Please help to resolve dispute with DH - child care costs

[ChangePlease]

This is long and complicated , apologies.

Both DH and I have very full on jobs, long and can be unpredictable hours and for me some international travel. DC are almost 3 and 5. They are in private school / nursery. Local set of grandparents have a lot going on, so not able to commit to much extra help.

We have a nanny who used to be pretty much full time, however when eldest started reception we cut her hours down to just pick ups and evenings a few days a week. She then needed to get another job to supplement income, so we now have very limited flex from her for extra cover, emergencies etc and she does the bare minimum hours to look after the children, so no help with general child-related tasks that we had before. This arrangement also means we are struggling in school holidays. She has recently shared that she is struggling to balance going between several employers and wants to look for one full time - ish job.

I want to reshuffle some other costs to give her enough hours so she can just work for us again. This would then give us the flexibility for help if e.g. I am travelling, DC off school sick etc. It would make things very tight financially, but I’m honestly getting so stressed with the current situation I’d sacrifice some luxuries for peace of mind that this is taken care of. I’d use the extra hours when DC at school for housekeeping and cut the current cleaners hours slightly. She is wonderful with the children and they adore her, she is very safe and responsible and I can leave her in sole charge feeling completely comfortable with my precious DC.

Issue is DH is really against the idea, says we can’t afford it and it’s not needed. This is making me increasingly frustrated, as it’s generally me who has to sort out any emergency or issue and my work suffers and I get even more stressed. He thinks we should just hire a new nanny to do the same hours, however 1. this doesn’t help with school holidays or emergencies etc and 2. we live very rurally so it’s not exactly easy to find staff. We are not able to offer a live in position.

How can we move past this deadlock? What are our options? I feel like I’m more and more frequently getting close to breaking point, and getting frustrated with DH.

thanks for reading if you made it this far

If you’re feeling generous, I would find out from your nanny when she needs a decision by. Give DH until a couple of days before that date to sort out his alternative. Do nothing to help. He won’t get it sorted, so you can go ahead and do whatever you want.

Or you could just tell him what’s happening and do it. The burden falls on you, so really it’s your problem to solve how you see fit.

We are really arguing about this constantly now, another argument last night and one this morning and he’s being very off with me, saying I’m not listening and we can’t afford it. We are really stuck in a toxic battle.

I’ve been mulling over the idea of asking for 4 days recently because of my stress levels, maybe I should pursue that and relieve all this stress and hassle.

@StellaShining this is a good suggestion, give him an opportunity to solve it (he won’t)

If I cut my hours and put more in my pension to get to under 100k I could be about as well off in the end as with the extra nanny costs, but I could do more picking up etc - would be nice to spend more time with the kids and have less stress. It would however rule me out of any promotions for now

Issue is DH is really against the idea, says we can’t afford it and it’s not needed.

If you are both earning over £100k. why cant you afford a Nanny?

This is the kind of issue that exposes deep disdain that the husband has for his wife and children and destroys the family unit.

Why doesn't he care about this issue? Why are you being forced to consider alternatives that are to the detriment of your long-term financial stability (pension, career progression)? Why are you less than him?

This makes me so cross. Of course it's easy to say no when you're not the one dealing with the consequences! How dare he say you're not entitled to the same as him: someone taking most of the mental load of dealing with all kid-related stuff.

We had a nanny for more hours than we strictly needed when the DCs were in primary, but that was the only way to deal with the stress of 2 working parents with no other outside help (no family in the area). And that cost should absolutely be shared! Why would this be just "your problem". As a PP said, you afforded it before, you can afford it again.

I like StellaShining's suggestion of giving him a deadline to sort it himself. He'll fall at the first hurdle. You also don't want to miss out on keeping the nanny you like because you take too long to decide.

That said, a lot of mums do make the task more onerous than it needs to be. Standards can slip a little. Scuffed shoes were never on my list of priorities! I never ironed uniform (bought non-iron everything and straight out of machine onto a hanger). Reading record we took seriously. Wrong kit - how old are the DC? Mine were drilled very early in the art of packing their own bags the night before and thinking about what they needed. We did it together to learn at first, so then they knew how to do it on their own. Made starting secondary a doddle as they'd been doing it for years, as opposed to peers who still had mum packing their bag in year 6...

Alternatively, if you want to cut your hours to spend more time with the children as you suggest above, that's obvioulsy a valid choice. As long as that is indeed your preference and you go into it with your eyes open that it will most likely compromise your career. Also, it will only reduce the stress a bit, school holidays and emergencies will still be a problem.

He does not understand and he can't learn through words so

Drop the ball totally on everything and Turn your phone off so no one can reach you when then is a problem

Book a hotel for a night
Tell him you are going away for a few days and he has to sort everything out and leave him to it
Pick an inconvenient day
You get to chill and he gets the stress first hand

Ask him to reduce his hours since he isn't pulling his weight and leaving you stressed

Point out to him it will cost the family more long term if you drop back and avoid promotions, vs an extra, what, 18 months of the nanny.

