Please help to resolve dispute with DH - child care costs

[ChangePlease]

This is long and complicated , apologies.

Both DH and I have very full on jobs, long and can be unpredictable hours and for me some international travel. DC are almost 3 and 5. They are in private school / nursery. Local set of grandparents have a lot going on, so not able to commit to much extra help.

We have a nanny who used to be pretty much full time, however when eldest started reception we cut her hours down to just pick ups and evenings a few days a week. She then needed to get another job to supplement income, so we now have very limited flex from her for extra cover, emergencies etc and she does the bare minimum hours to look after the children, so no help with general child-related tasks that we had before. This arrangement also means we are struggling in school holidays. She has recently shared that she is struggling to balance going between several employers and wants to look for one full time - ish job.

I want to reshuffle some other costs to give her enough hours so she can just work for us again. This would then give us the flexibility for help if e.g. I am travelling, DC off school sick etc. It would make things very tight financially, but I’m honestly getting so stressed with the current situation I’d sacrifice some luxuries for peace of mind that this is taken care of. I’d use the extra hours when DC at school for housekeeping and cut the current cleaners hours slightly. She is wonderful with the children and they adore her, she is very safe and responsible and I can leave her in sole charge feeling completely comfortable with my precious DC.

Issue is DH is really against the idea, says we can’t afford it and it’s not needed. This is making me increasingly frustrated, as it’s generally me who has to sort out any emergency or issue and my work suffers and I get even more stressed. He thinks we should just hire a new nanny to do the same hours, however 1. this doesn’t help with school holidays or emergencies etc and 2. we live very rurally so it’s not exactly easy to find staff. We are not able to offer a live in position.

How can we move past this deadlock? What are our options? I feel like I’m more and more frequently getting close to breaking point, and getting frustrated with DH.

thanks for reading if you made it this far

But neither the husband nor the OP want to drop nursery. The husband has already said no to it. So it couldn't be presented as letting him win that one.

It’s such a shame when parents cannot work together. It’s all very well saying he must do it but if he was a doctor with patients, would he? Would he walk out of an operation ? It’s just a case of the one who can make changes, should make them.

Hes clearly saying VAT on private schools is going to stretch finances for 2 dc shortly. He’s probably right. So surely the op needs to work out the finances and decide what the best position is. In the end, a married couple will share pensions. Even in a divorce account is taken of the parent who cares for dc not having such a high pension input. This argument is all about DC getting in the way of work. I know countless women who scaled back for a few years and then achieved promotion. It’s just a case of realising that not every parent can have it all if the sums don’t add up. So not only should costs be looked at now, future education costs do too.

This a a great theory about sharing in divorce but often it doesn’t happen. My ec managed to move his Pension overseas so I got none of it. No account was taken of me going part time to care for our kids.

The op said nothing about him being a surgeon. And FWIW women are surgeons or anaesthetists well as being mothers.

Too many men claim to have no flexibility in their job while doing exactly the same job as women. For 99% of them it’s just that they CBA to make the sacrifices of being a parent.

DD is a divorce barrister and they are shit hot on avoidance. Even if it’s abroad, it’s an asset to be considered. Assuming he can get his hands on it! There are other ways this can be adjusted, eg proportion of house. Basically it’s all cards on the table and women can share a pension.

Again thats a great theory but i can assure you it doesn't always work . If you have clever accountant and a solicitor who doesn’t ask questions, you can move assets like pensions and savings. It’s much safer to have your own money in your own name.

DD has access to forensic accountants. They frequently discover £millions. I think you used the wrong advisers!

I wonder about your finances generally OP. Surely there are other cuts that can be made that isn't your pension. Holidays, phones, subscriptions, memberships, alcohol, hobbies, socialising etc.

You very often hear about retired couples on here where the DH doesn't share his much more generous pension.

I mean, if you're a misogynist with young children, you're probably not going to be more enlightened come retirement...

A friend is a surgeon. She works hard for sure but she has some flexibility, rarely misses a school event and ran the school second hand uniform shop for a while (she said it gave her much more job satisfaction than the NHS 😂).

I mean a male surgeon wouldn't but the female ones seem to be immune to the god complex thing.

Could you move to the catchment area of a good primary school? Then both children are sorted for a quite a few years without private school fees. Will take enough pressure off the budget to pay for the wrap around and holiday care you need for now. Then you can look at private again for secondary if you want to.

They also work part time! The consultants at DDs schools were rarely seen. Male or female. Certainly not running a uniform shop! Even the ones with DC in state school were not around very often. GPs ditto unless they worked part time. Consultants get huge pension pots very quickly so a few years part time doesn’t hurt that much.

Reading your posts, a lot of your issues seem to seem from living very rurally.

Are there any options to change this?

Living in a city, you could have a choice of state schools rather than being forced into private and also a lot more options for school holidays and childcare generally. E.g near us in London, there are loads of options for holiday clubs, temp/emergency /after school nannies.

I know countless women who scaled back for a few years and then achieved promotion. It’s just a case of realising that not every parent can have it all if the sums don’t add up.

“not every parent” rarely includes fathers. It’s most usually mothers.

There was some interesting statistical stuff published a few years ago which showed that, on average, with children, mothers’ pay went down while fathers’ pay went up.

I wonder why…?

I didnt put a dress on it because i assumed it was obvious

OP wants the best for her kids nanny and nursery. For rounded experience
Her DH wants to spend as little as possible (which is nursery)

If nursery is £300 and nanny is £500 the OPs "ask" is a start point of 800

Her DH has a start point of 300 (nursery only)

If op drops nursery, the ask moves to a concessionary space and the "ask" reduces to 500 which is incremental 200 vs an initial ask of 800 total

This is exactly the point!! WHY DOESN’T HE CUT HIS HOURS? Men are such bloody hypocrites.
Why should you have to forego career advancement? As PP said, presumably you already took time off after giving birth. Now it’s DH’s turn to have a taste of the reality of sacrificing for your family - your career matters as much a his no matter what you’re paid.

If you go 4 days a week he should pay into your pension what you’re missing out on going down a day, plus any advancements you might have received had you not been part time.

Alternatively cut you both cut down to 90% and alternate the day off a week?