separate payments, no.
He needs to get some extra work to top up his part time wages, he can find something where he's not on his feet. You also need to find something - anything, minimum wage, work from home, that you can do around your DD. You can't possibly function financially on half a wage plus universal credit. He may be being stingy and controlling but also there may just be no money. You need to get some financial independence. And I cannot believe you quit rather than get signed off sick. Bloody hell.

DeedlessIndeed · 14/06/2024 18:55

Okay, so reading your posts it seems as if this situation wasn't all planned and kind of happened all at once due to stress / issues at home / issues with your DP and DC. It's not perfect, but that is life. Don't beat yourself up about it, it is done now.

Firstly, I do agree that DP is having his cake and eating it. He was off work, but you were doing the childcare whilst WFH?!? During a tough pregnancy!? Which then meant you felt you had to quit. What a peach...

So first thing is asking yourself whether you want to leave or resolve the issue at hand.

If you want to resolve it, I think a sit down conversation with DP about finances is required. This is a new situation for both of you and whilst it might seem obvious that you cannot survive on oxygen alone, it clearly hasn't registered with DP.

  1. Sit down and make a budget together. He can get an understanding on what needs you and the children have. Include the big "one-offs" as well as ongoing living costs.
  2. Look at all income from job and benefits. You can understand what surplus (if any) there is and work from there. Get him to open up your UC online account and pay slips for full transparency.
  3. Agree a reasonable amount for children's expenses.
  4. Agree a fixed amount for personal spends that BOTH adults get. This should cover discretionary spending.
  5. Agree to discuss larger purchases a certain limit in advance.
  6. Discuss the best method for you to get access to these agreed amounts of money you need. As this is a pre-agreed amount, you wont be asking permission or putting in a bloody expenses report for him to reimburse you. For example this might be direct access to a joint account, on the understanding you can spend £X per month, or a standing order into your account on payday or whatever.

It might be that as a family you are actually very tight, and simply there isn't the cash to go around for new equipment etc. If this is the case the you'll have to compromise.

But please, please consider putting a bit aside for you as a safety net. Don't fall into the trap of saving for your daughter when you don't have enough of an emergency fund for you and your children if life doesn't improve.

DeedlessIndeed · 14/06/2024 18:59

Sorry for the long post, but just also wanted to say that if DP didn't want to work to a compromise regarding finances, I would seriously question whether or not he cared about the family unit as a whole.

He might treat you well OP, but he doesn't care about you enough to ensure that the basics for you and your kids are there. Hopefully, he is just a bit thoughtless, and after a good conversation he will change his ways.

Original poster
SonK · 14/06/2024 19:06

DeedlessIndeed · 14/06/2024 18:55

Okay, so reading your posts it seems as if this situation wasn't all planned and kind of happened all at once due to stress / issues at home / issues with your DP and DC. It's not perfect, but that is life. Don't beat yourself up about it, it is done now.

Firstly, I do agree that DP is having his cake and eating it. He was off work, but you were doing the childcare whilst WFH?!? During a tough pregnancy!? Which then meant you felt you had to quit. What a peach...

So first thing is asking yourself whether you want to leave or resolve the issue at hand.

If you want to resolve it, I think a sit down conversation with DP about finances is required. This is a new situation for both of you and whilst it might seem obvious that you cannot survive on oxygen alone, it clearly hasn't registered with DP.

  1. Sit down and make a budget together. He can get an understanding on what needs you and the children have. Include the big "one-offs" as well as ongoing living costs.
  2. Look at all income from job and benefits. You can understand what surplus (if any) there is and work from there. Get him to open up your UC online account and pay slips for full transparency.
  3. Agree a reasonable amount for children's expenses.
  4. Agree a fixed amount for personal spends that BOTH adults get. This should cover discretionary spending.
  5. Agree to discuss larger purchases a certain limit in advance.
  6. Discuss the best method for you to get access to these agreed amounts of money you need. As this is a pre-agreed amount, you wont be asking permission or putting in a bloody expenses report for him to reimburse you. For example this might be direct access to a joint account, on the understanding you can spend £X per month, or a standing order into your account on payday or whatever.