@Blondeshavemorefun I dispute “years”. Anyway I had qualified Nannies myself, as did friends , and they were a very mixed bunch. Some excellent and some hopeless, even directly with children. I’d say 50% don’t like playing with them.

So you are willing to compromise your pension and career plans so that your husband can save money from your free labour and improve his own career prospects and pension ?

I still have a FT nanny despite kids being at school. When youngest went Ft, DH was very keen to drop to PT after school arrangements because costs and moving on from live in. Our current nanny is live in so this would have been a wholesale change.

I ended up doing a full list costing out the part time life out nanny, extra housekeeping services, holiday cover on one hand and keeping nanny with her taking up the cleaner duties and there wasn’t that much left in it.

I also made very clear that I would not be running myself ragged with a big extra mental load doing absolutely everything to bridge the gaps whilst he swanned in and out and set out some of what he would have to do to pull his weight. He grumbled but backed down.

If the nanny is willing I would get her to go Ft and take on the cleaning/housekeeper duties plus cut back nursery days. That should significantly narrow the financial gap. Yes a shame to let a good cleaner go but lesser of evils. And certainly far better than compromising your own career and mental health.

If he thinks you can't afford the extra hours for a nanny, how does he think you can afford a 20% salary cut to drop to 4 days?

Sorry but your husband is crackers and I seriously hope he doesn't work in financial services.

He is preventing you spending £500 a month on something that will greatly ease your life when you earn over £100k?

That makes zero sense. Even cutting to 4 days will cost way more than that and won't solve the sickness and school holidays problem.

Do you have full oversight of family finances? Does DH possibly have spending or debts he's concealed from you?

2yrs for me NNEB

then more training and exams when I became a mn

Why doesn't dh drop to 80%

Just employ the nanny
Keep.up your earnings
You both earn well

I think you need to draw up an expenses for the year to show nanny fees versus everything else you are paying for. Then whatever is the amount left over is what you need to be justifying to him. So include the childcare you need during school holidays for your eldest as well as the nursery fees, drop off and pick up costs and extra clubs. It’s likely it ends up not being as much as your DH thinks.

Otherwise you are going to have to ensure you are unavailable to pick up the slack. He needs to understand the impact.

@ChangePlease

NOOOO don't do that.

you KNOW that will all turn into being YOUR problem to sort when he can't, or when it turns to crap.

Tell him this IS happening because it impacts you, not him. What share does he do of sickness/holidays? It seems it's your job that's suffering, not his.

Talk to your nanny & discuss what works for you both. (Hours term time/holidays. Pay according to the hours done or equally through the year). What else she's happy to take on ant home to allow you to pay her full time (if anything).

grrr - just get him told!

This makes me so angry. I think the only answer is to go through the full list of ALL the things you are doing (childcare, organising, sickness etc) and tell him from now on, he has to exactly 50% of it or you're getting the nanny. Wanker.

Re the nursery - can you cut the hours at least there? Around here lots of children go to nursery only a few days a week and/or do a shorter day. That would save some money there without removing the child from nursery completely?

God i relate to this.

My DH needs to "see" it himself to even think about backing down / admiting he was wrong

Not sure how you do this in this instance... but i think either up the hours of the nanny NOW and show him the benefits (dinner ironed shirts whatever)
Or go the other way
Pay the nanny but have her not attend so he can see what a shit show it is wothout her.

If push came to shove...
i think your least bad choice is

• keep your pension
• keep your hours / stay FT
• increase the nanny for the hours you know the family need
• drop nursery (give this to your DH as his "win" 🙄)
• get nanny to take your son to playgroups/ classes etc and pay for it from the joint account (ie your husband indirectly funds a nursery experiences)

I was in a not dissimilar position when my 3 were 4,5 and 7 and in the end I just went for it - left my corporate job, sacked the nanny/au pair and took full charge of the DC while working full-time hours as a freelancer when DC were at school/ in bed/ being looked after by DH at the weekend. Totally exhausting and risky but very lucrative in my sector, and I was always there for the DC as they grew up. I haven’t had a boss for 25 years, I have an excellent relationship with my three adult DDs and I have absolutely no regrets. Sometimes you just have to take the extreme option and make it work.

Stop dealing with the emergencies. Forward texts from the school etc to him saying you can’t leave work so he’s going to have to deal. Say you can’t do the dentist or whatever, so he’ll have to.

How is dropping nursery a compromise/win for the husband? The OP has explicitly said that he doesn't want this as nursery is cheaper than the nanny.

OP, I agree with the majority of pp that it sounds like you need the nanny for now, there's no way around it without sacrificing your own career and health, neither of which should be on the line. How you convince DH of this I don't know.

I would also be looking longer term since the younger child is going to be of school age next year. If you don't have any more kids, what are you planning once both are in school? You will still have the issue of holidays and sickness. I presume your outgoings will increase (fee-paying school x 2 vs private nursery & fee-paying school). It's not really worth having a huge argument over the nanny now if you're going to be having the exact same argument in a few months' time. Better to consolidate your dispute!

How is dropping nursery a compromise/win for the husband? The OP has explicitly said that he doesn't want this as nursery is cheaper than the nanny.

Because OP wants the nanny to take (one of?) the children to nursery.