how to split bills and consider income

[toomanynumbers]

Hi everyone,

Sorry this is long but I want to include the right information.

I'm trying to figure out how to ensure things are fair between myself and my partner as we have quite different fiances and assets.

A caveat: I have a lot of money anxiety stemming from a difficult upbringing around money, which brings a lot of guilt around spending and likely skews my views and relationship with it. So I genuinely find it hard to identify if a thought or feeling is rational.

I'll just set out the facts along with some questions.

-My partner brings home c.£28k before tax. As a freelancer I have a fluctuating income, but this tax year I will take home c.£21k before tax. It is usually around £15k before tax.
-I receive PIP for a disability. My patner considers this as income, so with PIP, he sees my gross income as £28k this year, so equal to his.
-I own the house. I pay £800, but as an unusual set up as my mortgage is split as a low fixed cost (£400) and an overpayment (£400). This was advised because of money flow by extending the term. We only consider the fixed cost in the split bills (£400). I do regret not just having this as wholy fixed to keep the term I actually wanted.
-I handle bills and my partner pays me £400 a month rent which covers half the bills and half the 'set' mortgage. We use a joint account for food, dog, etc. Before he moved in, I had a lodger paying £450, so I took a slight hit.

I am struggling because of a few reasons.

-I find the mental load/anxiety of the bills hard and worry about putting the heating on because it costs me money *it doesn't affect his monthly cost). I would like to have bills out of the joint account, but then he would be paying my mortgage, and I want to protect this, and feel stuck.
-I don't know how I feel about sharing the PIP as income. I can see it from both sides. Does anyone have any advice about disability benefits should be considered as income?
-he has a work pension, I don't have one. I want to start paying into one, but want this to be considered before my take-home, so this would bring my takehome down.
-I have quite a bit of savings, but feel terrified of spending them. I could dip into them during hard times, but I don't have a pension and they are reserved for the future. I don't know if I am being unreasonable here and I expect my partner sees me as a scrooge/greedy.

Essentially I'm asking if I am justified in wanting my partner to pay a bit more. I feel very anxious about the situation. But I also feel like a hypocrite and grabby, as I own the house, have more savings that him, and receive PIP.

I am resentful of the ease he has with money - a set takehome and set costs to me, whilst I have to juggle and stress about wildly fluctuating costs. But this is because I am freelance (I chose this because 9-5 work was too hard for me). At the moment I am bringing home nothing yet have c.£1000 outgoings but seeing my partner putting away £1000 in savings Honesly, I find it hard telling him how worried I am yet not seeing him offer to pay more some months. But this is also hypocritical of me as I bring home more than him some months, and I have more savings than him (this is my safety net when I am unwell and because I have no pension). I also feel very guilty that I own the house. But I worked so hard to be in this situation and didn't enjoy life like he did (he would get a job and then go travelling/spend it). I also could have just rented and spent money, but I chose not to so I could put down a decent deposit.

Sorry its such a long one and so messed up. I just need a little help. That might be giving myself a wobble that actually this situation is fair and my attitude/anxiety needs work. My childhood was focused around being poor/having to save money so I am terrified of spending.

Or would it be OK to ask my partner to contribute a bit more and discount the PIP?

I think you're massively overthinking it all. Why are you scared to put heating on when you say you have substantial savings, living a mean life is not good.
Feeling resentful isn't a good basis for a relationship.
I had an elderly relative pass away; lived like a miser, yet we found £10,000s in bank; he got no joy or comfort from his savings

I don’t think you’re being a CF. You need to have a serious think about why you’re so reticent to bring this up. It’s easy to think a relationship is lovely when you’re making so many concessions to the other person. Most people are great if they’re getting a good deal and their own way all the time. What’s in this for you?
Basing the calculations on the fact that he was living in a shithole before but it was cheap is not the point. He should want things to be fair too. If he doesn’t, then he’s not a good guy.

