Angry at dh for fucking mortgage up

[Trippingsteps]

Hi,

I’m so angry at Dh. We are supposed to be moving to a new (better) mortgage deal soon. We met with the broker but it became apparent that there was an issue….

dh has fucked up with his credit card, missed a series of payments and now has a default registered! He only owes £500 on the bloody card!!!!

in his defence, he’s had a rough time as his dad died at the end of last year and he fell apart a bit. I think he just stopped looking at the emailed statements and just forgot about it!!

so we have no hope of a better mortgage rate now. We’ll need to wait at least 2 years. I’m so angry I could leave him. Am I overreacting?

Ok so majorly mucked up, but being practical, he must clear the card, sort the fines etc asap. I'd it really true that another application can't be made for 2 years? Not before?

Plus, didn't you too keep an eye on the finances, look at the credit card.

Plus when you sat down with him to talk about planning to start new mortgage application did you not ask? Go through everything? Making a pack, making sure you had all your info together? How did you miss this?

While I was fine of the surface after my Mum died, under the surface I was a fucking mess for a good years. So much stuff I just forgot to deal with or couldn't handle that just piled up for months and months.

Your husband will already be beating himself up about this @Trippingsteps . It's done now and can't be helped, I'd let it go under the circumstances.

Oblomov24 · Today 10:16
Plus, didn't you too keep an eye on the finances, look at the credit card.
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Plus when you sat down with him to talk about planning to start new mortgage application did you not ask? Go through everything? Making a pack, making sure you had all your info together? How did you miss this?”

This.

Why would she look at his credit card? I don’t look at my husbands or him mine? Do you not have your own card or something?

We have joint cards.

I’d be really annoyed because things like minimum payments on credit cards happen automatically. You set up a direct debit when you get the card and then you never have to think about it, obviously if you want to pay more then pay more, but you’ll never default because you have a direct debit for the minimum. His dad dying has nothing to do with that, so I’d be annoyed.

Leaving him is an over reaction if this is really the only issue

If he had a history of making financial fuck ups and burying his head in the sand then this level of anger would make sense

But if this is it, and its because he's grieving then you are being unfair

I'm very close to my inlaws though and will be devastated when they die. Are you sure you aren't missing your own grieving too and therefore your anger is your own misplaced emotion?

Plus there is the stress of being the one to hold everything together whilst the other person is grieving.

This is never going to be the best time to make big life changing decisions. Let it settle down, let your DH come to terms with his grief, be gentle to both of you for the time being

I don’t have a direct debit set up for my card card and never have. I pay it in full every month, but now they’re paperless, it would be easy to miss the email that arrives. It just says your bill is available to view online. Especially as his dad recently passed away OP, I would cut him slack on this, as disappointing as it may be.

Some people are much more organised with this sort of stuff, DH is useless so every month I just say have you paid your credit card.

Has he been using the card, if so I can't see how he forgot to pay it every month.

I hope he doesn’t leave the toilet seat up as well. You will be hiring a hit-man…

I'm sure your dp feels badly enough as it is, all while dealing with a recent bereavement.
It's done now, make a plan and move past it.

Surely your current lender has a better rate you can switch to?

I'm torn on this one. I think you're being unreasonable to be so cross you're thinking of leaving him - although I understand how angry you might be right now, especially if it's going to leave you with financial issues for the next couple of years.

On the other hand, while I'm sympathetic about your DH's situation, part of being an adult is coping with important life 'stuff' even if you're suffering from a bereavement (or anything else so significant.) And I say that as someone who has lost both parents and both PILs.

Have you sat down and talked about how you move on from this? First, he has to pay the credit card debt off, that should go without saying, but then what? What does this mean for your mortgage payments over the next two years?

How is he going to make sure this kind of error doesn't happen again?

Gosh I'd be so annoyed. It'll cost you a fortune and all for £500. When my dad died I applied for DD's school place the day we got home from the funeral, because unfortunately life doesn't stop and responsibilities don't vanish when you're bereaved.

I'd put it under the "monumental fuck up" category (we all have a couple) rather than the "worthy of ending a marriage" category myself though.

Just because grief affected you one way doesn’t mean it affects everyone the same way. When my father died, I went to pieces for several weeks.

Newsflash: not everyone responds to grief in the same way. It is totally normal to struggle with life admin in the aftermath of a bereavement.

You are being so unreasonable. Yes, it is annoying, but the poor bloke lost his dad. I can’t believe you are even asking if yabu.

Depends on what he has specified as methods of contact

also very small debt with good credit rating they would be making minimal effort if any besides reminders to recover it Because they know chances are they’ll get it at some point

Absolutely normal to struggle with life admin but there's some balls you just can't drop as an adult. A late penalty, sure. An insurance policy auto renewing at a higher rate than necessary, sure. A default that's going to harm your credit rating and leave you paying a needlessly high mortgage for two years? The rates they move you to at the end of a fixed period are always so high. I would find that harder to forgive even if he has gone through one of the shittier milestones of adulthood.

But like I say, a source of frustration and annoyance, not a source of divorce.

I work for a bank. Two things here. Firstly, if it's been recorded as a default that will hang around on his credit file for 6 years not 2. Secondly, your own mortgage provider can do you a better rate regardless of credit score. There really isn't a massive difference between all the providers that this should cost you that much money.

You clearly have no idea what a severe bereavement reaction can be like. People struggle to get out of bed or eat. If that wasn't you, be bloody grateful, and less judgemental.

Are you the type of person who tells women with PPD to snap out of it, because you had 4 hours of the baby blues and can't see what the fuss is about? Or someone who had a back-to-back delivery & 4th degree tear that birth wasn't that painful and you just breathed through it? Because that's what you sound like.

No and I've had a horrific bereavement that I struggled with for months. Years really. But yes I would still be annoyed at DH for dropping the ball to this extent.

The bereavement is a red herring. Why on earth didn't he have a direct debit set up to pay the balance, or the minimum payment at least anyway?

That way you can't fuck up your finances for years due to whatever reason. If he can't manage that he shouldn't have a credit card.

Hopefully you'll get another deal from your existing lender.

I agree that I would be angry with my husband if he'd done this, and even that the bereavement is a red herring to an extent, but to suggest that it's a reason to end a marriage is just beyond ridiculous.