how to split bills and consider income

[toomanynumbers]

Hi everyone,

Sorry this is long but I want to include the right information.

I'm trying to figure out how to ensure things are fair between myself and my partner as we have quite different fiances and assets.

A caveat: I have a lot of money anxiety stemming from a difficult upbringing around money, which brings a lot of guilt around spending and likely skews my views and relationship with it. So I genuinely find it hard to identify if a thought or feeling is rational.

I'll just set out the facts along with some questions.

-My partner brings home c.£28k before tax. As a freelancer I have a fluctuating income, but this tax year I will take home c.£21k before tax. It is usually around £15k before tax.
-I receive PIP for a disability. My patner considers this as income, so with PIP, he sees my gross income as £28k this year, so equal to his.
-I own the house. I pay £800, but as an unusual set up as my mortgage is split as a low fixed cost (£400) and an overpayment (£400). This was advised because of money flow by extending the term. We only consider the fixed cost in the split bills (£400). I do regret not just having this as wholy fixed to keep the term I actually wanted.
-I handle bills and my partner pays me £400 a month rent which covers half the bills and half the 'set' mortgage. We use a joint account for food, dog, etc. Before he moved in, I had a lodger paying £450, so I took a slight hit.

I am struggling because of a few reasons.

-I find the mental load/anxiety of the bills hard and worry about putting the heating on because it costs me money *it doesn't affect his monthly cost). I would like to have bills out of the joint account, but then he would be paying my mortgage, and I want to protect this, and feel stuck.
-I don't know how I feel about sharing the PIP as income. I can see it from both sides. Does anyone have any advice about disability benefits should be considered as income?
-he has a work pension, I don't have one. I want to start paying into one, but want this to be considered before my take-home, so this would bring my takehome down.
-I have quite a bit of savings, but feel terrified of spending them. I could dip into them during hard times, but I don't have a pension and they are reserved for the future. I don't know if I am being unreasonable here and I expect my partner sees me as a scrooge/greedy.

Essentially I'm asking if I am justified in wanting my partner to pay a bit more. I feel very anxious about the situation. But I also feel like a hypocrite and grabby, as I own the house, have more savings that him, and receive PIP.

I am resentful of the ease he has with money - a set takehome and set costs to me, whilst I have to juggle and stress about wildly fluctuating costs. But this is because I am freelance (I chose this because 9-5 work was too hard for me). At the moment I am bringing home nothing yet have c.£1000 outgoings but seeing my partner putting away £1000 in savings Honesly, I find it hard telling him how worried I am yet not seeing him offer to pay more some months. But this is also hypocritical of me as I bring home more than him some months, and I have more savings than him (this is my safety net when I am unwell and because I have no pension). I also feel very guilty that I own the house. But I worked so hard to be in this situation and didn't enjoy life like he did (he would get a job and then go travelling/spend it). I also could have just rented and spent money, but I chose not to so I could put down a decent deposit.

Sorry its such a long one and so messed up. I just need a little help. That might be giving myself a wobble that actually this situation is fair and my attitude/anxiety needs work. My childhood was focused around being poor/having to save money so I am terrified of spending.

Or would it be OK to ask my partner to contribute a bit more and discount the PIP?

What are all your bills a month? Do you pay council tax? He has a very good deal and he needs to pay more.

What do you get PIP for? It is suppose to help with your disability. Can you show him how you spend this money on your health needs?

If he covers half the bills and half the mortgage , I think that’s fair.

So I think classing the PIP as income is fair really - it's cash coming in to you, to be spent on you.

Him paying half of the bills is fair too - but perhaps you need to be able to tell him when the bills go up so his half will cost more (e.g more expensive if the heating is on lots).

Him paying half of the mortgage (fixed part) seems fair too, especially if you're keeping it all in your name and as your asset.

Is his 28k that you're stating pre tax and pension? If you want to consider putting into a private pension but want that to be taken from your "take home" you have to treat his income the same.

What more than half of the bills should he be paying?

A salary of £28,000 is a take home amount of £1,875 per month (that’s paying minimum pension and no student loan). How much is he contributing to food and your dog and other things, in your joint account? A couple of hundred? You imply the bills come out of your own account. All in all it’s no wonder this piss taker can save £1K every month.

You need to have a frank conversation about this because your quality of life is being adversely affected. Your future as well because the state pension won’t be enough (are you on track to get the full amount?).

I'd see PIP differently. It isn't mean-tested because the idea is that people with disabilities have more costs. Anything from taxis, through counselling to accommodations. If you are reasonably spending your PIP on accommodations, then it shouldn't be seen as income.

The mortgage/bills issue is interesting. He's paying a tiny amount of 'rent' really, less than a lodger. However, he isn't getting a stake in the house. So I think it's probably fair. Policing the heat is not great. Maybe his 'rent' covers heating up to a certain point but if the bill is higher you split the extra. Would that work?

