Angry at dh for fucking mortgage up

[Trippingsteps]

Hi,

I’m so angry at Dh. We are supposed to be moving to a new (better) mortgage deal soon. We met with the broker but it became apparent that there was an issue….

dh has fucked up with his credit card, missed a series of payments and now has a default registered! He only owes £500 on the bloody card!!!!

in his defence, he’s had a rough time as his dad died at the end of last year and he fell apart a bit. I think he just stopped looking at the emailed statements and just forgot about it!!

so we have no hope of a better mortgage rate now. We’ll need to wait at least 2 years. I’m so angry I could leave him. Am I overreacting?

Yes YABU. His Dad died and he fucked up as a result. Give the guy a break.

Is the current mortgage rate / new higher rate going to mean life is unaffordable or you lose the house?

If not I would give him some grace, he's lost a parent at the end of last year, things slip when people are struggling. I think being angry enough to divorce someone because they lost their dad and fell apart a bit, missed credit card payments and needed a higher mortgage rate is quite an extreme reaction.

Yes you are overreacting.

I can see it’s annoying but your husband was grieving and not himself … I think more sympathy would be better than leaving someone over a financial mistake made during a difficult personal time.

Yes, assuming there are not more factors here, it is totally unreasonable to hold such anger over an understandable mistake made while grieving.

Most people would feel rotten enough about the financial consequence without their partner turning on them as well.

It's at times like those, that your marriage/partnership is meant to be a comfort - not another mallet to be hit with.

Yes, unreasonable. Put yourself in his shoes.

Yes you are totally overreacting and being completely unreasonable. I hope he shows you more compassion if you dare to drop a ball while grieving.

Can you still afford the mortgage? If no then I can completely understand why you are so angry. If you can still afford it but possibly money will be tight then I would let it go but make it clear to him that it cannot happen again. Maybe he has been really struggling lately and has had a lot of inner turmoil.

@SandysMam @Twiglets1 @thanKyouaIMee @GerminateMyParsnips 👏👏👏

Your disappointment is understandable but your DH doesn't deserve you to take it out on him.

So you need to work through your own feelings in another way so you can present a gracious side to him and until you are able to put it behind you.

Sadly it is one of those tragic situations where a small understandable under the circumstances error has had consequences out of proportion with the original mistake. It's a crappy 'that's life' thing.

Find another way to manage your understandable emotions. 💐

Most decent brokers have developed personal relationships with their opposite number with the lender/underwriter so there is still an element of human decision making in the process. Is there any chance the extenuating circumstances can be explained.?

Yes but not for at least 2 years apparently

Don’t be so angry you could leave him. Give him a hug. Took me years to function anyway normally after my dad died and everyone makes mistakes

His dad died, it affects people quite badly.

It's really disappointing but he's not done it out of badness.

It sounds like joint oversight of money would help prevent any issues in future. Set the credit cards up so the minimum goes automatically, then this can't happen..

You are over reacting, and this is a lesson for you both.

Set up direct debits for all your credit cards to pay at least the minimum payments.

You will need to periodically check the direct debits are still active as some credit card providers don't take the minimum payment when you pay your the bill while others take it anyway. With the second you need to subtract the minimum payment amount, shown on the bill, and just pay the rest. (I was actually told decades ago by someone offering me a new credit card how to do it.)

This means when shitty and stressful situations happen missing credit card payments doesn't happen.

Have you lost a parent, OP?

Can you do a product switch with your existing lender? Can usually do it online or over the phone and no credit checks

That’s very vindictive op. Spiteful and vindictive.

so we have no hope of a better mortgage rate now. We’ll need to wait at least 2 years. I’m so angry I could leave him. Am I overreacting?

He's just lost his father. Compared to that I'd say a strop over a mortgage and threatening to leave is overreacting, yes. Although it might be doing him a favour in the long run.

I think he just stopped looking at the emailed statements and just forgot about it!!

A cc provider about to default a debt wouldn't just be sending regular statements. He would have been absolutely hounded by post too, and possibly email/SMS, plus phonecalls.

At the very least he'd have had a series of letters advising of late payments, possibility of a default, actual default notice with final date to pay AND a final demand letter.

I'm only saying this just to highlight that no one receives a default after just missing a few emails, if this is what your dh has said. If he was in a bad place he might well have buried his head and ignored it all of course - but I would absolutely want to check in case this wasn't a one off and the problem went deeper than this in respect of other creditors/financial issues etc.

This. You should be able to switch to a new deal with your existing lender with no affordability or credit checks - as long as you are not changing the term or borrowing amount.

How can missing out on a different mortgage deal be grounds for leaving your husband? Didn't you have any intention of keeping the wedding vows you took when you got married? Posts like this really make me despair - so many people don't take their marriage seriously any more. Of yourself you're being very very unreasonable to get so angry about a few missed payments under any circumstances, let alone when the poor man has just had a bereavement.

Next time you fuck up you'll want him to be calm and understanding and get through it as a team.

I'd be furious, but would say this is a lesson for you both in ensuring your finances are well managed. Setting up a regular DD on a credit card to make sure at least the minimum payment is covered is basic common sense.

I couldn't function for months after DM died and barely held my life together. I suppose the good thing in this is DH knows where the OP's priorities are. I don't see any empathy in the posts for his grief, either. Just the anger over a missed mortgage.

You say you’re so angry you could leave him - in that case why not get a mortgage yourself? If you can’t afford it yourself there’s no point blaming him.

I'm not sure that this is always the case.

My current account send me messages if I go over my overdraft limit. It amazes me that I can go over my CC limit and they don't get in touch with me at all.