Please help to resolve dispute with DH - child care costs

[ChangePlease]

This is long and complicated , apologies.

Both DH and I have very full on jobs, long and can be unpredictable hours and for me some international travel. DC are almost 3 and 5. They are in private school / nursery. Local set of grandparents have a lot going on, so not able to commit to much extra help.

We have a nanny who used to be pretty much full time, however when eldest started reception we cut her hours down to just pick ups and evenings a few days a week. She then needed to get another job to supplement income, so we now have very limited flex from her for extra cover, emergencies etc and she does the bare minimum hours to look after the children, so no help with general child-related tasks that we had before. This arrangement also means we are struggling in school holidays. She has recently shared that she is struggling to balance going between several employers and wants to look for one full time - ish job.

I want to reshuffle some other costs to give her enough hours so she can just work for us again. This would then give us the flexibility for help if e.g. I am travelling, DC off school sick etc. It would make things very tight financially, but I’m honestly getting so stressed with the current situation I’d sacrifice some luxuries for peace of mind that this is taken care of. I’d use the extra hours when DC at school for housekeeping and cut the current cleaners hours slightly. She is wonderful with the children and they adore her, she is very safe and responsible and I can leave her in sole charge feeling completely comfortable with my precious DC.

Issue is DH is really against the idea, says we can’t afford it and it’s not needed. This is making me increasingly frustrated, as it’s generally me who has to sort out any emergency or issue and my work suffers and I get even more stressed. He thinks we should just hire a new nanny to do the same hours, however 1. this doesn’t help with school holidays or emergencies etc and 2. we live very rurally so it’s not exactly easy to find staff. We are not able to offer a live in position.

How can we move past this deadlock? What are our options? I feel like I’m more and more frequently getting close to breaking point, and getting frustrated with DH.

thanks for reading if you made it this far

He thinks it's not needed because you are picking up the slack.

Try to make sure for the next couple of crises that he has to deal with it,

You will find one of two things happen - either he will now agree with you or he'll start saying it doesn't actually matter that the dc do extra curricular/have clean uniform whatever.

This. I am sure he will change his tune when he has to do his fair share. I am also sure he will scream bloody murder that you would have the audacity to prioritise your career over his… make sure you tell him bluntly you are only asking him to do exactly what he has asked you to do for X number of years… and you have done!

Keeping a great nanny the children know and love is worth ££££££
If he wants to source a different nanny he has to fund then and be the back up

I know a couple who both have 'big jobs' and no family help. They had a nanny when their DC were little, and ended up keeping her until they started secondary school, for all the reasons you've mentioned (flexibility, being able to trust her, holidays etc) even though it was more expensive than possible alternatives. I agree with pp that DH needs to be in charge of sorting out everything to do with childcare for a couple of weeks so that he gets it.

Does the older child really need to be at a private school?

I’d probably send them to a state school and keep the nanny more hours with the savings!

The one in childcare, one at school phase seems very difficult as you need such different types of childcare.

@cestlavielife would it be unreasonable to say if he disagrees he needs to find a new nanny and deal with the whole hiring, on boarding process etc?

@MidnightPatrol yes, the state schools in our area are not good, and we have very limited options geographically without private

Not unreasonable at all! Why on earth should it be you?

@LemonCitron because of course it is my problem 🙄

Because I mostly WFH and have flexibility, only need a laptop to work etc I am the ‘default parent’

He has to be on site and is physically not available much of the time

Does the 2yo need to go to nursery? Surely it would make sense to cut that back to increase the nanny time? And use a preschool from 3 that is just term time/school hours.

I knew what your DH was going to say before I finished the first paragraph. Of course it’s you who has to cover all the children’s illnesses etc because you’re a woman and so by definition your job cannot be as important as his Very Important Man’s Job.

Tell him that if he doesn’t want to pay for the nanny to work full time hours that he can cover the majority of the kids sick days.

Take the two year old out of nursery to save money

@Chaosx3x to be completely transparent he does cover sickness when he can, or splits the day with me, but often genuinely can’t. But he definitely sees me as primary/default parent

it’s not helped by most of our social circle having a stay at home mother set up where everything is taken care of by the wife

He doesn’t want her because he thinks you can and should pick up the slack.

In thinking this way he is disrespecting your whole work ethos and basically not giving a hoot

How much extra will it cost each month if you hire her on more hours?

@Blahblah34 I don’t want to as they love it, but decisions will need to be made somewhere

DH also disagrees with this as he says cost per day of nursery is cheaper than day with the nanny

@Quitelikeit about £500 per month

I know these early childcare days are expensive but it’s just how it is. It’s only temporary

No, you have offered a solution of getting the current nanny you trust and DC like back full time. Could she also cook DC a hot meal each day? If DH wants to veto that it's perfectly reasonable that he sources an alternative and deals with any issues that follow. I agree having someone you can trust absolutely and who your DC both like is priceless.

@Quitelikeit indeed, I’m looking at taking a hit on my pension to afford the increase 😞

@caringcarer yes she does cook, does batches too so we can heat it up later for our dinner

See I think £500 is worth it. Men don’t understand the emotional toll it takes when you are a ft working mother

Im assuming your cleaner costs itro £200-£300 a month could you not ask the nanny to pick up cleaning

Or at least some of the cleaning jobs you hate?

Or have the cleaners in once a fortnight

@Quitelikeit problem is our cleaner is also amazing! She’s been with us a long time and is priceless, so I’d cut the hours down a bit but not completely

@Quitelikeit and no they really don’t understand, constant guilt, conflict and pressure and not sure whether to pack it all in!!

I think you need to make some choices if you want this to work eg drop the cleaner and negotiate the nanny dies it, as she'll have plenty of free time.