It might be that as a family you are actually very tight, and simply there isn't the cash to go around for new equipment etc. If this is the case the you'll have to compromise.

But please, please consider putting a bit aside for you as a safety net. Don't fall into the trap of saving for your daughter when you don't have enough of an emergency fund for you and your children if life doesn't improve.

I really appreciate everyone's perspective and advice x Deedlessindeed I think we should have had this conversation a long time ago but once I put daughter to bed this evening I will initiate it with him and will see how it goes.

I will definitely need to return back to work when my unborn turns 6 months, just need to find a a way to get through these few months without my own financial independence : (

OP posts:
Original poster
SonK · 14/06/2024 19:08

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 14/06/2024 18:52

You can't separate out your benefits claims into separate payments, no.
He needs to get some extra work to top up his part time wages, he can find something where he's not on his feet. You also need to find something - anything, minimum wage, work from home, that you can do around your DD. You can't possibly function financially on half a wage plus universal credit. He may be being stingy and controlling but also there may just be no money. You need to get some financial independence. And I cannot believe you quit rather than get signed off sick. Bloody hell.

I know I feel so stupid I didn't sign off sick : (

OP posts:
Bearpawk · 14/06/2024 19:13

Jesus op leave this piece of shit

DonnaChang · 14/06/2024 19:19

For example on mother's day I did not get anything however for father's Day I have got him some bits supposedly from our daughter.

Why?

Whats possessed you to have a second child with this man? You’re completely trapped.

fizzwhizz1 · 14/06/2024 19:37

You can very easily ask UC to be spilt between two joint claimants - exactly in this type of situation, where your husband isn't sharing with you. Ask them to do this at the appointment you have coming up (although you won't have any work commitments as you already have a one year old). Are you sure he's put you on the claim?!

Noonecares245 · 14/06/2024 20:34

BusyCM · 14/06/2024 17:48

Goodness, two adults, two children and half a job between you?

Sums up what is wrong with today's society. The joke is on us, as we fund it!

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 14/06/2024 20:39

@SonK Why does your partner only work pt? If you are unable to work due to medical complications of your pregnancy then why couldn't you get signed off by a GP (and still be receiving an income?) Assuming a medical professional advised you to stop work?

Original poster
SonK · 14/06/2024 21:05

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 14/06/2024 20:39

@SonK Why does your partner only work pt? If you are unable to work due to medical complications of your pregnancy then why couldn't you get signed off by a GP (and still be receiving an income?) Assuming a medical professional advised you to stop work?

Edited

I didn't sign off work because I was really unwell at the time, (low iron, pregnancy complications - weekly iron infusions and the symptoms that came with it) initially I told my manager I have to quit on the day and can no longer take it. They advised me to give one weeks notice so I would get all my pay and holiday sorted. I know it is very silly but I have not been coping well with my current pregnancy at all and I only have myself to blame

OP posts:
Original poster
SonK · 14/06/2024 21:07

fizzwhizz1 · 14/06/2024 19:37

You can very easily ask UC to be spilt between two joint claimants - exactly in this type of situation, where your husband isn't sharing with you. Ask them to do this at the appointment you have coming up (although you won't have any work commitments as you already have a one year old). Are you sure he's put you on the claim?!

Thank you - this is exactly what I needed to know. I will let them know as soon as possible.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyfriend · 14/06/2024 21:08

@SonK Who advised you not to work? Midwife? GP?

ZoomDoomZoom · 14/06/2024 21:11

Why isn't he working full time & providing for his family properly instead of financially abusing you?

Original poster
SonK · 14/06/2024 21:11

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 14/06/2024 21:08

@SonK Who advised you not to work? Midwife? GP?

Yes at my last midwife appointment she advised me not to work as my anemia from my previous pregnancy was still impacting me and said I should take rest. I was still working at this time although it was a struggle.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyfriend · 14/06/2024 21:12

@SonK So why didn't you get a sick note for work?