Sadly it's not as easy as that. When you have clinical anxiety and a difficult upbringing about money, being able to treat it rationally can be impossible. I feel guilty for everything I spend. I don't want to, it's not a choice, it's a learned behaviour that I have to constantly challenge. I do spend money freely - I'm not some sort of scrimping tight arse! E.g. I will go out for a coffee, but I will feel guilty and have to talk internally to myself that I deserve it, etc. But I do struggle with decisions where there is a saving option and a high cost, e.g. heating. So as a result I am comfortable financially but that comes at a price. Believe me, I feel terrible about it and I j would love nothing more than to be able to enjoy money and live in the present.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread.

However, this stood out for me....

I am bringing home nothing yet have c.£1000 outgoings but seeing my partner putting away £1000 in savings

In my country you would be told You are a thief of your own purse.

Please wake up.

Just to defend my partner here, one month I may get paid £3000 so that carries over, which is why it's important to look at annual salary. But I still struggle with the concept and probably need better ways of managing this. I am looking at doing something like paying myself a monthly wage, but it's really hard when most of my money comes at the end of the year and I usually don't know what work I have coming up, and can't predict what my annual salary is going to be.

Quarter of the mortgage payment is because OP chose to overpay. Half of the fixed mortgage sounds fair to me.
And why would he pay for maintaining the house when it's not his? Probably better for OP that he does not pay for home improvements and try to stake a claim.

OP said food was separate.

"He is also getting the benefit of the deposit you paid."

How is he getting the benefit of the deposit she paid? He doesn't own part of the house. He pays rent to her, just like a lodger or tenant would.

Yet, she owns a house and he doesn't. If he had no chance to save, he'd never get a chance to buy either so I don't think he should be putting all of his income into living with her when they're not sharing finances or married.

Have all the bills come out of the joint account, each put an equal amount in plus a bit more, left overs are savings eg for a holiday. It sounds like your partner wants the advantages of a relationship but the fixed costs of a lodger which isn't fair

I’d probably want a a bit more than the lodger used to pay( so around £600) and go halves on the food so you both get not a bad deal.
I don’t think income or mortgage comes into it as it’s your house that you are protecting.

Regarding the PIP money- that is for the extra costs that a disability brings like needing extra heating, needing to get taxis etc. So I would consider what extra costs you have and need that money for. Put that aside and then if you have extra left it's up to you whether it's considered household money.

I think you need to look at the bills - and recalculate costs - everything has gone up.

When DH moved in with me years ago - I overcharged him - so more than half because I also wanted to benefit and have extra savings - so we could go on holidays and add value to the house. It was around £100 extra.

He was living cheaper than in student accomodation and I was better off and could afford nice things.

Doubel check your figures.

Why isn't it fair? He owns no part of the home and they don't share finances so shouldn't his financial contribution be similar to the lodger's?

My DP lives with me. The house is I'm my name and I have no intention of changing that.

We split all household bill's, food and we agreed a fair rent based on local room shares.

At no point have I ever said his rent is half my mortgage or a contribution to my mortgage. My reason for this is because he will never have any claim on my equity.

Why more than the lodger? He probably gets less. Half a bedroom not a whole one!

OP broadly he seems sensible and nice and not piss-taking. So do you. It's not going to be easy to find a perfect solution but the one you have is as good as any.

A bigger issue is budgeting on a variable income when you have ADHD and anxiety around money. Paying yourself a salary and not seeing the ups and downs so much may help.

You didn't properly read the OP. OP doesn't "choose to overpay", she chose to set the minimum payment unusually low out of an abundance of caution given her freelance status (and she's probably paying a penalty for that!) So the regular payment would be the higher amount, presumably based on a 2 percent repayment rate.

OP a couple of points. You're freelance, so you should consider your net income the sum left over after tax AND after reasonable pension provision - same as it would be for a salaried employee. I take it we're not talking a luxury pension here.