He shouldn't be paying less than a lodger was. WAs your lodger also buying their own food? If so tell him. He needs to pay what your old lodger used to pay for room and utilities plus half the food. It sounds like he has a fabulous deal paying less than he'd pay for a room yet shares while house and expects you to treat PIP like a salary when it's meant to cover your disability eg a cleaner if too tired/unwell to clean etc.

I’m betting the lodger had their own room though. I don’t think it’s fair to treat him as a lodger when it suits. If he’s paying half now why should he pay more? He has no stake in the house - that’s yours. If you decide to throw him out tomorrow, he has no rights.

I have no words of advise OP. Just that I'm the same with money,too scared to spend and worry about pension. I think it's the reason I don't date,all those meals and days out and heating the house/cooking lovely food for date. Makes me anxious thinking about it!
I hope you sort and things settle.

Why would you sharing the bills mean he's paying the mortgage? It would just mean that his rent doesn't include bills - get it in writing that he's a lodger that doesn't have a claim to the property if needed, in any case when you renew your mortgage they will make him sign that

There are 2 issues here:

1. He should be splitting bills (on top of the 'rent') instead of paying a fixed cost.
2. PIP is for the additional costs of disability. If you do indeed incur other expenses then it should be used for this. However.. if your disability just means you can't work FT then the PIP sort of tops it up to a reasonable level so yes, it's income. IMO.

Thanks everyone for your input. It's really hard figuring it out. To clarify, the bills are roughly £400 a month, as I try and keep things constant though the year with direct debits.

My PIP generally works for both loss of income (e.g. I haven't worked for 3 months because I've been unwell) and in theory to cover extra costs for my disability, but I end up not getting those because I have to consider it to then equal/meet my partner's salary. I would love to spend more on some counselling etc but I find it hard to justify the cost. I'd like my PIP not to be seen as sole income in its entirety because I do have additional costs.

Also regarding the mortgage, I pay £800 a month but I only 'have' to pay £400. If I had reduced the term, I would 'have' to pay £800. But I did it this way to help with the impact of my disability/work level. So the division is a formality for me to allow monthly flexibility, but it's taken as not existing. Does that make sense?

I think the point is that, if I took out from my PIP what I'd like to for my disability, plus pension, and evened it out without just considering the current 'good' year, my partner earns more. Yet we split everything 50/50. I see a lot of couples splitting things in proportion to their income, and clearly I would prefer this. He clearly would prefer to keep more of his money.

He is very kind and helpful and I wouldn't cope without him. He helps me with work sometimes, and he doesn't want compensating for that. So part of me doesn't mind, but then the other part that deals with the anxiety and inconsistency does, because my life is harder financially.

If I'm being completely honest, and this may be a poor attitude and I accept criticism for this, I also feel slightly resentful that he gets to live in a lovely house for £400 a month including bills, worry free, because of how hard I've worked to get to this point. But then I have the equity. So then I feel like a complete twat for thinking that.

Never get married.

If the bills and mortgage are £800.00 a month then 50% is fair. Maybe negotiate him paying more in the winter months so you can put the heating on without worrying if you are cold.

PIP is also not taxed so you would have slightly more take home than him if you both had 28k income before tax and NI.

So he's getting his rent, bills and food all covered for £400 a month?! That's like a fantasy.
How much was he paying in rent before he moved in with you? I think the whole £800 should be considered for the mortgage. I've said it before on here but DH moved into my flat when we were dating (after a couple of years) we earned about the same so we paid half each of everything and there was never a question he would have a claim on my property. The way he saw it was that when he was renting it cost him more and he didn't have a claim on his landlord's property. I think whatever your lodger was paying plus food is the starting point. You shouldn't be out of pocket to have him there

So he's not actually splitting the bills he's only paying a quarter of your mortgage while you foot the other 3/4 on less income. I would address that for starters. Paying 200 a month rent is a piss take. What about ongoing maintenance costs?!

I understand you completely. He is also getting the benefit of the deposit you paid.
His money is none of your concern though if you’re looking at it as a lodger kind of deal.
From the suggestion that a lodger in your area would pay £450 for a room including bills (is this still the case? Seems incredibly cheap!) I would say £400 plus half the food bills seems OK.
I can’t believe a lodger could get a room for the though. If bills are £400 for the house the room cost is only £250 for any random stranger.
The way you look at it depends if you see him as a partner you share finances with or someone you want to live with more than you want to live with a lodger.
Why would your old lodger have made up your shortfall months?
Maybe simplest to say costs have gone up. It’s now 450 including bills and he pays half the food.

PIP is for the additional costs you incur for being disabled, it is not income.

Im concerned you're in a relation with a man who doesn’t get this and wants you to go without, e.g missing the counselling you need, so he can have extra disposable income.

You need to split bills as a percentage of your actual income after the same pension deductions have been made (your income is lower than his). All bills need to be factored in e.g wear and tear of the property, so replacing carpets, decorating etc

If he refuses to pay his fair share get him to move out and get another lodger.

