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Original poster

Just found out he is £30k in debt.

96 replies

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 10:38

NC as I don’t want anyone in RL to know..

Woke up this morning after a really weird dream, DH had a CCJ against him from some work he had done. He said he was juggling two jobs and it meant they weren’t up to standard. I woke up but then nodded back off and the dream continued but turned out to be a scam.

However, something just didn’t sit right, so I decided to check his credit file.

No CCJ, but £30k of debt over loans and credit cards over the last 3 years!

He is keeping up with payments, and there doesn’t appear to be any missed, but a few of these are pay day loans which I think are being paid and renewed.

Going forward, I want to help him get a plan together so I need to make him aware that I have checked. We have no joint accounts, we are only recently married, although together 10 years.

Next year, I will likely be taking a year unpaid to pursue my career which the following year will increase my income now by around £8k, so long term, is the best thing to do.

There are 10 loans and 10 credit cards.

I am loosely aware of Dave Ramsey and snowballing, but would you suggest I take on the lowest 5 as my contribution and he focus on the next 5? Do I start with lowest and him with highest? I could use my savings to clear £10k of it, but that would wipe me out completely and I am trying to build it up for next year if I do need to be without an income.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 26/10/2023 10:41

Take the ones with the highest interest first. Before I paid them off tho I would want to see the statements to see what the money is going on, if it's general living or signs of gambling, drinking, other women etc.

MaggieBsBoat · 26/10/2023 10:42

Please don’t take on any of his debts. I did. and I ended up leaving my 20+ year marriage with debts and nothing at all to show for it. Just sadness, and regret. I felt financially abused by someone incapable of sorting out their own finances.
I‘ve learned my lesson and would now never put myself in this position. Keep your finances separate and look after yourself first.

Paperbagsaremine · 26/10/2023 10:46

Stop and think - he has built up debt, you don't know how or why, he didn't tell you.

The concern is that this is a habit he can't break.

You don't want to be ten years down the line, divorcing a man who has managed to run up a further 100k of debt...well, up to you I guess. But still.

I get this is a bomb thrown in your life and I'm sorry. Have you a discreet, unjudgemental but sensible friend or relative you could confide in?

DaphneduM · 26/10/2023 10:47

Do you own your home jointly? Any joint accounts? Any idea what these loans might have been for, or do you think it's general financial mismanagement? Please be very careful here and think things through once you have got over your initial shock of this discovery. The fact that he has not disclosed any of this is very concerning. Don't let him drag you down with him. I would be re-evaluating your marriage. I probably sound harsh but this is the reality of your situation.

OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 10:48

Why on earth would you do anything? These are his debts. He's have TEN cards - that's just ridiculous. You married him without knowing him well, that's the problem. If I were you I would legally separate from him even if I kept up the relationship. I wouldn't want any legal connection to him and his debts. He's been living a lie, OP.

Tadpolle · 26/10/2023 10:48

He married you while not telling you about his massive debts?

I would consider divorcing him.

KnickerlessParsons · 26/10/2023 10:49

I have a feeling that if you're married any debts are joint debts of the marriage - ie if he can't pay them you will have to. Hope I'm wrong.

Whinge · 26/10/2023 10:50

Stop and think - he has built up debt, you don't know how or why, he didn't tell you.

THIS!!

Why would you take over or pay off his debts? It's been 3 years and he hasn't mentioned them once, not when booking holidays, planning the wedding, paying bills... You need to have a serious chat with him and ask him what the money was for and why he's kept it from you.

Original poster

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 10:50

@Doggymummar Definitely no signs of another woman, and definitely not a gambler.

He is self employed and took a huge hit when COVID hit, we said it almost ruined him financially. Most of these were taken out May 2020, so it looks like it actually did ruin him. I think he is in the trap of payday loans.

@MaggieBsBoat I left my first marriage due to being financially abused, and I was left with around 15k of debt built up in my name. He knows I have insecurities around loans and credit cards which has annoyed me as to why he has taken them out, but I can understand why he didn’t tell me.

It is so hard because I want to help but also don’t want to be mugged off.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 10:52

House is solely in my name.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2023 10:57

Tadpolle · 26/10/2023 10:48

He married you while not telling you about his massive debts?

I would consider divorcing him.

This.

I feel like I'm looking back in time. Just over 20 years ago, I discovered my then new husband had a similar level of debt. I had no idea (we hadn't lived together before marriage).

I was really shocked & immediately jumped into consolidating the debt & organising repayment. It immediately impacted on our joint finances.

I assumed he'd learnt his lesson & we would move on & he's be financially responsible.

Along with other abuse, he put me through financial hell for the next 10 years, and 3 children. By the time I'd finally ended it, he had used all my and our finances. He's put me through hell for the last 10 years, refusing to pay towards the kids & delaying legal proceedings. We're finally divorced but at a significant financial cost to me.