Secondly, it may help to reframe the property question. Imagine you were on a zero repayment mortgage - then all payments are essentially rent paid to the real owner of the house, namely your mortgage provider. Presumably you'd regard that as a shared cost? Your partner only helps you acquire property to rhe extent that the payments actually go towards principal, and in the early years of a mortgage that's usually the smaller part.

I do spend money freely - I'm not some sort of scrimping tight arse! E.g. I will go out for a coffee, but I will feel guilty
I would look at therapy, it's no way to live.
I lost my DH a few years ago at 55, I'm glad we had a good life of travel and fun, lots of memories, no point getting to 90 with lots of savings and a life of guilt and frugality.

I know, I absolutely hate it and really try to work at it. Unfortunately t's not conscious and largely a result of my mental conditions and disability and largely out of my control. I can and do challenge the invasive thoughts but it is exhausting and has resulted in eating disorders and OCD behaviour in the past too. I don't think it will really ever go away, all I can do is continue to challenge it. It doesn't even really matter who is spending the money, if my partner or parents take me out for a meal then I will feel very guilty if I don't get the cheapest thing on the menu. It would be a lot easier to give in but that is unhealthy.

Thank you, I feel like you actually understand the mortage situation. I wish I had just kept it as the set amount though because it's just seen as a choice. Technically it is, I won't default on payment, but I am paying a penalty in more interest over a longer term and it was supposed to help me not make it worse. Ironically, even though I probably end up paying more, setting it as non-negotiable would have been too anxiety inducing and, also ironically, impacted my ability to pay it (I know it sounds ridiculous, and I don't expect people to understand, but if I HAVE to work because otherwise X bill won't get paid, I find it incredibly overwhelming and end up being unwell, so I have to keep a float of savings to cover that bill just incase something happened). Writing it out makes me sound nuts.

I don't think my partner and others truly appreciate the struggles of being a freelance artist. People often discount holiday pay, sick pay, pension contributions and other benefits such as office space and travel expenses. For example, I have a constant outgoing of £300 for a studio that I can't just magically stop paying when I don't have work. I have to own and maintain a van otherwise I can't do the work.

I really do need a pension. It scares me and part of my security is my house. I also don't have any children or close family that would be around when I am older, so I have to think about that too. I can't just remove all of that provision just because I have a current partner.

I am also aiming to pay off the mortgage as quickly as possible, so I am trying to work out how I can pay a large portion of my savings into the mortgage at the end of the fixed term. My partner will definitely benefit from this as then I can definitely reduce his contribution.

@MrsTerryPratchett I would argue that he gets a lot more than a lodger. He gets to use my house as his own, and he also uses one of the rooms as an office, so he can work from home without being confined to one room. I would value that at more than £50 a month, which was 2 years ago too.

he also uses one of the rooms as an office, so he can work from home without being confined to one room. I would value that at more than £50 a month, which was 2 years ago too.

That's interesting. Both in terms of what he gets for his money, but also heating bills. You're renting him office space essentially.

Could you get him to send half the mortgage cost as rent then take everything else out of the joint account for bills?

I would also look at getting yourself a business account then 'paying' yourself monthly from it so your income is set.

Finally, the costs of the disability and pensions have to come out of income before it is considered. This probably should include the counselling you mentioned.

I think this is most sensible as it would also help reduce some of the mental load for me. Would you consider the mortgage as the set cost or the total? Also after the disability and pension is considered, I would have an overall lower income, say 60/40 so would you then split everything 60/40 (bills and mortgage)? It is really hard knowing what to do!

I think that's a personal decision. I'd lean towards he parts what he'd pay in rent. Split depends on how serious you are.

You are looking for the correct fair answer and there isn't one. What's fair to one person is unfair to another.

Just make a best guess at how you think you want to split it where you know you won't feel like you are being shafted and ask him for that. Dont over think it. Just go for it. Once you've asked him and agreed something it might be an idea to suggest you review it again in 6 months or a year or whatever and both put that date in your diaries.

I also like the idea suggested by PPs to split the bill but for him to pay a fixed rent too.