Do you also have a contract in place to ensure he’s liable for his share of the bills and that your assets are protected?

But it’s not less income if you include the PIP. Also, he has no claim against the house. Are you saying he should pay more than a lodger, have no rights like a lodger would and also help her when needed like a partner? She has chosen to over pay the mortgage and wants to pay more into her pension - all sensible - but I can’t fathom why he should be the one making that possible - she could throw him out tomorrow. If I was him, I too would be saving so I had money to pay for a new place if needed.
If this was a man there would be calls of cheeky f*.

I think you need to have the conversation that the PIP covers additional costs for you, so those costs need to be taken into account before the PIP gets added to your income.

So, say the costs are 200 a month, then they get knocked off before the remainder is added to your income.

If you're worried about the cost of bills etc, perhaps review them, looking at how much they cost over the year and divided by 12 plus a bit for a slush fund.

He should also be ok with paying a couple of hundred a month into a joint savings account for bigger things around the house.

Perhaps discuss him paying the whole or 3/4 of the minimum payment, and you pay the whole overpayment.

If he genuinely is as kind as you say he will be open to having a conversation.

PIP is to cover additional costs of living because of disability. OP was advised to take a longer term lowering the "official" payments to allow for more flexibility if needed because of disability and fluctuating income.

Fact is the mortgage is 800 a month and bills 400. Asking for 600 a month all in is hardly being a cheeky fucker.

I can see both sides of the discussion. I think he is getting off quite lightly in life just paying £400 for all housing costs, whereas like you say, the mental load for maintaining that is yours. To even things out, I would explain to him that due to your fluctuating income and health you need to make the equity from the house work harder and therefore you're going to get another lodger to make up the shortfall paying £450 a month. If he doesn't want to share the house with a third person, he needs to pay an extra £225 to compensate you for his share of your loss of earnings from your asset. That way you will get extra money to even things out from making your asset work harder for you

Why don’t you split the pip so £200 is regarded as in one and the other £200 for counselling? He could then pay £500 a month.

Remove PIP from the calculation, it’s for adjustments and additional living costs, not income.

You need to draw up a proper agreement where he is paying rent. I wouldn’t officially have him contributing to your mortgage as he may have a claim to the equity in your property.
Rent, bills and food - work out what’s fair - for you, not what’s cheap for him.

If he doesn’t like it, then it shows he’s not a guy you want to be living with long term. £400 for everything is ridiculous. As a rule of thumb, you certainly shouldn’t be worse off living as a couple than as a single person.

I don't really understand couples living together when they don't want to share assets and income. When I moved in with my now husband any notion of 'my' or 'his' money ended, and it all became 'our'.

Since your partner pays you rent to cover part of your mortgage, were you to split he would be able to claim an interest on your property and could be entitled to a percentage when you sell, so you would be better off with a lodger if there's any chance he may consider doing this. Or ensure you have a cohabiting agreement in place.

I think the monthly costs should change based on what you earn (so if you can't work for a few months, he should pay a lot more those months, then the months you earn more than him, you pay more - would this make you less stressed?)

Was there a reason that you agreed to £400 in the first place?
It does seem very cheap? Does it include council tax

What ever happens you should get a cohabitation agreement

Are you thinking of having kids with him at any point?

You need to talk to him. I'd ask for some more money maybe £550

See what he says?

Thanks everyone. Clearly this is complicated and open to different opinions and it's really hard making decisions. I've had a bit of a chat with him and I'm going to properly assess how much I'm making after my work costs, consider what I need to spend the PIP on, and try and formalise the mortgage better. Then come up with a figure I'd be happier with.

It's difficult because before this he was living in shared accommodation in a coop style setting and was paying £350 all in, in a much worse part of town, but he was fed up there. This is how we came to the agreement of £400 - I didn't want to make money off him moving in, so we met in the middle and it roughly equalled the bills plus mortgage averaged over the year. I think this was also through people pleasing and not having a proper handle on my situation. I have pretty bad ADHD and anxiety and find all of this exceptionally hard. it is difficult for others to understand and I appreciate that as it just normal life for everyone else.

He is indeed very kind but he is also very rational and self spoken, so wouldn't just 'randomly' up the money. And I can see how half the mortgage looks like a choice, and how he's not benefitting from it the long term. But I am also benefitting him by him having a better quality of life for much less than if he was living alone.

I don't believe he would ever just make a claim to my house if we split up. His payment comes in marked as rent and this is why I have separated it.

Regarding my house and savings and just merging money, I just don't agree and wouldn't be happy with this. Mostly because we have different attitudes to money and I don't think it's unreasonable to want to protect my assets. We haven't talked about marriage, I'm not sure either of us are there yet as there's some ironing out to DK and some work to do on our relationship on both sides.

I can see how I can be seen as a cheeky fucker by some and whilst it's hard to hear I can see this. I am very open to this being about me changing my views/working on my issues as opposed to my partner paying more, and I take all of the advice on board.