Please be very very careful what you do, how you approach the debt, and what you accept from your H.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2023 10:58

I left my first marriage due to being financially abused, and I was left with around 15k of debt built up in my name. He knows I have insecurities around loans and credit cards which has annoyed me as to why he has taken them out, but I can understand why he didn’t tell me.

I hadn't read this post when I replied. In this case, his behaviour is unforgivable. Not understandable!

Really give some thought to the future of this relationship.

Nothankyou22 · 26/10/2023 11:00

First you need to work out why he has so much debt, does he have problems with mental health, is it a gambling addiction, adhd causing him to make silly purchases or just silly with money.
If you help unless you get the root cause it will continue.

olderbutwiser · 26/10/2023 11:01

If you are married then potentially all assets and all debts are jointly owned.

He's got himself into expensive debt, and kept his debts a secret from you. You need a bit of relationship work before rushing in to pay off his debts for him.

Ibravedaflood · 26/10/2023 11:02

Now you are married the house isn't solely yours though is it? Cut every card up op. Today. Or he leaves.. I divorced my ex for lying about finances.

Original poster

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:02

We are both married second time around, he has no children, mine are college/uni and no plans for us to have any of our own.

Looking at the dates they were taken out, I can see they were over a very tough time, but assumed we were just scraping by.

I have sent him a message to let him know I want to speak to him about going forward. How he reacts from this is up to him.

OP posts:

Phleghm · 26/10/2023 11:03

He lied to you OP. It's horrible for him that he's in debt, especially if it's the effects of covid that caused it, but he was hiding the truth from you when you got married.
No way should you be taking on the debts of a dishonest man. Please please don't take this on.
And I'm sorry. This is so horrible for you. I'd find it very difficult to move on from this.

Original poster

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:04

Thank you, you have given me food for thought here.

He needs to come up with a plan to pay these off and cut the cards. I will help him make a plan, but not financially.

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/10/2023 11:04

Wow this is a real big lie / betrayal whatever the motivation behind it.
Really impressed with how calm you are. I would be raging!

Have you had a conversation with him?
What does he say?

Before you do anything
-talk to cab
-get on MSE and do a proper joint budget.

start getting him to work out what can be cut (his luxuries not yours and also food shopping)
what do you have that you don't need (ie clothes that can be sold on vinted or ebay

If you want to help dig him out of this you may need to shelve retraining unless he can support you and service the debt for 12 months.

Motnight · 26/10/2023 11:05

Op it seems as though your instinct.is to jump in and help your DH. Please at least consider things carefully before you do this.

He is at the very least a liar. Only you know whether you can accept this.

Good luck.

RC1234 · 26/10/2023 11:07

Hmmm why would someone say they had a CCJ when they didn't? Does he not understand finance/ court proceedings at all?

Before you commit to anything will he let you see the monthly balance statements for each account so you can see where the problem lies. Can you go to a debt charity and seek advice first? Is the business viable or would it be better winding it up and calling in the receivers? Alternatively, if he has secret gambling, shopping or substance abuse issues... all you would be doing is enabling further borrowing.

I wouldn't take any of the debt into your own name because then it is 100% your problem. DH's aunt did that for her now exDH because she could get a better rate. He was a compulsive shopper. So obviously he immediately went out and spent £2000 on a parrot and cage (that he taught to chant 'Shit on the Villa'), they had an arguement and he swanned off with his parrot leaving her high and dry with all the debt.

At best you have someone who prefers to ignore problems and lets them get out of control. Unless that changes and you get real honesty in your relationship you will not be able to fix that and just succeed in implicating yourself in their mess.

Whinge · 26/10/2023 11:08

I will help him make a plan, but not financially.

You keep mentioning the debts, but don't seem to care that he lied to you. For the last 3 years you think you've just been scraping by and he hasn't mentioned the debts. You've married this man and he didn't mention the debts. He knows about the history with your Ex and he still didn't mention the debts.

ActDottie · 26/10/2023 11:08

It is his debt to pay, but I understand why you want to help him.

Id tackle the debts with highest interest first. And maybe see if any debts can be consolidated and any rates reduced. It may be worth speaking to a credit union as well to understand the debts better and best course of action.

Original poster

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:14

He didn’t say he had a CCJ, it was a dream I had.

I have enough in savings to cover my outgoings for 12 months so I can train, and I would be eligible for a maintenance loan to top it up, I just want to avoid taking it out.

My phone contract has just ended, which he pays for, so I can switch to PAYG, and which will save him even more.

We can definitely reduce outgoings on shopping/eating out. Possibly quite a lot he could sell too if I was to be totally honest.

We haven’t spoken about it yet as he is at work, but we will be this evening.

OP posts:

DogInATent · 26/10/2023 11:21

However, something just didn’t sit right, so I decided to check his credit file.

You ran a credit check on your DH? How did you manage that?

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